I usually use Coil as like my personal journal but, in such a short time it’s become so much more than that! Today I was sitting here thinking of how I could actually “gift” a skeptic of coil a Coil subscription because that’s how much I believe in it. I know that might sound a little strange but, I’m involved with a couple of people that just hasn’t taken that step yet, you know what one! Right? Subscribing! I’m so in love with Coil and the platform and I feel so confident that these few people would love it that I literally would consider paying the $5.00 A month subscription fee for 1 year! YES, that’s how passionate I feel about coil and the great experience I’ve gotten from it.
I ran into a problem while trying to gift Coil to someone. I was going to gift a full year of Coil to someone special to me, who I won’t name because it didn’t work out but, you can only use your bank card for 1 subscription a year! Well, I’m “that girl” that only has 1 card for everything!
Now I’m thinking, coil is a new platform so perhaps in the future that’s something they can bring to the table. I’d love to buy someone a 1 year subscription to coil as a Christmas gift, what do you think Coil? What’s really drawn me to Coil is I’ve never had an ounc of negative interaction with anyone in the Coil community and that’s what I need right now. Just a lot of positive. In fact it’s quite opposite, everyone feel’s about the same...they LOVE it!
I’m all about positive interactions and yes, I know my post have been slightly depressing but, I feel like I’m bringing my Coil friend’s on a real life journey, with me. And the very best part, no judging! Not for me yet anyway’s! I lost my mom on October 23rd, my dad on November 11th and had to have our beloved dog, an English Golden retriever, who was 12 ½ year’s old, put down on December 4th. As you can imagine I was just spent, wiped out, anxiety through the roof and then I found coil! So quite literally as soon as one of my, what I call “grieving attacks” come on I immediately pick up my phone and I start writing on Coil, so far my “No judge zone”! It seem’s that we all know how blessed we are to have found coil and that we keep that in mind and keep the positive feedback coming, on Twitter! I absolutely LOVE being able to be myself and to write what I want, what I feel without any personal attack’s. I ask myself what make’s coil so different and so positive and the answer is quite simple, “WE DO!! The coil bloggers, vloggers or even people who are still “on the fence” but, reading, liking, commenting and RT’ing the coil post! It’s us guy’s, it’s ALL US! Coil was created, put out in Beta and we ran with it! Again, thank you Coil! I think we have set the tone and people really “get us”. The “coilers”. Are watching out for each other. Making sure to read each other’s content, upvoting, RT’s on Twitter and reminding one another just how amazing they are!
When you see the word “coil” followed by the word’s “Coil family” you TRULY know you’re headed in the right direction! Anything thing about Coil. I had no intention’s of writing again today but, then my gratitude for Coil runneth over.
I am by no mean’s an excellent writer. I make mistake’s, often but, nobody feel’s the need to bash me because that’s not the tone that’s been set in coil. I sincerely love our “positive coil family”! I have about 18 follower’s, If that and guess what? It doesn’t matter. What matter’s is I can read everyone else’s content and take me out of me and yes, that’s important these day’s.
I just wanted to extend my sincere gratitude to coil for making this possible. You took a girl with lower self-esteem and made it so it didn’t matter. If I want to write, I do because the positive tone has been set. Without you we’d have none of it. I am a woman who’s forever grateful and this I had to tell you. I feel we live in a smash em and bash em world and nobody want’s to acknowledge when wonderful thing’s are done because then they can’t complain! You did it Coil and we are working hard to spread the word. I believe in you and I believe in us. Together we make a wonderful team and I hope you take my testimony whole heartedly if you get the chance to read it because you deserve all of the praise. Thank you for giving us the wonderful gift and I can’t wait to see where it goes. Thank you for allowing me to journal/ blog the most difficult part of my life this far. You’re truly amazing Coil.
It enrages me when I see someone attacking someone about the past. A past that you absolutely can’t change and if you’re anything like me, you don’t want to! I am a very PROUD recovering alcoholic and yes I did say PROUD! When I was in active addiction I didn’t make the best choices possible. I also wasn’t stable in this life. I lived from weekend to weekend to get my next drink! Sure I took care of my children and I had good job’s but, once Friday came and the kid’s were gone to dad’s..it was on like Donkey Kong! I knew without a doubt that I would drink myself into an oblivion because that’s what I absolutely loved to do. PERIOD! I do not blame it on my upbringing, I don’t blame it on unfortunate event’s that happened in my life, I blame it on...I LOVED getting drunk! It was my FUN! I loved going out dancing, I absolutely loved being surrounded by people and I loved having an altered state of mind. It was my comfort zone. I drank when I was happy 😊, I drank when I was sad 😔, I drank for all occasions because alcohol and I were in love! 16 plus year’s ago I knew I had a problem. I went to my parent’s and I told them that I needed help. I was an alcoholic and I wanted to get better. I wanted to be a better mom, a better daughter, a better sister and just a better person all the way around. I knew that I couldn’t do this alone... so essentially I was asking them to take my children while I sought in-patient treatment. No shame. None! They agreed and after explaining to my children I was off to find a new “ME”! I worked on the local ambulance but, it didn’t stop me from going to the local emergency room to tell them that I was an alcoholic and I truly needed help. I knew every Doctor and drank with them yet, I didn’t let it stop me. No shame. None. They ordered me up an ambulance and they sent me to a detox! I have to admit that once I was there I thought I had made a HUGE mistake! I was alone, scared and really wanted to drink! Was I stupid? I sure felt it because once I made this commitment, I had to terminate my affair with my biggest love, alcohol! I stayed in that facility for 5 day’s. They gave me medication that Drugged me up more than anything I ever took on the street’s! I was so confused! Why would they do this? I wanted to get better! They did it because I was a drunk and my body needed time for the poison to leave my system. While I was there they came to me and told me that they were looking for a bed for me! A bed? I had a bed. I had spent 3 night’s in it already! Little did I know that this stop was just the 1st stop! The begging of my journey to getting better! I was quite devastated when I found out that I would have to spend 28 day’s away from my children and I almost changed my mind but, I truly wanted to get better. I made a deal with myself. If I was going to give up 28 day’s of my life, without my children then I was only doing this one time so I had to stay focused and give it my all! They ended up finding me a bed in a state run rehab. Mcpike in Utica. That’s where it all changed! Rehab! Wow. That’s a huge deal because I most definitely admitted that I had a problem. Hard stuff. Especially when you love it so much. I spent 28 day’s dealing with all sorts of walk’s of life and I’m telling you now that it wasn’t easy. I was there for a reason though. I wanted to get better! I stayed focused and I did all of my programs and gathered as many tools as I possibly could to take back out the door with me. I started drinking very young. I didn’t get “sick” in 28 day’s and I certainly wasn’t going to get better in 28 day’s but, this rehab was gracious enough to provide the tool’s I needed. I just had to apply them once I was out. I graduated from that program in 28 day’s and it was time for me to fly. Now you’d think that I would be so eager to run out that door but, it was the complete opposite. I didn’t want to leave. It was REALLY easy to stay sober THERE! Out into the big world I go and I have never been so scared in my life. Now the ONLY thing keeping me from a drink was, me and we already know how well I run this show. I got home on a Thursday and Thursday night I went to my first AA meeting. I proceeded to do 120 meeting’s in 90 day’s. Yes, some time’s I needed more than 1 meeting In a day. It was hard. Especially the weekend’s. Now you don’t just give up alcohol. You give up a lifestyle and your “friend’s” and everything about your life changes if you truly want to get better. I remember some Friday night’s just sitting there crying because I wanted to go out so badly BUT, I had already determined I had but 1 recovery in me. Period. Time move’s on and thing’s get easier. You make new sober friend’s. Some do well, some slip and come back, some slip and never come back and some even die. That’s the harsh reality of the disease of alcoholism, it want’s you Active and it want’s you sick. Heck, it want’s you dead. That’s a fact. Thing’s started going really well for me and my children. We had grown in our relationship’s and they trusted me again. Then I met a wonderful man named Michael. Oh dear lord. It was love at first sight. No lie. The older people from the program of AA went crazy on me. They kept telling me that Michael and I were both “sick” therefore it could only be toxic. Well, I didn’t listen and I pursued Michael and we really and I mean really hit it off. We had a lot in common and he was just a dream. We met and married in 90 day’s. It infuriated the people that were helping me in my recovery. I didn’t have a ton of sober time under my belt but, I had some. Everyone said we wouldn’t make it. There was nothing good that could come from it. I’m so glad I didn’t listen. We’ve been married for 14 year’s. We’ve had like 2 arguments in our whole relationship. He had a lot more knowledge about the disease of alcoholism and he helped me learn more and more about myself. We blended our beautiful families and it was the 2nd best decision I had made in my life. Getting sober was number 1 and will alway’s be number 1. I put nothing before my sobriety because without that I have nothing. I’m the same ol’ drunk I used to be. I never want to see that girl again. I hope I buried her. We have a successful business and a wonderful family! None of this would have been possible if I hadn’t been a DRUNK! So yes, I’m a proud alcoholic! It can’t be used against me because I do not fear it. I’m not ashamed of it and I embrace it. It’s made me the person I am today. I love with my whole heart, I alway’s help other’s and I’m so grateful even for the little thing’s.
When I lost my parent’s I did have thought’s of drinking but, today I can think it through. What would that solve? It won’t bring them back . Right? I’d have more problem’s when GOD know’s I’ve got enough. If I drank I’d first have to look my children in the eye’s and tell them. It’s a deal we made when I was leaving to get sober. I’d have lost 16 plus year’s of sobriety and at time’s I had to work so hard for this sobriety and I’d never ever forgive myself because I know I have the tools I need to stay sober. No matter what! There’s no excuse that’s good enough to get drunk over. None.
I don’t exactly love myself today but, I’m much happier with myself than I used to be. I know that I alway’s try to do the next right thing, I alway’s try to practice peace and love, I alway’s reach out to someone in need and I alway’s try to count my blessing’s because they are many. People have used my past against me and it make’s me happy. Yes, happy. If they have to use something that’s 16 plus year’s old to tru to hurt me then it mean’s I’m doing pretty good today. Life has been pretty unfair lately and life has been damn hard but, it’s nothing that a drink will fix. So I will keep plugging along. I will work hard to continue to count my blessing’s because I did lose sight of that for a minute. I will continue to help other’s in need and I will ALWAY’S stand up for the alcoholic or addict that’s in recovery and being attacked because of their past because I know what it’s like! Walk a mile in our shoes and then come back and let me know how that worked for you! If you’re in recovery and you’re winning, I’m proud of you. If you’re in recovery and you’re struggling, I’m proud of you. If you’re in recovery and you’ve relapsed...I extend my hand. Let me help you up because you aren’t alone. I promise ♥️
I’m still working so hard pushing through my grieving process. One that’s been very hard on my heart, mind and soul. I want to be alone, I don’t want to be alone. I get agitated very easily and over the littlest thing’s I’m still just not the same Patty..or am I?
I heard from a woman from my childhood, she was my friend’s mom. She contacted me by Facebook messenger and she expressed that she wanted to have a conversation with me on the phone. I was shocked. You see..she wasn’t the nicest woman..in fact she was the meanest friend’s mom I ever met! While all of us children would play out in the street... Carol would come out screaming at her children at the top of her lung’s. We all were scared of her. When I received the message from her I was so shocked because I didn’t think she even liked me. She was just mean.
Fast forward 36 year’s and here’s this message from this woman telling me that she get’s so much strength from my post. The post about my dying mother and she really wanted to talk to me. I reluctantly agreed to a phone call because I’m still kind of scared of her but, I agreed because that’s what I do. So maybe I haven’t changed as much as I thought.
The call came on Tuesday at about 11:30am. We spent a few minute’s talking about my mom and her telling me what an amazing daughter I was to her. I humbly thanked her. I felt she had something big to say but, she just hadn’t Gotten there, yet.
Carol has 3 grown children so what she said next took me by such surprise.
She said, “Patty, I’m dying. I’ve got stage 4 lung cancer and it’s gone to my spine. That’s not it though Patty, my husband is also dying, he’s got stage 3 lung cancer and he doesn’t have long either We both stopped treatment”! I told her how sorry I was and then it became quite awkward. Quickly I tried to turn the conversation. I said, “Carol, we are all dying. Everyday that we live we are 1 day closer to our death. It’s just that some people know and some don’t and that’s why we have to live everyday like we are dying! We aren’t dying though, we are LIVING”! She burst into tears and said she never thought of it that way! I thought to myself, “Phewww, that was uncomfortable”.
Carol wasn’t done though. Her and her husband want to pass at home and she said as hard as it is to ask, she wanted to ask me if I’d do the “honor” of bringing her and her husband to end of life, at home.. with Hospice”! My heart rate immediately shot up, I couldn’t take a deep breath and the room was spinning!
Death, AGAIN! Why me? She’s got family and children so WHY ME?
I pulled myself together and continued the conversation. I told her that we had a lot of talking to do and it should be face to face. We aren’t talking about something small we are talking about...DEATH! She agreed with me and said the reason she asked me was because I brought her so much peace and calmness by following my post. She also said she wanted to die surrounded by love and she know’s I have so much love to give. Although I’m flattered at all of the compliment’s she paid me all that I could think was, “OHH NO, I’m not ready! So much death and I just don’t know”! She started crying and said that this was one of the hardest phone call’s that she’s ever made and I imagine that’s the truth. I couldn’t even imagine being her. BINGO! It clicked! This isn’t about me, it’s about her, her dying husband and their dying wishes. Carol and I have set a date for coffee and we are going to talk more in-depth..in person. Sometime’s I wonder if my huge heart is a curse or a blessing? My children call me “the angel of death” because so many families reach out to me to deliver hospice care to a loved one because they just can’t do it and it’s their family member’s last wish. Losing my mom and dad has changed me and it’s made me a little death shy but, I can’t see me denying Carol and her husband their dying wish of a peaceful passing at home. I said I didn’t want to lose the “Old Patty” and the “Old Patty” wouldn’t ever deny these people. Although I don’t feel ready again, it’s not about me. Nothing’s set in stone yet but, I imagine our cup of coffee will seal the deal because that’s the way my heart is leaning. I’m somewhat grateful because I was scared of losing Myself in my parent’s death. I know my mom would be so proud of me because she loved that I felt that everyone is entitled to a peaceful passing and often provided that for them. I spoke to Michael about this and he wasn’t happy at all. He’s so worried about me and how I’m feeling but, maybe this is just what I need. Helping other’s has alway’s been the one thing that made me feel better about myself. Life sure can be funny at time’s and my GOD work’s in mysterious way’s. Perhaps this call was made to me to help take me away from me. Maybe this call is to redirect my focus. Maybe this call was to show me that I still have the same heart that I’ve alway’s had because I didn’t immediately say “NO”. I’m just struggling right now. This story will be continued. I will go sit with Carol and her husband and I will talk to them. I’m not going to put lot’s of thought into this prior to our meeting. I’m going to just go with the flow and I KNOW that when I sit with them my heart will truly know what to do...in the mean time let’s never forget that we aren’t dying...we are LIVING..as long as we have a breath in us 💕
I’m working so hard to change thing’s around in my head and to start accepting “life on life’s” terms once again. It’s been such a struggle since my beautiful mother passed away. As I said in precious post I Just didn’t realize the magnitude of my mom’s power in the family. I hadn’t a clue that it was mother that was the glue, that called the shot’s and essentially ran the family. She was the Queen. The queen of our family.
Now my mother is gone and I’ve struggled tremendously. Michael has been the voice of reason through this journey and it hasn’t been easy for him. 9 out of 10 thing’s he say’s is the wrong thing. In my eye’s, poor guy. It’s not him though, it’s me. It’s me not wanting to hear the truth. He will speak and I might turn my head because I don’t want to hear it but, I’m listening
The reality of this whole situation is this. I didn’t just lose my mother, my Queen, one of my best-friend’s.. I’ve been handed a new role in this family and it’s her old role, The glue, the one that call’s the shot’s and the one that run’s the family, the Queen!
I dare say I’ve got some pretty big shoes to fill! My mother organized EVERYTHING! She’d alway’s tell us when, where and what time. She’d pick the menu and then cook it. When the family went astray she’d rope everyone back in and get her Family back together. It’s truly taken her death to show me the role that she played in the family and I don’t know if I can compare but, I will spend everyday for the rest of my life trying to maintain the family as she did. I’m off to a slow start but, it’s all still so new. I’ve never really had to do anything, she did so much. I only followed her order’s, she made it so easy!
This isn’t a role I even ever considered but, my time has come to take it over. I guess now we will see how well she “trained” me for this role! I sure hope I can make my mother proud and keep this family as she did. Someone said to me when my mother 1st passed away, “You don’t fully become an adult until you lose your parent. Welcome to adulthood”! NOW I GET IT! I miss my mom but, I’m going to work so hard to make her proud ♥️
Well, today was the day. I was ready to throw away my stinking thinking and start working on a more positive attitude! A positive attitude is something I’ve alway’s tried to maintain because my “Nanny” swore she beat her Cancer because of a “P.A.” ( a Positive attitude ). She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 12 year’s old and beat it by the time I was 13 ½ year’s old. So I’ve been hearing about this P.A. for a long time!
Positive attitude is something I lost while dealing with all of this death! It’s literally sucked all of my positive feeling’s right out of me and I’ve been a negative Nellie.
I’ve noticed a few thing’s while going through this. I’m a gambler. I love to play slots and usually I do pretty well. I don’t win millions but, I usually leave even or up a little. When you gamble like I do you have to be strategic or you won’t be playing for long. Since I’ve been pulling these negative feeling’s around I haven’t hit anything at the casino, in fact I’ve been leaving with gamblers guilt because I lose and just keep playing because I simply don’t care. That’s so not me. I’d leave feeling more down and depressed than before but, with the “I don’t care” negative attitude I’d turn around and do it again the next day.
Hey, this is my life now, right?
WRONG! That’s not who I want to be and I know this. My snappy attitude and miserable remarks are not the Patty B. that I want to be. I don’t necessarily want to be the “old me” because I need to make changes but, I definitely don’t want that to be the new me.
Today I wanted to start my day differently. I put a positive and loving post up on Twitter and I was hoping to get 20 RT’s of just ♥️💜💙! If you know me then you KNOW I love, love. That was my 1st step towards my positive attitude of the day.
We had a VIP party to attend at the Outback Steakhouse that we got invited to because of our beloved dog Chase that we just lost. So I got myself a shower and I took some pride in how I looked today. Something I gave up on after my mom passed. I didn’t care anymore. Nothing mattered. We attended the event and I was feeling positive. Watching the Twitter post just fly with all the love and ♥️💜💛💙. The party was wonderful and we even won prizes. At the end the owner said “2 people check your paper’s and if you have a star or a smiley face on the back see me, you’ve won a special prize”! Don’t you know, I had the star. How exciting! I won a Outback gift card. We left there feeling good and I checked the Twitter post and the love was still just flowing. We decided to go to the casino even though I’ve been doing horrible. I walked in with my confidence and my positive attitude and don’t you know I hit a jackpot! If that’s not enough I hit another $200 on top of that! The irony is 7 year’s ago today I took a very bad fall. A fall that would change my life forever. I shattered my kneecap, broke my femur and broke my hip. I live in pain all of the time. I’ve had 7 surgeries and still need more but, even that didn’t get me down today. That fall took place at the very casino I won at today!
So do I think all of the positive thing’s that happened today are a coincidence because I decided to change my thinking today? Nah, I don’t think so. I believe my Nanny is right. There’s a lot of power if you just keep a P.A.! A positive attitude! Can’t wait to see what tomorrow bring’s ♥️
Let me just start by making it so very clear that I’m not a blogger. I’m someone who’s suffering a massive amount of grief. I don’t know what to do with myself so...I’m writing.
I still wake up crying. Yup. That’s how much progress I haven’t made. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to move forward faster in my grieving process but, I guess it’s not for me to question. It’s a process. Nobody said how quickly or how slowly it would go. I’ll take it day by day.
I can say I do have better “moment’s” and for that I’m grateful. I have smiled a couple of time’s and although it felt dirty and wrong...it was nice too.
During my quiet time I do a lot of reflecting. Reflecting on my mother, our relationship and why she did some of the thing’s that she did. I can say that NOW I’ve grown to understand her so much more. Let me explain. Day’s ago I sent out a group text message to 5 of our children. 1 child out of the 5 answered me that day. The other 4 didn’t even acknowledge that I sent anything. The funny thing is it was me asking for their Christmas list.
I went to bed that night feeling very bitter, hurt, ignored and sad. My own children just completely ignored me! Just WOW! I woke up the next day and now I was just angry and I got to thinking about my mom. If my mom called upon you, you wouldn’t even consider not responding to her and let me tell you why, she DEMANDED respect! PERIOD! My mother wasn’t being mean, manipulative or nasty...she simply demanded respect from her children and I will tell you, she got it!
This truly opened my eye’s to many thing’s. I’ve never had good self respect. I alway’s talk myself down. I’ve alway’s insulted myself and said bad thing’s about myself. I forgot that the children are alway’s listening! So if I don’t respect myself then why should anyone else? Good question, right? I got back into the group text to the children and I said, “I can’t believe that out of 5 children only 1 answered and the rest completely ignored me, you’ve got no respect for me because I have no respect for me but, this is about to change, thank’s to Nana” 1 by 1 the 4 children sent me their lame excuse as to “why” they couldn’t answer me. I simply answered with, “You’re rude”.
I am 46 year’s old and my children are grown. I’ve decided that if I can change 1 thing, just 1 thing it’s going to be that I learn to at least respect myself and I will work on getting the children to respect me too. I show my children the upmost respect, as I do everyone. I’ve alway’s been a little jealous over the respect that Michael get’s from the children but, I figured he must deserve it! That’s where thing’s are going to change! I deserve it too! I give it so why shouldn’t I receive it? I’m glad that my mom was a confident woman who demanded respect because now I have a footprint to follow. Ya, I’m a late starter. It took my mother’s death and my children ignoring me to TRULY get it! No longer will I accept the children ignoring me. No longer am I going to put myself down and disrespect myself. When my mother said, “Jump” we said, “How high”. Not because we were afraid of her but, because we were raised to respect her. I have so much going on in my mind but, I want to find the “good” in this grief and this was a good eye opener. I alway’s get complimented on how kind my children are and how well mannered but, they never showed it to me besides Alyson. My daughter is the 1 child that answered and she does show me all the respect in the world. She is my exception.
During this time of mourning I’m hoping to also do some growing and some major soul searching. Some of the areas I’ve already visited have been painful to look at but, When there’s pain there’s growth. I don’t want to walk around the rest of my life saying how stupid I am, how dumb I am, how old I look or any other insults I could possibly thing of. I want to think and know that it’s not arrogant to think good of yourself if you’re a good person. I know when I wake up everyday...I never have a bad intention on my mind. So I’m probably not as bad as I think. It’s funny how my mother “taught” me lessons our whole 46 year’s together and here she is, still teaching me lessons after she passed away. Moving forward I’m going to work very hard at respecting myself. I’m going to pray that the children follow my lead and someday maybe I’ll receive the very same respect that my mother got and surely deserved. God I miss that woman but, I’ll remain grateful for the lessons she left behind. I’m sure that many more will unfold. I’ll just have to be patient and wait. I love and miss you momma. Thank you for raising me to respect other’s. Now I’m going to work on respecting, ME!
I received the call at 9:32AM! She relapsed. The same girl that I made this video for! Not only did she relapse but, she overdosed! She was given NARCAN and thankfully, she’s alive! I’ll never lose hope for the addict’s that I love and as long as they have a breath in them...I have hope in my heart. Holiday’s are extremely painful for addict’s. They want to be part of the family functions but, they don’t know how or they aren’t trusted to be in our home’s. If you love an addict I’m begging you please to not forget them during the holiday’s. Take them to lunch, buy them a coat, buy a scarf 🧣 just don’t give them money or gift card’s. We wouldn’t want to give them anything to help them die faster from the disease of addiction. Give them ALL the love you have and remind them that they are worth a recovery, it can be done and offer to help. I’m just begging you please to not give up on the person that’s already given up on themselves. There’s hope ♥️
I was sitting in Old Orchard Beach Maine when I took this photo. You know that over the next course of second’s this sky wouldn’t look the same way, ever changing, just like life. I contemplated on a sleepless night if I’d like time to “freeze” time just like our photo’s. I couldn’t come up with an answer. If I froze it in my teen’s then I was a raging drunken animal, living a very sad life. If I froze it in my 20’s my addiction would only have grown because now I’ve lost my precious children, Alex and Alexis! Heck NO I don’t want to sit in that. On to the 30’s. Would I want to “freeze” there? Perhaps. It was in my 30’s that I got myself help and got sober. Although I missed time with my children, I did learn to live a healthier and happier life without substances. The 30’s was truly my new start at life. Not alway’s easy but, most definitely worth it. I got myself healthy and worked on relationships with everyone in my life and I met the amazing @XrpMichaelB and married him! A happier time for sure but, let’s not “freeze” there. I must move onto my 40’s for if I didn’t I’d never become a grandmother and that’s what it’s all about for me. At the age of 42 I found out I’d be a grandmother! Something I was so excited about. Our son Adam and Andrea gave us our beautiful Fynn on March 28, 2015. Fynn’s a huge part of our live’s and he does make me happy. September 18, 2017 our daughter Alyson gave us our precious Mason-baby. Oh he’s just the sweetest boy. He bring’s us so much joy. April 5, 2019 our 1st granddaughter joined the crew. Finally, our princess. All of these babies are so unique and change our live’s from day to day. October 23rd, November 11th and now December 4th I felt death like I’ve never felt death before. My mom, my dad and our beautiful dog of 13 year’s. Laying in bed thinking about all of this made me wonder if I would have frozen time long ago so I didn’t have to feel the pain!? The answer is simple, NO, not for nothing . I never was going to be able to keep my parent’s forever and 13 is old for a dog. We were blessed to get 13 year’s. I’m a different person right now and that’s ok because I’m grieving. I will heal. I don’t have a time limit on this but, someday I will smile again. So in the end I most definitely wouldn’t have “frozen” time like I froze this beautiful sky in this photo because I would have missed a lot of joy and GOD know’s I’d have to feel this pain, one day. I’m not the same person that I was once was but, I’ve also never lived without parent’s. I’m taking the time to get to know the “new me” and hopefully soon, I’ll smile once again. Until then I’ll continue to grieve so I can move “through” it. So I’m trying to focus on my blessing’s in life and to remember that we “ALL” have to feel this pain someday yet, somehow we all survive. Thank you for all the love and support. Until next time..Peace ✌🏻And Love ♥️
I’m surrounded by death! My mom, my dad and then sweet Dom! When we got the call on Sunday from Dom’s family, I Could hardly believe my ear’s! Another child on LIFE SUPPORT! Another child beaten until his brain swelled so much that they had to crack his skull to relieve the pressure! He’s 17 year’s old. A child. An innocent child. He know’s pain, which brought him to where he was, that ultimately led him to meet his maker. You see, Dom’s mom died of a Heroin OD. He was a very young boy. He was like I am now, lost, confused and broken. He was so much younger though. When Dom’s mom died he didn’t know what to do so he started cutting. Cutting gave him a “release” he told me and it helped him hurt “less”. Dom also started identifying as “Gay, Bi and Transgender”. He was only 11. He was taunted and teased by many. He was a lost and confused, child. He was my little “boyfriend”. We’d listen to Mylie Cyrus and dance. He’d get so upset when I’d call her “Molly” and only put 1 arm in the air when I danced because you should alway’s wave both of your Hand’s in the air, something I’ll never forget. Due to all of the cutting and violent outburst Dom started getting sent to institution’s, I wish they’d just sent him with me. I saw a boy who just wanted and needed, love. That’s not how life work’s though. Dom would go to an institution and they’d change his med’s and he’d be home again to try to navigate his way through this thing called, life. Nothing was easy for him. His family rejected him, the children in school picked on him and he missed his mommy oh so much. His time’s at home were short lived, every time. The next “behavior” would land him right back to an institution. The last episode is one now that seem’s so trivial in the big picture. Not trivial at all though Because he lost his life because of this trip. He and his dad had an argument. Dom picked up a pan in the kitchen and cracked his dad with it. There wasn’t any “obvious” injury but, dad went and got checked out. Once he told the hospital that his 17 year old son hit him with a pan, the hospital called the cop’s. Dom was picked up by the cop’s and brought to the local emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation. The determination was made that Dom needed yet another institution. That’s when thing’s went bad and caused many unanswered question’s. Why was Dom on the bathroom floor in the institution, unresponsive? Why does he have fingerprint brusing from his wrist to his elbow? Nobody know’s! Shocking? No, I don’t think so! Dom had previously had a shunt placed in his head and the shunt was completely, shattered. Just like the live’s of all that loved him. In the end our sweet Dom donated all of his Organ’s except the Left lung because that got destroyed in that bathroom. The bathroom that hold’s all the question’s of who”, “what” and “why”. The question’e that I feel will never be answered. I’m proud that Dom’s organ’s have been donated because his papa had a donor heart and that’s what Dom would have truly wanted. I’m sad that we live in the day and age where a 17 year old can be MURDERED in an institution but, they will make up a lie to cover it. The state alway’s cover’s the state. Period. The last time we had a child murdered in an institution Governor Cuomo promised that thing’s would change. They didn’t. We went out and did peaceful rallies to raise awareness about child abuse. I did interview’s with newspaper’s and on the television new’s. Did it make a difference? Absolutely not but, we tried. If you see something suspicious and it involves a child, report it. If you’re not satisfied with the outcome then report it again. If you see something and you ignore it, you’re just as guilty. It’s our job as adult’s to protect ALL children..well it used to be!? This is the 2nd murder of a child in this particular family. The first one was age 2 and he died because he “cried”, his father killed him. Baby Jesse is never coming back and his monster of a father got 25 to life. My biggest punishment in life was being grounded for 2 week’s at one time. Period. We didn’t get Hands laid on us, objects thrown at us or even vile word’s used on us. I guess we were blessed that way. Our precious Dom will live on in the bodies of other people and his memory will forever be in my head. I’ll alway’s be proud to be Dom’s “Old girlfriend”. May he finally have peace in his soul and forever feel the love in the arm’s of the Lord. I’ve written about death 2 day’s in a row because it’s all around me lately. I’m praying that we get a little break here and maybe I can start healing. My heart hurt’s for myself because I’m human and I’m selfish. My heart hurt’s for other’s that have lost loved one’s and my heart REALLY hurt’s for the children of the world that are gone to soon because the adult’s of the world, failed them. Please let’s just have some peace for now. It’s time ❤️
I’m walking around alone, afraid, lonely, and broken. I’m inside of 4 wall’s and it’s dark, so dark and I can’t get out. My heart is beating so fast, my breathing is shallow because I can’t take a deep breath. Why you ask? On October 23rd I held my beautiful mother that was only 63 year’s old, take her final breath. I listened as her heart gave it’s final beat. It was over. Although she’d been sick for 17 year’s and I took care of her, this took me by such great surprise. There she was, my Queen, lifeless yet, still beautiful. The nurses came in and confirmed that there was no signs of life and they pronounced her as, dead! DID YOU HEAR ME? I said, “DEAD”! The next day’s are a blur to me. Although I didn’t cry much because I was so busy, I knew my heart had completely changed. How could it not? Part of it died the day my mother took her final breath and died! DID YOU HEAR ME? I said, “DIED! Yes she’s gone”. I had to get so much done and be strong for my children and I did just that. People brought food, stopped by my parent’s to offer condolences and comfort and till this day, I couldn’t tell you who they were. On November 2nd I called my father in Florida to tell him of my mother’s passing. He was upset but, the word’s that followed were far more upsetting. I said, “Dad, I’m calling to tell you that mom passed away”. He sounded different than he did the last time we spoke. What was up with this? I said, “Dad, what’s wrong”? He said to me, “Princess I need you to come to me, I’m sick”! I explained to him that I couldn’t come right away because mother’s funeral wasn’t until November 3rd, my brother’s 44th Birthday. He told me in a very frail and weak but, desperate voice that I needed to come immediately following the funeral because he was DYING! There it is AGAIN, DYING! I agreed although, I had no strength. I got through my mother’s funeral and I even delivered her eulogy and then it was time to move along, my father needed me. I boarded a flight on November 6th and headed down to dear old dad. When I walked through the door I knew that my father wasn’t long for this world. I just didn’t realize it would be so short. He was in fact, dying. DID YOU HEAR ME? I said he’s “DYING”! How could I possibly start hospice on another parent? It had only been day’s since I lost my mom. Life was feeling very unfair but, I was so busy with dad that I didn’t have time to think about mom! A blessing and a HUGE curse I’d find out later on. I called hospice into my dad’s on November 7th, the day after I arrived in Florida. That day hospice provided me strong medication for my dad because the Liver cancer and throat cancer was causing him so much pain. He told me how he was so ready to “go” but, he was alone and scared to death. He knew once I arrived that everything would be alright, even though he was dying! YES, there’s that word again, DYING! Come on Patty, this is what you do. You take care of EVERYONE! Time to buckle up and get ready for this ride. Thursday November 7th, Friday November 8th and ½ of Saturday November 9th dad and I took care of all of the very important business that needed to be tended to. That Saturday night my dad’s mind started slipping. We were hunting bug’s together and then we moved on to hunting dinosaurs. My father. My strong father that chased those monster’s away FOR ME was now having me chase them away, with him. Sunday November 10th my father’s condition completely turned. He was going down fast. I contacted hospice and they came right away. I asked for a hospital bed for the living room because that was his “happy place”. It was a Sunday but, they made it happen. He now was on “comfort care only”. I continued to keep my father comfortable and at 1:50am on November 11th he sat up in his bed. He had a strong voice that he didn’t have when I arrived just day’s earlier. He was yelling for me to help him, as he reached for the window. He was holding his arm’s out to someone but, I’ll never know who. He was weak. He needed a push from his “Princess”. Daddies time had come. I got into bed with him and I gently eased him back onto his pillows. I held him in my arm’s and told him it was time to go and that it was alright. He didn’t have to suffer anymore. He was restless. I gathered him up in my arm’s and I held him and then I sang. “Softly and tenderly”..he started to calm. His breathing changed and I know mine did too. I was scared. Here it goes, my 2nd parent just leaving, forever. I continued to hold him and I started singing, “Amazing Grace”. ½ way through that song at 2:02AM he took his last breath, just as my mother did just 20 short day’s ago. I am broken, I am confused, I am scared and I don’t know how to navigate this world without the guidance of my wonderful, parent’s. No matter how old we are, we need them. I didn’t realize this until they were gone. I know that someday I will find my way in this world again but, it won’t be today. I will cry if I want to cry, I will scream if I want to scream. I will not use substance’s to numb the pain, I’ll go through it, just as both of my parent’s did. How Ironic that in the end of my life with parent’s I ended it with both of them in my arm’s. They both saw me take my 1st breath and I held them both as they took their last breath. Oh the irony. I know I need time. Time to reestablish myself in this world, without my parent’s. My passion now is much and writing. I can’t talk much because my word’s aren’t alway’s kind. So I’m giving this a go because the less people I hurt with my verbal word’s, the better. I can’t wait until these wall’s that are surrounding me fall but, for now I’ll just keep trying to figure out my new life, without parent’s. Coming back to New York has been the hardest part so far. I thought that I had grieved my mother and was doing amazing. Little did I know that it was just the beginning because I put her grieving on “HOLD” to take care of my father. This would be a huge part of this downward spiral I’m on. So I’ll keep holding on and praying that someday I find, “Patty” again. No, she’ll never be the same but, I haven’t seen her since September 12th ( the day I started end of life care on my mother ) and it’s scary. I don’t like being a shell. I don’t like crying all of the time. I want to be happy again and I want my heart to be somewhat whole again. Time. That’s the word that everyone’s using so that’s what I’m going to hold onto. Time💔
Coil..our new baby and how it’s helped me!
