TW: Mention of sexual abuse and assault and domestic abuse.

I started this post out about church hurt, but it didn't feel right. I'm still not ready to talk about that 100%. I'm not exactly sure how I want to come across but I know that when I do talk about it I need to have the right words. But here's the one thing that I can't get off my mind: the fact that way too many women are told that we are lying or exaggerating the truth for attention. And I mean about everything.

Seriously... everything.

We tell a story about something that happened to us.

“Well did it really happen like that?”

We cry because someone was rude or hurtful.

“Well did they really mean it that way?”

“Are you sure you didn't just take it the wrong way?”

“Are you being overly emotional?”

We open up and share our secrets and stories. We let people in and yet rarely are we truly taken at our word and believed wholly. Not just by men but by other women as well, we just don't believe women the way that we should. It breaks my soul thinking about it.

I'm sure that there are men who feel this way, but I am speaking from a woman's perspective as it is my own and it's all I've ever known. So if you are a man and feel this way, please don't feel like I'm writing you off.

We don't believe mothers when they tell us that they know there is something wrong with their child and that the doctors won't take them seriously because “the doctor knows best”.

We don't believe women who were molested by family members because “they would never”.

We don't believe women who were raped at a college party because “they must have been asking for it”.

We don't believe women who are being abused by their husbands because “he's the nicest guy”.

We don't believe little girls who tell us that they've been hurt by someone because “they're too young to really know”.

We don't believe women who speak out about manipulation and gaslighting amongst their friends for fear of being called a “drama queen” or an “attention seeker”.

So why would we open our mouths?

Why would we share our stories?

Why would we speak the truth?

..if we won't be heard?

Instead most of us keep to ourselves. We don't talk about the things we're dealing with because we don't want to draw unnecessary attention to ourselves. Or we don't want to have to explain ourselves and present a 5 page essay on why what we're experiencing is valid or true. It's exhausting.

There have been so many times in my life where I went to tell someone the story behind why I am a certain way or why I do things in a particular manner but then I don't. I shut down for fear that they are going to question me and that I'm going to have to provide enough “evidence” to satisfy their need, just to tell me I'm wrong.

I've been told that I'm wrong about people who have done terrible things to me simply because that person wasn't there to witness it.

I've been told that I am lying or stretching the truth about things that have happened to me in my life because people didn't want to believe the worst.

I've been told to get over things because my feelings weren't valid or that it wasn't that big of a deal.

This is a huge problem.

This is what keeps children from speaking up about their abusers.

This is what keeps women in abusive homes.

This is what fuels abusers and predators.

Silence.

They know it's hard enough to speak up, it's even harder to be taken seriously and to be believed.

Law enforcement, family, friends, they've all proved it to be true time and time again.

Ya'll. We need to change.

We've gotten better but we still have a long way to go.

We need to believe mothers who know when there is something wrong with their child- even if it means that a doctor is wrong or that a company needs to be sued.

We need to believe women who have the courage to speak up about their stalkers, predators and abusers.

We need to believe women who try to stick up for themselves when they're dealing with manipulation and gaslighting within a friend group or at work or even at church.

We need to not only take the time to truly give them our full attention and intently listen, but we need to love them fiercely through whatever they're dealing with.

We need to show up and give them the kind of support that they deserve, even when it's inconvenient to us.

We need to amplify her voice when she gets the courage to raise it just a little bit.

I have had enough of the questioning, the slandering, the manipulation and the flat out ignorance when it comes to believing each other.

I understand that some people lie, but wouldn't you always rather be given the benefit of the doubt?

The reality is when a woman speaks up, she's not asking you to make a judgment call about whether what she's saying is true or not, she's just asking you to listen and to believe her and to help her if she needs help. So why do we think that we need to be the judge and the jury when all we need to be is the support system?

You're not the one convicting the other person involved, you don't have to make that decision. All you have to do is be there for the man or woman speaking to YOU.

If it's going to directly effect your friendship with that other person and it's not an abusive or dangerous situation, choose to listen, love and then step away. You don't have to take everything as Bible truth and treat that other person differently; your experience with them is your experience. But don't write off the person speaking up just because YOU haven't experienced that side of the person in question.

I encourage us all to be a little less quick to judge and a little more quick to believe those who speak up. The truth will show its face at the end of the day. Let us love each other intentionally and be a little more quick to believe.

“Be quick to listen, slow to speak...” James 1:19

xoxo – Ry

October is marked as the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month.

I thought I'd be spending this month in a much different way this year. To be completely honest, I didn't think we'd be pregnant by now and I was planning on releasing my song “Rainbow” as an official tribute to the babies that I have lost and in honor of all of my friends angel babies- far too many. For those of you who don't know, a “Rainbow Baby” is a baby that was born after you've experienced a miscarriage or an infant loss. They're supposed to be the “rainbow after the storm”.

But when I found out about our baby boy in March, I decided to release it on mother's day soon after I announced our soon-to-be arrival. I didn't officially release it like I wanted to, I just put a video together. I'm not really sure why I did it then, but I think part of me just wanted to get it out there so I could have one piece of happy news to look back on, even if something did go wrong. It was almost a pledge to myself to have hope.

https://cinnamon.video/watch?v=315416103222248487

Instead I've been sitting on the sidelines, holding my swollen belly and wondering if I should say something. Yes, this is a month to remember and I do remember and think about them often, but is it my place to say anything when so many that I know are still deeply grieving and waiting for their positive tests? Meanwhile I have what they want?

I remember that feeling all too well, that envious feeling that I wasn't going to ever get what they had. Every post they'd make, whether it was happy or talking about how hard pregnancy is (which it is), I was so angry. It got to the point that I started blocking and muting my friends who I loved because I just couldn't handle seeing their posts.

Knowing that, I've tried to be super sensitive with how much I'm posting on social media and I take caution when talking about the difficulties of pregnancy. The reality is that both things are hard, different hard and one is far more painful than the other, but they're both nonetheless hard and we should all be able to talk about where we're at.

In light of this awareness month, I was going to talk about what not to say to a woman who's recently had a miscarriage but honestly, I just don't have the right words. I know what to say but that's not where I'm at right now and I'm having a hard time talking about it, especially when there are so many resources out there.

This post, for instance, from @soyouwanttotalkabout is a great one.

Click here for the rest of the post.

Instead I started thinking about where I am at right now and honestly I'm at a place where I am so excited to meet my baby boy but I want to make sure that I don't forget my other two babies and that people don't look past them. It's something that has already happened a lot and it gave me the idea to talk about some of the things that you should and shouldn't say to moms that are either pregnant or have recently had rainbow babies and are caught between mourning their losses and celebrating their newest blessing. It's a very real place that a lot of women experience but being caught in the in between isn't really talked about, nor are the things that people shouldn't really say.

Keep in mind, the following quotes are all things that have been said to me during this pregnancy by people who know about my miscarriages. I'm going to comment underneath each statement with why it's harmful to say and what you should say instead.

✘ “Aren't you excited?!”

Um duh, of course I'm happy to be having my rainbow baby, but the feelings I'm battling about jinxing the pregnancy, wishing I already had my angel baby on earth and about being scared about carrying to term may just be overwhelming the joy. And that's okay. Nobody but the mama can determine how she is feeling at any given time about a new baby. Instead you could say...

✓ “How are you emotionally?”

✘ “Don't you just feel so connected to your baby?”

Some moms just do not connect with their babies, especially in that first trimester, maybe even up until birth. This goes for both rainbow and first time moms. This doesn't mean that they don't love their babies, but especially moms who have experienced loss, they tend to put their guard up. They sub-consciously or consciously don't want to get connected and attached to a baby that they don't know if they're going to get to meet or not. It's scary. Your best bet is to stay away from this question altogether and realize that this may be a hard thing that she's dealing with and if it's not, the answer to the question is yes and it's really none of your business. But it's not a question to risk because if she's not feeling connected she's probably already beating herself up about it and hoping to feel anything.

✘ “Are you excited to finally be a mom (or dad)?”

I have heard this question asked to me and Dustin so many times since announcing our pregnancy. Frankly, it's downright hurtful. This statement completely writes off the fact that we already became parents, we just didn't get to post pictures and get excited about it like those with children earth side. Moral of the story, don't ever say this. Instead say..

✓ “I cannot wait to meet your baby!”

✘ “Congratulations on your first baby!”

Again, same thing as above, even if you mean “earth side” baby, we're still going to take it as you completely writing off our first child(ren). Don't say it or drop the “first”.

✘ “I guess God wanted this one with you.”

I don't think I've ever been so shocked in my life when these words met my ears not too long ago. Not only is this extremely hurtful to God's character, but it's a slap in the face to me. God never intended for any of this to be the way it is, but because of sin it is. God didn't ever WANT me to be in this much pain or to take my babies from me. God didn't deem any of my children more “fit” to be on earth than the others. God wanted them all to be with me. He allowed what happened to happen, but He certainly didn't want it. Just keep your mouth shut in this case.

✘ “What did you do different this time??”

If you're puzzled this individual was insinuating.. to “keep” the baby. What did I do to keep the baby. ... Speechless? Ya, me too. If you ever get this question, I'm deeply sorry. If you're confused here's what you need to know. There isn't anything that most of did or did not do to ensure that our babies were healthy and nurtured. And even if there WAS something that happened to cause it, it was most likely out of our control and even if it wasn't we're already dealing with the guilt and beating ourselves up. Regardless, this is no ones business and there is nothing you can do “different” to ensure that you carry to term. We're all doing our absolute best and those of us who do miscarry are already questioning every move, every bite, every sip and hating on our bodies for “failing” us in that important time. So instead of being nosy and saying something incredibly hurtful say something positive that will add value and recognize their efforts...

✓ “Is there anything I can get you to make this pregnancy easier on you?”

✘ “You must be ready now, it just wasn't the right time before.”

Refer back to the “God wanted” statement. This is not only unhelpful but it's irrelevant. Nobody is ever “ready” for a baby and not being ready doesn't mean that the baby should die or that it doesn't make it any less hard to cope with. Hush.

✘ “Just be grateful for the baby you have now.”

Oh boy. This one.. This one. If you haven't experienced a loss it can be hard to navigate and you may just feel like they're being “ungrateful” by not simply being elated that they have a baby. I have heard this argument and as infuriating as it is to me, I can understand how someone who just doesn't know that pain can feel that way. But I want to assure you that we love our babies, but we love them all, not just the ones we get the privilege to raise. We never want our babies on earth to feel like they aren't wanted or that we would've traded them for the baby we lost. Quite the contrary, it's just that we wish that losing a baby didn't exist; that no one would ever have to experience that pain. But just as you would mourn a baby that you physically got to meet, we mourn the ones that we never got the chance to know, see grow or hold. So the next time you feel or think that, look at your own babies and think about what you would do if you lost one, would you be ungrateful for mourning the loss of one and not simply rejoicing in that you still had one to hold? Exactly. Instead say...

✓ “What a blessing all of your babies are.”

Rainbow moms are mothers who are having a hard time, believe me. As excited as they are to experience all of the “firsts” with their rainbow baby, they also mourn all of those same experiences they missed out on with their other babes. They understand that if they hadn't lost their other bab(y/ies) that they wouldn't have their rainbow baby, but at the same time they wish they could have them all. It's a complicated place to be in and it's difficult to verbalize and communicate and so we need grace and we need recognition.

Our worst fear is that our other babies will be forgotten and looked right past every year that they aren't with us.

So besides keeping your mouth shut or only speaking words of encouragement, what can you do to support a rainbow mama?

1. Learn when their baby's birthdays and due dates were. Try to be of extra support to that mama when those days come around. Text her and let her know you're thinking of her or bring her a coffee, even if it's years after. You may think it's weird but it will mean the world to her that someone not only remembered her baby but that they took the time to check in on her and expected her to be sad, because it is sad.
2. If she named her baby, be sure to refer to them by that name when you speak about them and when you ask her how she's doing. Gift her something with their initial or their name, it will be treasured.
3. When she has her rainbow baby and especially subsequent babies, be sure to acknowledge her loss(es) by not referring to them as “the first” or “the oldest”. It may not seem like the biggest deal to some, but even years later it can mean a lot knowing that the other lives lost are being acknowledged.

Really, the biggest thing is to acknowledge, acknowledge, acknowledge. Never stop acknowledging the existence of the children that she never got to birth or see grow up. Be so careful with your wording and be intentional with how you speak to her, especially in hard days/months/weeks.

I hope that this opened the eyes for some of you that haven't experienced loss but want to be there for those in your life who have. No matter how many years later, being there for them will mean the world. And for those of you who have rainbow babies or who are pregnant with one, I hope that this made you feel seen and understood. Every process of the loss and grieving and healing process is difficult and complicated and filled with unexpected emotions. Allow yourself to process them however you need. This is your journey.

xoxo – Ry

Unlike the famous song goes, I cannot stand and say that I am proud to be an American right now.

Honestly I don't know what that even means anymore; to be an American.

I love this country, I truly do. I recognize and appreciate the freedom we do have, although fleeting, is still far more abundant than many others in the world are privileged to have.

But the way that I’ve seen this country act, especially this year, it hasn’t been pretty.

I can honestly say that I have for a long time taken for granted what it means to be an American.

Until this year.

I would say that I have woken up more this year than ever before to how quickly and easily freedom can be taken from you.

The freedom to choose what you believe.

The freedom to choose what goes into your body.

The freedom to choose what goes on your body.

The freedom to come and go as you please.

The freedom to vote and know that your vote mattered.

I know that these freedoms have been slipping away for years, slowly but surely, but the impact on them in my life really didn't hit until this year.

I remember the 2016 election, it was the first one that I can say I really paid attention to. I turned seventeen four days before the election. I was so close to being able to participate I could taste it on my tongue. I followed along with the candidates and looked at both sides trying to make the most unbiased decision. Looking back I'm still not sure who I would've voted for if I had been allowed to vote at seventeen, truth be told I probably would've regretted either decision. I guess that's why you're not allowed to vote until you're eighteen. I tend to agree with that rule.

It's sad when you're having to look at the lesser of two evils.

I remember at the time I was so angry, yet the things I was angry about were fueled by the media. I've since learned to throw away literally everything that comes from a major network. Agree or disagree, I can't look at who owns these companies and see how they would benefit from twisting a narrative a certain way and get on board with that.

This year has especially broken my heart.

It is the first presidential election that I can partake in and I truly don't want to. I want to run for the hills.

Because honestly, if I voted for who I somewhat align with (which isn't saying much)– I would be called immoral, disgusting and racist. Which is heartbreaking because anyone who knows me knows that I am none of those things.

But we have been so indoctrinated with the idea that if you vote for 'x' you are 'y' or that if you believe in 'x' that you can't believe in 'y'. That if you choose one person that you align with everything that they believe and everything they've ever said and let's be honest, that's an impossible ask for anyone. Not only is this unfair but many of the adjectives used to describe said people are based out of lies, cherry picked quotes and a blind eye to the rest of the candidate.

Both the red and blue do that to one another, it's just that one side manages to be a little louder because they happen to be the side that the media benefits from the most.

On the other hand if I voted for who I truly want to vote for, I'd be screamed at for throwing away my vote. For trying too hard to change the world at a time where there is only one “supposed” option... even when there's not. In fact we have a third party option on the ballot in every state this year.

It's truly a tricky situation to be in and as much as I am looking for a window to crawl out of I can't seem to find one.

We have so deeply attached our identities to who we vote for that if you encounter someone who walks in the other direction we go into fight mode because it supposedly says something about who we are.

But did you know I can just be a person?

You can just be a person?

A person who chooses what they believe on each individual subject, regardless of what the party they happened to vote for believes?

Did you know that a person's opinion can change based on new information- and that it's shouldn't be a socially punishable offense?

It's sickening to be on social media right now.

So many claim that they want certain policies to be redacted or enacted out of love for certain people groups.

Yet there can be no happy mediums, it's my way or the highway.

Even with our closest friends and family members we hold a special kind of ignorance and haughtiness. We do not seek to listen or learn, instead we make assumptions, apply labels and we do not look at their heart but merely apply what we think we know as “Bible truth” and then look down on them accordingly.

In all of this we find that our motivations really aren't out of a place of love for all people, because if it was truly of REAL love, they would have mercy and grace and love for everyone- even those they didn't agree with.

To see people openly chanting for the death of our current President-

To see people being openly hatred about people who don't look, act or believe like them-

To see people wishing harm to anyone who votes differently than them-

The issues we desperately want to fix, it starts with knowing real love and practicing it.

It means that we keep our votes private and stop assigning labels to people based off of a singular decision they've made.

You can vote for someone and not like them, but you feel pigeonholed because you're choosing between the lesser of two evils. It is a hard decision that we all have to make, if you really want to look at it from an unbiased place- can we not have grace for one another?

You may look at it from the outside and think “easy, I pick x, anyone who picks anyone else is just stupid”– but that is an ignorant and close minded way of thinking.

If you think that way you're most likely taking the candidate you're choosing for face value because of loyalty to a party rather than taking into consideration their entire history, things they've said in the past and their actions in the years not leading up to the election and so on.

I'm going to take a step back and I want to breathe, let's breathe.

Hear me when I say that at the end of the day, this is not our home.

We can only do the best that we can while we are here and whoever ends up in that seat in the Oval Office next year will be there because God allowed them to be.

This is only a temporary place that we are passing through and if we are putting our faith, trust and entire livelihood into the hands of that man or woman behind that desk, we are doing something wrong. If we believe that, then yes, we have every right to be terrified and treating this election like it is a battle and anyone who is not on your side is an enemy to be defeated.

But if you are truly living and breathing from a place of hope and peace that you can only do the best you can and at the end of the day it will be what it will be, you're going to enjoy your time here so much more. At the end of the day what matters is how you loved.

Did you love the person in your life who you didn't agree with?

Did you love the person that you're actively fighting for on social media?

Did you love the very people group that you believe that your candidate will help? Or did you simply vote and say “well there, I've loved them”.

We cannot say that love is love or that all lives matter or that we need to save the babies or any other politically grounded statement about love- from either “side”– if we're not willing to live it out from day one until the last day.

We must love those who we disagree with.

We must love those who make different decisions than we do.

We must love those that live different lives than we do.

We must love those who look different than us.

We must love those who are not as privileged as we are.

We must love those who do not have a voice and those who do.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13

Americans I am begging you, we have a month left and we have an opportunity to turn something that has the ability to be so ugly into something so incredibly beautiful.

We have the ability to be accepting.

We have the ability to keep our eyes on what matters.

We have the ability to separate our identity from our political party and candidate that we will fill in that circle for on November 3rd.

We have the ability to love our neighbor as ourselves and blow them away with grace.

We are all at a different walk in life and we have all experienced things that others haven't. Our unique perspectives are what make humankind so incredible.

I challenge you to get back to respect.

I challenge you to get back to humility.

I challenge you to get back to accepting that you don't know it all.

I challenge you to realize that just because someone thinks differently than you doesn't mean that it's bad or that they're bad.

I challenge you to accept that things aren't as black and white as we'd like to think they are- really, they're not.

X does not equal Y.

If you are unable to get past that, I am so sorry and I truly wish you the best. That makes me very sad for you because you're missing out on living a truly fulfilling and abundant life.

I know this year has been less than ideal and I know that if who you want to win doesn't win that it feels like it's going to be the end of the world, but I promise it's not. And even it was, this is not our home. We are only passing through and there is no king or ruler that can change that.

We can leave the world better than we found it, but only if we are willing to put down our swords, make our decisions based on discernment and focus on loving each other like Jesus loved us; sacrificially and wholly, even when it doesn't make sense.

Some of the opinions implied in this video may make some angry. It may even surprise some of you who have inevitably made assumptions about me based on this post. But I think that it is a really beautiful and powerful statement that we all need to see and hear. Please don't turn it off in the first thirty seconds if you don't agree with some of the imagery, challenge yourself to watch the whole thing and hear and see.

https://youtu.be/U4rr6LewdIU

We can do better and be better, little changes at a time.

You'll even see in the video that those who had horrible things done to their families don't wish the worst or to “bring the system down”, they only wish for a change to be had and that starts with our hearts.

We must stop making assumptions about each other, about our leaders and about those who are in different situations than us.

We must seek to learn, for even that is an example of love.

We must seek to understand and ask how we can do better.

We must seek to truly find a real solution and not simply a bandaid.

We have put ourselves in a truly horrible situation this election year, but we have more than two options and if we are going to ever see a change in our leadership- even though it's not the be all end all- we must stop complying with what we've been doing. It's not working, for anyone.

The policies being argued about- there are real people behind them that will either suffer or benefit based on how we choose to see and love them or how we choose to turn away. Americans, we need to wake up. We need to get back to being the hands and feet of Jesus, even when it makes people uncomfortable. Even when our candidates and our leaders and those around us have a hard time showing love and respect. We must set the example and remove hate from the equation. We must turn the other cheek and fight back in love. Vengeance is not ours, we have clear instructions on what we are supposed to do with the time we spend on earth and we must start doing that, even when it feels like it's all crashing down.

Let us love each other wholly.

Let us seek to understand.

Let us keep our eyes on truth.

Let us pray for our land.

Let us get rid of the notion that we are how we vote.

Let us remember that we are just passing through to our home.

xoxo- Ry

Hey friends!

It's been a hot second since I've done anything music related on Coil and Cinnamon. Truth be told I felt a little burnt out on music and more than half of my music stuff is packed up. Our room is also a mess with baby stuff in it and I'm limited on places to film and cleaning is just exhausting for me. It's also gotten hard for me to play guitar with my growing belly and singing is difficult with a child sitting in my rib cage. 😅 Anyways, besides all of those semi-valid excuses I just haven't had much inspiration.

Until last week when fellow creator Catera threw out a request! I decided to run with it since it's one of my favorite Maren Morris songs.

https://twitter.com/CateraCombs/status/1309876072842919941?s=20

I almost didn't post it because of course the one time I go outside to film the wind and wind chimes decide to steal the show but I was too tired by the end of my third try that I decided to just run with it. Ah the joys of pregnancy. 😅 Hopefully you find the great outdoors charming.

xoxo – Ry

https://cinnamon.video/watch?v=421517826147222936

Looking back on my first year of marriage I could label it as the “year of learning”. I won't say that it was a major shock because it really didn't feel like one. We pretty easily moved from dating to engaged to married without any major hiccups. I'd describe our relationship as strong, but shallow. Not because we hadn't built our relationship on a foundation but because we just hadn't experienced any hard things together yet.

That changed very quickly and within the first month we had one thing dumped on us after another.

Miscarriage.

Death of a close family member.

A big move in to care for a family member.

A career change.

Another miscarriage.

And more I won't even go into for the sake of our privacy.

But it was a doozy of a year.

We managed to stay fairly close but there were moments where we had to deal with dishonesty and deep wounds that we both had caused one another. There were many nights where we went to bed angry, where we both mulled for hours over the words we each had said and the ones we hadn't.

Throughout that year we learned a lot about the ins and outs of how we each communicate under stress and pressure.

We also learned a lot about what true intimacy looks like.

Going into your first year it can be hard not to get caught up in the “honeymoon stage” mentality. For instance every time we had a fight or a disagreement instead of allowing each other space we would force ourselves to quickly talk it out and then use sex as a bandaid. It became so forced that it was rarely enjoyable and we ended up fighting even more.

We felt like we were drifting apart and losing our spark. It caused us both to make decisions that harmed each other because we both needed to fill the gaping hole that could only be filled with true intimacy.

In our society we are under the impression that sex either means nothing or it's the epitome of intimacy.

But what we don't realize is that true intimacy goes much deeper than that and it's actually neither.

True intimacy is in the late night conversations and intentional time spent together.

It's in knowing your partner's coffee order and doing things to make them smile.

It's in being able to look at them and attend to their emotional needs without expecting anything in return.

It's in the skin to skin moments where you simply fall asleep with each other.

It's in the moments where you know what they're thinking just by looking at them and in the moments where you don't and you intentionally and lovingly communicate.

It's in the openness and vulnerability that you have to sacrifice for your relationship to be bonded to another extent.

Without that true intimacy fueling the relationship you won't desire each other physically or emotionally. Without it your love for that person will start to fade and you may feel like your entire relationship is draining you.

Intimacy isn't just about getting, it's about giving. But if you aren't receiving as much as you are giving, your cup will slowly start to empty out until there is nothing left and you're forced to simply go through the motions.

This is why time spent with each other and intentional conversations without any distractions like phones or children or work are imperative to the health of your relationship.

A healthy sex life is important but is it really healthy if it's the only thing holding your relationship together?

So what can you do if you feel like you're starting to slip into a place that you don't want to be?

Keep other people out of your relationship.

I was very insistent about this rule when we first started dating and I was so strict about it that my friends barely even knew Dustin when we got married. Whoops. I took it a little far, but it set a good precedent. Until I broke that in our first year of marriage. I got someone else involved and it deeply hurt both of us. It wasn't that I necessarily wanted it to happen but that was how I tried to fill that intimacy void and it backfired tremendously. My biggest tip, because I know how isolating it is when you feel like your partner isn't being open and honest with you and is tired of the “we need to fix this” talks, is to journal out how you feel. Once you've gotten it out on paper you can more easily communicate to your partner by reading it back to them or by starting a conversation. You can reach out to someone and let them know that you need help or prayer without divulging all of the details. You just don't want to turn your conversation into a bash session against your partner. It's not healthy to vent about them and others will be far less forgiving than you will be once you're past it. There are two caveats to this rule. 1. Seeing a therapist, which is really healthy and if you can both attend, do so. 2. If this is an emotionally or physically abusive relationship and you need to get out, tell someone and let them know you need help.

Don't hold back.

Be honest about where you're at, even if it may offend your partner. The more you allow things to build up the worse they're going to be when you finally explode. It's inevitable. You need to tell them when something bugs you- maybe not every time, especially if they've agreed to work on something because that will make them not want to work on it- but tell them quickly. Rather than letting a bad habit simmer, work on it together immediately. This will keep the line of communication open and keep any secrets or harbored anger from building a wall between you.

Don't leave or go to bed angry.

I know it can be really annoying when you're tired or in a hurry to have to deal with something but if you're fighting you need to stay and work it out. Not to be grim but you truly never know when you or your partner won't wake up or come home. Don't let the last thing you said to them or thought about them be something based out of anger.

Lower your expectations.

Sometimes our expectations for our partners are ridiculously high. Things that they could literally never live up to. It's important that we communicate our desires and our needs, but if you expect immediate change and perfection, you're going to be sadly disappointed because no one is capable of that. Lower your expectations and believe them when they say they're going to work on something and intentionally recognize them when they do what they say they're going to do.

Be open to constructive criticism.

On the flip side of that, be open to constructive criticism. No one likes to be told what they're doing wrong but if you're always the one nitpicking your partner it's likely that they aren't doing it back to you because they know how it feels and they don't want to make you feel that way or they know you'll get angry and they don't want to even bother. That's not fair to anyone as a relationship is about give and take. Try not to nitpick and rather set a time to sit down and discuss things you need to work on in your relationship and be willing to hear some negative feedback yourself. Set a boundary to not take it personally and to realize that whatever you need to do is going to better your relationship and needs to be done out of love. When you both leave with things to work on it makes it much easier because no one leaves feeling attacked and singled out.

Be understanding about the growth process.

I know it can be frustrating when you don't see immediate change or when it take two, three, or five hundred tries for your partner to do what you want or need them to do, but growth takes time. Ideally your partner is serious when they say they're going to work on something but we usually notice more when they slip up rather than when they're making progress. Be understanding of the growth process that needs to happen and don't get stuck on the moments where they mess up when they truly are trying.

Be intentional about the time you spend together.

Like I mentioned earlier, intimacy is based on time spent together. I get that with jobs and kids and responsibilities that life can get busy and hectic, but you have to carve out time. Date nights are important but they can put a lot of unnecessary pressure on your energy and finances. Instead, simply prioritize eating meals together, going to bed together, cuddling and talking, putting the phones away and planning things on a semi regular basis to go out. True intimacy can occur everywhere- even in the aisles of the grocery store while you meal plan.

Learn to appreciate all of the intimate moments, even the ones that are mundane. Remember how it felt when you were dating? When even folding laundry together was romantic? Aim to get back to that. Be playful and fun and flirty and just love on each other. You don't have to lose that spark simply because you put a ring on it.

I hope that sharing my experience was more helpful than harmful. I know how frustrating it is to read about other people's relationships when you're going through a rough patch. But I want you to know that we've been there and we still struggle in some of these areas. It's an ongoing process of working to love each other more deeply, sacrificially and intentionally.

Be conscious about where you're at and if you feel like you need to work on this area, rather than sitting down and making a big deal out of it, start living it. Set an example of how you want to be loved by loving them. I'm not talking about love languages, that's a topic for another day, but just start with the basics. Be intentional, be affectionate, do things without asking anything in return and start looking at your partner the way you did when you were dating or when you first got married. Look for the ways to fall in love with them all over again.

Be Loved,

xoxo – Ry