Riley Q

I am 31 weeks and five days and struggling.

This third trimester is no joke and I'm not only in a ton of pain but I'm exhausted. This paired with the stress of trying to close on a house and coordinate moving and hearing all of the stories of my friends' babies coming the week we're set to move- it's all just a bit much. That being said.. I'm trying to keep my cool, enjoy these last eight weeks and stay as pain free as possible!

Here are my favorite ways to do so right now..

https://cinnamon.video/watch?v=416122578055202515

None of the following products are affiliate links, just things I love!

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3. Bath – Hah. Can't link this.

4.

For a week or so now I've been hearing rumblings about a new documentary on Netflix, “The Social Dilemma”. Given the fact that a large part of my current career revolves around online communication and social media, I felt the need to give it a watch.

TW: The documentary and a quote in this article references statistics on teenage self harm and suicide rates in regard to social media.

I was intrigued immediately upon hitting play as the grim music set the scene for a hauntingly true and applicable quote..

“Nothing vast enters the life of mortals without a curse.” – Sophocles

Keep in mind I had no idea what was coming when I hit play so I was shocked when the interviewees started introducing themselves. Former employees and high up developers from.. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Google- my jaw literally dropped. My palms got sweaty as I watched them all nervously warm up to share the truth behind the major social media giants that have come to control our society. How they can even get away with sharing, I have no idea.

It’s interesting to watch as these men and women squirm in their seats faced with the question (I am paraphrasing), “If this technology has done us so much good, what is the problem?”.

I have to give it to them, they highlighted a lot of 2020 and the issues we’ve encountered with “fake news” and the problematic aspects that social media contributed to the panic and frenzy that was this year. In my opinion, it was a generally unbiased documentary. Some that work at any of those social media giants may say it was biased against them, but I think the result of years of social media addiction and isolation via “social” platforms speaks for itself and what’s come of it is not pretty. I will note I was disappointed to see that there were some things that were said by some of the interviewees that were definitely biased- personal issues that everyone has the right to choose on and should not be labeled misinformation but have, because that’s the nature of the beast that is the internet. Some of these things could be looked at as offensive to people’s experiences, but I chose to look past that for the bigger purpose of this documentary and even if you are offended by what is said, I encourage you to not throw away the rest of the documentary just because you don’t agree with them on those issues. It would’ve been nice to see people represented on both sides of these issues, but knowing Netflix’s investors, this movie would’ve never made the cut if they were. All I’m going to say is that the term conspiracy theorist is grossly misused (it was created with a similar purpose of turning us against one another), believing in medical freedom and informed consent should not be looked down upon and pedophilia and human trafficking need to stop being ignored and dismissed because of propaganda and an agenda to protect the very same people who are buying and selling our information.

I really appreciated the fact that in-between interviews and the timeline of the ever evolving technology, they weaved in a storyline of a family and how technology really does effect our day to day lives and the way that we interact with each other as a family unit. It truly makes you think about how technology has led to the demise of our family structures over the past 20-30 years.

My heart was actually breaking watching this because it’s almost as if these former employees were under a spell that they were working to create something good that would help people and they truly believed that, but have now come out of the dark and uncovered their eyes and they realize what they’ve contributed to. What they meant for good has become something vastly different. So much so that they are in some moments literally at a loss for words. But yet they are speaking up to try to help make some sense of what has happened, bring the truth to the public and make an internal change to make social media and email and the internet less addictive. They’re making an effort to start fixing some of the problems from the inside out, but they’re few in number because although people like the idea of implementing morals back into these major platforms, the money and power fueling the current systems are really hard to take your eyes off of. The addiction doesn’t just rest with the users but it applies to the developers as well.

What is interesting to me as a consumer of media is that although we recognize the fact that social media is destroying aspects of our society- and quite possibly our brains- we are so addicted to it that the thought of stepping back, taking time off or heaven forbid, deleting our accounts, seems impossible. We see the problem, we acknowledge the problem, we hate the problem, but we will never get rid of the problem. So does that not leave the companies behind the problem morally responsible to do something? If self control has been completely taken out of the equation do we not deserve the human decency that they think of the long term effect they are having on our brains, our friends and our families? But that will not happen because they have reached such a level of money and power that they will not back down and will only continue to look for ways to be more addictive and therefore generate more revenue using our information and our vulnerabilities.

If you’re reading this on Coil, chances are that you are well aware of the issues that we face as a society and you’re here because you believe in companies like Coil and Cinnamon who are trying to make a change via web monetization. We realize that we must continue to make money via the internet but that it doesn’t have to come at the cost of our information. As early as we are in the development of web monetization it can feel discouraging because it seems sometimes like people don’t care that their information is being sold. But this documentary alone gives me hope because not only do those in Silicon Valley realize that there is a problem, but they actually care enough to share it in a format that allows the public to see the bigger issue. The more media we have like this the more that people will start to get mad and look for other solutions.. enter: web monetization.

Early Facebook investor, Roger McNamee, said “For the last ten years, the biggest companies in Silicon Valley have been in the business of selling their users.”

Aza Raskin, inventor and former employee of Firefox & Mozilla Labs even went on to say..
“It’s a little even trite to say now but because we don’t pay for the products that we use, advertisers pay for the products that we use, advertisers are the customers… we’re the thing being sold.”

I seriously got goosebumps hearing them say that because that is what the creators of web monetization and those that support it have been saying for years- but hearing it on a public platform like Netflix is huge.

Whether we like it or not we are the products. The platforms that we use for “free” are not free, we pay with our information, our mental health and it comes at a cost that most of us, if we really knew what was happening, would never have agreed to pay.

“What I want people to know is that everything they’re doing online is being watched, is being tracked, is being measured; every single action you take is carefully monitored and recorded. Exactly what image you stop and look at, for how long you look at it, oh yeah seriously, for how long you look at it.” – Jeff Seibert (Former Twitter Executive)

I want you to stop and think about that for a moment. Are you okay with that? I mean truly okay with that? So many people who I’ve talked to about web monetization or who have encountered a similar model have said something along the lines of “I don’t really care if they have my information, what does it matter? I’d rather have free stuff.”

That my friends is an epidemic. We have become so accustomed to our information being harvested and so entitled to things being free that we truly don’t care. We don’t care if they’re trying to indoctrinate us, if they’re trying to reprogram our brains and if they’re trying to turn us into 24/7 consumers- as long as we get something for free. I mean that blows my mind that we are okay with that level of an invasion of privacy. It’s like if someone came to your door and said “Hey, I’ll give you a dictionary if you let me observe you in your house today, take pictures of you and record everything you’re doing – showering, cooking, laundry – and then sell it to the owners of the dictionary company. We want to figure out what product we can sell you on next so we need to capture you in your most vulnerable state. But don’t forget, the dictionary is free!” We would NEVER say yes to that but that’s exactly what we’re doing with Google every time we spend time on the browser. But because it’s behind closed doors, behind a screen, just us and our phones- we don’t think of it that way. We somehow think we’re safe, but we’re the furthest thing from safe.

They’re using our information to turn us against one another, censor us, invoke hatred and cause us to buy into the narratives that benefit the highest bidder.

According to Tristan Harris – “the conscious of Silicon Valley” and former Design Ethicist at Google- “Persuasive technology, what we’re experiencing now, was literally created to force us to modify our behavior, take certain actions and think certain thoughts.” Is that not insane? If you’ve ever questioned why your moods change before, after and during a scrolling session- you don’t have to think anymore. It is intentional- they are doing it to you with the way they present information and content.

What’s mind blowing is that we are not only consuming content, but we just keep creating more content and it doesn’t even make us money- we just keep making them more money. Is that not insane? They’ve really got a sweet set up on their end of the deal we sub-consciously made when we clicked “Accept” on those Terms and Conditions that we never truly read. Technically they can claim that we gave “informed consent” to the way that they use and sell us, but is it really informed when it’s buried in legal jargon that no one is going to take the time to read, let alone understand if we did read it? In any other field that would be seen as unethical and manipulative.

But who is going to hold the largest companies in the world to a code of ethics?

No-one. Because we are addicted consumers and they hold our next fix.

That would be like asking an addict to stop using drugs cold turkey, ask their fellow addicts to stop using and then ask them to all approach their dealer to stop dealing altogether. It’s never going to happen.

“There are only two industries that call their customers ‘users’: illegal drugs and software.” – Edward Tufte

They’re going to hold that addiction in the palm of their hand and continue to exploit you as best they can to make a quick buck. Yet when we share this information, especially on the platforms themselves, it is marked as “misinformation” and the “fact-checkers” that they have hired, flag it for everyone to see. That alone should make you very wary of anything marked “false or untrue” by the companies themselves because they don’t actually care about getting the truth out to you, they care about getting the version of the truth that will make them the most money and benefit them the most. Personally I think this method is starting to backfire because I’ve found that anything they flag I tend to look deeper into and there is often truth to what was flagged as “untrue”. It’s kind of working against them because it just brings more attention to the things that they don’t want us to see and I’m certainly not going to source my information from the sources that they conveniently provide- on their platform.

What’s sadly funny is that we can’t even say that this is all a conspiracy anymore, not when the former presidents and executives of these social companies are speaking out and sharing the truth.

Facebook’s former president Sean Parker even said “I mean it’s exactly the kind of thing that a hacker like myself would come up with because you’re exploiting a vulnerability in human psychology. I just think that the inventors, creators, ya know it’s me, it’s Mark, it’s the Kevin Systrom at Instagram, ya know it’s all of these people, um, understood this. Consciously. And we did it anyway.”

“Social media isn’t a tool that’s just waiting to be used, it has its own goals and it has its own means of pursuing them by using your psychology against you.” -Tristan Harris

Right there is an admission of guilt. Those who have spoken out against social media, they’re not just conspiracy theorists anymore, the theories are true. There is an intent to use us and when you hear that a developer themselves had to “write myself software to break my addiction to reading Reddit” (Aka Raskin), you know there is a problem. The technology behind the platforms and the algorithms have become so powerful that even the creators themselves cannot control themselves. That’s terrifying.

So we’re dealing with addicting platforms that are exposing us to tens of thousands of people a day and now we’re not only messing with our time, but we’re starting to mess with our mental health and our brain chemicals. We’re messing with our dopamine levels, we’re messing with our children’s levels and we’re exposing ourselves to a constant onslaught of opinions that mislead us in deciding what our self worth is. No other era has has ever experienced anything like this. No wonder the last two generations that have grown up immersed in technology are the most depressed, anxious and mentally unwell generations to ever exist. We were not meant for this.

“There has been a gigantic increase in depression and anxiety for American teenagers which began right around, between 2011 and 2013. The number of teenage girls out of 100,000, in this country, who were admitted to a hospital every year because they cut themselves, or otherwise harmed themselves, that number was pretty stable until around 2010, 2011, and then it begins going way up. It’s up 62% for older teen girls, it’s up 189% for the pre-teen girls. That’s nearly triple. Even more horrifying, we see the same pattern with suicide. The older teen girls, 15-19 years old, they’re up 70% compared to the first decade of the century. The preteen girls who have very low rates to begin with, they are up 151%. And that pattern points to social media. Gen Z, the kids born after 1996 or so, those kids are the first generation in history that got on social media in middle school. How do they spend their time? They come home from school and they’re on their devices. The whole generation is more anxious, more fragile, more depressed; they’re much less comfortable taking risks- the rates at which they get driver’s licenses have been dropping. The number who have ever gone out on a date or had any kind of romantic interaction is dropping rapidly. This is a real change in a generation. And remember for every one of these, for every hospital admission, there’s a family that is traumatized and horrified, my God, what is happening to our kids?” – Jonathan Haidt, PhD Social Psychologist

“It’s plain as day to me, these services are killing people and causing people to kill themselves.” – Tim Kendall (Former President of Pinterest)

I don’t know how you can hear that and not get angry. These social media companies KNOW that they are manipulating us, preying on us, trapping us and breaking us to the point where we take our own lives. Why is this acceptable? Why are we accepting this as the new reality?

Why are we continually signing our own death certificates- potentially even our own children’s? Addiction.

It’s deeply concerning that we are being turned against not only ourselves but each other. We are being manipulated into believing one narrative. We are being pigeonholed into a narrow group of sources that supposedly hold the truth to all that we are questioning. Yet these sources are paying to be the sources. This is deeply concerning that we are being treated like lab rats and tools to achieve one thing: more revenue.

There has to be a better way.

But how is there a better way when AI cannot determine what is true and we as humans are never going to be able to agree on what is true?

As a Christian I can only throw my hands up and say “Lord, help us”. At the end of the day I have to source truth from what I believe is the ultimate truth and that is the Bible. If it doesn’t align with that I have to leave it behind because my time on Earth is short and the more time I spend looking at social media, the less time I am looking at Jesus’ face and doing what I’m supposed to be doing, which is serving those around me. It’s easy to get caught up in the fear of what social media is doing to us and I do believe that we should do our due diligence to step back and take back the control of what we’re consuming and how we’re continuing to contribute to these issues and fund these companies, but at the same time we have to realize that we cannot live in fear. Mention of civil war and existential dread in documentaries like this can bring about deep fear, but I encourage you to not dwell on that. Not to be naive, but because what will be will be and we can only take steps to protect our brains and our children’s brains by choosing what we allow in and what we allow ourselves to partake in. Beyond that we are powerless and Christians, we must surrender that back to God.

In summary, I highly encourage you to watch this documentary and start to consider how you truly use the internet.

Rather than thinking that you’re saving all of your photos on Facebook as a storage solution, think “am I okay with giving this photo to advertisers? Do I want them to see my kids and use them to make money?”

Rather than allowing your phone to draw you by lighting up every two seconds, literally, turn off your notifications and set limits for the amount of time you can spend on certain apps.

If you’re going to use the major social platforms, fine, I won’t judge you, I still use them, because yes, I too am addicted and there are some perks, but at least KNOW what you’re giving them every time you scroll. Be conscious of what you’re sharing because you’re not just sharing it with your friends, you’re sharing it with everyone who is buying your opinions- but don’t forget, you won’t see a cent.

Realize that you are a social slave- you are being used and sold and traded and the only way completely out is to cut yourself off from all of your friends and family and your social outlets that you are so addicted to. Or is it?

I encourage you to start filtering out major platforms or use them very intentionally and in the meantime start replacing them with other platforms that have your best interest in mind. Platforms that ensure that consumers are getting their hands on the content without risking their privacy and mental health while at the same time allowing creators to actually make money on the content that they produce- without having to sign brand deals and sell themselves further to advertisers. The ones that don’t want to sell your information, that are using technology like web-monetization and that want to find a solution for both the consumer and the innovators. Platforms like Mg.Social to replace Facebook, gFam to replace Instagram, Ecosia to replace Google, Puma to replace Safari or Chrome, Cinnamon to replace YouTube and Coil to replace Medium and other blogging sites. The social giants want you to think that you don’t have any other option except for selling your information, but you do have other choices, you just have to choose to make the jump and use them.

Technology is amazing and we can continue to reap the benefits but we need to be conscious of the whole picture.

You don’t have to settle for censorship.

You don’t have to settle for constant advertisements.

You don’t have to settle for being sold and traded like you aren’t even human.

The ball is in your court now, be aware and make the changes that are right for you. Even if you choose not to switch platforms at least watch The Social Dilemma and stay through the credits where these same tech gurus walk you through their recommendations to help you break your addiction and better protect you and your family.

If you're interested in learning more about web monetization, Coil and the other solutions that have been introduced to fix some of these problems, you can start here.

xoxo – Ry

Have you ever been faced with an opportunity only to back down because you didn't feel qualified?

Do you have a fear of failure- that you're not going to be enough?

How many moments did you choose not to jump in because you were afraid that you'd sink?

I can think of at least a dozen off the top of my head.

You never know when you're going to stumble into an opportunity to pursue your passion. Sometimes it happens naturally and sometimes the opportunity sneaks up behind you and takes you by surprise. Sometimes you don't even know that you should be doing that thing until you're doing it.

You'll have moments in life that make you ask, “Who? Me?”.

To be completely honest, even years into following my pursuits, staring those emotions in the face is still just as terrifying as the day I first said yes to taking a chance on myself. Really, to saying yes to the journey that God wanted to take me on.

I'm really speaking to everyone here, not just the entrepreneurs and the creatives and the adventure seekers. This is just as prevalent on the day you say yes to the college you choose or the day you said yes to that job that you weren't 100% sure you were qualified or ready for.

So if you step back and wonder, am I really ready? When you doubt that you're going to be able to do what you're feeling pulled to do-

The reality is that no matter how many degrees you have, no matter how many internships you've done and no matter how much research you've put in you're never going to be fully qualified to start.

As a Christian especially I am constantly reminded that outside of God I'm not good enough. I'm always going to come short and qualified isn't something I'm ever going to be able to attain- at least not on my own.

So what's the flip side to this? Why are so many people thriving and succeeding if none of us are ever qualified?

The key is to come to the table to become equipped.

I personally find that when you're equipped, even if you're not qualified, you are far more likely to succeed. And when you inevitably trip up or fall down, it's much easier to get back up and keep on going because you have the knowledge and the tools and the confidence to do so.

To be equipped means that you have what is needed to get the job done. This can very easily be mixed up with qualified, but to be qualified means that you are fitted for that given purpose. To start you must be equipped and you will become qualified as you go.

I believe that to become equipped you need two different things that are somewhat easy to get your hands on.

You need an energy source and determination.

Not everyone can do every job as some jobs do require degrees and such, but your interest in a subject and the means of pursuing it doesn't require a degree within itself. It takes patience and understanding to realize that it's about the journey and you can achieve your goal if you're willing to put in the leg work.

This energy source has to be based in spirituality. It comes from having faith whether it be in God or yourself that you can accomplish what you're setting out to do. It's having faith that even when things don't make sense that there is a greater plan and you simply have to show up and walk the path. In my own life I've come to the realization that God doesn't always call the qualified, He equips the called to bring the glory back to Him. Personally I've found that I'm far more successful and have a much better time when I'm sourcing that energy and faith from God, but that's your own journey to walk and figure out.

The determination is sourced out of that energy and is found when you're doing the work. The work being the time that you spend on your self development and learning to trust yourself and your instincts. I find that when I spend time on the things that I love to do and I push myself to grow in the various areas that I'm considering or actively pursuing that I naturally gain the tools that I would need to excel in those areas.

It's just a matter of putting the time in. The more time you put in, the more you discover your “why”. It's really a win-win. But again, that can be a struggle for some because giving yourself the time to work on things and trusting yourself enough to just dip your toe in the water can be scary for some people.

Whether you feel unworthy or like you'll never “get there” it's important that you get back to the root of the truth.

We all start at the bottom.

Your life circumstances do not define your ability to succeed.

You will never be fully qualified to start, so just start.

You can become equipped with determination and faith.

Your results will not necessarily show up overnight but one day you'll be able to look back and see just how far you've come.

The greatest in the world were at one point afraid.

Doing it scared is better than not doing it at all.

These are all lessons that I am constantly having to remind myself of because even four, almost five years in to being a full time creator, I'm still scared. I still lose sight of my goals. I still feel like I am the furthest thing from qualified. I still have to seek God on a regular basis and ask Him to equip me to get a certain job done because I don't always know the answers. It is a daily battle of reminding myself that I am equipped by faith and if I walk by faith and not by sight I will always be equipped to do what I need to do. As long as I keep my eye on my purpose and my calling and I do not allow my worth to get entangled in the mess that I will be able to say determined and keep moving forward.

Life isn't about having it all figured out, it's about experiencing the journey of figuring things out one day at a time. Embrace the highs and lows and really, don't be afraid to jump all in and say yes. You will fall but you will be able to get back up and it won't be as scary as your mind makes it out to be.

xoxo – Ry

Happy Monday friends!

As we enter into the last full week of September, yes October starts next week, I encourage you to evaluate where you're at mentally. This year has crawled by but yet has also flown by and I think we owe it to ourselves to try and finish it out strong. We get to choose how things go because we get to choose how our circumstances effect us.

Mental health checks on a regular basis are really important. You need to know where you're at and adjust your habits accordingly to fit your needs.

I think we often get into such stressful habits and routines that we do whatever we can to just get by and survive. But you should be more than functioning, you should be thriving. You only live one life and there is absolutely zero excuse for why you shouldn’t live a peaceful and fulfilled one.

This starts with your mental health.

I know a lot of us have been just running and doing our best to get by since the beginning of the school year. There’s been so many adjustments and changes and so many stressful things going on in the world. It’s easy for us to take it and put it all on your shoulders but it’s not yours to take on. So with that being said, here’s a few questions to check in with yourself. You can journal these out or simply ponder them.

1. On a scale of 1-10 how overwhelmed am I?

2. On a scale of 1-10 well rested am I?

3. Are my emotions controlling me right now?

4. Are my circumstances determining my choices or am I actively making the best decisions that I can?

5. Have I been taking time to recharge?

6. How do I feel about myself right now?

7. What could I improve on?

8. What thoughts am I fighting off or succumbing to?

9. What is the truth of the situations I’m facing?

10. How can I redefine my circumstances to lessen the load?

11. What can I say “no” to and take off my plate this week?

12. What is one thing I can to care for myself today?

After you've pondered these things I encourage you to actually do something about your answers. Do you realize that you've been feeling stressed and not giving yourself enough time to just be? Take question 11 seriously and say no to some stuff. Take things off of your plate and then focus in on question 12 and do something to take care of yourself. If you feel like you're in a good place, that's awesome! Consciously think about how you're achieving that and how you can continue that into these next few weeks.

Life is a constant ebb and flow and you'll never be in a great place all of the time, but that doesn't mean that you can't strive to stay within a healthy mindset and lifestyle. Your body, your friends and your family will thank you.

Love on yourself a little extra today and if you feel like your cup is overflowing love on those around you!

xoxo – Ry

I’ve been desperately seeking answers lately. I wrote this at 3 am after a night where my body decided to only sleep in three hour segments, but I almost believe I was up just to catch this moment with God. I’ve felt lost and disoriented and frustrated by the lack of movement in my life. I’ve been sedentary and in these moments I’ve been called back to the Bible. Just sitting with God is not something I’m good at. My brain gets restless, I allow- almost welcome- the distractions & I let the lies work in me instead of pass over me. Yet when I sit down and I do it, God shows up. He always does. Anytime I commit to time with Him He shows up, he’s never stood me up.

I’ve been searching for the answers for my career path. I’ve been confused and disheartened by this year. I had so many plans to release all of this music and then pregnancy happened. And then Covid hit. And then we needed to save for a house and then a car and now I’m here. And I truly don’t know what to do.

In the music industry if you want to do the dang thing, you have to do it. 100%, grind 24/7, you live & breathe it and that’s what all of your money and effort goes to. If you don’t do that you’re not serious. But yet something about that doesn’t feel right to me. If I do that it means giving up all of my other passions and callings. It means putting my family in a strained position. It means doing things I don’t actually want to do.

It’s a hard industry because if you’re not grinding and hustling you’re “not trying” and you must not “want it enough” and people “won't take you seriously”. And putting out small projects just to get yourself out there is almost a waste of money and time. Not just for you but for those you work with. The question often is, “are you in this? Do you really want it?” and although I've said yes in the past, I'm vacillated back and forth. I'm fully aware that this makes me look wishy washy and it's not a great look in the industry. It's so much pressure, honestly.

But how does one answer all of these questions when you don’t really know what you’re getting yourself into?

How do you make the decision to step into a hustle, hustle, hustle environment when you're inherently against hustle culture and all it stands for.

How does a multi-passionate creator who wants to do it all answer that call?

When there’s so much pressure to pick one thing yet you don’t want to limit yourself that feels like an impossible question. Yet the daunting message of “unless you choose you’ll never be successful” and “you have a short timeline to accomplish music when you’re young and you can do other things later” is hanging over your head, it can feel like you’re losing your mind.

Not only that but there’s an extreme amount of judgment and disrespect for anyone who doesn’t choose just one path. I've experienced this not just in the music industry but a ton in the small business world and the blogging world as well.

But one path, oof, that sounds suffocating to me. For years I’ve been trying to shove myself into one box, on one path with one goal and it’s just not working.

So here is the realization I came to last night, laying in the 3 am dark, willing my sweet, sweet husband to roll over and stop snoring.

My life is not supposed to be defined by one specific path. If it was I’d be boxing God in and limiting what He allows me to do. I have been searching for so long and trying to draw individual paths and make those work instead of looking down and following the path my feet were already on.

I’ve been told time and time again, even preaching it myself, believing that I must niche down & define my audience.

What if instead I let God draw the people in that needed to hear certain messages at certain times?

What if I stopped trying so hard to define myself & instead stood in the truth of who God says I am?

What if I lived out my purpose to spread truth and allowed that to speak for itself?

What if I’m not supposed to just be a “musician” or a “writer” or a “coach” or a “mom”?

What if God wants to use each of those gifts and weave them into my path?

What if I stopped trying so desperately to make one of these my identity & let myself live in the freedom that my identity is solely rooted in Christ?

How much more of an impact would my life have?

How much more freedom would I experience?

How much more am I missing out on by allowing myself to get entangled in making my career my identity and my identity my career?

I was made for more than that.

Jesus died for more than that.

I can live day to day on a project by project basis.

I do not have to choose one thing, one message or one path.

How much more?

How much more are we limiting ourselves to experiencing because we put ourselves into these little boxes?

How much more are we missing out on from God because we tell Him to work within the perimeters we’ve set for our life based on what we think we want? Only we get it and we still aren’t fulfilled.

God created me to be multi-passionate. Why wouldn’t he utilize me in all of those areas? How much more?

More than we can ask or imagine, that’s what.

I'm not really sure what this message exactly means for me. I'm trying not to turn around and box it up because that would be incredibly hypocritical and taking a step backwards. So I don't really have a takeaway except that I encourage you to note this...

If you have something specific you are extremely passionate about and that's all you want to talk about, awesome.

If you don't have something specific and you like to talk about all of your favorite things and utilize all of your passions, go for it.

I think niches and audiences have their time and place and they work for some people. But what I've realized is that just because something is a popular business practice doesn't mean that it's going to work for everyone or that it's the best choice for every business. I still have posts on niching down and if you feel like that's the best way for you to start something or focus, go check them out and you just get started. But listen to your intuition and don't just do something for the sake of “consistency” or because every blogger says you “have to do it” or even because I encourage you to do something. Listen to your intuition and tune into what your calling is and what you're supposed to be doing.

I'm here, just floating down my path and taking things day by day. Let me know if you need me.

xoxo – Ry

Buckle up ya'll because I've had this one in me for awhile.

Let's talk about cancel culture.

Those words actually make my blood boil.

I can remember the first time I ever heard someone say “they're so canceled”. My first thought was.. “that's funny, what happened to agreeing to disagree? Surely that won't stick around.. right?”. Wrong.

Canceling people, concepts, places and things is now not only popular but it's become an entire culture- a way of thinking.

Cancel culture is not a left or a right thing, everyone does it, but that doesn't make it okay.

We are caught in this idea that if you don't agree with the mainstream narrative or even someone's personal OPINION, you are not a good human and you should be “canceled”.

Erased. Thrown away. Disregarded. Shunned. Killed off.

It's a dangerous way of thinking because we not only lack the respect for the decency of human life and the right to form and hold opinions, but it leaves little to no room to evolve and change.

It leaves no room for debating and uncovering truth.

Our major news outlets and social media platforms are some of the worst offenders. The blatant censorship and belief that they have the authority to decide what is “misinformation” and cancel anybody who speaks out against that is mind blowing. There are political agendas behind what they decide to fact check and especially in this last year it has become glaringly obvious. They only censor and “cancel” things and people that pose a threat to their agenda and those who agree with them do so because that agenda works for them and the narrative they want to believe.

Cancel culture says “this is how it is, get on board or get out”.

Cancel culture says “if you vote for this person, you're __________”.

Cancel culture says “if you do x, y or z you don't deserve rights”.

Cancel culture says “if you don't agree with me, you are automatically x, y or z”.

We have lost all respect for human life, human choice and ultimately human rights- in the name of fighting for it.

We've become selfish and in some ways, impossible to deal with.

What happened to civil discourse and trying to reach an understanding to better ourselves and the world?

What happened to listening?

What happened to respecting human life?

Here's the deal. There will always be more than one side to a story and there will always be someone who thinks they're right, but just because you think you're right, doesn't mean you are. You cannot possibly see the full picture in every story and so jumping to conclusions and judgments about people and places and things based on a tiny bit of information you've gained, even if it is a good source, does not mean that your opinion is then the be-all, end-all.

For example, right now the movie “Cuties” on Netflix is a prime example of cancel culture. Rebecca covered this in her post a few days ago but I've had a lot of thoughts on it. A lot of people are trying to cancel Netflix because they have the movie on their platform. I personally believe the movie is straight up child exploitation, it is more than peppered with pedophilia and it's wrong. I believe that there are far better ways to shine a light on child sexualization and healing trauma than by re-creating it. It didn't need to happen and I do believe the movie shouldn't be available. For that reason I will not be watching it and I will continue to speak up about child trafficking, abuse, hyper-sexualization and the demand for exploitation of children due to the porn industry. But am I going to go and cancel my Netflix subscription and call for everyone to “cancel Netflix” otherwise they're a pedophile or in support of pedophilia? Absolutely not. Those things are not synonymous.

What good does Netflix do?

It tells them that we don't support the movie. Ok. That doesn't mean they're going to take it down and even if it did, something else will pop up. There is plenty of exploitation and abuse in movies and shows on Netflix that we aren't currently screaming about.

It tells them that there can be no redemption and that our love is conditional.

It tells them that we're going to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

It tells them that we don't support anything they do, any of the incredible artists that have put out masterpieces and the truth that is available on the platform.

Christians I'm going to talk to you specifically right now because that's who I have authority to talk to because as believers we can only hold ourselves to this specific standard. But if you aren't a Christian I encourage you to hear what I have to say and find some solace in the actual Gospel and not what you've been seeing from a lot of people who claim to be Christians or screaming in the name of Jesus.

Jesus didn't cancel people.

He didn't come to cancel people.

He could've come to cancel people but He didn't.

I don't do the whole WWJD thing, but this is the actual GOSPEL.

Jesus came to save the lost.

Jesus came to display sacrificial love.

Jesus died so we WOULDN'T be canceled.

(John 10:10 & 11:25)

So where in the world do we think that we can “cancel” people in His name?

Would he partake in the exploitation of children? No.

Would he speak out against the exploitation of children? Absolutely.

Jesus has the utmost authority and ability to judge and cancel anyone He would want to. But He didn't.

So why do we think we can?

Our responsibility lies in our actions, in what we consume and how we treat people. (Romans 14:12)

God says vengeance is His. (Romans 12:19)

We cannot simply cancel something because it goes against scripture. We can choose not to partake in it but who are we to hold the world to biblical standards?

When we are facing something that is directly harming God's children and people we can fight for and care for them and we should, but canceling an entire group of people and doing so in such an utterly hateful way is by no means what we should be doing. Our punishment and judgment can not even begin to hold up.

For the women who are saying “no, don't cancel the movie, that's me, I need to know my experience is seen” we need to be empathetic to that and love on THEM. We need to be conscious and aware and be intentional about letting them know that what happened to them is not okay and that there can be healing. We need to be working at the root. Our positions are rooted deeply in our experiences and often times our trauma. So we MUST be sensitive. We don't fight to the death (canceling) because we have nothing better to do- it's because we are rooted and emotionally attached to whatever we're fighting for. You don't fight for something that you don't wholeheartedly believe in. So when we say “canceled” it's telling that person that they don't matter and that their experiences don't matter and that they just need to “get over it”. Sure we should set a better standard for how we go about working through these things, for example with Cuties, the sexual exploitation of those child actors, it didn't need to happen, there are other ways. But simply turning a blind eye to the bigger issue and screaming “canceled” doesn't get us anywhere.

Stop jumping to conclusions.

Stop making judgment calls based on assumptions.

Stop living in a bubble, there is a world of experience that you don't have and stories that aren't yours to tell, but yours to listen to.

Stop “canceling” people because you don't agree with them.

Stop “canceling” things because you don't like them.

We all need to grow up and learn to respect one another, live with the choices that others make and focus on doing what we're called to do in our lives.

Love your neighbor.

Respect your neighbor.

Treat your neighbor the way you would want to be treated.

Stand up for the exploited and fight for justice but not at the expense of intentionally attacking and tearing others down. You can do the first without the second, I promise it's possible.

Maybe it's hypocritical of me to make a post about canceling cancel culture but I really do think we can do better. I think we can shift our culture back to having honest and respectful conversations. I believe that we can be loving and agree to disagree. I believe that we can choose to go our separate ways without bashing and being horrible to one another. I believe that we can choose to get along with people who we don't agree with on every little thing. It is your prerogative who you surround yourself and spend time with but learn to walk away instead of running away screaming about how terrible a person is because their belief system differs from yours.

We can do this, I believe in us.

xoxo – Ry

Mental health matters. Right? I think most of us could agree with that statement. We really are trying to break the stigma and I think that overall we're moving as a society in the right direction.

But what about when it comes to your relationship? Your marriage, your partnership- whatever it is. You obviously care about your s.o., you claim to care about their mental health but what comes first, your mental health or theirs?

I'm going to be very upfront and preface with the fact that this is something that Dustin and I have been working through the last few months. As an outspoken woman and as someone with very distinct mental health issues I've been far more hands on and vocal about my issues and my need for help. The last two years Dustin has been amazing about helping me work through those issues and supporting me in the best way he can. I'll even talk about the ways he's supported me later on in this post, but what I didn't realize until he finally broke down and vocalized it to me was that he's always there for me with my mental health but I haven't been the most supportive of his. Mine has always taken precedence and I've been selfish in not checking in with him and making sure that he's okay.

I obviously feel awful about this because I not only care so deeply about mental health but I obviously care very deeply for my husband and his well being. I want him to feel just as supported as I do.

Dealing with mental health in a relationship can be tricky. When you're both breaking down and need support, who sacrifices? Who takes the back burner? If you are conscious that your s.o. is struggling it seems pretty selfish to say “put your emotions aside and help me” and it gets pretty messy when you both are affecting each other negatively and you both need to reform your attitude or behavior to fix the overarching problem. Once you're in the thick of things it either takes someone sacrificing or it takes you both separating, working through issues, then coming back and maybe confronting them or in most cases, ignoring them until it comes back up again and the cycle continues.

From a Biblical perspective you're supposed to love your spouse like Jesus loved the church and die to yourself (Ephesians 5:25). This can be very difficult, almost impossible because we're naturally very selfish beings. We want what we want and especially when it comes to mental health support we feel entitled to be the ones who are taken care of. But when you're in a relationship there has to be some give and take. You both need to be taken care of in order for things to function properly. You don't want to get caught in the cycle of one person always caring for the other and never having any “happy/peaceful” times and you don't want to get caught in the cycle of avoiding problems and having blow ups either.

I remember one of our worst fights, it was a few weeks after we got married and we were trying to figure out how to live together. For the most part we had adjusted well because we had spent practically every waking minute together and then some, from the time we started dating nine months earlier. One night Dustin was playing Xbox with a few of his friends after a long day of work and I decided to leave the dishes in the sink for him to do because I was tired of doing them. I was exhausted and went to bed and if you've ever lived with a man who games you know that one does not simply game quietly or think of their sleeping wife. I didn't initially have a problem with him gaming because he hadn't done it in a long time but after a few hours of trying to go to sleep and getting woken up by him screaming at the top of his lungs I got up.. seeing red. I stormed out there pretty positive that he would feel terrible and come to bed with me. Instead I saw the sink full of dishes that still weren't done, open food containers that he had obviously gotten into and left out and he was yelling at the tv. At 2 in the morning I was not having it and I proceeded to stand in front of him with my arms crossed just waiting to get his attention. Once his headphones were off all hell broke loose and I was screaming at him for waking me up, having zero consideration, not doing the dishes like he was asked to and I probably threw in some other grievances. He of course defended himself and got upset because he was just trying to destress and relax.

Here's the facts behind what you're not seeing:

Before we got married Dustin would play Xbox almost every night with his friends. It was his way of de-stressing and letting all of his issues go. The way he cared for his mental health was highly dependent on allowing himself to not think about everything all the time. He needed alone time and time to just do nothing and if he didn't get it he would get very anxious and depressed and feel like he was trapped. Understandably so.

I on the other hand required lots of affirmation, time spent together and intentional 1:1 time. I needed to know that after he was gone all day that I was still loved and cared for and at the time, when he didn't want to spend every waking moment with me, I took that as rejection and my anxiety would spin out of control. Not a super healthy way of looking at things because my worth was very much rooted in what he thought of me, but as a young wife trying to figure things out it made sense that I felt that way.

That night ended very badly to say the least with neither of us getting what we needed or what we wanted.

The root of the issue was miscommunication but it was followed up with a lack of respect for what the other person needed.

I needed a little bit of time spent with him before he played and a lowered voice so I could sleep.

He needed the ability to game with his friends without me berating him for doing something that would help him relax and reset.

We both selfishly put our own needs above one another and it ended up in a massive fight. Instead if we had both humbled ourselves and served the other person, we would've both ended up with what we needed and we would've gone to bed peacefully.

The truth is that your mental health matters just as much as your s.o.'s mental health. You both need to be conscious about caring for yourselves and for the other. What does this look like to practically die to yourself, while also caring for yourself and being intentional with your person?

You need to have open communication.

You have got to start by having open communication and build that trust between you and your partner. You need to tell them the things that you struggle with, your triggers and what you need them to do in those situations. When they actually do them then you need to follow through with what you agree to do. Openly communicating about your feelings, what you're struggling with and the best way to support you will not only help strengthen that relationship but it will help you to consciously catch things before they spin out of control. And yes, you need to TELL them. They can't read your mind and they shouldn't have to. Your cues aren't enough and it's unfair to treat them badly for not just “knowing”.

You need to set boundaries.

Relationships, even marriages, without boundaries can quickly become toxic. You have to be open about what you need and when. If you know that you need alone time to function, you need to communicate that and let your s.o. know when you need to take that time. Maybe you give them a code word or activity so they know when you say “I'm going to take a bath” it means, please don't argue with me I'm going to take a bath and I need you to do whatever needs to be done and let me take a minute. Or if you need to just have a moment to wallow and deal with your emotions when you say “let me be” it means do not try to “fix” me or problem solve the situation, just leave me be, comfort me, be close and let me cry it out. On the flip side, when your partner sets a boundary, respect it. The more you push them the worse it's going to make things. You're not entitled to making them feel better, fixing them or even being around them 24/7. Now I will note that if this is becoming a constant thing and your partner never seems to want you around and they're avoiding you and things aren't getting better or your partner isn't putting in the effort to work on themselves or communicate you need to have a serious conversation. It may even be time to involve a couples counselor or a therapist to help work through individual and relational issues.

You need to be open to the work.

One of the biggest lies in the mental health world is that you're good to just stay right where you're at. If you're depressed, be depressed. If you're anxious, be anxious. And although you should be allowed to feel exactly what you're feeling that doesn't mean you shouldn't have to work to get to a better place. Not just for you but for the people around you. You need to be willing to hear constructive criticism from your significant other. This, in a healthy relationship, will usually come out of a place of deep concern and love. Even when it's hard you need to be willing to hear what they have to say and be open to the work that needs to be done to get yourself and your relationship to a better place.

You need to work by yourself.

That work that needs to be done, whether it's with a counselor or by journaling or eating better and working out to get your chemicals and hormones balanced, it's got to start with you. If you root that work in your partner you're going to become so co-dependent and that can have harmful long lasting effects on your partner. It's not that they can't support you, I'll get to that, but if you're not doing the work yourself the second that they start to fall apart and need support you're going to have a hard time and may start to find yourself crumbling. Build your house on a firm foundation- your partner is not a foundation, they're your partner.

You also need to work together.

Just as much as you need to work by yourself on yourself, you need to work with your partner. Let them know what you need from them and how they can best support you and encourage you. This is a two way street and by letting them know that you care enough about yourself and them to work on yourself, you want to work with them as well to strengthen your relationship. This will give them the confidence to let you know how they need support as well. This can look like setting a goal and working on it together. If you know that you need to eat a healthier diet or get up at the same time everyday or drink more water to feel better, ask your partner if that's something they could do with you to hold you accountable and make you feel like you're not alone.

Show up for your partner.

You need to be conscious and intuitive. You know your partner better than anyone else, tune into their emotions. Don't just let things slide by because you're also having a bad day. If they seem off do what you need to do to support them. Ask them how they're doing and get to the real answer, give them space if that's what they usually need, hold off on telling them all of the things if you think that may overwhelm them. Show up and be supportive, even if it's inconveniencing you and your plans. I know it's hard, this is something I struggle with a lot but I never want my husband to feel like his emotions and feelings aren't just as important as mine and even worse, less important than my plans and desires. My time will come as we both die to self and I have to trust that God will fulfill my desires. In fact in the times that I do give him what he needs in that moment I often find that what I wanted still happens where it wouldn't if I had ignored his needs and done what I wanted when I wanted it. It takes self control and empathy but it's always worth it, even when I don't end up getting what I want. That's unconditional love and it's hard but it's an incredible experience.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

I encourage you to evaluate how mental health plays into your marriage or your relationship. Do you feel supported? Do you think your partner feels supported? Have a conversation with them and talk about how you both can better support each other.

It's well worth it.

xoxo – Ry