I wrote an article yesterday about the great “what if?”, and the “almosts” that we face in our life. One thing that stood out to me as I was writing and to a few of you who read, was a point I stumbled across about the fact that we allow people who don't truly matter to us anymore continue to occupy our brain space.

When I moved from Michigan to Tennessee I found myself checking up on Michigan friends, and non-friends, a lot. I guess I felt like if I continued to follow them that I wouldn't lose that part of myself. But then it kind of got obsessive. I started checking on their profiles a lot, watching their stories religiously and worrying about what I was missing out on. I was still attached to people who hadn't bothered to talk to me in months, let alone say goodbye when I moved. Some were even friendships that had ended on bad notes long before I left. It was toxic. I cared far too much about what they thought and trying to make my life look amazing on social media was exhausting.

I mean, I was supposed to be the girl who set off and moved across the country at 18 to pursue my dreams. I was supposed to be killing it! But my life was mundane and I struggled a lot.

I was so wrapped up in what they thought about me that I couldn't live my life joyfully.

But social media was only one piece of the puzzle.

When I moved I still hadn't let go of a few specific people that I really needed to let go of. I'm not saying that I needed to leave everyone from Michigan behind, but there were a few people who I still communicated regularly with and told them everything that really didn't need to know everything.

One of those was a kind-of relationship. Ya know, when it's right on the edge, sparks are flying, but you can't really do anything about it? The first few weeks I was in Nashville I was still talking to a guy I had really liked in High School. We were both into each other but the timing just never really lined up and it was complicated. He kept me company via FaceTime and text for weeks and I KNEW I needed to get rid of him for many reasons, but I had a really hard time doing such. Until Dustin came along, then I ✌🏻out real quick.

The other ones were toxic friendships that I had been in for a few years. They were people who didn't have my best interest at heart and basically only talked to me to keep my information in the gossip circle. And this is the example I want to focus on because I want to give you a few tips about how to recognize toxic friendships, remove yourself from them and then let them go entirely. I for some reason attract a lot of toxic people to my life and so I've done my fair share of this... I'm not sure what that says about me. 😅

Recognizing Toxic Friendships/Relationships

1. How do I feel after I spend time with this person? Am I refreshed and energized or do I feel drained, used, or less then?

2. Is there effort going into the relationship from both sides? Am I always initiating, planning & providing?

3. How does this relationship better me as a person?

4. Am I living to please this person?

5. Do I care if they don’t interact with me on social media?

6. How do I feel when I see this person spending time with other people?

7. Do I trust this person to follow through or keep a secret?

8. How do you spend time with this person? Is a majority of it gossiping? Are they talking about you to other people?

9. Does this person try to make me feel jealous or get extremely jealous themselves?

10. Do my other friends, family or partner enjoy spending time with this person? Do they like spending time with me after I’ve been with this person?

11. Does this person respect my boundaries and my time?

12. Does this person gaslight me? Example: Does this person make me question my own memory or perception? Do they turn situations back on me when I am hurt? Do they lower my self esteem and make me feel bad for things I haven’t done or blow things I have done out of proportion? Do I ever feel manipulated? Am I the one always apologizing even if I start the conversation?

If you’re answering most of these questions with “no” or another negative connotation, you’re probably in a toxic friendship. Sometimes it can be hard to see that someone is toxic, but you really need to tap into your emotions and your instincts. You will know deep down if someone is not good for you and as hard as it seems to remove yourself from it, it’s a vital piece of the process. Now obviously this can go down a few different ways and is dependent on the situation, but I will give a few examples below. Please note, if you are in a physically or mentally abusive relationship, you need to get help. Get family members or other trusted friends or the authorities involved. Remove yourself quickly and get to a safe place. Your life is valuable and you deserve to be safe and be treated with kindness and respect. Let’s dive into three methods that would allow you to remove yourself from a toxic situation.

Removing Yourself From the Situation

1. Phase Out - This method may seem a bit self explanatory but I’ll dig in a bit. Sometimes you don’t need to make a whole scene, you don’t need to tell someone you’re not going to be friends anymore, you don’t need the long, drawn out, dramatic conversation. Sometimes the best thing to do, if you know you’re really done, is to phase yourself out. If you have other friends that you both hang out with, maybe start to hang out with individuals 1:1. Choose who you invite to gatherings and don’t feel pressured to invite this person if it’s not going to be good for you. Maybe don’t block them on social media, but just unfollow or unfriend them. Or simply mute their posts if you feel like that’s the best step for now, you can always take further action if need be. Do not reach out or make contact. You are not obligated to keep them in the loop and they’re not entitled to your life. It’s going to be okay, even if it’s uncomfortable at first. Slowly start phasing them out of each place in your life until you are either at a healthy distance, or until you’re completely disconnected. Again, this doesn’t have to be dramatic or a big deal. If at all possible, keep other people, especially mutual friends out of it. Nobody needs to know, keep your business, your business.

2. Confrontation - This method makes me cringe as it’s truly my least favorite, but sometimes it’s necessary. Sometimes you have that life long friend, a co-worker, a parent, a sibling, etc, basically anyone that you can’t really cut off completely. That being said, if it’s an abusive situation or you’ve tried confrontation & reconciliation multiple times and it’s not happening, skip to the next method of cutting someone off completely. Sometimes it’s just not worth it. Anyways, if you have someone that you’d like to keep in your life, you need to confront them. The longer you keep holding onto the wounds that they’ve given you or allow them to walk all over you, the worse it’s going to get. You have a responsibility to yourself to protect not only your mental health, but your other relationships! Sit down in a public place, if they are a manipulative person, with an unbiased mediator, and confront them on their behavior. Avoid accusations and “you always” statements. Rather, explain to them how a certain behavior makes you feel and how it’s effecting you. Explain that you’d like to maintain your friendship but if you don’t start feeling x, y and z, that it’s not going to work. Explain and set clear boundaries and don’t fold on those. Be open and receptive to hear what they have to say. If they seem genuinely apologetic, give them a chance to prove it with action- do not settle for words- I’m talking to you people pleasers! If they get defensive or try to turn it back on you “well I only do X because you do Y!”, you need to cut them off. That is toxic and they’re not showing signs of being a good friend. In this case, turn to the “Phase Out” or “Total Cut Off” method, to remove yourself from the scenario.

3. Total Cut Off - This method is the easiest and the hardest in my personal opinion. Cutting someone off cold turkey, especially someone you’ve emotionally relied on at any point can be incredibly difficult, but it’s necessary. In the case of an abusive situation or a friend who refuses to make it better, you owe it to yourself to cut them off completely. I’m talking zero hangouts, block their number, block them on social media, the whole nine yards. We’ll talk about this more below, but you do not need to have it in your head that they can see your posts but you cannot see yours. It’s not healthy. Or vice versa. You don’t need to be keeping up with or stalking your ex or your ex-friend. It’s not healthy and it will just drag on the healing process! Cutting someone off completely means no more plans, no more parties, no more gatherings, nothing. This is obviously a very harsh and difficult method, so use it sparingly. But in my opinion, out of sight out of mind, at least after a few months.

Letting It All Go

Now that you’ve cut said person off, phased them out or confronted them, it’s time to do some personal healing. In the case that you confronted them and it went well, great! Keep your eye on it to make sure it doesn’t go back to how it was, if it does, that’s the start of a toxic cycle that you need to cut off asap. If it did go well, I encourage you to “mute” the person on social media for a week or so to avoid dwelling on what happened. You need to let go of the things that you were upset about if you truly want your friendship to heal. You can still remember them and keep them in the back of your mind in case it happens again, but to forgive, you need to at least archive that experience.

In the case that you’ve phased someone out or cut them off completely, you need to do some deep healing. I’m not a huge fan of journaling right this second, but anytime I’ve gone through a breakup of any kind, friendship included, I journaled or would take to writing music. Whatever you need to do to get your thoughts out of your head will help. The point is to communicate, release and move forward. You never have to forget, but you cannot dwell on it if you want to move forward. If you went the cut off method without any explanation, writing a letter that you burn or shred is a great way to communicate everything you want to say without actually saying it. If you’re really not a writer, a voice memo, a good cry, a massage, therapy session or acupuncture will also do the trick to release the tension in your body.

Remember that it’s going to take time to release and move forward, but the less you focus on that person, the better. Don’t ask your friends how they’re doing. Don’t allow them any space in your mind- they don’t deserve it. Their life is no longer your concern. Change up your routines if you know you have the same routine they do- i.e. same grocery shop, yoga studio, coffee shop, etc. Sometimes we will specifically or subconsciously go somewhere to sneak a peek or try and show off how well we’re doing, but it’s not worth it. You’re going to leave feeling like crap or throwing yourself back into a spiral. Like I said, out of sight, out of mind.

You deserve so much more than a toxic friendship, whether you think you do or not. If you don’t think so, I highly encourage that you do some soul searching and work on loving yourself and recognizing your value. I also recommend a therapist or counselor, it really does help. Working toward a better you sometimes means letting go of “security” people, but little do you know, they’re actually holding you back from becoming who you’re supposed to be.

Much love, xoxo – Ry

And for my lovely Coil subscribers, let’s end on a good note... If you don’t have a subscription, you must jump on that, SO worth it.

10 Signs You’re In A Healthy Relationship

(for all my self-destructive people)

You’re starting to feel burnt out, your content list has been all used up and you’re digging in the bottom of the bag, desperate for a Mary Poppins moment where you’d pull out an umbrella and all the magic would come raining down.

https://media.giphy.com/media/jx3VWe9xhX6Y8/giphy.gif

Ya, that’s not happening. And the longer you sit and think, the faster your brain seems to empty itself out. I’ve been there, in fact this post was established out of one of those exact moments. Sometimes you dry up and you need a burst of inspiration and fresh energy, it happens to the best of us. But how do you accomplish that? I’m not sure if my methods will work for everyone, but let me share with you the three places I go when I need ideas!

To preface, keep in mind that very few, if any ideas nowadays, are original. In fact, ideas are really more like building blocks. They don’t appear out of midair, but when you form one concept that you have, with another concept someone else had and you stack them on top of each other, you suddenly have a new looking figure that resembles your idea. That will then be taken and remolded by someone else. But that’s the beauty of the internet, right? It’s free and open for anyone and everyone to poach from— well, until Coil came along. But that’s a conversation most of you aren’t ready to have. 😉

So without further ado, this is what Riley Q does when she’s all talked out. (Yes, it's possible and does happen. 😅)

Your Own Content

Before I go anywhere else, I stop by my own content, my own pages. I’ll swing by Instagram, Facebook, Coil, Twitter, etc. I’ll see what I’ve already talked about recently, because let’s be honest, sometimes we get an idea and we get really excited, only to realize we already covered that topic.. last month. Yup. That happened today. Stopping by your content is a good way to make sure that you don’t repeat yourself and to also ask yourself…

- What topics have I introduced recently that I could expand on?

- What main content pillars does my brand revolve around? Which of those topics have I been avoiding or slacking on lately?

- Are there any sub topics that have been on my mind lately that I could start something with?

- Have I exhausted my ideas and resources, is it time to add a new topic to the rotation?

If by the end of that line of questioning you’ve still got nothing, it’s time to move on to….

Entertainment

(Books, Music, Movies, TV Shows, Radio)

I honestly couldn’t tell you if anyone even listens to the radio anymore, or if it even exists, but I thought I’d throw it on the list. Don’t come for me, I’m Gen Z, at least I KNOW what the radio is. And yes, I know about and have used cassettes, VHS, records, the whole shebang. Anyways, whenever I am absolutely stumped, I turn to entertainment. There is so much to learn, observe and be inspired by with entertainment. Whether it’s a hot and pressing topic, a social issue, or simply something magical that inspires you- I bet you there is something out there.

One thing I was taught to do when I got stumped in songwriting is to put on a movie or tv show. Be sure to not get involved to deeply into the show, but rather listen to the topics characters discuss or the words they use. As you go, write down words/concepts that intrigue you. This one works for me almost every time. By the time I’m 10-15 minutes in, I usually have a few great content ideas. And remember, they should revolve around your core pillars of your brand, but even if they don’t naturally, you can find a way to work them in. That’s the beauty of building a new idea and putting your own spin on something. This being said, be VERY careful that you do not infringe on another artist or creator's work. You’re not looking to copy, rather you’re looking for INSPIRATION. Walk this line very carefully and if you don’t trust yourself, maybe don’t choose this route.

You can repeat the same concept by listening to music, reading a book or watching YouTube or better yet, Cinnamon. Anything to get those creative juices flowing!

And finally, if none of that works, I turn to…

Conversations

Sometimes as creatives we get in our own heads too much. We bury ourselves so deeply in our thoughts that we become glaringly unaware of what is going on around us and the magic that exists. We also can tend to get so wrapped up that we forget to seek feedback and other opinions. If you’re ever feeling stuck I highly recommend striking up a conversation with a friend about literally anything and just listen. Listen and see what naturally comes up. You may be surprised at what you want to write about/film after the conversation. Obviously don’t go spilling the tea on your friends, but take note of the concepts and ideas that come up in conversation. I also recommend asking for feedback on your latest work. If you don’t have anyone to specifically ask, go look! Which posts are doing well, which ones aren’t? Obviously Coil doesn’t have analytics right now, but if you post consistently and share consistently on Twitter, around the same time, at a time that has proven to be good for you, you can easily judge this. It may not always be 100% accurate, but you can get an idea of what content is doing well and what content you either need to improve on or stop sharing altogether. When you step outside of yourself and see things from another perspective, you can start to gain insight on how you can continue to evolve and grow as a creator.

I hope that this article was helpful and that if you’re facing writer's block or burn out, that you can get unstuck.

Let me know if any of these methods work for you, the way they’ve worked for me!

xoxo – Ry

And as always my Coil friends, here is an extra tip that I saved just for you.. 😘

Excuses are my BIGGEST pet peeve.

It all started with my piano teacher and the fact that I was notorious for giving excuses as to why I didn't do what I was asked. Manipulative in nature, I often found excuses to wiggle my way out of a tight spot that I had wiggled myself right into. I would sit down to play the piece he had given me to work on, which I usually hadn't, and I would flop. He knew I was more talented than that and he knew I was being lazy- he was totally right. But every week I found an excuse to give him or a sob story, occasionally accompanied by real tears thanks to teenage hormones giving me the ability to cry on cue. But eventually, or maybe immediately, he saw right through me as he had 2 teenage girls himself. Eventually he stopped simply rolling his eyes and re-teaching me that weeks piece. Nope, instead he told me to either get serious, or we were done. He also said this, which I will never forget...

“Don't tell me why you didn't do something, spend that time doing it.”

That statement, whether he remembers he said it or not has stuck with me for a long time and is the reason I can't stand excuses now. He is a lovely man, truly loved me well and taught me for years, even with my less-than-ideal habits of being late and unprepared. He taught me many lessons, but when I learned to respect them, that's when I truly started embracing them. He has never stopped encouraging me and even though I may not have been his most talented student, he believed in me. He showed up for me, even when I wouldn't show up for myself.

He taught me that in the amount of time it takes you to concoct and explain an excuse, you could've just done the task in the first place and moved onto bigger and better things. He even went as far as to help me learn how to overcome the mind blocks that would hold me down and prompt me to skip a task and come up with an excuse.

Since then, I've grown up a lot and I've learned to despise excuses. They're truly pitiful and downright annoying. Now don't get me wrong, I totally understand life, and I have so much grace for things just not happening sometimes. But there's a major difference between life being hard and not making an effort at all.

Looking back on my life, I clearly remember and have fond memories of the people who have shown up for me wholeheartedly. The ones who didn't allow me to half-ass my life. The ones who encouraged me, taught me, and empowered me to do more than I even believed I could. Because what I didn't know at the time, but they did, was that one day someone wouldn't show up for me and I would have to do it all by myself. I would have to motivate myself. I would have to show up and say “do the damn thing”.

I appreciate that, more than anything and I wish I could go back to 14 year old Riley and tell her to appreciate it too. I wish I could tell her that the beauty of learning to show up for herself would pay off in ways that she didn't even know. That she didn't need anyone to tell her that she was good enough, that she would critique herself enough but that she would also learn to lift herself up and that it would be a beautiful journey.

Those people left such an impact on me that I am very hyper-aware of the people that I surround myself with. Not just so that they can be of encouragement to me, but so that I can play that same role in someone else's life. That one day I can teach someone how to show up for themselves and that they don't need anyone else's approval. That they don't have to come up with excuses about why they didn't do something, that they could do it without the fear of doing it perfectly and still be amazing.

Showing up for yourself is hard and showing up for others is hard, but it's truly one of the best feelings when you can make an impact on someone else. There is no better gift you can give someone then uplifting and encouraging them in a way that empowers them to own their identity and their gifts and passions.

I encourage you this weekend, spend some time thinking about how you have or haven't shown up for yourself. Think about those around you who you know need someone in their corner. How could you wiggle them into your schedule so that you can show up for them?

Just think about it,

xoxo – Ry

Oh before I forget, what does showing up look like?

1. I'll give you a freebie, one way that you can show up is by supporting your friends and family. Know someone that writes on Coil, but you haven't taken the leap of paying $5 a month flat to support them as well as the rest of the creators on this platform? Sometimes investing in someone, even just a little bit, can go a long, long way. I highly encourage you to grab your subscription today. Plus then you can read the rest of this article. 😘

There is something out there, something that many people struggle with, but it can be hard to identify. It shows up differently in each person, usually in ways that we despise. We blame it on character flaws, but really, it should be the other way around.

It's a rude retort at work, when you've asked too many questions they don't know the answers to.

It's binge eating and drinking, you may judge them as having an addiction, but really it's so much deeper than that.

It's not hearing from someone for weeks, then they're excited to make plans, but then they don't show.

It's always taking your car, or going to your house, because they'd be too embarrassed if you really knew how they were living.

It's excuses and unclear answers.

Sound familiar?

These are all ways that someone can exhibit signs of

We often think of depression as someone who is always mopey, distant, addicted to drugs, or who outwardly talks about suicidal thoughts and actions. But really, there is so much more to depression.

According to this study in 2005, depression effects over 18 million adults in AMERICA every year. This means that 1 in 10 people struggle with depression. And that study was done in 2005, before the social media boom. I would go out on a limb to say that we probably are at a much higher number now than we were back then. According to the WHO in 2017, worldwide, depression effects over 300 million people.

That's a lot of people ya'll! That's a lot of people struggling- most of them silently.

Sometimes it takes awhile for you to even realize you have depression.

I know that in my case, it took me awhile to figure it out. It really started emerging in High School, although I definitely dealt with it in middle school too. Sometimes I had zero motivation or energy to do anything. I would rather lay in my bed and watch Netflix all day than do anything. Which would be unusual for me because generally I am very driven. Sometimes I would get really excited to hang out with friends, but then I'd get there and set in the middle of the party and I would be extremely sad. It got to the point where I wasn't invited to things anymore because no one wants a sad girl at their party. I was often told that I just needed to “cheer up” or “look at the bright side” and “just choose not to be sad”. People thought I simply had a bad attitude or that I was being dramatic or wanting attention. I heard these things so many times I just started to believe them. It wasn't until I was older that I realized the chemical imbalance in my body was working against me and that I was actually struggling with depression.

This isn't a “how to fix depression” post, because truly I don't know the answer to that. I think solutions are different for everyone and I also believe that it never truly goes away. I think that you can manage it, for me that's with less caffeine, eating clean, moving daily and taking supplements to boost my brain and body. For others it's integrating medication and therapy or sometimes a combo of all of the above.

Rather, this post is for awareness, for those of you don't struggle with depression or don't know if you do.

I think that there's a misconception that depression is easy to spot and that if someone has it, they just need to go to therapy, get on meds and “be better”. But that's just not that easy and for those of you who don't struggle with it, or manage it very well, you need to have grace for those who are having a hard time. You also need to be aware of the various ways that depression truly can hide in plain sight.

So the next time that co-worker gets their work in late again, rather than getting angry at them, maybe ask them how they're doing? If there's anything you can do to give them extra support or help? Be human, have a conversation with them.

If you notice your life partner has been out of it and maybe a little bit more messy than usual, rather than getting angry at them, try to dig a little deeper and see if there's a bigger problem underneath the surface that needs to be dealt with.

See where I'm going with this? With depression, not everything is always as it seems to be.

I think the best thing that you can do for someone who is struggling with depression is to simply listen. Don't just expect them to go to therapy, because therapy really isn't for everyone. You can encourage them to try it, but sometimes you just need to know that someone is there for you. Now I do believe that those who struggle with depression need to have someone to talk to, that isn't their spouse or best friend, because if you're constantly going to someone in a negative space/mindset, you're eventually going to push them away. You're not necessarily a burden, but it's something you should be conscious of to maintain the health of that relationship, and that's where a therapist or counselor can come in handy! Now back to those helping, I think that the best thing you can do is show up and listen. Be such a good listener that the person barely knows you're there. When someone who has depression comes to you to talk, the last thing you want to do is start peppering them with your experiences and your advice and your solutions. That doesn't help. In fact, it overwhelms our brains and can make us feel like we aren't good enough and just need to be “fixed”.

So listen, listen well, and try to be helpful where you can be. Ask them how they need help and how you could hold space for them. Maybe this means unloading the dishwasher, inviting them to lunch, or simply having a casual night in without any pressure.

For those of you dealing with depression, try to have grace for your friends and family, sometimes they're just insensitive and don't get it. If you feel like you can, speak up and let someone know that you're struggling. Or share this article with them and let them know that you just need a little bit of extra support right now.

Depression is a life-long journey of ups and downs, but you can do this. ❤️

xoxo – Ry

And for my lovely Coil friends, a few ways I've dealt with my depression...