Hey friends!

I didn't think this song was EVER going to come out, but here it is. I'm utterly terrified because it's the most vulnerable song I have ever written, let alone released, in my life.

It is mental health awareness month and for those who haven't been following along with my journey, I've struggled with my mental health for awhile. I've faced extreme anxiety and depression and I've almost lost myself to it twice.

“Love Myself?” was written in the bathtub at 2 am after experiencing my second miscarriage.

Distraught and suicidal I was over living and I just wanted to be done. Instead I chose to do the only thing I know how, write a song. This song is the physical realization that I did not value or love myself.

I did not want to release this song at first. I thought it would be too heavy and uncomfortable. And maybe it is for some. But between my producer pushing me to share my story and the fact that I knew that a song like this, knowing I wasn't alone, would've helped me, I knew I had to put it out there.

Like I've said before this song isn't really encouraging or a “you're going to be okay” song. It's a “I need some freaking help, hear my pain” song. This song is to encourage those who need it and to give them the words to speak when they are paralyzed in fear. In a world that says we're supposed to have it all together, it can feel impossible to speak our truth, even when it's a matter of life or death.

So here it is, the song that has kept me up at night. I pray that it finds the people it was meant for. If you would, please share with someone who feels like they're alone right now or who has been struggling. I'm not asking you to share for me or my numbers, this isn't what this song is about. This song is about providing an outlet and unity. This song truly is about bringing awareness to the issues that plague our society. Talking about mental health isn't a joke, it's not for attention and it's not to be capitalized on.

xoxo – Ry

Listen, Download, Add to your favorite sad playlist & Share!

or listen below on Cinnamon! ❤️

https://www.cinnamon.video/watch?v=309642201451725834

Vulnerability in 2020 is something to be pondered.

Today as I was facing a real life situation where my mental health history is effecting my ability to get a type of insurance, I was angered at the double standard we have set.

We encourage people to step out and tell their stories, but if they're too difficult or too messy or too hard, we take a step back and fade like ghosts.

We tell people that their circumstances don't matter, “come as you are”, but if they make us uncomfortable we hide behind our screens and hurl words ladened with our own burdens.

We act like everyone can be vulnerable, everyone can share, everyone has a place, but do they really?

In preparing for the song I'm releasing tomorrow, “Love Myself?” I sat down and listened to the whole song. And honestly, I got scared. I haven't listened to the song since we finished it a few months ago because it was too hard to face all of my emotions that went into it. When I heard the cry and vulnerability in my voice my mind started spinning and I started to freak out about how this song will be taken.

Will people think less of me because I am revealing my struggles?

Will people think that I cannot be a good mother because of my emotions?

Will people think that I am looking for attention?

Will people ignore the song because it's too heavy?

When I was writing it I was afraid that it wouldn't be taken well. You see, most songs about mental health are about trying to find the light in the darkness, or see the positive, or uplift those struggling. This song is none of that.

This song is raw.

It is brokenness and it is exposing.

It is a literal cry for help.

This song is to share my story.

This song is so that others who feel like they're supposed to have it all together can see that they're not alone in feeling like their entire world is falling apart at the seams.

This song is to give a voice to those who need help but don't know how to admit it.

This song isn't pretty or cute.

It's not ladylike or bubblegum.

This song is dark and heavy and hard.

But it is necessary.

Because in a world that says that I may not get the same rights because “I'm sad”, there needs to be another voice that says “it's okay to struggle and you are not alone”.

I am OVER the double standards.

I am OVER the fact that it is impossible to truly be vulnerable without being terrified of the repercussions that you may face.

I am OVER the fact that you cannot speak your truth if it goes against the status quo.

I am OVER the fact that you cannot speak your truth if it goes against the mainstream NARRATIVE.

I don't care who you are or where you came from or what genitalia you have, you deserve to feel whatever you're feeling and say what you need to say without the fear of lash back or being told that your story makes someone uncomfortable.

Life is uncomfortable and we need to get used to that or we are going to lose way too many people to our silence.

Advocate for those around you.

Start conversations.

Share the heavy and the hard.

You will always have people tell you that you are too much or that you make them uncomfortable, but I guarantee it's because you triggered them into feeling something that they are not mature enough to deal with.

I love you all and I truly hope that you love the song and can take it on as your own voice. For the impact to truly happen it is imperative that it be shared, especially with the people who need it most. It would mean so much to me if you'd send it to a few friends who need it or share however you feel led.

If you ever need anything, someone to talk to, anything, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. If I cannot be there at the moment, I will give you a long list of resources of people and places that will love on you and give you the support that you deserve.

xoxo – Ry

Hey ya'll! So remember when I asked you to help me write a song a week or so ago? Well ya'll suggested so many good ideas and a lot of you requested that I write about the situation going on right now. So I took another crack at Adam's suggestion of how the world is turning to creators for support right now and combined it with the concept that we all need a bit of healing right now.

Whether we are trying to heal the Earth or heal from our busy lives, it's important that we breathe and fall into the loving arms of music, comedy, writing, whatever it is. It's a reminder that even when you don't have the words, those who do are here to support you.

I hope you enjoy the song and that it brings you comfort. I went outside to record it because our niece is here and I didn't want anyone to interrupt, but it ended up being cool because the wind chimed in and decided to sing a little bit too.

xoxo – Ry

https://www.cinnamon.video/watch?v=308566215389873225

“Breathe” – Riley Q 4/28/20

Busy in our blood

Information floods our brain

Scared of slowing down

How would we stay sane?

Cuz when the words cut like knives

And the storms rolls in

And nothing that’s normal will ever be again

When there’s nothing to separate the words you speak

From drowning in heartache and lonely melodies

Breathe

Lean into our fingertips

Breathe

Lean into our magic lips

Breathe

Take comfort in those who can speak

Breathe

Breathe

We’re scared of letting go

Of all the plans we’ve made

We’re anxious in our souls

From drowning out the hate

Let the music wash over you

And the waves cleanse your soul

Let funny contain you

And dance with your whole body

And let it take you back to start

You’re only as much as the truth in your heart

Lennon Stella, who is (currently) my favorite artist released a song called “Older Than I Am” on her new album. (After writing this I took a quick Twitter break to see that Sophie just did an album review on this album so be sure to check that out!) The first time I heard the song tears welled up in my eyes. I don't usually cry over songs and maybe we could chalk it up to pregnancy hormones, but this song really hit me in a deep way.

You see, for those of you who don't know, I'm only

I graduated at 16.

Moved from Michigan to Tennessee (500 miles South) at 18.

Got engaged at 19.

Married three months later.

Pregnant at 20.

Most of my friends back home think I'm crazy.

A lot of people think I've rushed my life, sometimes it feels like that, but I wouldn't change it.

You see, I've always been a planner. I've always been told that I am a 40 year old stuck in a “x”'s body. I've never just been the age that I was. I took on a lot of emotional responsibilities growing up. Now some could argue that I didn't need to do that. I didn't need to rush. I could've just enjoyed the moments that I was in. But it wasn't supposed to happen that way. Every part of my life, every person I've met, every connection I've made, every place I've gone, it's all added up and connected to get me to that next step- it just happened a lot faster than the typical societal timeline.

I wasn't planning on getting married so early. Quite the contrary, I swore up and down I wasn't going to get married until I was 25. But only 39 days into living in Nashville I met the love of my life and well, the heart wants what it wants, right?

And then from there, I was supposed to have my career, right? I live in Nashville, the music city hub! I married early, fine, but at least wait until I can enjoy my career to have kids, right? Nope. All of the sudden Dustin and I knew we wanted kids early and we decided together that no matter what, we could have both. I could have my career and we could have kids so we went for it. And with each loss and heartbreak that desire increased and here we are 2 ½ months along.

Anyways, back to the song.

I was sitting in bed the day after Lennon's album dropped and I heard this first line that brought me to tears..

“My heart's seen things I wish it didn't

Somewhere I lost some of my innocence

And I miss it”

and then later,

“Sometimes I wish I could do something stupid

Be kinda reckless while I can

Say I don't give a damn

But I'm older than I am”

The past few years I've had this fear that one day I would wake up and regret not going to college, not having a party phase, not taking risks and avoiding responsibilities like most of my friends have. Now to me all of that sounds awful. I am so type-A/neurotic about making sure my life is on the track to the career path I am pursuing while also experiencing a family along the way, I can't imagine anything else, but I still get scared sometimes.

Or sometimes I get scared that I'll wake up when I'm 40 and realize that I've finally grew into the age that everyone has always said I am and I still won't have anything figured out. What if I never got to have my career? What if we forgot or I became too burdened or unattractive from having and raising kids that I can't have my dream career anymore? Now don't get me wrong, having kids, in my opinion, makes you and your body even MORE beautiful, but what if the rest of the world doesn't think so? And yes people, I know, you can have a career after 40, but in the music business, especially pop, you have a pretty short window of time to get in before you're considered too old to become relevant.

My brain keeps me up with all of these what if's and fears that one day I'll wake up and change my mind and walk away from the best things I have. It's almost like I'm afraid of myself.

I think it stems from a book that I read when I was in middle school and high school. I read the book at least three or four times but for the life of me I cannot remember the name of it and I think it was a library book that I checked out. But anyways, the book was from the perspective of a little girl who's mother wanted to be a performer. Her father was a hard working handyman in their small town and he worked hard to provide. Their mother didn't have any opportunities to perform in her town and the book is the whole backstory of this little girl trying to figure out why her mother was so unhappy that she left them all in the middle of the day to go perform and never came back. Ever since I read that, I've been terrified that I would make that same mistake. Is it an irrational fear? Maybe. But when my whole life has moved as quickly as it has, I worry that one day my curiosity or depression or something will take over and walk myself right out the door.

I guess I'm glad that I'm conscious of this fear because it gives me a chance to prevent it from happening. I do get overwhelmed, to be honest, thinking of how I'm going to have a career with a baby. It was hard enough before hustling as hard as I could and still not seeing an immediate return- which is just the name of the game. I am thankful for Dustin and the fact that he is just as committed to my career as I am, so we will just have to take it one step at a time.

And if artists can have kids in the middle of their careers I can surely start mine with kids, right? Right?

I'm not sure why I just spilled my deepest fear other than to make the point that there's always something deeper going on in people's lives. A lot of people probably assume that I am just being reckless with my quick life decisions, but if they only knew, I guess they do now, how I'm really feeling about everything. At the end of the day I know that I'm going to be okay and that I'm on the right path because every time God lays down a new stepping stone on my path, I jump to it. From the outside it can look reckless, but I have faith that it's more calculated than any of us can actually see. I have to keep trusting that I am on the right path and that although it's unconventional, my amazing husband and children will fit right into it perfectly.

Have grace for those around you and try not to judge their choices or circumstances, you never know where they're at in their journey. Also don't forget to have grace for yourself. Don't be afraid to voice your inner fears, it may just set you free.

xoxo – Ry

I Don't Think I Love Myself pt. 4

written March 12th, 2020 & April 25th, 2020 by Riley Q Sandrell

Removing shame is the first step to getting healthy” – Kait Visser

My lovely friend said that and it struck me, hard.

I wrote most of this piece just a few days before I found out I was pregnant with Baby H. I did not think I was pregnant and I was gearing up for month two of what I called the “Kill PCOS Diet”. In these moments I was on the edge of jumping off into the ocean of self love that I thought would ultimately be achieved by eating differently. Which I will say, caring for my body intentionally did WONDERS for my mental health and it led me down a path of intentionally valuing myself, but that alone did not cause me to start loving or appreciating myself. In fact there were certain days that I was teetering on the edge, wishing that I could go back to the way that I used to be, but knowing that I had touched too much of the light to ever go there again.

When I found out that I had been diagnosed with PCOS, I knew that I had to get my health under control. I didn't cause the PCOS, but I wasn't helping it either. But even that took me awhile to accept. I took a lot of unnecessary shame on with that diagnosis.

After several conversations with God and a few of my friends who encouraged me beyond belief, I took that first step in figuring out what my new diet and regiment would be.

But with that, I also had to pair it with words of affirmation and working to love myself in that moment. Because I knew if I couldn't at least try to love myself where I was at, even if I hated that person, I wouldn't ever be able to truly love myself when the transformation had occurred. My love would be so conditional that I would never be fully content.

I wrote this in my journal that March 14th:

“Yes. I want to be healthy. Yes, I want to love myself even when I’m 50 pounds overweight. Yes, I want to love my stretch marks and my little rolls, but no, I’m not accepting them as my permanent, because loving myself means caring for myself wholly.

Loving myself doesn’t mean eating whatever I want.

It means eating the things that are going to keep me healthy and alive.

Loving myself doesn’t mean enjoying 18 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy in a row.

It means watching one episode while I do a kick ass workout to keep my bones and joints and adrenal systems healthy. So I can function.

Loving myself doesn’t mean telling everyone to 'f off because I’m beautiful'.

It means choosing not to judge myself, but also measuring where I’m at and being realistic because the minute I lie to myself about where I’m at, just to make myself feel better, I’m getting complacent and leading myself down a path to early death.

And there’s no shame in any of that. There is no shame in my stretch marks or my rolls or my dimples or my curves. They’re beautiful and they’re a part of me, but they’re not who I am. Who I am is strong, smart, creative, loving, powerful- “

That was a breaking point for me. I had finally admitted the truth about my body and how I saw myself in a way that didn't tear myself down. I hadn't been able to do that in a very long time.

I believe that one of the reasons our society is so messed up is because we have adapted this mentality that no matter what, you're fine just as you are and you shouldn't have to change or better yourself for anybody, including yourself.

Now don't come yelling at me in my DM's, but this simply isn't true. We have a responsibility as humans to be intentional about our growth. We are not to stay stagnant in a world that is constantly evolving and changing.

We are so polarized in that we believe in either a lifestyle of “go, go, go” or “rest, rest, rest”-

You are stunning.

You are beautiful.

You are enough.

You are lovely.

There is no shame in where you’re at.

But no shame, no same.” – Bob Shirock

There does not have to be shame in what you look like, your career, your mindset, how you live your life, any of it- but stop settling for less than what you can achieve.

I am not shaming you.

You need to not shame yourself.

Because no matter where you’re at now, you can always change and improve and

Binging, eating whatever we want, acting however we want. It’s killing us.

Sorry, not sorry.

You can be positive about your body.

You can appreciate your body.

You can know, own and flaunt the fact that you are beautiful, because you are!

But acknowledging beauty isn’t loving yourself.

Saying all of the positive words isn’t loving yourself.

If you truly want to “live your best life”, start loving your body in a way that it can love you back.

I have health issues.

I love food.

I know how freaking hard it is to get off your butt and workout or feed yourself good foods.

I know how hard it is to say no to things that taste so good.

I know how hard it is to be the odd one out.

But if you don’t start valuing the person that is underneath, you will never be fully content or live that life that you are so desperately looking for in that pint of ice-cream.

Sure, go ahead and eat whatever you want now, tell yourself it’s okay.

But what about in ten, fifteen years when you’re dying because you didn’t give your body what it needed now?

Do you not matter then?

You’ve got to look outside of who you are right now and where you’re at and realize that the first step to loving yourself is understanding that unless you’re working to keep yourself healthy and live life to it’s absolute fullest, you’re doing yourself a huge disservice and you’re not actually loving yourself.

If you really want to be positive about your body, you’ll be doing things to heal it, take care of it and love on it. This applies to mental health, physical health, spiritual health- all the health! This isn’t just a body weight or look thing! Loving yourself starts on the inside and when you truly love yourself it reflects in ALL areas.

The body positivity movement started out as a good thing. We have to love our bodies and appreciate them for all that they’re capable of. Great!

But no-one ever said that being positive about your body meant that it was okay to stuff it full of junk food?

How is that positive?

How is it positive to eat yourself to death?

How is it positive to treat your body so badly now that you cannot be present or be alive for your children’s or friends lives?

How is any of that positive?

We can lie to ourselves all day long and say that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks and it doesn’t matter what we do as long as we’re happy, but that wouldn’t be the truth. Because happiness and fulfillment will never come through words, food, meds, or anything else material. You will eat your entire life away and still never find fulfillment.

Loving yourself means showing up, owning where you’re at, appreciating your beauty, appreciating who you are as a person and what you can bring to the table, and then constantly working to keep yourself in shape. That means working on your mindset, your mental health, your physical health, your spiritual health, your relations health and literally any other kind of help you can think of.

It isn’t a one size fits all or an overnight shift and that’s what we don’t like. Because it’s easier RIGHT NOW to be complacent. It’s easier RIGHT NOW to just do what we want. But I guarantee you it won’t be easier later when you’re drowning in whatever bathtub you put yourself in.

For those of you shaking your head, ready to click the “x” in the corner because it’s making you uncomfortable and “how dare she tell me to lose weight?!”- read this all again. I’m not telling you to lose weight. This isn’t about your freaking weight.

The body positivity movement has greatly turned into a web of lies, deceit, complacency and they’re bombs just waiting to go off when in 10-20 years people are dying, losing their minds and relationships and losing basic bodily functions left and right because they did what they wanted and didn’t give a f*** what anyone else thought, including themselves.

If you find yourself thinking or saying “take it or leave it” or “this is who I am and I’m never changing” or “I don’t care how I look as long as I’m happy”, check yourself. Check your heart, check your mind and check your spiritual health. Because it means that you’ve already reached complacency, it means that you’ve already reached a place where your ego is bigger than your head and you need some help coming down from the “you high” that you’re on.

Breaking down those walls, it’s hard. It takes work and man, I’ve really stabbed myself in the foot with some of the things I’ve said over the years.

But I’ve found more fulfillment and more happiness in refusing complacency than I ever did when I was doing whatever I wanted.

And for those of you who have health issues that are stopping you from losing weight altogether, man I see you. When I was first diagnosed with PCOS I had been dieting on and off for months trying to lose weight and the scale was not budging. Now, I’m not saying that dieting is the way to go, we’re not talking about that here, but I was putting my all in and it wasn’t happening. I am not criticizing you, because I see you working hard. You’re weary and you’re tired and you’re ready to give up, keep loving yourself. Keep accepting where you’re at now, but don’t quit. There is light at the end of the long tunnel and you will get there. You are doing such a good job and you need to keep right on loving yourself, even when it’s hard.

I hope you're not ready to burn me at the stake because I truly love each and every one of you and I desire that you will one day come to love yourself wholly.

Please don't hesitate to reach out and talk, to me or anyone. This journey of self love is exactly that, a journey. There is a lot of forwards and a lot of backwards and a lot of going in circles, but you will get it. Just take it one day at a time.

xoxo – Ry