I was supposed to be having a baby this week.

But here I am, walking out of a hospital, no baby in sight, unless you count the man-child rolling out in a wheel chair that is my husband.

Dustin had to have ankle fusion surgery in early January, but for various reasons it kept getting pushed back farther and farther. With each week my dread and anxiety was building up as I knew we were nearing my due date from my first pregnancy that I lost in June.

I'm not going to lie. I was angry in the hospital. As much as I wanted him to get his foot fixed and be out of pain, I wanted it to be me in there. I sobbed the entire rainy ride home. It was awful. And of course in that I went through a whirlwind of emotions from “I'm an awful wife for feeling this way” to “Why can't my body just keep a freaking baby!?”.

The past few months have been hard. I had another loss in December, I'm not sure how far along I was, but it was awful. The loss itself was horrible and painful, but the aftermath was almost worse. I had to go home for Christmas less than a week later and a friend of mine had just revealed her pregnancy to me the day my miscarriage ended and then my cousin announced her's at Christmas. With my family living 500 miles away, I had dreamed of telling them in person, which I'm not home often, so it would've worked out perfectly. It was just awful timing and it was hard. Really hard.

Losing a child, no matter if they are in utero or not is devastating. But it seems like if they've been born, people aren't as rude about it. I don't know, maybe not.

I can't even count the amount of times that people have said

“Oh well, it wasn't meant to be.”

“God obviously doesn't want you to have a baby yet.”

“You'll be a mother one day.”

All of those statements suck. Like they really suck. Because 1. You cannot tell someone who was at one point pregnant that “it wasn't meant to be”. You have no idea what happened and your opinion is not welcome. 2. By stating that “they'll be a mother one day”, you're negating the fact that they had a child within them. They already are a mother. I am a mother, to two sweet babies that went to be with Jesus before I had a chance to really even know them. But that doesn't mean I am not a mother.

I'm not sure why our society struggles with miscarriages so much. They're way more common that people make them out to be. 1 in 4 women experience a loss, 2% of women experience two in a row and 1% deal with recurrent pregnancy loss (3+). Even though these numbers may seem small, they're absolutely not. Because for each of those women who loses a child, each couple, it's their whole world.

The second you realize that you're losing or have lost a baby, you start to spiral.

You question everything.

“Did I eat or drink something bad?”

“Was it my weight? My stress?”

“What's wrong with my body?”

You feel like a failure.

Blame, guilt, anger, frustration, sadness, devastation- it overtakes your body. But in our society, you better not think too much about it or act like anything is wrong. Pull yourself up by your boot straps, get it taken care of and get back to work with a smile on your face!

Rather than dealing with emotions and processing, you're supposed to do it in silence which wreaks havoc on your brain and heart.

And if you do show emotions or truly grieve- you're at risk for being labeled “overdramatic”.

It's ridiculous the lack of empathy and understanding that our society shows towards women who deal with losses.

And until we start talking about it more, sharing our stories, and offering REAL support, this isn't going to change.

We feel like we have to gather in private to talk about these things.

I know of many apps and groups that help women cope with pregnancy loss but so many times I see women posting that they've had zero help or support in their personal life, so they have to turn to the internet for it. It blows my mind.

Thankfully I have a few very understanding friends and family members that have helped me exponentially, but even I have gotten my unfair share of rude and inconsiderate comments.

How can we start to undo the stigma?

How can you be there for someone dealing with this?

Listen to their story, don't try to sympathize or tell them you know what it feels like unless you've actually been there. Just listen and let them cry and talk it out. A lot of times women feel guilty because, especially if you are trying, you are symptom spotting 24/7 and with 85% of miscarriages/losses occurring in the first trimester, it feels like “boom I'm pregnant” and then “boom I'm not pregnant”. It's like a flip of the switch and it's traumatic, you barely get to process the feelings of excitement before you deal with the pain. And on top of that, women who experience recurrent losses, they don't enjoy any of their second or third pregnancies, at least for awhile, because they're symptom spotting for another miscarriage. So please, be there for your friends and family and just listen. Allow them to say the things they need to say. They may blame themselves. They may even say that it's because of stress, weight, etc. DO NOT agree with them or even try to reassure them. Let it be and just listen. There is a myriad of things that could be wrong and the best thing to say is that they should go to a doctor to find out what's going on with their body, that's it.

When someone confides in you with the information that they are experiencing a loss, they are trusting you. Don't assume that anyone, including their spouse or partner is going to be there for them. It's not that their partner may be a bad/rude person, it's just that they're grieving in their own ways, and guys especially, sometimes struggle with feeling the connection to the baby that the mama had. It usually isn't until she's showing or has had the baby that he has that same emotional attachment. That being said, don't assume he doesn't. Guys, this whole article pertains to you too, your friends need support and to be checked on- men, women, doesn't matter. This means that you give them a call or shoot them a text now and then to ask them how they're doing. If you know they are going to a doctor, offer to go with them or to drive them or to come over with coffee and cookies after. Be present and do whatever you can to make them feel supported and loved and seen. With that being said, also be sensitive, especially if they're actively trying, they might not be consuming alcohol, caffeine, or they may be on a special diet. So basically, don't automatically assume that a night out drinking is going to help, it probably won't.

And side note to the men: think twice before you ask a guy who is trying with his partner to get pregnant, to go drinking. This can put pressure on him, because he might want to go, but he and his partner may have made an agreement he doesn't drink/smoke for his sperm count. Avoid making them both feel bad and bypass the situation all together if you can help it.

...unless it's asked for and still be cautious.

A couple of general rules:

1. They are parents already, don't say one day they will be or when the timing is right.
2. Whenever they choose to start or stop trying is none of your business. If they choose alternative methods such as an IUI or IVF, it's none of your business. With that, don't be judgmental or demeaning about how much money they're spending on the process. If you aren't in that situation, you have no freaking clue.
3. Don't be judgmental about how they are or are not eating or drinking, people who want a baby will go through hell and high water for it and sometimes they need a break.
4. Stop telling them about all of the tips and tricks your great aunt Margaret swears by- they already know them and they don't need you making them feel worse about it.
5. Stop telling them to “stay strong” or “wow, you're really strong, I could never go through that” – it just doesn't help.
6. Don't say things like “are you sure you want to go through all of this for something that's going to keep you up, poop on you and make you drive a mini van?” Not appreciated. We know what we're getting into.
7. Don't be the person that's like “I wish we would've waited. Enjoy the time while you still have it.” Again, aware of what we're choosing, we can choose to enjoy the time we have alone together and try to get pregnant, thank you, next.
8. Do not ever say “you're young, you've got all the time in the world” or “you're getting up there, when are you going to start trying again?” You don't know. So don't pretend to know. K?
9. If it's not “how are you?”, “thinking about you!”, or “I support you and am here for you whenever you need anything” – don't say it.
10. If you absolutely want to give them something, gift them a couple's massage, a gift card to their favorite health food store where they buy their fertility stuff, or a dinner out. If a friend or family member is suffering from a loss, consider getting them something that will mean something to them. A necklace or earrings with their baby's birth stone or a pair of minimalist rainbow earrings are very popular right now. Just something to make them feel seen. Or honestly, just bring them dinner and ice cream, anything helps. But I will say, avoid books about fertility and loss, those usually do not help.

If you have lost a child, in any way, I'm so sorry. The pain is excruciating and I know it is dulled with time, but it will always hurt.

If you know someone who is suffering right now, I hope this article helped. It honestly helped me to write this. I am a firm believer in using your pain for purpose, so I hope that my pain helps you to understand a friend or family member better.

xoxo – Ry

Welcome back to the Merge Podcast!

First of all I'd like to apologize for a drop in quality on this episode. Dustin is having surgery so I had to record the episode in a hospital bathroom. 😂 Needless to say we should be back to normal next week!

Today's episode is definitely targeted towards new creators or creators who are not yet on Coil! I want to encourage you to send this episode to friends or co-workers who you think would benefit from the platform. I not only summarize what Coil and Cinnamon are all about, but also what the Internet of Value is (SUPER SIMPLIFIED) and why it's important for creators to value themselves.

Today is short and sweet but I hope that if you have been discouraged lately that this episode helps remind you why we're all here!

Let’s connect on Instagram, Twitter, Coil and Cinnamon!

If you’d like to be featured on the podcast to share about what you're up to as a creator or developer, or you know of someone who would be perfect, reach out on social media or send me an email, riley@rileyq.com.

- RILEY Q

https://www.buzzsprout.com/790439/2666683-4-reasons-you-need-to-be-on-coil

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