Riley Q

You've finally met them- the partner of your dreams.. or so you think. They meet all of the criteria, you're physically attracted to them and they seem to meet your emotional needs. It's a match made in heaven.

But you're still in that honeymoon phase. You may say that you can just be yourself around them but in reality you're still holding back. Maybe you have trust issues or maybe it's just that you're afraid that they'll run away if you get too serious, too quickly.

But can I invite you to look at things a bit differently for a second?

In our society we're told to wait and to hold back when it comes to sharing the serious things in a relationship. We're told that we need to handle things all on our own until we're married and that you don't want to unload the serious topics, emotional baggage and issues until you're in it “for good”. Let me ask you this, if this was truly the best course of action, wouldn't our divorce rates be significantly lower?

I mean why do I scroll through mommy & marriage groups on Facebook and see post after post of women complaining about the fact that they're not on the same page as their SO's about anything? They don't agree religiously, leaving the issue of how to raise their children. They don't agree financially and they're swimming in debt. They never worked through physical issues with one or both partners and so there is a feeling of dread and disconnection that radiates to every other part of their relationship.

It blows my mind that people can be in serious relationships or even married and not have taken the time to talk through and work through these major issues.

Part of me wonders if it's because we encourage not talking about things until later in the game and then we assume where our partner's stand and then instead of actually communicating we figure it will all work itself out and we go on our way? The other part of me wonders if we just get too afraid to tell them how we really feel so we create a facade and run with it until it's too late to really tell the truth? Either way there is a lot of miscommunication happening- or a lack thereof- and there is a major lack of trust.

I think a lot of people (especially younger folks) feel like if they were to talk to about serious topics and serious personal experiences early on that they would scare their love interest away. To be honest, I think that's completely right. But rather than establishing that as a law of nature, I see it as a really great test. You just have to be committed enough to that person to administer or take the test. If you talk through these things and establish a strong line of communication in the early parts of your relationship, you're not moving too fast, you're actually just finding out if that person is right for you. You're finding out if you're truly compatible and in my opinion, you're loving them more than if you don't talk about those things for the “sake of saving your relationship”. By the way- that's a form of settling. If you actually want to save your relationship you'll have those conversations so that if they don't go well you know that they're not right for you and you'll save both of you even more heartache by cutting it off earlier than if you had waited to have those conversations.

It's a scary leap, there's no doubt about that, nobody wants to go back to the starting line. But you're much better off having those conversations early on then before you get super attached. There's nothing wrong with letting them unfold over time and growing together as you share the intimate details of your life, but the more you hold back, the more of a disservice you're doing to yourself and your partner.

If you want to set yourself up for success in your relationship, talk to your significant other. If they're weirded out by you talking and they draw away or ghost you, they weren't in things for the long run anyways. As much as that is unfortunate, you have to put your heart first.

Now I'm not saying to bring up politics on the first date (like I did) or money on the second (like I did), but you definitely want to get these topics out of the way pretty soon. Once you've established a bit of trust you want to talk through emotional issues, past relationships, any baggage or trauma you're carrying around and allow the other person to see what they're working with.

Relationships are a lot about molding to one another and growing together. If the other person doesn't know what all they're dealing with, it's going to be difficult to truly graft onto one another.

I think that talking about the serious things is part of the reason why Dustin and I have a really open sense of communication. We agree on pretty much everything and we work very well together and I truly chalk that up to the fact that we talked about the hard stuff from the get go. We didn't hold back. It was part of the reason we gained such a strong connection and why we decided to get married so quickly, because we didn't beat around the bush. We both knew what we wanted and when we found that in each other we didn't play any games, we just went for it.

To the outside world the pace of our relationship was immature and way too fast- but I truly think that's just because the world isn't used to healthy relationships. We're used to constantly dealing with zero communication, seeking help from outside sources (other than counselors) and grasping to find validation for unhealthy habits and behaviors. When we see examples of healthy relationships- moving at a “fast” but in all actuality- normal- pace, we get insecure about our own relationships and cast judgment on those individuals. If you know you do that out of your own jaded view, stop- it's not helping anyone. If you're trying to move forward with your relationship and you're confident in it- regardless of how long you've been together or how old you are- go for it, don't let anyone rain on your parade. (Unless you have friends and family members warning you about signs of abuse, then you should stop and at least hear them out.)

To wrap this up, if I were sitting across from you giving you advice about your new relationship I'd look you straight in the eye and say:

“Don't wait to let them in to see who you really are. You are amazing and you don't need to play any games or follow any rules. Let the relationship flow and if they're right for you they will love you and accept you for who you are and you will love and accept them for exactly who they are. It will click and things will work.”

Love and be loved,

xoxo – Ry

Welcome to the final installment of my “Staying In For Christmas” video series! I hope you've enjoyed it and that it's brought you joy.

Christmas is quickly approaching and I want to share my favorite Christmas song with you. White Christmas is a meaningful song to my mom and her mom as my grandmother's father used to sing it when my mom was little. It's always held a special place in my heart and the movie White Christmas is one of my favorites.

Every time I hear that song it makes me smile and think of my family which is why I saved it for last. I am thankful my parents and siblings will come to Tennessee for a few days after Christmas but it'll be weird not seeing them on Christmas day and it'll be hard not to see my extended family. This is my way of honoring them.

https://cinnamon.video/watch?v=443681667899458912

Enjoy and have a very merry Christmas!

xoxo – Ry

Welcome back to another installment of my “Staying In For Christmas” video series! If you missed last week's Silver Bells be sure to check it out.

As you probably know by now, if you've kept up with the series, I chose songs to help me get through not going to Michigan for Christmas. This is my first Christmas I won't be with my family on Christmas day or in Michigan and it's honestly really sad. This is my way of trying to embrace Christmas as a new little family of three in our new house in Tennessee. It's still going to be lovely, just different.

The last two songs were chosen based off of missing the snow and missing my hometown and the way it's decorated at Christmas. This song is a bit more obvious though as I really am missing Christmas with my family so I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.

I know that a lot of us are in the same boat of not being able to visit our families for the holidays. If you're in that place, know that my heart is with you and I understand. I challenge you to find something fun to do to make this different Christmas a little more manageable and of course don't forget that you can video chat with family members. Just because you can't be with them in person doesn't mean that you can't still connect. And for those of you who are close enough to family to see them, treasure every moment of it. If this year has taught us anything it's that we need to take every chance we can get to spend time with our loved ones. Regardless of how you choose to celebrate don't let “rules” stop you from spending the holidays with your family, you never know if it could be one of their last.

Here is to all of my friends daydreaming about going home for Christmas.

https://cinnamon.video/watch?v=443680316880586059

xoxo – Ry

When I first set out in my dating journey, which was short lived if you know my story, I came prepared.

This is going to sound ridiculous and by sharing this I am fully aware I am opening myself up to being made fun of, but I will accept it for the sake of this matter.

By prepared I mean that I had a document, yes a document, of things that I wanted in my future husband and things I didn't want. I'm pretty sure the document was at least four or five pages long. My friends made endless fun of it and I don't actually think I have it anymore but for the sake of the blog I wish I did.

Anyways, I had spent years working on this document as I was in flings and things with guys and I observed my friends dating lives. I wanted to know exactly what I wanted so that when I came across who I thought was the right guy I would know for sure.

The funny part? I don't think Dustin met even half of my “requirements” although honestly I don't think anyone could have.

Obviously through the experience of dating him I learned that you cannot manufacture a man and I fell deeply in love with who he is.

I definitely didn't skimp on the big things like religious, family, economical and political beliefs but I did let a lot of things go because unfortunately there's more to a person than liking mayo. Yes, I believe the liking of mayo was on my “no” list. As I said, laughable.

I will say that through that process I was very much aware and looking for red flags. Things that I absolutely did not want and Dustin pretty much crossed a lot of them off immediately. Even a few months in he was still passing with flying colors, except one thing.

Now before I get into this too deeply I want to remind you of a few things. The first is that red flags are sometimes disguised and it can be easy to put on a pair (or ten) of rose colored glasses when you really start to like someone. This is where it is important to listen to those who love you the most. If they see something you don't see, especially an abusive trait or behavior, listen to them. Really observe, take a step back and don't just write them off. It could just save your heart or even your life. The next thing is that there are certain red flags that will not change. So don't take what I'm about to say as Bible truth. When it comes to fundamental principles and belief systems, it's rare that a red flag will actually change. Rather in this blog I'm going to be talking more about how my perspective shifted and how the red turned to yellow as I was able to see things in a different light. Again, consult your friends and family (specifically and sparingly) and be open to the fact that you may not see things that other people do. A person can be great but that doesn't mean they're great for you. It's important to be hyper aware of that.

That being said, red flags don't always stay red and by choosing to stay with someone who had a few red flags, you're not ignorant or stupid.

Keep in mind that these are the types of conversations you're going to be having with friends and family and at the end of the day they really only know your person from one perspective and they don't know the conversations that you've had or the moments you've shared. That's why it's important to take their opinions into consideration but also to take them with a grain of salt. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, abuse is different. But when it comes to a difference of opinion or a certain way they view the world or a specific topic, a red flag may not always stay red.

Let me give you my example and you may understand better.

My faith and my practice of Christianity is something that is very important to me. It was a deal breaker and I was relived to learn that Dustin is in fact a baptized believer and that he was involved in his church. I personally couldn't be with someone who wasn't both of those things. But that's where the good news ended and the problems began for us.

You see we are from varying denominations. With that comes a variance in theology and the breakdown of some of our individual beliefs. This also causes issues when deciding what kind of church to attend and how we'd be involved.

At the time my faith seemed to be more important to me than it was to him. This has changed over the years as we've both grown closer to God through our relationship with one another, but at the time it was a major issue. A major issue that we loved to ignore because we were blissfuly falling in love and we didn't want to rock the boat.

Now I don't suggest doing this because it's not fun to deal with once you're locked into one another, but at the same time I think it worked out in our case because we were so committed to one another that we knew we had to work things out whether we liked it or not.

The red flag was that we grew up in very different homes and that neither of us were willing to give up the way we looked at things from a theological stand point. In some relationships this would've been a deal breaker and I think it almost was for us as well, but by the grace of God we managed to get through it. We knew that this issue if not resolved would cause issues in the way we ran our household, which church we attended and how we raised our children. Would we be able to grow spiritually if we were constantly disagreeing on things?

There were a lot of tears and a lot of words said over this issue. I started gong to church with him, although begrudgingly because I wasn't happy with the theology there or how things were done. It was just so different from my upbringing but it also didn't make sense for him to go with me because I just had moved to Nashville and didn't have a church of my own.

We started dreading Sundays because every week I always had something to say about something said or done that I disagreed with and it always resulted in a fight. Given that this church was literally and metaphorically his family he took it personally and had a hard time seeing where I was coming from.

I won't lie after a few months I had to really ask myself if our relationship was worth it because I couldn't do it for the rest of my life.

We ended up sitting down and I told him all the major issues I had a problem with and how I viewed this hurdle as a red flag. Not only his defensiveness over the issue and lack of wanting to budge on his side with all the effort I was putting in, but then the actual issues themselves. Taking from my own parents story of how they developed out of the theology they were taught as kids and how they grew together in marriage I knew it wasn't impossible but I couldn't do it by myself, it was going to take both of us and I needed him to be on board.

After that conversation he agreed to try and we came up with a few practical solutions to get us through the dreaded Sunday and along the way we made adjustments to make sure we were both comfortable (enough).

Fast forward to today, we still have disagreements and we still struggle in some areas but things have gotten better. We are able to have more honest and open conversations and we agree on much more theologically than we did before.

This took letting our pride down on both sides and humbly admitting when we were wrong about a specific issue.

I'd like to take a moment and note that this is something that a lot of people don't know how to do and it's quite toxic. Our society has convinced us that our partners better just accept us as is and we don't have to be pliable at all or they're not the right person. And I'm here to tell you that honey, that just ain't true. Relationships are about growing together and they often expose our deepest insecurities and flaws and an unwillingness to work on yourself is actually much more unflattering than anything. Obviously you don't drop everything and lose yourself completely but it's okay to change a bit and it's okay to WANT to change. That's where you should have discretion with who you share what with because people on the outside are always going to take your side and be much less forgiving and understanding when they're not in the actual situation. Especially if you've complained about something and then changed your mind or started to see things in a new light. Just be aware of who you say things to.

Like I said, we're in a much better place now than we were and we obviously decided it wasn't a deal breaker but that we both had to commit to doing better and trying harder for one another. We've had a lot of conversations and we're still making adjustments on a regular basis to help one another grow but it's clear that it's going to be a life long process for us. But I'm okay with that. Nobody ever said relationships would be easy or that you were going to find someone who you agreed with everything on.

I believe that if you find someone with a good and humble heart, a willingness to work on things and you agree on the basic fundamentals that you can make it work. In fact I think it's pretty much impossible to find someone who agrees with you on everything whole heartedly and if they do, one of you is probably not being 100% honest with yourselves or the other person.

This isn't to say that you shouldn't pay attention to red flags, but I am saying that with minor or questionable red flags you shouldn't just write something off immediately. Investigate, dig a little deeper, have open and honest conversations and see if you can work together to make things work. If you decide you can't, at least you know you gave it your best shot and if you decide you can you won't be wondering “what if” or what they really think forever.

I hope that this helped to give you some perspective if you're struggling with a red flag. Even later on in a committed relationship things you have issue with can be discussed, it doesn't mean things have to just be over. Our society is really good at telling us to walk away so here's your reminder that you don't have to. You can stay and work through things and give it a shot.

Don't forget to love and be loved.

xoxo – Ry

Hi friends, a real time post here.

I am knee deep into Dustin’s first week back to work and I have to admit that I am utterly exhausted. I wrote a post yesterday on Instagram and talked about the struggle of being in the newborn stage. I described it as “trying to learn a new language while someone is banging pots and pans in the background and another is whispering horrible things in your ear telling you that you can’t do it.” They want nothing but need everything and it’s just a lot.

I am also struggling a bit with Postpartum Depression as I predicted I would. I’ve got a great support system and I’ve been super open and honest with Dustin about how I’m feeling and we’re working through it. As much as Christmas has snuck up on me I’m really looking forward to spending time with friends and family next week, it’ll be a much needed reprieve from this monotone marathon of feeding and sleeping and comforting all day long.

I am grateful for Hayden and remembering my 2nd miscarriage a year ago this month, it hits even deeper. But I’m not going to say this season is easy and dealing with my mental health dipping on top of it makes some moments feel impossible.

On a brighter note, we were so incredibly blessed to have an amazing photographer come out to take photos of Hayden and our little family. I didn't think it was going to be possible but God ended up blessing us in this really special way and I am so grateful.

Enjoy these photos of our sweet little man and if you are in the Middle Tennessee area I highly recommend Jess Harris Photography! You can check her out on Instagram and Facebook.

I hope you enjoyed this little update, I’ll be posting a 1-month update on Cinnamon either next week or the week after. But I needed to write and check in, my heart misses it. Also, don’t mind the lump on Hayden’s head. It’s an external hematoma that he received during birth. It already is way down since those photos and you can barely notice it anymore. I promise he’s okay and we didn’t knock him against a wall or anything like that. 😂

Have a blessed week and whatever holiday you’re celebrating in these coming weeks, I hope it’s filled with joy and love and peace.

xoxo – Ry

Enjoy the many facial expressions of our Hayden James!

The influencer- the coveted dream job of the 21st Century. Taking photos, receiving free products, working from your phone, making commissions, moving into beautiful brand new builds with marble countertops- sounds like the dream, right?

When most people hear influencer that's what they think of. Now anybody can be an influencer and I will get to that in a bit, but right now I want to talk about the traditional social media influencer and some of the issues that we're running into with them.

What are the main issues?

a. Constant product pushing.

b. Dishonesty.

c. Lack of respect for their followers.

“I really want to help ya'll out and give you better skin, so here's my 10% off code.” *eye roll* If you really wanted to help us out, you'd have actually tried that product for more than a few days, if you even did at all and you wouldn't have been trying to sell us on a competitor's same product last week. Some influencers straight up lie about using products. Some infer that they have but actually haven't or haven't used it as long as they act like they have. Even if they started off honest and just sharing products they actually did love, for most, at some point it becomes about how many brand deals they can get and they don't care as long as they make a few bucks off of their ride-or-dies. There is one large influencer in particular who set herself up as “your big sister” and was so good at what she did that now she sells her hundreds of thousands of followers on a different product everyday and has many convinced that if they don't buy everything she put out there that they don't truly support her. It's seriously ridiculous and her house and purchases prove just how many people have fallen into her trap. The sad thing is, she used to be very honest and trustworthy but the money and the power got the best of her and even the personal stuff she used to talk about and her personality have changed tremendously. Just to get more brand deals. Which really doesn't just harm the followers, but it harms the small businesses who send them things because they don't actually get real attention or real reviews because a lot of these girls have the work they do down to a science to put in as little effort as possible.

Now I'm not saying this is EVERY influencer, I wouldn't make that statement, but you can look at a lot of them and see certain trends of how they're doing things and if you stick around a few weeks you'll start to see these issues become very clear.

Influencers need to be held accountable for the brands they're sharing, the ideas that they're promoting and the messages they're sending. They hold too much power for us to just keep on liking and following and trusting every word they say.

Let me get two things straight.

1. I don't believe in censorship. You should be able to say what you want to say without getting shut down.
2. People can change and evolve and just because someone does or says something doesn't mean that's who they are forever. We should give them the benefit of the doubt. Especially if they are actively taking steps to change.

So you may be wondering, how do we hold them accountable if you don't believe in censorship?

1. Stop giving them attention.

Stop following them, liking, saving and commenting on their posts. If you know that there's something off about them and they're not actually bringing any value and they're really just trying to make a buck off of you, stop supporting them. If you like some of what they put out but they're being dishonest with products, stop engaging on those posts. Brands do notice when engagement goes down and they won't support those influencers if they say that happening. You hold the power in how you interact with their content.

2. You can write into brands.

There is usually real people behind the social media accounts for big and especially small brands. If you see that an influencer just advertised for a competitor a few weeks back (usually brand deals are set up months in advance so they won't always see if they're being double crossed) reach out to the current brand they're advertising and say something! Or if you try that product and the influencer clearly did not use it or said it did something it didn't, let the brand know. They deserve to know how they're being represented and they don't always have time to see the stories and posts being made about their products and they can't see what is being said about their products in DM's.

3. Let the influencers you follow know how you feel.

Some genuinely will not care and will write you off or block you, but those who are in this for the right reasons will. If you're confused as to why an influencer is advertising so much or advertising competing products from month to month, reach out and say something. Even just saying, “Hey, your endorsements are getting confusing because they're contradicting each other, which one do you actually use and like?” can get them to stop and second guess how they're coming off to their audience.

4. Stop buying from them and supporting them.

Go with your gut on this one, but if an influencer is being dishonest, stop shopping their Like To Know It links. No it doesn't cost you any additional money and that is a great way to support the influencers who you truly do love and trust- I'm all about micro-influencers in that case, but use caution. You can go directly to the business and shop from them, especially small businesses who maybe can't afford to take the percentage cuts but do just to try and advertise. We can say all day long that things aren't going to change and we're always going to be caught in influencer culture, but if we push back as followers and consumers and demand that we get honest reviews and relationships, we can change things.

So what do we do instead?

How do we actually change the culture?

First I think it's important to realize that anybody truly can be an influencer. If you are showing up and sharing your life and impacting lives in a positive manner, you're influencing them. It truly does go beyond products and endorsements.

I believe that we need to strive for a more honest online community that focuses more on doing life with one another and less on how many skincare products we can try to sell someone on in a week.

Hear me out, I don't think influencers need to fully go away. I think it's a great marketing tactic and I think it's awesome that we are connecting with people online. But we need to see more honesty on the influencer's side, more real life and less product pushing.

Now obviously influencers aren't going anywhere that there isn't money. That's where Coil, Cinnamon, gFam and Mg.Social come in. Cut the advertisements, cut the amount of products they have to push but still make money off of their followers.

Influencers would be able to spend more time focusing on high quality content that benefits their followers.

Followers would be able to spend more time on the content that truly matters and it may just improve their mental health.

We could cut down on the amount of false advertising that leads to unmet expectations and the feeling that we are just being used.

We could cut down on comparing lifestyles based off of what products we do and do not have.

Just by using these new platforms and taking advantage of blockchain solutions, we could change the social media culture.

How amazing is that?

Some of you may be rolling your eyes and thinking that it's a far fetched dream. Maybe it is. But I think if we as a collective were dedicated to moving our audiences over to sustainable platforms that have integrity and are committed to getting their creators paid and allowing us our right to free speech, I think that could make a massive change. We have to start small but the more we speak out against the toxicity of the influencer culture and the more we demand to not be used anymore, the more we can actually make a change.

So what do you say?

Should we be holding influencers accountable?

xoxo – Ry

Happy holidays my loves!

Today I'm excited to share the second installment of my “Staying In For Christmas” video series!

If you missed the first session and post explaining these sessions, check out my cover of Walking In A Winter Wonderland.

I chose this song because it reminds me of walking through my hometown during the Christmas season. Like I said in my last post I chose my favorite songs that also reminded me of things I'd be missing this year. I'm going to miss walking through a light dusting of snow under the glittery lit up snowflakes they have hanging on every lamp pole. I'm going to miss sipping my peppermint mocha while looking at the beautiful trees decorated in the park by businesses and families remembering their loved ones. I'm going to miss the life sized nativity set and the kids waiting outside of the little house to talk to Santa. I'm going to miss the sound of Christmas music wafting through the air from the local businesses sharing their holiday cheer. And most of all I'm going to miss the sound of the bell ringing in the square from those collecting change for the Salvation Army with their red buckets and warm smiles. Me and my mom and siblings did it one year and although it was cold and I remember having to be bribed with hot cocoa during the last hour, it was fun. Singing carols and greeting people with “Merry Christmas” is something I hope we don't lose this year.

It's been a hard year and there's a lot of tension but I urge you to not let this season go to waste. Love on your neighbors and let them know you care. Enjoy this season and all it has to offer, even if things look a bit different. Wrap up in your scarves and hats and go for a walk. Buy your hot cocoa from a local coffee shop and let them know that their business is meaningful to you. Try to buy for a child at a local angel tree or volunteer at a soup kitchen. Just because things have shut down doesn't mean that people's needs have gone away, they're still there and we need to adapt to meet them.

Enjoy my rendition of Silver Bells and let it bring you back to a special memory from the holiday season.

https://cinnamon.video/watch?v=443678999575528753

xoxo – Ry