Shattered

What happens when the rose-colored glasses break

7/2/21 It's been a week. Monday and Tuesday he didn't work because of rain. The rest of the week I've been consumed with other stuff (more on that later). It's difficult to find time to write when Garrett is home. I'm expected to devote my time and attention to him when he's here. One day last week he came home early. I was getting sick of sitting around (and cleaning to keep busy) so I sat down at my computer to look for jobs. “What are you doing?” “Can't you do that tomorrow when I'm not here?” Of course, the expectation is not the same for him. He does whatever he wants and I'm expected to accept it without saying a word. He seems to always have his face in his phone, reading articles on Fox news, texting someone, or talking on the phone. I can literally be mid-sentence and his phone will ring and he'll answer it. Last week we were walking into a bar for dinner and his phone rang, so he answered it. Talked as we walked across the parking lot, but was still talking as we got to the door and walked inside. So now I'm inside a crowded bar, looking for a place to sit, and he's ignoring me talking on his phone. So rude. When he did get off his phone his turned his back completely and started playing on the slot machine directly behind him. I couldn't even watch what he was playing because he was directly between me and the machine. So I just sat there, alone, looking around. The other night we were in a restaurant having dinner. His phone buzzed and he immediately picked it up. I spent the next 15 minutes watching him look at his phone. I finally asked if he wanted to invite them to dinner. It was the guy he is doing the side job for with a list of complaints. I told him it could wait and hour. Of course it couldn't. He just HAD to address it at that very minute. I could sense he was angry and would say something stupid. Told him it probably wasn't a good idea to respond immediately. He just picked up his phone and proceeded to respond to every single thing the guy said. Another 10 minutes. Really fucking rude. And terrible for business relationships. You don't get referrals and recommendations by mouthing off at your customers. He wants to start a business, but he'll have a terrible time getting it off the ground acting like that. AND he could damage Keith's reputation. People speak highly of Keith. But if word gets out that he's got a jackass working for him or doing his side jobs they may be inclined to take their business elsewhere. I certainly would! Keith is known for being trustworthy and reasonable with his pricing. Garrett is already marking up materials. I was able to have lunch with Tori after all. Garrett and Zach had to work in the morning after all. I just told him I brought her some eggs. I'm really glad we had a chance to hang out. She is such a ray of sunshine. A really sweet girl, just trying to heal from an abusive childhood. I was pretty sure he was abusive to his ex-wife, and probably the other exes (and their children) as well, but it never occurred to me he did the same things to his kids. Name calling, pitting his girlfriend against her, throwing things at her (!!), telling her she couldn't come home or sleep in the house, actually kicking her out – as a teenager! She mentioned that she still flinches if Chris gets upset, and gets nervous if he starts to clean or gets the vacuum out. Well, that explains the rage-cleaning episode the other day. She calls it “cleaning AT you.” Very accurate description. It sounds like Chris is better to her than her dad ever was. Contrary to what he claims, she doesn't actually put the full blame on him or side with her mother. I commented that her mom must be a saint for putting up with his shit for as long as she did. “Oh no, she's not!” She is able to see how each parent contributed to their problems, and what they did to each other. That girl's eyes are wide open. He assumes that she blames him for everything just because she keeps in contact with her mom. I shouldn't be surprised. I told Tori I was worried about Zach. As far as I can tell, he has never had a good example of a healthy relationship. I don't want him adopting his dad's behaviors as his own and treating women the same way. She assured me that he is very well aware that the way he acts is wrong. It's why he doesn't have a temper. He is very careful not to get angry the way his dad does. And they talk. “Remember when ____ happened? That wasn't right, was it?” Thank God! I was (still am) worried that the two of them would drift apart because of the way their dad acts towards Tori. Zach is already estranged from his mom and her side of the family because of his dad. He doesn't need to lose Tori too. She has tons of family – their mom's side of the family, and now getting to know her bio dad and his side of the family – but she is the only family Zach has left. I've also noticed that Zach is drifting from his dad's side of the family as well. He doesn't hang out with his cousin or check in with his grandparents as often as he used to. I can't help but wonder if it has something to do with the way Garrett talks about them or avoids spending time with them. He has been doing a lot of fishing with Dana lately. I hope they keep that up. Dana seems like a great guy and a much better father figure. She also told me Zach doesn't hate Madeline (despite what his dad claims) – he actually likes her. Wishes he could hang out with her, but it causes too many problems with his dad. I hope she's helped Madeline understand that too. Garrett is the one that pitted them against each other, and everyone can see it. It's becoming very clear to me that Garrett's behavior is destroying his relationships and ruining his life. Eventually he will drive away his own son, his pride and joy. Then what will he do? Zach does seem to be the only person that can get through to him. Will he finally realize what he's doing? Or will he become a bitter, lonely old man? He's already well on his way. Sunday was Myles' graduation party. Lots of family and law enforcement officers (Dana's colleagues) present. He proudly introduced me as his fiancé, which sparked a very awkward (for me) conversation with his cousin about dates and venues. He also made a point to introduce me to several of the officers and talk about old times. I get it, you know the entire Village of Summit police force. Doesn't mean they won't do their job if I need them.

I should probably mention that the day after Garrett's last temper tantrum Madeline told me she was bleeding – again. Too soon, but once again confirms he was PMSing. Speaking of PMSing. Winnie still hasn't been fixed. Several weeks ago I told him that it should probably happen before she goes into heat again. He said he would have Zach find a clinic. Weeks went by and still nothing. The other day I commented that she's will be going into heat soon. He got angry, assumed I was nagging him about getting her fixed, said he'll make Zach make an appointment (which he did). I told him I'm not saying it to get on his case, I'm saying it because I'm noticing signs that she's about to go into heat. Sure enough, the very next day as I'm getting into bed I notice blood on the sheets. She's in heat. Why does nobody ever listen to me? I really don't want to deal with this again. So not only is Garrett sensitive to human hormones, he reacts to dog ones as well. He's been acting moody again, but until yesterday doing a fairly decent job of keeping a lid on it. Yesterday morning I wanted to use the TV to listen to music, but couldn't get it to turn on – so I texted Garrett. Ended up getting upset because I STILL can't figure out how to work the TV in “my” home, but everyone else can. Here's our conversation: G: We need to work on finding positive please E: I've been saying that for a long time. E: But it's not right that I am never allowed to be frustrated. I have feelings too. G: I know but we are focusing and latching onto everything that's negative. And you feeling you don't have a home sucks. I don't know what else I can do. E: Yes you do G: What E: Can I answer that without you getting angry? G: I'm not going to get angry. E: Stop throwing me out. Stop insulting and demeaning me. Using your words as weapons to get your way. Stop pointing the finger. It's not necessary to blame someone else for everything that goes wrong. Shit happens. Getting angry never makes it better. Consider my feelings when you do things. Or how you would feel if it was me doing that thing. Think about what I might want or need. Or ask me (and then listen). Make me more important than your temper. G: I will work on my reaction and hopefully Everyone will work on the issues. E: Do you think we're not? By the time he got home he was ready for a full blown rage. Apparently he had a rough day at work. He and Keith got into it (shocker). The AC here stopped working several days ago, so he had a guy coming out to put in a new one (he has a backup). But when the guy came, it was just to look at it. Won't be able to work on it until next Wednesday. It would cost $2,800 to replace the unit (but he doesn't have to, because he has a backup!) Told Zach to mow the lawn, but something is wrong with the lawn mower. It's smoking and he smells oil. (He knew that, because it was doing it last time he mowed it – two weeks ago.) So he started ranting about how much it's going to cost to fix it. “Everyone is gonna have to suck it up and stop complaining because I have to have the lawn mower fixed!” Then he started going on about the TV not working. Started to accuse Madeline of unplugging something or changing the settings (here comes the blaming I was talking about). Starting making shit up to yell at me about. Accused me of constantly complaining, yelling at him about everything (because I spoke up when he tracked in mud right after the floor had been mopped – two days in a row), claims I hate the dogs, etc. Got himself worked up in no time. Yelling, putting his finger in my face, storming around, following me around, slamming doors, getting in my face. I told him to be very careful where he takes this. “YOU be careful!” (finger in my face) I decided to get away before he got to the name-calling part, so I told him I'm going to the store. Followed me out the door yelling (“don't come back!”) and acted like he wouldn't let me get in the car or would block me from driving away. “Don't come back!” He caught himself before making too much of a scene this time (I'm sure the neighbors are watching now) and I was able to get away. Unfortunately, because of the way he was acting I wasn't able to grab any of my stuff. Went to Walmart to grab some things and let him cool off. G: You will never be happy here. It's very clear. I get it. Everything positive from this home is gone. Drained! I can't fix it. And sick of being the fall guy for other people's misery! G: And you want to talk about busting ass? Walk in my shoes for a day. E: So much for not getting angry. G: I could tell things where going bad the day you grounded her. It's been fucking miserable. You actually had the balls to attack me for not answering my phone. Even though you never call and always text. Once again set me up for someone else's bad behavior. Just needed to lash out. I've tried everything I can I'm fucking exhausted ! I'm sick of the gloom and doom around here. It's getting to the point I don't want to come in my own home. You hate the dogs, everything gets on your nerves. I don't see anyone helping Zack and I. No instead candy crush is the way to go. Apparently that's not making you happy either. E: You're right. It was ballsy to say anything to you about anything. Because your response is to lash out. I'm sick of living in fear of your temper. I've also been afraid to say this: if you keep telling me to leave I will. Choose wisely. G: I'm sick of being your fall guy for unhappiness. It emotionally draining. If your not happy here it is what it is. I can't keep you happy G: You can't say a single positive thing about anything. Gloom and doom I would have got a hotel room, but I had nothing but my purse on me. And then the IBS decided to flare. So I had to come back. Thankfully (or maybe not) he had calmed down by the time I got back. On the couch watching Fox News (because THAT's positive). Poor Zach was upset. Sounds like Garrett was acting like a tyrant all day. (Garrett later mentioned being mad at Zach for being out so late the night before. And Keith for “being an ass.”) Madeline got a job at Mama D's. Had a second interview yesterday and started today. I haven't told Garrett yet, because the sooner he knows, the sooner he will start thinking of ways to get mad about that and finding something to blame her for – even though we've wanted her to work at Mama D's for a long time because they have better hours (eliminating the scheduling issues) and is right off the bike trail (eliminating the transportation issue). I don't mind driving her to and from work, but it makes him angry. He still hasn't released my phone number to me. I haven't started applying for jobs because I know he will hold that number hostage (or turn my phone off) the next time he throws me out. He's done it before. I can't be in the middle of the hiring process and then have nobody able to reach me because he threw a temper tantrum and turned it off. So I activated a new line on a backup phone (took several days because of issues with the SIM card) and set up google voice to have calls come to my primary line. I tested it out and there's a little bit of a delay, but it works. Now I can FINALLY start looking for a job!!! I need to find a safe place to stash getaway bags where I can grab then quickly the next time he goes into a rage. I wish I could just get away for a few days, just to rest and clear my head, but of course that would spark yet another tantrum. I'm not yet prepared to hit the road. Ideally, I'd like to get a job, start working, find a place (maybe even buy a house?) and get out of here. Sometimes I think about letting Zach rent a room from me. Once we're gone, Garrett will have no one else to abuse and will turn his attention on Zach. He doesn't need that. Besides, these kids are awesome – in spite of it all. I really want to keep them both.

6/25/21 Yesterday, right after getting home with Madeline, it started pouring rain. I checked the weather radar and there was a huge storm covering the entire area. I assumed the guys wouldn't be able to continue working, so I called Garrett to see if they got rained out and ask if he would stop by the store on his way home to grab a few things so I could make chili for dinner. He didn't pick up. I didn't leave a voicemail or send him a text because I didn't want to pester him at work. I figured he would call me as soon as he saw I called. He never called me back. Didn't get home until almost 4. When I asked why he didn't call me back, he said he didn't know I called – and then that his phone doesn't show his missed calls. Blamed me for not texting him. Then he said they did get rained out, so he went to Keith's to have a few beers and order parts for a pool. So then I got mad for him not updating me. We JUST had a conversation about this last week. He accused me of getting mad at him for going to Keith's for beers. I told him I don't mind him doing that, but it would be nice to know so I can plan my afternoon accordingly. I told him there are many days that I could be out getting stuff done, shopping, fishing, etc., but instead stay home thinking he will be home soon. As a result I end up wasting my time waiting around for him, wondering where he is. At the time he apologized and promised to be better at keeping me updated. When I reminded him of that conversation, he told me he didn't think it mattered because he was home by 4 – it's not like he was out until 9 or something. I told him it was very obviously pouring rain, so I figured he would be home early. When he wasn't I had no idea where he was. I told him about not being able to get a hold of Madeline that morning, and how livid I was. Then he went and did the exact same thing to me. I reminded him how angry he would be for her doing that. His response: “well, I'm an adult.” I told him they both disrespected me and my time, which makes me feel like a piece of shit. He went into a monologue about what an awful feeling it as a parent when you can't get a hold of your child. Gave an example of Zach doing that to him when he was in Tucson and all the scenarios he had played out in his head. I reminded him of the time over the winter he was out plowing snow for 14+ hours. I had no idea where he was or when he would be back, so when he didn't respond to my calls or texts I honestly thought he was stuck in a snow bank somewhere. (At the time he told me the guy he was working with kept him talking – for HOURS.) I know the “beers with Keith” story is believable – especially when Zach is with him. But truthfully, I wonder if he's actually out “getting a blowjob before coming home from work” and/or hanging out with Tina (who he is still so secretive about – I know he reached out to her when I left him in November. Who's to say he isn't still in contact with her?) Speaking of Tina, the other day he mentioned a potential pool rebuild side job in Germantown. He doesn't know that I know she lives in Germantown. I've never been there, but it looks to be a very small town. Garrett picked up a side job rebuilding a pool. He was supposed to do it last weekend, but had problems renting an excavator, so we ended up sitting around doing nothing all day Saturday. He was able to pick one up Tuesday, with plans to use it for jobs for Keith and backyard projects throughout the week, then get the pool rebuild done Saturday (now tomorrow). So I made lunch plans with Tori. Didn't tell Garrett because I don't want to listen to him complain about his daughter. “She gives me anxiety.” Whatever, I love the girl and am looking forward to spending some time with her. Especially without him around dropping snide comments at her. I can tell it bothers her, too. Well, Garrett decided to finish his side job today so he doesn't have to work tomorrow – which means he most likely expects me to spend the day with him – which means I will most likely have to cancel my lunch plans with Tori. We have been trying to get together for a while now. I don't know what to tell her. I also really don't need him throwing a tantrum. I can hear it already: “I busted my ass to get this job done so I could spend the weekend with you!” Or accusing us of talking shit about him. At some point he'll get himself so worked up he'll forbid Madeline from getting driving lessons from Tori, and might even bring Tori into the argument. He did that a month or so ago. He was raging about Madeline's work schedule and difficulties getting her manager to understand (and comply with) her availability. So he called Tori, to get her to say that she had no issues getting her work schedule sorted out when she was a teen living at home. I texted her to apologize for him bringing her into it. She said he only asked her a question. We didn't discuss it any further. She doesn't need need that. Zach either. When he gets worked up he just HAS to bring someone else into it to take his side – usually with limited information. Several months ago I had Madeline in treatment at a behavioral health center (VERY long story. Also a huge mistake). When she was discharged they sent all of her completed assignments home with her. He went through them ALL. He still hasn't stopped raging about some of the things she wrote in her worksheets. Anyway, he went to Dan and Kathy to “talk about issues with Madeline” (ie. complaining about her and looking for a sympathetic ear to side with him). I wasn't present for the conversation(s) so of course they only got HIS (exaggerated & slanted) side of the story. Of course he said nothing to them about how he treats her, how he demanded all her freedoms to be taken away, how his expectations of her are 10x higher (and unforgiving) than his expectations of his own son (or himself, for that matter). Of course, the feedback and advice he got from them was based on incomplete information. I don't remember everything he claims they said (and also don't know how accurate it is). I know Kathy commented that what was going on was very not normal (that much is obvious), and suggested a boarding school or halfway house. (I, personally, believe none of that – even the treatment – would be necessary if she had a healthy home environment. Like the one she had before he came along. Some days I loathe myself for what this atmosphere is doing to her emotionally and psychologically. But now I'm in too deep. Now that my eyes are finally wide open I'm struggling to come up with a safe way to escape.)

6/24/21 Garrett was actually in good spirits all day yesterday. We went out for dinner and had a nice time. I teased him this morning about PMSing for me and he didn't get mad. He's getting more unpredictable every day. I let Madeline spend the night at a friend's house last night. She said they wanted to watch the Strawberry moon. This morning I noticed that her and Zach's bathroom is filthy. So I texted her asking what time I can pick her up (so she can come home and clean that and do her chores before work this evening). No answer. It's now 11:35 a.m., I've been calling and texting her for over an hour and nothing. I'm furious. She knows better than to turn her phone off or not respond to me. Of course all the worst case scenarios are running through my head. As if that's not enough, I have to worry about Garrett's anger if he finds out. This is definitely something he will bring up in countless arguments/complaint sessions about Madeline. Which means I can't lean on him when I need someone. I somehow have to find her while hiding the fact that I'm looking for her from him. Can't trust him to not blow up at me over it, and call me a bad mother and all the other things. Ugh. On a brighter side, He has stopped leaving the toilet seat up. And here I thought I would make a conscious effort to complain about him less and focus on the positive.

Is it frowned upon to buy a pregnancy test and a bottle of wine in the same transaction?

6/23/21 Sure enough, he worked himself into a tizzy – completely unprovoked. His “getting something to eat” didn't last long. Because what's the point of throwing a tantrum if no one is there to witness it? So instead he went to the grocery store for some fried chicken. When he came back he acted like everything was fine and suggested going to see his cousin. Next thing I know he's tearing through the house frantically cleaning. Emptied both garbage cans, did the dishes, swiffered the whole house, put the cardboard out to burn, put the couch cushion cover (that one of the dogs puked on a couple days ago) in the washing machine), even “cleaned” the bathrooms. (By “cleaned” I mean made a racket scrubbing one toilet, dumped all his bathroom stuff into a drawer and hastily wiped down his sink – it's still dirty). All of this in the course of maybe 30-45 minutes. He never does this. When we first met he pretended to be clean, but by the time we came up to Wisconsin that façade had faded. Sometimes he'll sweep or mop, but he leaves stuff all over the place, rarely wipes down a counter or rinses a dish and NEVER dusts or scrubs a toilet. Nothing gets things put away. There's stuff all over the garage and basement, random junk laying around the yard, clutter all over the counters, a pile of mail that hasn't been gone through in 6 months, piles of laundry (clean or dirty?) on the bedroom floor (yes, again). I'm constantly walking through the house picking up trash or putting things away. So when he did this last night I seriously wondered if I was witnessing a manic episode. I ignored him. (It's worth noting that several weeks ago he blatantly admitted to refusing to do anything around the house for THREE MONTHS to make me see how little everyone else does – as if I don't already know that.) When he eventually tired of his tirade he found me outside and started complaining that no one does anything25)? It's not fair to expect Zach to do chores because he works so much. (His choice. I'm sure he does it to avoid having to be here.) How can he expect Zach to help out around here when he has so much laundry to do? (Um, Put a load in and do something productive while it washes?) He's stressed because he “works all day” (5-6 hours/day) then comes home and has to work on stuff. (Projects that I can't really help with. Right now he has a trench dug in the backyard to replace a septic pipe. It looks like a grave.) Then he doesn't get to do fun things that he likes. If he does something with me, then his work here gets backlogged. (I get it. Daily life and projects backing up can be stressful. But that's life. I think they call it “adulting.”) He started accusing Madeline of doing “nothing” around here. He frequently forgets that her chores get done daily (trash, feed cats, litter, keep the kitchen clean), claims she hadn't done them in several days, or accuses me of doing them for her (which I do – ONLY when she's in school all day and working until 9:30 p.m.). I told him there's a lot of things that get done that he simply doesn't notice, and that I've been giving her extra tasks since school is out (cleaned the bathroom, helped me weed the garden – properly – swept the mudroom, whatever I can find). He got mad that Zach mowed the lawn and she didn't trim the edges. I told him I forgot that we had agreed to that arrangement (an entire year ago) and would have appreciated a reminder so I could have her do it. He accused her of sleeping until 9 or 10 every morning, then sitting around all day, and rushing out of the house before he gets home. Clearly he doesn't see that I make sure she's up by 7:00 a.m. every day of the week, that her chores are done by 9:00, that she's doing hours of summer school work every day, and when she's not doing chores, summer school, at her job, or exercising, I'm keeping her busy with other tasks – like cleaning or following up on job applications. So this morning I told her every day she has to do 2 extra tasks. I will keep a log and take before and after pictures – for the next time he decides to accuse her of doing “nothing.” Why does it have to be like this? I shouldn't have to report to him. He also accused Madeline of telling people that he's abusive. Lectured me about how this is a small community and while he doesn't know the source, it “got back to him.” It was all I could do not to inform him that if he's so concerned about his reputation in this community, perhaps he should conduct himself like the person he wants people to believe he is – even (especially) in his own home. It could have easily been a neighbor overhearing something – there's been plenty of opportunities. Our arguments aren't exactly quiet, and when the wind blows, sound travels. I also did call him rude, disrespectful, and abusive in a recent argument on the back patio (in response to the slurs and insults he was hurling at me). He accused Madeline of being the reason for my anxiety. I told him his temper causes my anxiety. He told me that while he was working yesterday he got this sudden feeling of dread that I was packing up my stuff and leaving him. I just looked at him. Said it was an awful feeling. I told him I can imagine it would be. I wanted to tell him that's exactly what will happen if he doesn't stop telling me to leave. Learn to reign in his temper. Thankfully, he managed to calm down before getting to the name-calling and throwing me out of HIS house part. There's still time to revisit that. That was only Day 1. It was nice to go to bed not mad at each other. I had a massive headache through the entire ordeal.

I woke up at 4 a.m. with severe pelvic pain. It started to scare me when it wouldn't go away. I have a history of ovarian cysts, but that hasn't happened since I was a teenager – which then lead me to wonder if it could be an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully, it eventually subsided. When I told him about it this morning his response was to talk about some article he was reading on Fox News. I guess a school board meeting in a random state he's never been to is more important.

6/22/21 Garrett said he didn't sleep well. Said when he (finally) went to bed he laid awake for 2 hours. When I asked why, he said anxiety. Ahh, the power of suggestion. Mine went unnoticed for over a week. When he finally caught on, he adopted it for himself. Just great. Difference is, he incapable of (or refuses to) controlling his temper when his “anxiety” kicks in. He feeds into it, works himself up, until he's in a full-blown rage. He was doing that slow tap with his feet this morning. Next will be face in his fists staring down into the ground or frowning off into space until he finds something to start complaining about. He was mad at the dogs this morning for their usual antics. As if he just now noticed they're hyper and noisy. It doesn't ever occur to him that I deal with them all day every day. Can't walk anywhere without tripping over someone or getting knocked in the knees while they tear through the house playing. Can't sit down without two dogs jumping on me and getting in my face. I love them, but it's nonstop and therefore obnoxious. But let him hear a cat meow from the other room ... just once ... and he's shouting. I got my bike fixed yesterday. Going to try to get out for a ride today. Hopefully that will help my anxiety a bit ... at least until he gets home. My breasts are sore today. So I guess we can expect some hormonal changes over the next few days.

Well, he's starting again. We were sitting outside after work chatting for a while. I was sitting in the sun and uncomfortably hot so I went inside. He stayed outside. Several minutes later he came in and walked straight to the bedroom. Few minutes after that he comes out, having showered, and announces “I'm gonna go eat. If you want to come with me you can.” I asked what's wrong. He replied “nothing, I'm just gonna go eat ” I pointed out that it's not normal for him to just announce he's going to eat. I told him it seems he's mad at me for going inside. He disappeared into the garage for a few minutes, then cam back. “You coming?” I declined, because it didn't seem like he actually wanted my company and I could sense his mood shift (I didn't say that). He left and drove away much faster than normal. Just like that the anxiety is back in full swing.

6/21/21 Decided to go for a bike ride today. First time in weeks. Only to discover that someone moved my bike. Right on top of a board with a nail sticking out. Garrett immediately blamed Madeline. Madeline says she hasn't touched it. I'm pretty sure it got moved out of the way to make room for the boat and Jeep. It was just kind of laying on something like it got tossed aside rather than propped up like I usually leave it. Zach felt bad because he moved the bikes and thought it may have been him. Offered to pay for the repair. I declined because I don't know for sure who it was. Garrett is adamant it was Madeline. Garrett had a frustrating day at work today. Fell asleep on the couch tonight. Between that and the bike thing, I'll be lucky to get to the end of the week without a tantrum.

6/20/21 (Father's Day)

That last fight lasted only 2 days. Yes, I said only. A couple days later Madeline started her period. A couple days after that he wanted to talk about setting a wedding date. Last few days he's been wanting sex. Insisted last night while I was sleeping. Today he's tired, napping a lot, and has started watching Fox News again. It's probably just a matter of days. My anxiety has been through the roof this past week. I catch myself pacing the house but can't seem to focus enough to get anything constructive done. My heart races for no reason. I'm once again relying on meds to get my IBS under control. Some days it feels like every nerve in my body is on fire, to the point where I'm physically shaking. I've had this pit in my stomach that won't go away. I'm starting to wonder if I have an ulcer. I tried taking Madeline driving twice, but can't make it more than a mile before the anxiety overwhelms me and she has to pull over to let me drive. The phantom smells have returned. I can be anywhere, doing anything and suddenly will smell smoke – but nothing is burning. That hasn't happened since I started working from home at the beginning of the pandemic .. if not longer. But it's back, and happened several times today. A few times I thought I would start stammering again. I can feel my brain glitching and my tongue struggling to form words. That's another thing that was happening back when I worked in the office and was stressed literally beyond words. I've thought about seeing a doctor for anxiety meds. It's not right. I shouldn't have to medicate to feel normal. Also, I need to be lucid. I'm preparing to leave the next time he tells me to. I want to tell him. Deep down I still hope he will realize what he's doing to me and stop, so we can be happy together. But he's made it very clear he will never stop. I'm also terrified to bring up the subject. Bad timing, one wrong word, any misunderstanding and he will snap right back into it – using his temper and his words as weapons against me. I can't continue to live like this.

I got him a card and gift for Father's Day. (Two gifts, actually, because the first one I bought weeks ago and gave him right away – I just can't seem to hold onto gifts.) He was very appreciative. I don't think Zach even told him Happy Father's Day, and I didn't hear either of them wishing his dad or brother in law a happy father's day. I guess this family just doesn't give a shit about things like that. We went out for breakfast with his family. His parents, Dana and the kids (Stacy was working), and Zach. Tori is out of town. Madeline just simply wasn't invited. She went to church with a friend and celebrated Father's Day with her friend's family. No one even seemed to notice that she was excluded from a family event. It was refreshing watching the other teens interact. Having a good time, goofing off, chatting, enjoying each others' company. No one trying to act like they're better than anyone else. Of course they're not perfect, but it was nice to observe a family acting normal and relaxed in each others' company. The restaurant was busy and too loud to hear conversation. The food took an hour to arrive. Zach immediately started complaining about his food – even though he wasn't even hungry because he stayed out until 4 a.m. Nobody responded, so he started up again in the car when his dad could hear him. I don't think he even notices that he does it. Complaining is just habit for those two.

May & June

5/2/21 He's still talking about setting a date. Early July. Maybe the third? I'm going to have to be blunt with him – which will make him angry, and hen he'll do it again. He doesn't need any reasons. I spend my waking hours trying desperately to prevent situations that could lead to an outburst. I can't stop thinking about how it will go down. We'll set a date. Pick a spot. Make a bunch of plans. Spend a bund of (MY) money, fly in my parents, and maybe a couple friends. Then 2-3 days before the Big Day he'll get stressed. We'll fight. And he'll call it off.

5/5/21 The truck is “almost done.” I've been hearing those words for several weeks, but this time I'm starting to believe it. Garrett was going to drive it to work yesterday but it wouldn't shift out of first gear. Zach had the day off work so he decided to paint the bedliner as a surprise for him. I thought it was a great idea and helped him. Zach was worried that he wouldn't notice. Deep down, I was more concerned that he would find a way to get angry about it. Complain that it wasn't done right or that it didn't get finished (the paint took too long to dry so we only got one coat on). I was braced to intervene if he started berating Zach. Much to my relief, that didn't happen. When he got home he noticed right away and was very appreciative. Then started try8ing to figure out the shifting/electrical issues. I got really irritated with Garrett last night. I ran out to pick up Madeline from practice and grab stuff for dinner. When I got home just before 5:00 he was nowhere to be found. I figured he had run out to the store and started prepping dinner. I was hungry. 30 minutes later I still hadn't seen or heard from him. I stuck my head in the garage and he and Zach were in there working on the truck as if he had been in there the whole time. Didn't even look up or say hello. A few minutes later he finally came inside. I asked how hungry he was. “Not very. Maybe an hour.” Great. I was starving, but I waited. “This shouldn't take long.” Dinner wouldn't take long to cook, so I decided to wait until he was ready to eat instead of cooking then letting it get cold waiting for him. 7:30 rolls around and he's still in the garage. I'm so hungry I'm weak. Now I'm pissed. I'm realizing that not only does he EXPECT me to feed him, he expects it on his (very unpredictable) timeline – with no regard for how it affects others. I don't dare eat without him – that would make him angry. I'm expected to wait – hungry – until he's ready to eat. And now I'm realizing just how often this happens. When we started dating he claimed he loved to cook meals together. Turns out that's just a really good line to use on a woman. He rarely cooks and never helps me. He would rather hid in the garage or blatantly sit on the couch watching TV while I cook. Never even offers. A few weeks ago I tried to involve him by asking him to make garlic bread, and he got snippy with me. I feel like I'm expected to be a typical 50s housewife – cook, clean, pull weeds, take care of the pets, do all the grocery shopping. But also work a full time job and pay half the bills. But don't let those job responsibilities interfere with any of the things he wants to do, whenever he wants to do them! The word “selfish” is still resonating through my head. Like a huge bell that won't stop ringing. Every time I o something I wonder “would a selfish person do this?” Feed him. Clean his house. Take care of his dogs and his yard. Help him with his projects whenever I can. Let him vent. Listen to him complain, while staying quiet about the things that bother me. Wait patiently for him to have time for me – it could be months. Only for him to act like it's a chore and tell me he didn't actually want to spend that time with me. There are plenty of other women in this town. I wonder if those women would give up their lives to do what I do? I doubt it. No friends. No family. Live in a strange place where you know no one, but he seems to know everyone. Can't go certain places, but don't really know why. Hesitant to venture out and meet people because what if he already knows them? Scared to make friends because he probably won't like them and will use them to start fights. I miss the anonymity of a new town. But here I feel like I'm being watched almost everywhere I go. Like they know who I am, but I'm oblivious. I see the same cars all over town, but I don't know who they are. Last summer we bumped into his ex at Sobelman's. He didn't tell me until months later. After taking me to her church several times. I remember specifically feeling like I was being stared at, but I couldn't figure out why. She used to live in this house. She still gets mail here. I found her earring in my closet and her initials on the laundry room table. Turns out now she lives in the next town over. Right next to Madeline's school and work. And the grocery store where I do my shopping. And the bike trail I ride every day. I'm sure she knows what car I drive. I know she knows my face – as do her friends. I am definitely being watched. I remember that waitress acting really odd. I wish he would just tell me when he bumps into people he knows. Maybe I wouldn't feel like I have to look over my shoulder every time I leave the house. Or maybe it was the other ex we bumped into. I don't know because I didn't specifically look at her. He didn't point her out at the time and didn't say which one when he told me. He just said “my ex” – as if there was only one since the wife. When he finally admitted there was another one he got angry. Accused Tori of telling me about her. He apparently has no idea how public records work. He referred to her as “the one in Arizona” and told me a story about her not allowing his kids to sit on her couch but letting her son sleep on it. He failed to mention that they were together several years – much longer than he and Steph, who he mentions often. Or that she moved to Wisconsin with him. Or that SHE'S FROM TUCSON! I felt like such a fool then I realized I'm the THIRD woman to move from AZ to WI for him (first was Sheryl, but they moved back to AZ). No wonder I feel like I'm being watched. Are there more ?? Sometimes I wonder if he still loves her. He only talks about the ones he hates. I found a birthday card from her declaring her undying love. I'm pretty sure she was with him on that guided fishing trip in Onalaska he won't stop talking about. He keeps dragging me there because they caught soooo many fish that one time. But refuses to book the guide with me. Claims the guy won't call him back. I wonder if it's because he's worried the guide will remember Tina and ask about her? He refuses to take me to Finns. Claims it's because of the type of people that hang out there. By “people” does he mean Steph? It's right by her house. If he would just be open with me I would understand. But instead I have to wonder. And wondering makes me suspicious, which makes me dig deeper. I'm pretty sure he hasn't showered since Sunday. I know this because the last 2 days when I showered it was exactly how I left it. He leaves the shower diverter up and a puddle in the tub (it's old and caved in). I noticed this a week or 2 ago as well. How do I bring it up without making him angry? Several months ago I commented that he had let himself go – meaning hygiene. HE had stopped grooming, shaving, brushing his teeth, wearing cologne, etc. He got offended, took it as me calling him fat. What's odd is even though he does physical, dirty work outside, he rarely stinks when he gets home. And I ALWAYS know when he forgets deodorant. Is he showering somewhere else? A few times he's told me he had a few beers with Keith after work. But I don't recall smelling beer on him. My nose is pretty sensitive. Am I losing my mind? Or just suspicious because of his comment about finding a man that gets a blowjob before coming home from work? When he plowed snow over the winter I never knew how long it would take. Sometimes 4 hours, sometimes 13. He's lasting longer in bed, which usually happens when guys have sex often. We don't. He's also rarely interested and tends to pick a fight a few days after we do – especially if it's good for me. A few times I developed a gross infection-like smell after sex with him. Takes a while to get rid of and makes me self conscious. A result of poor hygiene on his part? Or something else?? Either way, not showering daily is gross. Today he sent me a text to let me know he's having a beer before coming home. First time he's ever given me a heads up. 5:00 p.m. Home 5:30.

5/6/21 Told him I'm taking Madeline to dinner for her birthday tonight. Jut the 2 of us. So far he hasn't gotten mad, but there's no statute of limitations on this stuff. Showered and got a haircut last night. Concrete not being delivered until 2:00, so he doesn't know when he'll be home. Nearly broke down in Target yesterday looking for a Mother's Day car for my mom. This is the hardest day of the year for me. I warned him last year. Told him I wanted to go off the grid. Somewhere so I wouldn't have to see all the appreciated moms being celebrated. He told me he would take care of it. Not to worry. But he made no plans. We ended up staying at the KOA where his trailer was parked – just like every other weekend. At dinner he started complaining about Madeline, which led to him pointing out all my failures as a mother and ended with me crying. On Mother's Day. A week or 2 ago he told me we were going away for the weekend because last year he “got in trouble.” Now he's flip-flopping because it's Madeline's birthday weekend and prom weekend. I've already told him we'll do her birthday with friends another weekend and her prom plans are sorted out. He mentioned going to Door County, which I've been wanting to do, but I'm pretty sure he's made no plans. He claimed he planned to take me to Door County for my birthday in November, but had to cancel them because I left him a few days before. I don't believe for one moment that he made any actual reservations or arrangements. I believe he thought about it and told me he made plans to make me feel guilty. I left because he wouldn't stop telling me to leave. And calling me names. I didn't want to be disappointed. I couldn't bear the thought of fighting, name-calling, and getting thrown out on my birthday. I wanted to be HOME. Now I don't even have that option. I had a dream about Stephanie last night. We were at an event and became friends – or at least friendly. I feel tormented. I can't even get a break when I sleep. He called me sweetheart this morning. I can't remember the last time he said that to me. Sent me a link to an AirBnb in Door County. $25/night x2 nights. Beautiful place on Lake Michigan. But now I'm hesitant. I told him I don't want to do anything that will cause stress. He asked what I mean. I told him I don't know because I didn't want to make him angry. Truth is, I don't want to do anything that will get brought up in a future fight. Last time we went away he later told me he didn't even want to go. And then he told me we won't be doing anything until his truck is done. I know he meant that because he said it a few different times. His truck isn't done yet. Probably at least another week. I don't know what to do. Either way I'll hear about it later in a fight. He'll yell about spending money and time away from his truck. Or he'll yell about me not wanting to go away and then being sad on Mother's Day. I wish he would just take care of it and surprise me.

5/7/22 It's been 3 weeks. Madeline had cramps last night ... 3-day warning. Looks like we're not going anywhere this weekend. He asked if I would rather do another weekend. I told him maybe once his truck is done. Instead we're going to grill out tonight and probably sleep in the trailer.

5/10/21 We made it through Mother's Day without any fights or complaining about Madeline. It was actually a pretty nice day. He also go time nothing. No card. No flowers. Nothing. Reminds me of the fight we had after his birthday. He got mad that I didn't get him a birthday card. Never mind that we were quarantined, so I couldn't leave the house to get him one. Never mind that I did get him a gift. Never mind that I didn't get a card OR a gift for my birthday. He also refused to get his mom a card or flowers. Said it would be “out of character.” I guess I'll just have to accept that he will never do anything nice for me. Because it's not in his character to be caring, loving, or giving. For Valentine's Day I made a trip into Waukesha in a snow storm to get him chocolate-covered strawberries from a specialty shop there, because I know he loves them. I got nothing. Selfish. I got a test from Tori, but Zach never told me Happy Mother's Day. I don't care except it shows he was never taught to be thoughtful. He probably didn't even call his mom. Neither of them wished Madeline a happy birthday.

It has started.

5/11/21 Called it. He started by calling me antisocial for laying on the bed while he was watching Fox News in the living room. Then he started ranting about Madeline not doing the dishes or taking out the trash. Called me a liar and accused me of defending her when I told him she did take out the trash (only one of the 2 bags). Claimed the bag in the bin outside had been there for days. That stupid little issue escalated into a tirade that lasted past 2 a.m. I did my best to keep my mouth shut and not fall into his trap, but I had to speak up when he accused me of having an issue with Zach. As always, he found the right button to push. Once again he dragged his son into it. “Liar” “Little bitch” (her) “Skippy” Said he would drag her into the backyard and beat the crap out of her so she would have a reason to be afraid of him. “Narcissist” “Swinging from your titty” Told me he won't have sex facing each other because he can't stand to look into my eyes. Once again blamed her for our intimacy issues. Says Zach hates her and doesn't like me. “You are raising a monster.” Excused Zach from doing his chores because he helped with the truck. “If I were you I'd hate Mother's Day too.” “Asshole kid not doing a fucking thing around here.” Praised Zach for mowing the lawn last week (true) and putting out the trash on trash day (lie – I've been doing it – AND I'm still picking up dog shit). As predicted, blamed me for nothing going away this weekend. Claims my weekend was book. She had it consumed. Refused to acknowledge that the ONLY thing I did for her was drop her at work Saturday morning and pick her up Sunday night. Those 2 ride could have easily been arranged. Refuses to explain why his issues with her ALWAYS have to result in him intentionally hurting me. His son can do no wrong. My daughter can do no right. Just when I was starting to think there was hope – thought just MAYBE he listened to that sermon and was trying to control his temper – he goes and does it again. He's still at it this morning. 2 more days. P.S. I started spotting within minutes of him starting up. He really needs to get his hormones checked. “Fuck off” “Your know-it-all asshole opinions” “What exactly did you teach your fucking creep?” “You must have set quite the example of a perfect woman, so much your creepy kid doesn't want to be one.” He told me last night I should have had an abortion. (Referring to Madeline)

5/12/21 Day 3 He put his hands on me last night. This after the obligatory name-calling and telling me to leave. It started with getting in my face, blocking me. He then pushed past me, turned to face me, and shoved me – hands on my shoulder and throat. Knocked my glasses to the ground. I saw him clench his fists and flinch as if he was going to hit me, but stopped himself. No marks. My right shoulder hurts today. The bruise on my arm from a few weeks ago is faint now. I'm pretty sure it's from being grabbed when he took my phone and stomped on it. It was a perfect circle and deep, like from a thumb. I all happens so fast. Things are a little calmer today. He is finally able to speak rationally. He told me it went too far last night. It crossed a line. I told him my line is drawn much sooner than that. My line is name-calling and “leave” games. I am such a fool for ever putting up with that. Even once. I busted my ass for years to become independent, self-sufficient, indebted to no one. Now I'm stuck. I have no place to go. No home of my own anymore. No job. No friends or family within thousands of miles. All the things leading up to putting me in this position. I'm sure he did them intentionally. To give him control over me. Makes him feel powerful. Now, when he tells me to leave it is scary, because we both know I Have to place to go. So safe place. I can't leave. That's exactly what he wants. I would literally be homeless, living in my car. No one will rent to someone without a job. This is why he attacked my job so much. Interrupted me at work. Pressured me to move here, knowing eventually it would result in losing my job. I need to find a new one. It's taking too long. Problem is I STILL don't have a quiet (SAFE) space to work. He apologized for calling me names. What can I say that won't make him mad again? I want to say it's okay, I'm getting used to it (I am). I want to tell him I want to know why so I can help him. But he has to want help. Instead I tell him “I supposed I'm okay with being called queen, though sweetheart was my favorite.” He responded I hated that word. I told him it's better than the other ones. At least it was meant as a compliment. I apologized for ever telling him not to say it. It's true that I'm getting used to it. Desensitized. I haven't cried during a fight in a long time. Even though they keep getting worse. Not since that time I shattered. Broke down and ugly cried/sobbed for over an hour. I think it's satisfying for him when I cry. It shows him he accomplished his goal of hurting me. Though that time I thought he actually cared. He held me. Tried to console me. I just wish I could figure out how to refrain from responding. Not feed into it, give him something to attack. It just fuels his anger.

5/13/21 And he's back. The cycle is complete. The emotional whip-lash has my head spinning. Yesterday after work he was finally capable of having a calm(er) conversation. Though he still won't address his behavior. Keeps turning the conversation back to Madeline. He thinks I don't correct her, because he never sees it. He wants me to “lose my shit” on her. He wants me to “punish” her. (I learned long ago the vast difference between punishment and discipline, and I've told him as much many times). I choose to parent with love, calmness, and a level head. Correct with kindness – and, yes, with consequences – but not cruel ones. He wants me to be harsh. I just now realized he expects me to abuse her. I won't do it. I don't care how angry he gets, I will not intentionally or knowingly harm my daughter. I I will not allow myself to become like him.

5/19/21 He's at it again. This is the shortest break between fights. He started to go into anger mode over the weekend and pulled himself together. Then yesterday I had the nerve to get upset about the electricity bill. He just lost it. Of course he blames Madeline, which led to a bitch fest about everyone not pitching in. He slammed the bedroom door so hard a picture fell off the wall and knocked stuff off my dresser. Left it there until I fixed it today. This morning I asked him who was responsible for cleaning up the kitchen. His mess from last night's dinner was still everywhere. Trash/wrappers on the counter, two pots – one with burnt stuff and one with beans still in it. Just mess everywhere. If Madeline did that he would lose it. But I guess it's okay for him to. He threw the biggest hissy fit that I asked him (very nicely) to clean it up. Like a little boy throwing a temper tantrum. Banging stuff around. Left drawers/cabinets open. Threw a handful of silverware into the drawer and tried to slam it shut, but a fork got caught. I took a picture because I just couldn't believe it. I'm just sick of being treated like a house maid He throws his fits so I'm too scared to bring it up. I asked him to throw his cookie wrapper away. It was on the edge of the counter right next to the trash cans. MAYBE 2 feet away. My trash cans have expensive motion sensor lids. He slammed/punched the lid shut so hard he broke it. I believe at the hinge. I know he won't be fixing or replacing it. None of the usual name-calling this time, though he did call me a “pig.” Rings are off. He claims he won't be changing his mind this time. I still don't have a job. My resume is under construction with a career coach. I have nowhere to go. That's exactly what he wants. I need to reach out to someone for help. Who? I'm terrified of him. Half expected him to reach out and grab me outside when my back was turned. That's not too far off ...

5/20/21 He's still going. All day long. The text messages won't stop. He says it's over, but wants to continue arguing.

6/2/21 That last one completely derailed me. It lasted FOUR days – a new record. Called a “family meeting” on Day 3. Stayed calm because Zach was there, but most of it was focused on Madeline's faults. Acted like he was done, but got mad again the next day. Insisted I put my ring back on a few days later – as we were leaving to see his parents. I've been too worn down to do any of my usual things. Write. Ride. Exercise. I've been doing Noom and HAD been doing really well. But that all stopped. My sister visited over the weekend. I had put off confirming plans because of the fights. But he pulled himself together and we had a nice time. They were none the wiser. Wasn't able to really talk to her because someone was always around. Sounds like she's dealing with similar issues at home. I wish she lived closer. He's been better lately. Sweet and loving. Keeping his temper in check – even when the trailer flooded. Wants sex. Took me to get chickens and built a sturdy pen for them. One got away. I could sense him starting to lose it after 3 days of chasing it. Ruger ate the leftover burger and brats off the counter last night. He was planning to take them to work today. I could see him trying to find a way to blame Madeline. He's been questioning her work schedule again. So far he hasn't started another complaining marathon. Not sure if he's checking himself or just letting it build for a big one. Time will tell. He told her (in that family meeting) he doesn't want her at our wedding. I guess he still thinks there will be one, despite his behavior. Or maybe he's really trying to be better this time. We'll see how long it lasts. He's been testing my boundaries with porn lately. He knows I hate porn. I'll never forget its role in the abuse in my first marriage. The other night we stayed in the camper. I fell asleep watching TV. He woke me up to go to bed. Then started jacking off next to me. He knows I hate that too. It's another thing Paul used to do – just before he started raping me. After a few minutes of jacking off he started touching/grabbing me and talking to me. I asked him to stop. Then he got on top of me. I panicked inside, but stifled it because I didn't want to start a fight. That triggered flashbacks. Woke up a part of me I thought was dead long ago. Of course, then I couldn't sleep. He has no idea. There's no sense in trying to open up about something that deep to someone that doesn't care. Wouldn't even try to understand. I don't talk about my experiences with rape. I've only told a couple people, and never details other than it has happened to me. The two times it came up in conversation with Garrett (explaining emotional and physical scarring) he brushed it off and changed the subject. He doesn't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal to him. He was on a “men vs women” rant the other day – one of those bordering on misogyny – and he actually said “women rape men just as much as men rape women.” I think he actually believes that! Or he has no clue what rape actually is. He definitely has no idea just how many women it happens to. Nobody does, because most don't get reported – because the last thing a rape victim needs is to be interrogated, disbelieved, violated again, and forced to relive her trauma. Garrett is one of those that believes if you don't report it, it didn't happen – and if you DO report it, you most likely made it up. He has always been very respectful sexually – until he started pushing my boundaries with porn. The incident the other night was the first time I have ever felt unsafe (sexually) with him. Now my guard is up. I have an even harder time enjoying it. He has no idea, nor does he care to know.

6/7/21 He's starting again ...

6/8/21 I am her mother. There is nothing he can ever say or do that will change that. He may have succeeded in taking Sheryl's children from their mother – even managed to make one of them despise her. But he will NEVER do that to mine. She needs me now more than ever.

6/9/21 Today is a down day. No reason, because he's decided to switch back to cheery mode. But I don't dare breathe a sigh of relief or (God forbid) show any sign of relaxing. My nerves are on fire at all times. This cycle is fucking brutal. I just want to drink and cry all day. But of course that would put him in a mood. I need a beach.

6/9/21 (evening) He found a tiny sliver of opportunity and pounced on it. Madeline came home and said she had been recommended to be a student counselor over the summer, making $8/hr. Garrett took me outside and informed me she would not be doing that. He wants her working 40 hours a week on top of the summer school she has to do. I asked if I get a say, and he got angry. Stormed inside and informed Madeline of his demands. I told him he's undermining my authority as her mother and he went ballistic. So once again he's back to name-calling and throwing me out. At once point, while I was sitting in a chair on the balcony, he got up and came at me, looming over me. I thought he was going to grab me or hit me. Instead he grabbed my cigarettes off the grill right next to me.

APRIL

4/16/21 “I don't want your money” “Don't do my laundry” “Don't clean up the dog poop” “I didn't want to go fishing with you” “Asshole” “Bitch” “Cunt” (about Madeline this time) “Narcissist” “Pack your shit and get the fuck out” “Liar” “You're selfish” Compared me to Stephanie and her “rules.” Refuses to see all the rules are set by him. Any rules I set he overrides or undermines. “Fuck off” No longer wants Madeline's schedule on the refrigerator – doesn't want to see it. Ripped the calendar off the fridge. She can work 2 nights a week. Informed me Zach is doing his laundry tomorrow (Saturday is Madeline's laundry day and he gets angry if she doesn't get hers done)

4/17/21 Snatched my phone out of my hand threw it on the floor & stomped on it. Said Zach is looking for an apartment. “Fat ass” It's getting worse. He's now going from pleasant conversation to shouting to name-calling to telling me to leave in record time. He's no longer trying to hide the shouting and name-calling from the kids. I honestly thought he was going to hit me this morning when he reached for my phone. I have no doubt that one day he will if he doesn't learn to control his anger – SOON! Some days I wonder if the only reason he hasn't yet is because his son lives with us. I feel trapped in this house. I have no friends here. No family. No job. No way of getting out of the house. He talks about me to his friends and family. They think I'm a monster. Talk trash about Madeline. He had Zach change the Wi-Fi password today. He took his ring off and threw it on the counter, then put it next to the bathroom sink so I took it. I'm still wearing mine.

4/18/21 Apologized for calling me names and calling me fat. Said he will have Zach change the Wi-Fi back. Said he will take my phone in to have the screen fixed. I hate that the IBS flares up whenever we fight. It'll probably take a week to get it back under control. Bruise on my arm. Yesterday my left eye socket hurt. Not sure what that's about. Asked for his ring back. Tori was over after taking Madeline driving. Got to talking about politics. He got pissed and stormed off. Tired all the time – another reason I think he has low T.

4/19/21 I didn't do any of the things I planned this weekend. The fight consumed everything. A bike ride, buy hiking boots, Madeline and I both desperately need haircuts. But I don't dare do anything with her, for fear that it will make him angry. He hates her. Doesn't matter what either of us do, he just accuses her of putting on a show and me of coddling her. The dogs hate when we fight. Winnie especially, because she's been around longer. She worries about me. Tries to comfort me. Zach just changed the Wi-Fi password back. But he's been hiding in his room again. It will take a while for the awkward tension to ease. His parents came over for lunch yesterday. We all pretended to act normal, but I know he's said things about me to them. I just don't know how awful. When he's angry he tells me “everyone” tells him to let me go. I ask if they know the whole story or just his version. Of course I know the answer to that. He called me a cunt Saturday as I was leaving to buy him cigarettes. I always do his laundry. This weekend he made a point to do his and left mine piled up. I couldn't do mine because everyone else was doing theirs. He still hasn't put his away. It's a daily struggle to be the better person and not stoop to his level. Some times I slip, and then I regret it. He knows exactly how to push my buttons. He then gets outraged when I stand up for myself. It's like he expects me to just bend over and take it. He also gets mad when I don't respond – pushes harder until I do. Like an attacker inflicting pain until they get the satisfaction of a scream. I think he gets a thrill out of fighting. Makes him feel powerful. It destroys me.

I'm not the person I was a year and a half ago. I've completely lost myself.

4/20/21 I'm spotting today. I don't menstruate because of the IUD. But I do sometimes get symptoms (breast tenderness, pimples) when Madeline does. Garrett, on the other hand, seems to lose his mind with even the slightest fluctuation of hormones in this house. It's too soon and I had no warning, which is probably why this last spat threw me so hard. No chance to brace myself. I had her on depo to control her cycles, but she's overdue because I lost my health insurance with my job. ($1,400/mo for COBRA!!). Regardless, hormones don't justify abuse.

He's loving again. Trying to pick up where we left off. He doesn't seem to realize there's a lot of damage to repair. One step forward, two steps back. The dogs haven't eaten this morning because they ran out of food. I guess it's just taken for granted that I make sure their pets are taken care of. He finally told Zach to take Winnie to the vet to find out if she's pregnant. It's been almost 2 months. Of course neither dog is fixed because they don't take care of their pets and I don't have that decision-making authority. Ruger has never been to the vet or vaccinated. Winnie has chronic ear infections. I'm the only one in the house that consistently notices when it's bothering her. The only one that cleans her ears. Yet I get called “selfish.” Finally doing my laundry today. His is piling up. I wonder if he expects me to do it? Came across this quote last night: “If you wish to control others you must first control yourself” (in the context of leadership). I told him over the weekend his words are a reflection of HIS character – not mine. Looks like no one emptied the lint catcher this week. Lucky the house didn't catch fire. Garrett and Zach both have piles of clean laundry in the laundry room. That poor kid has never been taught how to clean. I shudder to think how his apartment will look/smell when he moves out. I hope he doesn't treat women like his dad does. I caved and bought dog food. It's not right to let them go hungry because their owners neglect them.

4/21/21 Garrett isn't feeling well. He has a cough and his sinuses are bothering him. He says he thinks he's getting sick. A guy he has been working with tested positive for Covid last week. Could this be another possible trigger to explain why he's been so cranky?

4/22/21 Selfish. The word keeps resonating through my head. I want to tattoo it on my arm or write it in sharpie on my bathroom mirror. I think about it every time I do something for someone else. Clean his house. Selfish. Fold his laundry. Selfish. Pick up dog poop. Pick up the coffee cups, clothes, and trash he leaves laying around. Send him money I don't owe him. Buy groceries. Pay the electricity bill ($400 again thanks to the 12 garage lights – 48 fluorescent bulbs – and air compressor almost always on) Take care of his dogs. Pack him a lunch. Rub his back. Satisfy him sexually while I go without. ALL SELFISH! I can't help myself. I hate living in a mess and I'm caring by nature. He keeps talking about doing something this weekend. Even though he told me several times we won't be doing anything until his truck is done. At least 2 weeks. For 6 weeks. Told me he didn't want to go fishing with me that weekend we did, and didn't want to go to Onalaska the other weekend. I spent $300 on an AirBnb and boat rental, plus another $300 on sexy lingerie – I was so excited! Waste of money. SELFISH. Unappreciated is probably the more accurate term.

4/26/21 Garrett got mad at Zach the other day. Spent quite a bit of time yelling at him. I did my best to stay out of earshot, but I did hear the word “bitch” and I heard him compare Zach to his sister and then his mom (ouch). Zach sounded like he was near tears. This is the first time (in a year and a half) that I've heard him yell at Zach the way he yells at me (and Madeline). Except it didn't last nearly as long. When I came home from picking up Madeline they were talking about sandpaper like nothing happened. Maybe that's why he expects me to bounce back immediately after a fight? I'm just now realizing I've stumbled in on a really fucked up family. There's no expectation of respect. The females appear to be held to a much higher standard, but if Zach shrugs something off that's okay. With Garrett things aren't right or wrong – they're right or justified. He loves to talk about his boundaries – yet he's pushed almost all of mine – more time than I can count. When I call him on it, or any of his other double standards, he justifies it. He has mentioned multiple times that he's really bothered by their argument. That's good. He seems to be realizing that his words and actions are really hurting other people. At the same time, I'm struggling to not take offense that he can't see that he's hurt me so much more deeply – and repeatedly. To borrow his words, it's a “slap in the face.” We went to church yesterday for the first time in ages. For once he didn't refuse when I suggested it. I thought maybe he was avoiding Riverglen because that's where he went with Steph (even though he insisted on going there early on) so I suggested the church Dan and Kathy have been going to. He opted for Riverglen. They are in the middle of a series on emotionally healthy relationships. This week's message was about listening. The pastor quoted James 1:19 multiple times “... be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Speak with respect and honesty. Don't interrupt or talk over the other person. Put yourself in their shoes. Me: “How are we supposed to move forward, plan a wedding, when you keep telling me to leave?” Him: “Madeline ...” Me: That doesn't justify calling me names” Him: “She ...” Me: “You're not listening to me” Him: “I hear every word you say” Me: “I'm trying to talk about us and you're talking about her” Him: “She's the reason for all our problems” (yelling)

“You're so full of hate!” Every once in a while he'll spew this at me. Usually in the height of his anger, after several hours of complaining/yelling about Madeline and calling me names. It's almost like he's yelling at his own demons, or projecting them onto me. For as long as I can remember, Garrett has been talking about finishing the basement. Build a bedroom, a sitting room, a bathroom, and maybe a small kitchenette. There is one walled in room that Zach used as a place to hang out, watch tv, play video games, play guitar. I used it for a while to work, but that caused problems. I think Zach was miffed about having to share his play room. It's a large room. I kept my desk in a corner, and usually only used it when he was at work or school (or sleeping in). Still, my stuff would get moved around. Once, when we were out of town, he moved my stuff out of the room – just piled it in the middle of the basement – so he could hang out with his friends. I try hard not to treat Zach like Garrett treats Madeline, so I didn't make a big deal of it. We have talked extensively about plans for the basement and privacy issues with Madeline's bedroom being right off the living room and right next to ours. I also struggle with working from home because I don't have a quiet place to work (or exercise). Zach talked Garrett into building him a huge bedroom in the basement (in what is currently storage). Madeline would take Zach's room to give us privacy, and I would use Madeline's room for an office and workout room. I've told Garrett several times I would pay for the materials and help h8im build it. I just need him to pick them up because I don't have a truck. Zach got excited and moved half of the storage stuff into the walled room. Now it's unusable. The whole basement is. There's just stuff everywhere. Recently, Garrett decided he's not going to do it. Told me several times during arguments. Why? Because he doesn't want to spend the money to build something that would benefit Madeline. Never mind that I told him I would pay for it. Or that I need a space of my own. I've actually been waiting to get a job thinking we could use this time to do that – instead he's been working on his truck. I STILL need a place to work! Never mind that this would be Zac's space – not mine or Madeline's – or that it would give us more privacy. Not to mention, it would substantially increase the value of his home. Honestly, the layout of this house is stupid. None of that matters. Everyone must suffer because he refuses to do anything that might slightly benefit her. Yesterday he told me he wants to get working on the permit to work on the basement. Why? Because Zach want to move down there. I guess it came up in their argument the other day. But he doesn't want to give Madeline Zach's room (which is bigger) ... because he doesn't want her to benefit from this in any way. So we will still have the privacy issue. So petty and stupid. He has admitted he hats her (New Years). I thought about renting her an apartment to get her away from him. But she's too young and they're pricey out here. Plus, he would get angry every time I go see her. Seriously, his hatred consumes him. I told him last week it would be stupid of me to pay for improvements to a home I don't own. Especially when he keeps threatening to throw me out. He agreed.

4/28/21 The IBS is slowly getting better. I still have to be careful in the mornings. He did his own laundry again over the weekend. Now it's in a big pile on the floor. (Have I mentioned that the carpet still reeks of dog piss? Guess I'll have to take care of that myself). I fell into the toilet yesterday because he left the seat up. This is a new thing since he got angry when Madeline said something about Zach dribbling on the seat and leaving it. His “Solution” (ie. vindication) was to tell Zach to leave the seat up (WTF?). And then he started doing it himself (seriously, WTF?!) He is actively teaching his son to be a terrible, disrespectful, vindictive partner. I don't know any woman that tolerates this. And I don't know any man that loves and respects his partner that does this. It's gross. Rude. He never used to do this. EVER. It's such a “simple” (his favorite word) thing, but it speaks volumes. I'm tempted to ask if all his women put up with this, or if I'm the first one he disrespects. Of course, that would make him angry. He caught himself finishing my sentence the other day. There's some progress. He commented last night that we need to set a wedding date and start planning. I just looked at him. Didn't know what to way without making him angry. I guess he didn't take me seriously 6 months ago when I told him I need at least 30 days without being told to leave to feel confident it has stopped and to start planning. I think his record was 35 days – but then he did it again. I guess he didn't believe me last week when I told him I won't marry a man that calls me names. Why would anyone? How can you plan a wedding when you're constantly on the verge of a break-up? How is a woman supposed to entrust her life to a man that repeatedly and intentionally hurts her? Every time he does it he resets the clock. Pushes the date back another 30-60 days. We want a small beach wedding. At this rate it won't happen this year either. It's already almost May.

4/29/21 The last week or so he's been very lovey with me. Hugging, kissing, holding me all night, wants sex in the morning. (Morning sex before I'm fully awake is difficult for me, and foreplay has become a thing of the past.) Yesterday morning he got what he wanted. Last night I felt his mood shift. He's distant. Won't touch me. Won't cuddle in bed. Borderline grouchy. Woke up early. Popped up out of bed and immediately got fully dressed. Made himself coffee and went into the garage and started sanding his truck. (He swore he was done and just waiting for paint). When he finally emerged he started interrogating me about Madeline's track schedule. I guess he got it in his head that she's not actually on the track team, she's just hanging out after school. So now I get to waste my time dealing with that. Today I have to spy on her at practice to prove that's what she's doing. He picks apart everything she does, hunting for something – anything – done wrong to feed his anger addiction. If he doesn't find anything he'll make something up. He WILL get his fix no matter what it takes. Looks like we're back on eggshells. Who am I kidding? I'm always on eggshells. Any little thing could trigger an episode. He once started a fight over me sitting on the couch. Said it was “out of character” and accused me of not wanting a real relationship. I was scared to sit on the couch for several months after that. I flinch every time the cats meow. He threw a tennis ball at Annie last night. Of course the dogs' antics don't bother him – because they're his. I guess we're back on a 2-week cycle. Zach still hasn't taken Winnie to the vet. The other day Zach informed Garrett that Nintendo switches can be modified (by changing settings) to act as a smart phone – to access apps, the internet browser, and social media. Zach put it in Garrett's head that Madeline has been doing that with hers – her Christmas present from me. Note: she now has a flip phone and her 2019 Christmas present – a Surface Pro for drawing – is still in my possession because he demands that she have no internet access whatsoever. I thought he was going to lose his shit when he found out she could access Google Maps from her flip phone. I swear his eyes went black. Anyway, he wouldn't believe me when I told him I'm pretty sure she has no idea how to do any of that. She's not tech savvy. Can't even cover her tracks when she does something. So the next day while she was at school I went through her switch. Of course I was right. No social media use. No apps other than games I had previously approved and YouTube (which is blocked from her school computer). Her YouTube history showed instructional videos on pole vaulting and sewing. So scandalous! I also confirmed the system settings were NOT changed to allow internet browser use. I set up parental controls, put the setting to preteen, and made sure none of those things can be accessed (even YouTube) to prevent any further accusations. Now she can only access 2 of her games. Such bullshit. Zach is an official member of Team Attack Madeline. I should mention that he regularly stays up all night playing video games online with his buddies, sleeps past 11:00 every day, and lies to his dad about where he is and what he's doing. Garrett, of course, is blind to it all. He's too distracted obsessing over Madeline.

4/30/21 “I love you. I'm the luckiest guy alive.”

His Favorites

“Boundaries” “Slap in the face” Name-calling (liar, narcissist, asshole, bitch, cunt, fag, tranny) Overreacting Getting rid of things when angry (pets, trying to make me get rid of my child) Bringing up the past Comparing me to exes Arguments last 2-3 days “I'm leaving / get out / it's over!” Pushing buttons until he gets a reaction, then latching on and turning it into a fight Complaining about Madeline until it turns into a fight – then turning it onto me Accuses me of defending her She's “swinging from [my] titty” or “sitting on [my] lap” Telling me I'm a failure as a mother Blames Madeline for everything – claims she's the only reason we fight “If it wasn't for her we wouldn't have any problems” Note: he complained/fought so much about my 3 kittens I got rid of them. Now he's trying to do the same with my 2 adult cats (yes, I had a lot of cats when we met. He was warned and claimed it didn't bother him. One of his earliest lies to me. He was probably already deciding what to change about me) Recently started trying to bring others (like Zach) into our fights to choose sides or validate him. However, he always twists the story to put himself in a favorable light. (I refuse to play along) Dec-Jan 2021 started talking about seeing other people when angry – “There are plenty of other women in this town!” – “You should find someone else, I will do the same” (NYE) – told me via text to find someone that “gets a blow job before coming home from work” (he still refuses to see anything wrong with this statement, even though his ex wife was cheating on him while he was a work) Only pays cash or makes me pay at the adult store – does he share a bank account with someone? Blames me for lack of sex, but then picks fights or falls asleep so we don't have sex “Fist bump relationship” Claims he's a Christian (to try to prove he's better?), but refuses to go to church, pray with me (strongly recommended by his life coach) or read his bible. His mood swings seem to coincide with our menstrual cycles. I suspect low testosterone – very moody/angry, more estrogen exposure than he's ever had before, seems depressed, he's 47, losing hair, tired all the time. He refuses to see a Dr. and is VERY angry that I suggested it. Also has libido issues. Comes quickly (never used to), goes soft, just not interested. He blames me and Madeline – stress? Gaslighting? Love-bombing? (early on) Often won't stop verbally attacking me until I'm crying/sobbing. I've literally begged for mercy several times – but still he will continue until he's had his fill. Note: I've never been a big crier, now it happens often Can't go 30 days without telling me to leave (summer/fall/sinter it was every 1-2 weeks) If someone else does something that upsets him he overreacts and takes it out on me. (game night) Cancels plans so we can fight Never wants to see (or complains about seeing) his family – yet insisted on moving back home to Wisconsin Alienated most of my friends Pressured me into moving to Wisconsin with him (I'm not the first!!) – I ended up selling my house in Arizona and losing my job. Almost immediately tried to throw me out. Jan-Feb I feared it would start to get physical. He started blocking me in doorways with his body, acted like he would body check me, slam or throw open doors, tried to snatch my cat out of my hands. Becomes irritable watching Fox News, but refuses to limit exposure. (I always know a fight is looming when he starts turning on Fox) Slamming doors Stomping around “Selfish” “Lib” or “Libtard”