Shattered

Monday 8/16/21 Talked with Scott. I told him I don’t like the person I become when we fight. This is not who I am, and this is not who I want to be. I am not proud of myself, I am ashamed. I feel like he brings out the worst in me. He asked me to describe myself when I get this way. I told him I feel like sometimes I stoop to his level. It wasn’t always this way. Early on I was good about staying calm. But when that didn’t work I started to change. Like I was taking on his darkness, adopting his demons as my own, and starting to act just like him. I told him about yelling … I hate to yell. I told him that I got frustrated and threw my phone the other day, breaking it. This is not acceptable. Phones are expensive. We all stopped doing that in the early 2000s when we got rid of our flip phones. This behavior is not acceptable for me. I told him I also need some comping techniques to help me not engage in the arguments. It ruins my whole day, I can’t concentrate on anything.

1. There is a reason for everything we do and don’t do. Identify the BEST reason.
2. Take a time out
3. Keep a journal
4. Write tools, things we talk about, things that happened, what I did, and the results
5. Pray about it

What if he refuses a time out? 1. Ask for a time out 2. Repeat once 3. Let him know I will hang up or go into another room 4. If he follows, leave

Scott relayed from Garrett: Not living together is not because he hates Madeline, but because of my moods when I get upset at Madeline. He feels like I turn to him to pick me up when I’m down, and it’s too much responsibility for him. I told Scott I feel like he looks too far into things. A lot of times I just need to vent, but get accused of complaining. I told him I need someone I can talk to. Garrett has told me I’m not allowed to vent to him about this subject. But isn’t this what partners are supposed to do? If I don’t have him to vent to, I have no one. Scott agreed venting (in moderation) is healthy. Otherwise we just bottle it up inside.

1. Tell him I need to vent. “Hey, I just need to vent. I don’t expect you to fix me, lift me up, etc. I just need you to listen for about 5 minutes. Is that okay?”
2. When I find myself needing more from him, (feeling down/depressed, etc.) go to God first. Ask God to let me feel his love. God wants to be our first go-to.
3. Keep a journal
4. Write down what expectations I have of Garrett. And the reactions.

What’s the good reason? When I feel like I’m not being heard, or my needs don’t matter, it puts me in a childlike place. This causes a person to either shut down or become reactive. Instead:

1. Try a time out
2. Pray about it
3. Come back to it
4. OR … agree to not discuss it until we can discuss it with Scott together
5. Explain to Garrett what I’m doing/needing and why.

***

Monday 8/16/21 Already we’re in an argument. Garrett was in a snippy mood tonight. He’s irritated because I stopped by today to pick up some stuff out of the freezer and pantry – all things I had purchased over the months. I didn’t take anything that I, personally, didn’t buy. I didn’t clean him out. I was very careful to take mostly things he/they don’t even use, and the things that they did use, I at least left some there for them. I guess he expected me to leave everything for them to enjoy and just re-purchase it for myself. He said he thought some of the stuff was purchased as part of our “living agreement”. (We had no living agreement. Never once sat down and worked out finances. I simply started pitching in, took over the electricity bill, once the house sold I started paying him rent. Somewhere along the line I ended up doing all of the grocery shopping. He just simply wouldn’t do it. So as we needed things I took it upon myself to buy them.)

Yesterday afternoon we went fishing. When we got back, Zach was outside grilling the chicken breasts that Garrett had marinaded – presumably for us. I told him how much it sucked last night to watch him and Zach eat food that I purchased (in this case, chicken breast). Food that he never would have purchased (he will only buy legs – when they’re on sale). He only had enough for two (2 breasts, they each can eat one), which made me feel like an imposter. And then to get home hungry, and I have no real meals. The only meat in the house was tuna, but I didn’t even have a can opener … because that’s at Garrett’s house! (all three can openers, actually). Even if we did have a “living agreement” about groceries, it doesn’t make sense to expect me to continue feeding them after moving out of the house. It would be more than fair to agree to split the remaining groceries 50/50. It just seems so unfair to me that I’m expected to leave behind everything I bought and buy it all again for myself – or go without while they continue enjoying the benefits of my contribution for months. Rather than trying to understand why that might have hurt me – or would have offended him if the tables were turned – he wanted to argue about all the money he paid eating out through the course of our relationship. He claims $400-$500/week. (Towards the end, we did eat out often – maybe 3-4 times a week. At roughly $80/meal, that would be $240-$320/week. Split in half: $120-$160/week.) I told him our feelings don’t always have to compete with each other. He is always keeping score. I can’t ever tell him about anything that bothers me without 1) being accused of complaining constantly, and 2) hearing a list of complaints about him. Never once has he allowed me to talk about my feelings without talking about HIS feelings – as if they’re more important. He called me while I was making dinner. “Guessing your not alone so you can’t talk. Call me when you feel like it.” I called him back while I was eating. He was very short with me. The conversation turned back to finances. He continues to insist I wasn’t paying my fair share in the household. Somehow it came out that Zach doesn’t actually pay rent. (Several months ago he told me that Zach pays him $500/month. I assumed that was rent, so I adjusted what I was giving him toward his mortgage based on this.) Today he claims he only gets $450 from Zach, and it’s for his car payment, insurance and cell phone. The kid is 19 years old and living in the house, using the electricity, and eating the groceries for free. After all his talk about wanting me to make Madeline pay rent NOW, then kick her out as soon as she turns 18 and graduates high school. I didn’t get the opportunity to try Scott’s tools because he hung up on me. But he continued via text. Told me I “got off easy” living in his house. Said it defines “exactly who you are.” Accused me of taking advantage and called me selfish. I simply told him I’m going before it gets ugly. Wished him a good night and blocked him. As expected, I have an email in my spam folder from him. “Once again, Emily doesn't like the truth and has to block my number like a child. You got way more financially out of our agreement than I. Another reminder of why I want to throw in the towel. This needs to end. Please stop pillaging my home. Take care of yourself. You lived of my heart long enough!” Sent Garrett an email:

*****

to Garrett

Scott encouraged me to tell you about some of what we talked about today. He may have even brought it up in your session with him.

Over the past several days this has been weighing heavily on my heart. It's been bothering me for a while, but I think breaking my phone was a big wake up call. I don't like the person I become when we fight. This is not who I am. This is certainly not who I want to be! I don't behave like a person I can be proud of. I am ashamed of the things I say and the way I act when I get into a “fit of rage” as you call it. And now I'm to the point where I'm breaking things. This is not okay. I told Scott this behavior is not acceptable and I need help finding a way to stop myself from acting this way. I also told him I need some coping techniques to help me to not engage in the arguments. I just can't seem to help but to respond, and it never helps – it ALWAYS gets nasty. And I think we can both agree it's happening way too often these days.

Part of Scott's advice was to take a time out. I'm asking you to respect me in that. I need you to understand that when I remove myself from an argument, it's for no reason other than this: I am fighting hard to stop myself from behaving in an ugly way. From saying or doing something I will regret later. I don't want to hurt you. I want to be a better person. I am asking for your support in this.

***

Tuesday 8/17/21 I woke up to an email from Garrett:

Emily, Your accusations of me have become unbearable. These rages have not gone unnoticed but yet you spent months blaming me. I'm glad your able to talk about it with Scott. This isn't anything knew. I have been also talking with Scott. This was only part of what we discussed. As I've said, your accusations have become to much for me to deal with. The fact you accually believed I was living off you and Zach? You knew damn well what he was paying for and what I was getting! I'm done defending myself. You want to believe that you were being taken advantage of then so be it. I'm not looking for you to change. But seriously, I don't want to be with a person like that. I want to move forward in a positive way. I've been trying. You have attacked me verbally in every single way possible. Scott told me that things might not change with me being in your life. I'll always be the target. Is this true? Last year, I paid for Scott. This year, I'm paying 100/wk to talk to him. For what? I'm not made of money. Especially when I've blown so much in the last year. You have no clue exactly how much I've gone through. I did this out of love. But you turn it. You think I was living off you when in turn the actual numbers are quite the opposite. I guess you believe it's just what I'm supposed to do. It's not and I'm not anymore. I'm done spending money talking to Scott having to correct the story. You lived rent free till your house was sold. After you sold your house , you paid 500/month. We split the groceries until after the first of the year when I realized that my son only ate here 5-10 percent of the time. I was taking you out 3-4 times a week and 90 percent of the time, things were out on my card. Your purchases you made damn sure you took with you. The only person eating almost everything was your kid! Not mine! Yours! Even in Tucson I paid for almost everything! Yes you had your mortgage, utilities. So did I. I had my trailer and lot rent which was again more than you and I still payed for us to go out. If this is who you are, I don't want it in my life. You got all but hurt because I'm eating everyday. Even though I actually went to the grocery store and purchased groceries. I bought 1600 worth of fucking beef! Your actions today made me think , do I really want her over hear for dinner? God knows I'll never be eating at your place. You made sure I'm not welcome there! For the last week, I e been telling Scott I just want to move on. I want to get past this negativity , this vindictive behavior. I need to get back to the person I was before we met. This has been very difficult. I'm not justifying myself to you anymore. I'm not defending myself anymore. I can change who you are not do I want to. If you want to believe all those things that's your choice but I don't have to continue with someone that not only hurts me but financially took advantage

***

I'm having a very hard time refraining from responding. The miscommunication about finances is so glaringly obvious to me. I can't stand that after all I've done to be generous and NEVER take advantage of him, I'm still called selfish and accused of taking advantage. I guess my reason is that I need him to see that I'm not this awful person he always accuses me of being. I need him to see that I was trying my best. I need him to understand and give me some credit. I know it's useless, because he's determined to be angry at me, to make everything my fault. It hurts too much to admit the things he's done. Maybe that's why we clash so hard. He can't stand that I call him out on his shit. Makes him uncomfortable – why wouldn't it?

Really hugged her. Might have hung on for a moment too long. It was just so nice. No looking over my shoulder. No fear of getting caught. No one to yell at me about it later. For loving my kid. No “how could you?” Because. I'm allowed. This is my home. And hers. And nobody else's. I'm actually supposed to love her. Talk to her. Spend time with her. Worry about her. Protect her. Hug her. Love her. That's what a mother does.

I'm starting to see tiny glimmers of what life was like Before.

7/23/21

I just now realized my last post didn't save. That's a shame. SO much has happened ...

I honestly don't know what to say. I'm so broken. Why do I still love this man? A “man” who is so completely obsessed with my daughter. A man who claims to love me but is so consumed with hatred for my daughter. A hatred that has completely overpowered his love for me. Did he ever really love me? Am I in love with an illusion of a good man? A “what could have been” man?

I took a chance on love and I lost it all.

For the past week and a half (ish) I have been homeless. Living in a hotel. Completely alone. No job. No family. No friends. Anxiety at a constant 11. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I get out of my head? Stressing about every little detail. Fighting about every little detail. First my phone #. That took a day and a half to resolve. Finally managed to gain ownership of that. Then my cats. He threatened to take them to the shelter if I didn't get them immediately. I had to drop everything, get the cops involved. Then getting moved out. For several days he refused to let me get my stuff while he was out of the house. Insisted on being there. Anxiety through the roof. Can't handle another scene. Changed the locks. Told me he would be there, along with his parents. Restraining order filed. Never served. One day he started speaking amicably and allowed me to move out. Rose and Joel came to help. He came home from work around 1 p.m. (never works a full day, remember?) and started to get upset. So he left. Came back a few hours later after a few drinks and confrontational. The three of us got my stuff packed and moved into storage in a matter of 7-8 hours. But then they left the next morning. Never had enough time to really sit and process everything. To enjoy my sister. To really talk. Alone again. Totally alone. Except for Madeline, who acts like this isn't really affecting her all that much. He expects me to put this burden on her. But I can't. She's a teenager! We're in a single room in a hotel that allows cats. Sleeping in the same bed. Absolutely no privacy. The other day I broke down crying right in front of her.

For the past week and a half (ish) I have been living a nightmare. So stressed. Running on pure adrenaline, from the moment I wake up – way too early – to the moment I collapse – way too late. I have no appetite. I've barely eaten. Lost a ton of weight. 8 lb? 9? The clothes I do have hang on me. And just like that I'm almost to my goal weight. Probably would look amazing in that white dress right about now. Shame it's packed away. I wonder if I'll ever wear it? I need a beach. Or even a fishing partner. I've been telling myself I should go for a bike ride. Or a hike. Or even a run. SOMEthing to decompress. But the idea of being alone with my thoughts is more than I can bear. What I wouldn't give for some anti-anxiety meds right now. Something ... ANYthing ... to pull me back down to the ground and let me relax for a moment.

We are still talking. After I got my stuff out I had the restraining order dismissed. Didn't want him retaliating – which is exactly what he threatened to do when he found out. We've had a few good days, but mostly he just wants to fight. Refuses to stop going on about Madeline. Of course he blames her for everything. She's his scapegoat. It's easier to blame her than take responsibility for his own actions. His own words. His hatred of her is like nothing I have ever seen before. I get it. She started it. She persisted in it. For a VERY long time. He fed right into it. Magnified it 100x. Now this. He refuses to let it go. Pick his battles. Well, he picks every last one. Every little detail must be gone over with a fine-toothed comb. At my expense. Always at my expense. For days.

Madeline has a big robotics competition this weekend. Her school is hosting. The entire time I've been with Garrett I haven't been able to participate in or attend her school activities. She's been trying to get me to volunteer to help with setup and teardown. I really didn't want to, but this morning I decided to go ahead and do it. I needed something to keep me busy and out of my head. The walls in this hotel room are closing around me. I'm glad I did. I met a few people. Did something productive. For the first time in weeks my anxiety calmed a bit.

Today's conversation: G: What r u doing E: I'm at the school setting up for a competition. I needed a distraction ... G: Cool G: Until when E: Probably late E: At least after dinner G: Have fun says a lot good bye!!! G: Kiss her ass E: You know I've been dying to get out and meet people. G: Please stop G: Million things to do and you chose this. Hasn't even been a day and you flip flopping. E: I needed a break. E: and most of my stuff got done. E: I shouldn't have to explain myself G: You tried to play both sides and it drove a wedge between us. It's fine E: Once again you're assuming the worst. I'm not allowed to do anything for ME because it makes you mad. G: Not the point at all. Do what makes you happy G: I'm actually not mad at all. Maybe at myself, but not at you. G: This needs to be goodbye, you need to take care of her and unfortunately we can't have a relationship because of it. E: I need to be allowed to take care of me too. E: This being afraid to go out and do things because it might make you mad can stop now. G: I never said you couldn't. I begged you to. You chose her E: You never came out and said it, but you always seem to find a way to get mad when I do. E: You don't want to do things with me. Meet people with me. Make friends with me. G: Quit trying to twist things it's not going to work. Like I said you choose her G: Enjoy her, it has nothing to do with you meeting new people, just another lie. You refused to do so E: Once again you're convincing yourself. I chose YOU but no matter what I did you pushed me away. E: I'm not repeating this conversation. Let me know when you want to discuss something positive. G: I can't live with her and can love anyone that supports her. This is 100 percent about her. You can't handle that. Quit telling yourself lies E: I was actually going to leave in a bit so I could spend time with you. G: Sure you were. E: I was asked to set up for dinner. My job is done. G: I'm sure you were asked by your kid E: I was asked by the adult in charge. E: I'm not a child G: Oh ok G: Did you find a place to live E: Yes. Unless you know of something closer. G: Nope, enjoy. Goodbye and good luck G: the thread that was holding us together has been cut E: Because I found a place to live? G: Now you can go to your grave knowing you have done everything for your daughter E: Since you are determined to fight instead of trying to work things out I will no longer continue killing myself trying to please you G: I'm done trying to work things out, you were killing yourself trying your hardest to play both sides. I can't handle the lies. I wish you the best of luck. You made your choice and I will respect that decision G: You manipulated yourself back into my life in November with your sob story. Your tears. I don't want to hear it anymore.

And then he blocked me. I went over to his place. He and Zach were having steaks for dinner. How nice. At least he wasn't an ass ... at first. But then he started up again about Madeline. Got himself worked up like he always does, so I left. He is really, truly OBSESSED. It's sick. Sad, really. 47 year old man that can't stop whining about a 17 year old girl. Insisted on using her to destroy his relationship with his “soulmate,” the “love of his life.”

Looks a lot like he's mad I found a place to live. He knew how stressed I was about it. The rental market is insane right now. Not a whole lot out there. Most places aren't even available until October, far, or way too expensive. I'm being told it's because of the sellers market. People selling their houses are doing so faster than ever and snapping up the rentals. This means renters get to be choosy. My whole unemployed status is NOT working in my favor! I stumbled upon this place by chance. Referred by another apartment complex. Looked at a unit, but 18 hours later it was taken. I reached out to the manager and learned a tenant may have to break his lease due to a death in the family. 2 days later it was mine. Problem? It's in Waukesha. 10 minutes from Madeline's school and 30 minutes from his house. He is not pleased. Too far for his liking. I guess he doesn't understand the concept that he can't have his cake and eat it too. He wanted me out. I told him if he kept telling me to leave I would. He did it again. I kept my word. He agreed I had to go. I guess he thinks he's entitled to have a say in where I go. It's very inconvenient for him. He can't stand the thought of actually having to date again. Of me not being at his disposal. Available for his every beck & call. Now he would actually have to make an effort. Deep down, I wonder if he thought he would talk me into coming back. Not this time, bro. What's that saying about catching more flies with honey?

For the past week and a half I have been an emotional wreck. Feeling the loneliness down to the marrow in my bones. Scalding tears dripping off my jaw several times a day.

Today I am numb.

7/14/21 Once. Just once. Just once I want to be wrong. About his mood swings, that is. My head is such a mess. I'm so stressed I don't know that I can put this all down right now. There has been no time. From the moment I crawl out of bed way too early to the moment I finally collapse in defeat at night I am just ... scrambling. Frantic. Chasing one vindictive hurdle after another. I guess since I called him out as an abuser he felt the need to prove me right. Not in the blatantly physical sense – that would land him in handcuffs. This is probably the point where I should say “let me back up and start from the beginning.” But I'm not really sure if I should. And there is soooo much between the “beginning” that was really only 3 days ago and now. I'll try anyway. Sunday. Today is Wednesday, right? I believe this started Sunday. Maybe Monday. No, Sunday. Shit. Maybe it really started Saturday? The full-blown fight happened Sunday evening? I left Monday morning? Today is Wednesday. In July. Only July. This year has gone on forever. But really really REALLY, it possibly started a few days earlier with his increased consumption of Fox News. I feel like I've been talking like that for the past two days. I have no idea which way is up. I clearly don't have a clue what day it is. Don't ask me who the president is, it really doesn't matter. Saturday morning. We're in bed. I roll over to cuddle and put my leg over his. But he rolls away, gets out of bed, and walks out of the room. All day he's standoffish, kinda giving me the cold shoulder but not blatantly. I wanted to take him to Port Washington because we STILL haven't been back. But I came across an ad for a used car I wanted to look at for Madeline. And then I remembered events I was looking forward to around town. We started our morning the usual way, on the back deck having coffee. I noticed a tangible mood shift when I brought up the car I wanted to look at. By late morning/early afternoon there's no denying it. He very clearly has absolutely no interest in spending the day with me. He's laying on the couch watching Fox News. (Commentary in the middle of the day? Is that really necessary?) Periodically napping. Then he disappears to the camper. To watch more TV. That's odd. He only does that when he's making a point of being absent and wants me to come after him. I went out there once, found him sleeping (I think he took 3 naps that day). About 45 minutes later I went back. I had really wanted to go to the art festival and he said he would come. He got up, begrudgingly, and we went. Queue more passive-aggression. We weren't there long. Maybe 30 minutes. He basically walked ahead of me in front of each tent expecting him to follow him. How fun. He slept in the camper that night, complaining that his back hurt. By Sunday I was sick of his childish sulking and determined to get out and do something. I spend the entire week at home with nothing to do and no one to do it with. I'm not doing that on the weekends too. Again, he's up before me. I shower, get dressed, walk out. G: Where are you going? E: Church. Wanna come? G: Not really. So I went to church by myself. I can't seem to go to church without crying anymore. In worship. Pretty embarrassing when the pastor tells everyone to “say hello to those around you” and I obviously have tears in my eyes for no apparent reason. At some point, for some reason, he starts with his whining about “there's no love” anymore. Tells me that Saturday he intentionally didn't kiss me or tell me he loved me because he wanted to see if I would. I informed him that I didn't, because he was giving me the cold shoulder and I didn't know what was going on. That, after calling him out for testing me. That blows over. I still need something to do, or I'm going to explode. Suggest hiking, but his back hurts. (I guess my mattress isn't the culprit after all, if it still hurts after a night on the camper mattress.) He suggests fishing. Let's go. It was kinda nice, but kinda tense. Nice in that therapeutic quiet time on the water sense. I love water. It soothes my soul. Tense because we barely spoke. But also nice for the same reason. Let me backtrack a little bit. Winnie is in full blow heat. Ruger is recovering from his trip to the Snip Clinic. That doesn't seem to be slowing him down one bit. Still caught them several times “doing the nasty.” Guarantee he's blown at least 1 stitch. I bought him a collar, harness, and lead to keep him from doing things he shouldn't be and pulling his stitches out. Almost immediately when Garrett gets home (Thursday) he takes it all off and lets him roam. By Sunday night I'm frustrated. Both dogs have been tearing around like maniacs – literally in heat. IF Winnie has a diaper on, there's no liner in it. So now there's also bloody diapers laying wherever. And she's hanging out on my couch. Bleeding. After the third time catching the two of them doing exactly what they should not be, I'm fed up. So I voiced my frustration about the fact that I have been gently, patiently reminding him to get her fixed for a year and a half. He gets angry. Next thing I know, it's full-blow. But no name-calling. Again. Baffling. Until he informs me that he's been recording our conversations. Claims he has me on record in “rages.” That explains the pattern shift. He's been baiting me. And while he still throws his bullying temper tantrums, he is careful to not do anything on record that (he thinks) might put him in a bad light. So no name calling. No stalking around the house. No slamming doors. No following me around. No blocking me in doorways. No shoving. But still abusing me with his temper. Twisting words. Frequently changing the subject. Accusing me of absurd things. And then he did it. Didn't come out and say it. Certainly didn't say it verbally. He said it in a text. “All the more reason you should go.” “I'm not throwing you out, I'm saying we are over and need to move on.” “Please just go.” “Things will be better for all when you leave.” “Like start packing.” ... and on and on. I told him if he kept telling me to leave I would. Monday morning. Plan is to grab stuff and get out while he's at work so there's no usual driveway confrontation. But he decided not to go to work. Just hung round the house. Garage. Outside. Walk inside. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. At one point I heard him tell Zach to take the boat and go fishing. (Madeline was at wo Now I'm terrified. Getting Zach out of the house means there will be no witnesses to what is to come. I sent Zach 2 texts. Told him his dad is getting out of the house so there was no witnesses and I was terrified. I also told him his dad is abusive, but not to take my word for it – talk to someone he can trust about the things he has seen and heard. Spent a good part of the morning locked in the bathroom messaging my mom and sisters. Between strolls through the house I managed to throw a couple bags, my safe, and important documents in the car. I was able to leave safely when the mailman drove by. Leah reserved a hotel room for me. Spent the rest of the day trying to get my phone number moved to an account of my own and arguing with Garrett about it. I had given him simple instructions. Here's the number to call. They need an account number and a transfer PIN. “I have the number. I know what to do.” What he gave me was an email from Verizon confirming he released the number to Emily Fisher. No account number or PIN. Called Sprint. They tried. can't do anything without those two pieces of information. But he refused. Claimed he already did his part. So I tried. Same thing. Then he accused me of intentionally making things difficult and blamed me for trying to move it to another carrier instead of just opening a Verizon account. So I tried Verizon online. Same thing. Verizon themselves want an account number and PIN. Sent him a screen shot. “You need to get your own, not mine.” Sigh. All day. Tuesday morning I called and was able to get it done. Seriously wasted almost an entire day. On purpose, according to him. Tuesday the tone of the conversation got better. Still back and forth all day, but able to civilly discuss things without the usual nastiness. Until he flipped again. I was trying to work out a time to go to the house and pack. Back to bickering it went. Meanwhile, I'm also in contact with family, friends, and the domestic abuse hotline. All recommend filing a restraining order. I was on my way to the house to try to grab some things when I took a wrong turn and ended up in front of the courthouse. So I went in. A couple hours later, walked out with a restraining order. Unfortunately, the judge did not order him to leave the premises so I could get my stuff out, and did not order him to refrain from removing or disposing of a household pet. When I got back to the hotel, I had angry text messages from him because I hadn't responded in awhile. He informed me he had changed the locks and would be taking the cats to the shelter in the morning. I asked him to allow me reasonable time to make arrangements for them. He refused, said he's not taking care of them. So I called the PD, and met them at the house. I gathered some clothes and toiletries. The captain called HAWS, made arrangements, and brought them to HAWS himself for Safe Keep. Didn't want to leave them at the house and give Garrett an opportunity to continue using them to harass me. I'll pause here. I'm just too tired to continue.

I'm so isolated I've forgotten how to interact with people.

**

Another storm is brewing ...

**

Abuse is wrong. You are responsible for your own actions. No excuse is acceptable. The damage you are doing is incalculable. Your problem is yours alone to solve.

Friday 7/9/21 He bought me flowers. He actually bought me flowers. Yesterday afternoon my anxiety started to spike again. The further it got past 2:00 (when he normally gets home) the worse it got. So I decided to do some shopping in Waukesha. Stopped one place, then was going to go to Woodman's. But I forgot my list. On my way back I realized I didn't want to be in this house. So I kept driving. Turned the music way up and cleared my head. Around 4:30 I decided I better head back home. When I got back I looked at my phone and realized I had a text from him. I wasn't wearing my watch and I keep my phone on silent because my notifications irritate him. “I picked up steaks.” When I walked in the door the first thing I noticed was Fox News blaring and him laying on the couch (okay, that's two things). Then I noticed flowers on the table. I didn't say anything until he took a break and went outside. He's impossible to talk to when he's distracted by the contentious monologue, and true to form he took a nap first. G: Did you see I got you something? E: Flowers. G: Oh, you did notice. E: Of course I noticed. Thank you. G: You say I never get you flowers. E: You don't ever get me flowers. Thank you. G: Do you like them? E: They're the same ones you sent me for my birthday. They're pretty. G: (offended) They're not the same ones. That was in Tucson. E: Yes, but it's the same mix. G: Well, you liked then. E: I do like them. They're pretty. Thank you for getting me flowers. I didn't point out that my birthday was 8 months ago. Or that they're grocery store flowers. I don't mind grocery store flowers. It's better than nothing. Actually, I prefer them over something showy. It's a sweeter gesture. I told him once I would settle for a dandelion picked off the lawn, because it would mean he was thinking of me. (Joe Biden did that recently, I thought it was sweet. He hates Joe Biden.) Too bad the TV put a damper on the whole experience. I'm well aware some people might think I'm whining if they were to read this. I'm sure I'll be called ungrateful in the coming days. The truth is there's usually a motive. The flowers for my birthday were a ploy to get me back. Or maybe a reward for giving him what he wanted. I had left him and went home to Tucson. He had plans to go hunting that weekend. I couldn't bear the thought of spending my birthday ignored, lonely, neglected. Or worse: fighting, being called names, being told to leave. Crying. So I packed up the car and left while he and Zach were out working on a side job. I ended up doing those things anyway. He spent the first half of my birthday texting really awful things to me. Accusations and blames. Went on for several hours about how Madeline is so awful, badgering me into finding a way to get rid of her (by way of pressuring me into putting her in a boarding school or halfway house), accusing me of doing nothing, calling me a terrible mother in every way possible. By mid afternoon I was so worn down by the endless harassment I caved. Apologized for leaving. Started looking at boarding schools (even got my mom on board with it). Resigned myself to selling my house and dumping the entire proceeds into a boarding school. $60k+ a year. 3 ½ hours later Instacart delivered a bottle of Clamato and grocery store flowers. The only reason I got anything for my birthday is because I groveled and did exactly what he wanted. On MY birthday. He couldn't even give me a break for one single day. He still claims he had a weekend planned in Door County for my birthday. I'm now certain that was a lie, fabricated to make me feel guilty for leaving. I have yet to see a single reservation confirmation or anything else to indicate that he actually made any plans. He STILL hasn't taken me there. It's been 8 months. Side note: Why am I just now realizing this inconsistency in his story? Deer hunting season 2020 was 11/21 – 11/29. It opened on my birthday (Saturday) and closed the following Sunday. All he talked about in the weeks leading up to it was going hunting opening weekend. Later he claimed he wasn't going to hunt on my actual birthday, just the day after. But he also claimed he planned a surprise trip to Door County for my birthday that weekend. Says we were going to leave Friday and come home Sunday or Monday. Impossible. Can't go to Door County and hunt in your own county at the same time. I absolutely believe he planned to hunt the weekend of my birthday. Up until this moment I believed he may have thought about going to Door County, but hadn't made any actual plans. I now know the idea didn't occur until after I left. And it occurred for the sole purpose of guilt-tripping me. Madeline got home before dinner. I told her she would have to find something for herself for dinner. Garrett got steaks but I didn't know if he got enough for everyone. See, Garrett doesn't feel obligated to feed the whole family – just himself. This was a huge issue for us early on – especially in the early Covid days after Zach came down to Tucson to stay with us. I grew up with strong family values. Every night, no matter what was going on, we would sit down and have a meal together as a family. I carried that value into my own family. It's important to me. Garrett hates eating together as a family. He bitched so much about it I finally just gave up. It's awful. I can't stand to sit down and eat in front of my child, who is still looking for something to eat or asking if she can have our leftovers. I feel like a terrible parent. (In the Amish/Mennonite community the children are actually served first.) When I cook I make enough for everyone. 9 times out of 10 Zach says he's not hungry and won't eat. He's learned this selfish trait all too well and has already fed himself. When Garrett cooks he makes just enough for the two of us. Occasionally he'll include Zach. Never Madeline. He hates her. The other night he gave her a rude response when she asked if she could have some of the leftovers he had heated up. Something along the lines of “we need to eat first.” So last night I was shocked when I discovered there was actually enough food for everyone. He bought three ribeyes, but they were massive. (I don't care for ribeyes. They're too fatty. I prefer filet or sirloin, but that's besides the point. I'll admit these ones were pretty good.) I'll only eat half a ribeye, so I split mine with Madeline. We even all sat at the table, ate together, and had almost normal conversation. I don't know if it was intentional, but it was so beautiful for my soul I could cry.

The sad thing is I can't even enjoy the good days/weeks anymore. Because now I know they're just part of the cycle. The better they are, the worse the bad days will be. I spend those days stressing about the next fight. When will it happen? What will trigger it? Is there something – ANYthing – I can do to prevent it? (No.) What awful things will he say/do this time? Some days I splurge and let myself believe he really is trying this time. But that's dangerous. What I need – DESERVE – is a long term commitment to change. Consistency. The only way that will happen is if he sets his pride aside, admits he is abusive, and commits – truly applies himself – to an abuser treatment program. He will never do that. He is too selfish. He enjoys the benefits of his abuse way too much to ever let it go. That is something only a real man can do. That is not Garret Dow.

I've been noticing lately that when Garrett is around I can't make eye contact with my daughter. Even on the good days. It can't be anything other than shame. I'm ashamed. Of him. Of the way he treats her. Of myself. Of the way I allow him to treat her. Of the way I treat her to appease him. How do I fix this?

Chatting with my friend Steph today (not the ex) and she says “Em you are worthy of being loved CORRECTLY.” That about knocked the wind out of me. I could hardly breathe. Because she is SO right. Why is it so hard to remember that some days?

Thursday 7/8/21 Lately I've been beating myself up quite a bit for letting the abuse go on for this long. I should have walked away at the first red flag. I should have shut it down the first time he showed me his anger. I shouldn't have bent to his will. I shouldn't have compromised my values to appease him. I shouldn't have allowed his temper to control me, to scare me. I should have been more firm. Stood stronger for myself, more often. I shouldn't have given him the benefit of the doubt as many times as I have. I should have locked the door behind this man the first time he walked out. I should have blocked his number and never let him come back. I distinctly remember telling him I don't play the “I'm leaving” game. He got mad and insisted he wasn't playing games. Clearly he didn't believe me, because he did it again. And again. And again. Now more times than I can count. I left him three times. I shouldn't have come back any of those times. Especially not the last one. I shouldn't have fell for his lies. I certainly shouldn't have believed his empty promises. I could go on all day. But why am I blaming myself for his actions? He has already mastered the skill of blaming me (and Madeline) for literally everything that happens. Why would I join him? I have told him many times he is fully responsible for his words and his actions. Nobody can make him say or do the things he does – only he can. So why do I act like I don't believe that myself? Why do I treat myself like crap? It's bad enough that he does it. I deserve better. And while I can't make him treat me how I deserve to be treated, I certainly can be better to myself. I woke up this morning deciding I am no longer going to blame myself. My self worth comes from within. It should in no way be dependent on another's person's opinions or words. Certainly not those of a small, hateful, poor excuse of a man. The truth is I did those things because I'm an optimist and a romantic. I'm trusting and loving. Loyal and honest to a fault. Willing to fight for what's right and work hard at sorting out our differences. I strive to be a better person and help others on their journey. These are all GOOD traits.. Yes, they make me vulnerable and sometimes allow me to be hurt. But they also open doors to life and love. These very qualities are what make true happiness a reality. I am not to blame when someone takes advantage of the good in me and uses it for their own gratification.

This is NOT my fault!

The right man – a good man – will be capable of identifying these qualities and nurturing them rather than exploiting them. He will build me up, not tear me down. He will speak with kindness. He will treat me with respect at all times, even (especially) when we disagree. He will also strive to be a better person. He will not be offensive and therefore will not be easily offended. He will make me his equal partner rather than a possession, housemaid, or even enemy. He will embrace my family and friends as his own and encourage me to do the same with his. He will love me like only a genuine man loves a genuine woman. He will be man enough to admit when he's wrong, and make it right when he hurts me. And he will NEVER hurt me intentionally. Today I know I will be okay. Because I am strong. I will not allow Garrett – or anyone – to destroy me. I certainly won't join in. The beautiful thing about my integrity and character is they are the core of who I am. He can attack them all he wants. He may bruise or even break my spirit, but he will never change who I am deep down inside. He will not turn me into him.

***

A few weeks ago I picked up a book titled Buy Yourself the Fucking Lilies. I bought it because the title made me laugh, because lilies are my favorite flower, and because Garrett NEVER buys me flowers. It's actually a really good book about taking control of your life, becoming a better person, and treating yourself better. One of the first chapters challenged me to write down 10 thinks I like about myself. Here's what I wrote:

1. I Am Strong. I've been through a lot. I'm going through hell right now. Some days it feels like things will never get better. But I've been here before. If there's anything I know about myself, it's that I ALWAYS make it through, and I always come out a better person.
2. I Am Kind. Even when others aren't. It's not easy. See #1.
3. I Am Intelligent. There isn't much I can't learn (or figure out for myself) when I set my mind to it. Get out of my way.
4. I Am Honest. To a fault. This gets me in trouble sometimes. But I never have to worry about keeping my story straight. There is no story. Just facts.
5. I Have Integrity. No one can take that from me. They might try, but no matter what they do they won't succeed.
6. I Am Patient. I haven't always been, but I have learned a lot and grown through my experiences.
7. I Am Not Afraid Of/To Change. Change is hard. Change hurts. It can be lonely. But change is growth. Change is healthy. Change is good.
8. I Work Hard. Too hard, sometimes.
9. I Am Giving. I am not a taker. I have a heart for people and am at my happiest when I can make a difference in someone else's life.
10. I Am Beautiful. I don't mean pretty. It's not something that can be seen with your eyes. It's character, and I'm proud of it.

Wednesday, 7/7/21 I'm not really sure what to write about today. I'm just trying to be better about writing more often, rather than when I'm in a crisis or really need to vent (which is helpful). I told Garrett last night that Madeline got hired at Mama Ds – and has already started working there. He seemed miffed that I didn't tell him sooner. I couldn't really say “well yeah, because the day she got hired you were in another one of your nasty moods.” Instead I just said something vague about things getting a little crazy. So now he knows and can start looking for things to attack. The other day I let it slip that I'm thinking about getting a new bike for Madeline. (Actually, I told her I would go halves with her on one, if she plans to keep riding after she has her license.) The one she has been riding is falling apart, though he insists it's perfectly fine. It's also way too small for her. It's a kid's bike and she's my height now (5'6” – for reference, I ride a 29” bike because a normal size is too small for my legs). She's been saying the chain keeps falling off, she has to pedal really fast to go anywhere, and she won't shift gears because it “shakes”. I took it for a spin the other day, and sure enough. The whole thing is practically rusted out. My knees were practically to my ribs riding it. I adjusted the seat height, which helped a little. I also discovered that the rear brake wasn't working – barely touched. I asked her how she stops and she said she uses the front brake and/or comes to a stop really slowly (eek). I wasn't really sure how to adjust the rear brake, but when I was looking over it, a wire fell off in my hand – just frayed right off. Turned out to be not a big deal – just the end of the brake line – but still, if the end is in that condition how is the rest of the line? So after that conversation he made a point to work on her bike and made sure I knew it. Claims he fixed it, and it should be running fine now. I haven't tried it out yet. During one of his recent tantrums he started complaining about where she puts her bike in the garage (blamed her for knocking over Zach's fishing poles, claims she leaves it in the way of everything, etc.). I told him nobody knows where to put the bikes, myself included. There's no space along the walls or ceiling to hang them, and there's stuff everywhere. Things are frequently getting shuffled around in the garage. “Oh, so that has to be MY responsibility?” Um, as a matter of fact, yes. The garage is “his” space. Nothing is ever put away in there – and it's all his. With the exception of my bike and Madeline's bike. So then he demanded that she keep hers outside in the backyard. “No.” (more like hell no!) “She WILL keep her bike in the backyard.” “NO!” “Oh, so I don't have any say around here!” (Here we go ...) I informed him if it got left outside it would get rained on and rusted (which is exactly how it ended up in the state it is now) and ruined. I just need to get her a bike of her own, before he decides to use that as leverage against her and take it away (just like he did with the fish tank). I believe it used to be Zach's many years ago when he was little. Obviously he's outgrown it, even though he's not much taller than her – if at all. Maybe today I'll get some racks and clear some space to hang them up. Last week Zach left his work boots out in the rain. Had to wear his sneakers to work because his boots were still soaked. I noticed that they looked really small and looked at the size. 8 ½ and bursting at the seams. I KNOW he doesn't wear an 8 ½. Garrett has no idea what size he wears. I did because I bought him winter boots several months ago, but asked again just to be sure. 10 ½. Two full sizes too small. Turns out he's had those boots for five years. FIVE years! No wonder he's been complaining so much about his back hurting! So I asked some questions, did some research, and bought him a new pair of work boots. He was surprised and grateful. I know he's 18 now and has a job and can buy his own shoes, but ... his dad has not bought him a pair of shoes since he was 13 years old. For fucking shame. He seems to really like them. I hope I did okay. I keep forgetting that Zach has been taught NOT to ask when he needs something. I struggle with this with grocery shopping. I keep a shopping list on the fridge and several times have asked everyone to write on the list when they notice something is out or running low. But Zach won't.* If it's there he'll use it, but if not he'll just make do. It's frustrating because I'll go shopping, then come back and discover several more things that I need to get and have to go shopping again. But Garrett calls my shopping list a “wish list” and gets mad at Madeline for writing on it. He feels that children should just be grateful for what they are given. I believe that children should be provided for, and everyone should feel comfortable speaking up when they need something – or when something bothers them, for that matter. But that will take us to a whole new rant about how Garrett is the only one who is allowed to complain about anything. Anyone else – especially me – that says anything when something bothers them is “ungrateful,” “spoiled,” “never happy,” or “complains too much.” Oh, and a “bitch” and “cunt.” Can't forget his favorites. The end result: he gets to do whatever he wants and walk all over me.

*Neither does Garrett, but that's just because he's lazy and takes for granted that I follow him around picking up after him and making sure he has everything he needs. I'm not even exaggerating. A few weeks ago he ran out of deodorant and just stopped wearing it until I noticed and went out and bought him some. This place would seriously be in shambles if it wasn't for me. Pretty sure his mom comes over and cleans and shops for him when he's single.

So Winnie is in heat again, which means we all (mostly me) should be careful to keep the dogs separated. At least until today – Ruger is scheduled to be neutered. Yesterday I went out for a few hours to take Madeline to her driving lesson, then robotics. We left Ruger in the kennel and Winnie had her diaper on. When I got back a few hours later both were out and Winnie had slipped out of her diaper. Of course I have to tell Garrett, because there's no doubt in my mind they did the deed and this time Ruger is definitely mature enough to procreate. Problem is, I can't ever tell him anything without him 1) getting angry, and 2) looking for someone to blame. E: I need to tell you something without you getting angry or blaming someone G: What happened? E: When I left today Ruger was in his kennel and Winnie had her diaper on. When I got back both were out and her diaper wasn't on. G: Oh Great. G: How did Ruger get out of his kennel? E: I have no idea. He didn't outright get mad or play the blame game, but later he made a point to specifically show me how to latch the door on the kennel. E: I know how to latch the kennel G: Well, how did he get out then? E: I don't know, I wasn't here when it happened. So internally he's blamed me by deciding I didn't close the kennel properly. Even though we both know how absurd that is, and he has no evidence or reason to believe I did anything wrong.

Tuesday 7/6/21 That last one lasted only a day. The optimist in me says maybe he's actually trying to get better. Maybe walking away for an hour gave him time to cool off. Maybe he finally realized he really is going to lose me if he doesn't get a grip on himself. Pessimist me says he's getting more unpredictable – and that's scary! A couple days ago I discovered they do a Country Thunder here in Wisconsin, similar to Coachella and Stagecoach in California and Country Thunder in Arizona. It's in 2 weeks. Pretty good lineup. I've always wanted to camp out at one of those. Last night he brought it up again, told me I should look into it, see if they have campsites large enough for our camper, or if there are any other campgrounds nearby. Normally I would be all over that opportunity, but I just can't bring myself to g. et excited about this. Our last several trips have been disasters thanks to his mood swings. As soon as anything goes wrong, the whole trip is ruined. It's highly unlikely he'll be able to go 4 days without getting upset about something, and pretty much guaranteed he'll have another massive blowout at some point between now and then. I just can't go through this again. Putting all the time, money, and energy into something, just to have him shatter it all with his words. Might as well just stay down. Yes, I know I'm supposed to get back up, dust myself off, and try again. But I'm just so defeated. It's an endless cycle. As soon as I think we've turned a corner and let my guard down he sees his opening and does it again. I'm now fully convinced it will never get better – not for real, not long-term. And I will never again have an opportunity to escape. My last chance was November. I took it and got out, but then I was stupid enough to respond to his email, start talking to him, once again fell for his lies, and came back. That time I made it next to impossible to leave again. Sold my house, quit (lost) my job, brought all my stuff here. It's no longer a simple matter of packing my car and making the 3-day trip home. I no longer have a home to run to. And it'll take at least 2 days to pack up and get out – and that's if I had help, which I don't. We went to church Sunday. Finally. Tried White Stone, where Dan and Kathy started going. Different vibe than Riverglen, but I liked it. The people seemed very friendly, though we didn't really talk to anyone. The sermon was on perseverance, out of Psalm 129. Psalm is one of my favorite books. The pastor talked about how easy it can be to give up, how good it can feel to just quit, but in that state we don't think about the consequences of quitting. Once example he gave was divorce, or walking out of a relationship in the heat of the moment and all of the ramifications that decision can have. Kind of like what he does every time he gets angry. He made a point at least twice to make exception for abusive situations. I had tears in my eyes by the time the service ended. What does this message mean for me? Persevere through our relationship problems? Or is this a message of encouragement to stand strong and get myself back to a safe place in life? My bible titles this chapter Protection of the Oppressed. Fitting. How do I make it my own? How do I get through this? I wonder if he'll preach on chapter 130 next. Awaiting Redemption.

7/2/21 It's been a week. Monday and Tuesday he didn't work because of rain. The rest of the week I've been consumed with other stuff (more on that later). It's difficult to find time to write when Garrett is home. I'm expected to devote my time and attention to him when he's here. One day last week he came home early. I was getting sick of sitting around (and cleaning to keep busy) so I sat down at my computer to look for jobs. “What are you doing?” “Can't you do that tomorrow when I'm not here?” Of course, the expectation is not the same for him. He does whatever he wants and I'm expected to accept it without saying a word. He seems to always have his face in his phone, reading articles on Fox news, texting someone, or talking on the phone. I can literally be mid-sentence and his phone will ring and he'll answer it. Last week we were walking into a bar for dinner and his phone rang, so he answered it. Talked as we walked across the parking lot, but was still talking as we got to the door and walked inside. So now I'm inside a crowded bar, looking for a place to sit, and he's ignoring me talking on his phone. So rude. When he did get off his phone his turned his back completely and started playing on the slot machine directly behind him. I couldn't even watch what he was playing because he was directly between me and the machine. So I just sat there, alone, looking around. The other night we were in a restaurant having dinner. His phone buzzed and he immediately picked it up. I spent the next 15 minutes watching him look at his phone. I finally asked if he wanted to invite them to dinner. It was the guy he is doing the side job for with a list of complaints. I told him it could wait and hour. Of course it couldn't. He just HAD to address it at that very minute. I could sense he was angry and would say something stupid. Told him it probably wasn't a good idea to respond immediately. He just picked up his phone and proceeded to respond to every single thing the guy said. Another 10 minutes. Really fucking rude. And terrible for business relationships. You don't get referrals and recommendations by mouthing off at your customers. He wants to start a business, but he'll have a terrible time getting it off the ground acting like that. AND he could damage Keith's reputation. People speak highly of Keith. But if word gets out that he's got a jackass working for him or doing his side jobs they may be inclined to take their business elsewhere. I certainly would! Keith is known for being trustworthy and reasonable with his pricing. Garrett is already marking up materials. I was able to have lunch with Tori after all. Garrett and Zach had to work in the morning after all. I just told him I brought her some eggs. I'm really glad we had a chance to hang out. She is such a ray of sunshine. A really sweet girl, just trying to heal from an abusive childhood. I was pretty sure he was abusive to his ex-wife, and probably the other exes (and their children) as well, but it never occurred to me he did the same things to his kids. Name calling, pitting his girlfriend against her, throwing things at her (!!), telling her she couldn't come home or sleep in the house, actually kicking her out – as a teenager! She mentioned that she still flinches if Chris gets upset, and gets nervous if he starts to clean or gets the vacuum out. Well, that explains the rage-cleaning episode the other day. She calls it “cleaning AT you.” Very accurate description. It sounds like Chris is better to her than her dad ever was. Contrary to what he claims, she doesn't actually put the full blame on him or side with her mother. I commented that her mom must be a saint for putting up with his shit for as long as she did. “Oh no, she's not!” She is able to see how each parent contributed to their problems, and what they did to each other. That girl's eyes are wide open. He assumes that she blames him for everything just because she keeps in contact with her mom. I shouldn't be surprised. I told Tori I was worried about Zach. As far as I can tell, he has never had a good example of a healthy relationship. I don't want him adopting his dad's behaviors as his own and treating women the same way. She assured me that he is very well aware that the way he acts is wrong. It's why he doesn't have a temper. He is very careful not to get angry the way his dad does. And they talk. “Remember when ____ happened? That wasn't right, was it?” Thank God! I was (still am) worried that the two of them would drift apart because of the way their dad acts towards Tori. Zach is already estranged from his mom and her side of the family because of his dad. He doesn't need to lose Tori too. She has tons of family – their mom's side of the family, and now getting to know her bio dad and his side of the family – but she is the only family Zach has left. I've also noticed that Zach is drifting from his dad's side of the family as well. He doesn't hang out with his cousin or check in with his grandparents as often as he used to. I can't help but wonder if it has something to do with the way Garrett talks about them or avoids spending time with them. He has been doing a lot of fishing with Dana lately. I hope they keep that up. Dana seems like a great guy and a much better father figure. She also told me Zach doesn't hate Madeline (despite what his dad claims) – he actually likes her. Wishes he could hang out with her, but it causes too many problems with his dad. I hope she's helped Madeline understand that too. Garrett is the one that pitted them against each other, and everyone can see it. It's becoming very clear to me that Garrett's behavior is destroying his relationships and ruining his life. Eventually he will drive away his own son, his pride and joy. Then what will he do? Zach does seem to be the only person that can get through to him. Will he finally realize what he's doing? Or will he become a bitter, lonely old man? He's already well on his way. Sunday was Myles' graduation party. Lots of family and law enforcement officers (Dana's colleagues) present. He proudly introduced me as his fiancé, which sparked a very awkward (for me) conversation with his cousin about dates and venues. He also made a point to introduce me to several of the officers and talk about old times. I get it, you know the entire Village of Summit police force. Doesn't mean they won't do their job if I need them.

I should probably mention that the day after Garrett's last temper tantrum Madeline told me she was bleeding – again. Too soon, but once again confirms he was PMSing. Speaking of PMSing. Winnie still hasn't been fixed. Several weeks ago I told him that it should probably happen before she goes into heat again. He said he would have Zach find a clinic. Weeks went by and still nothing. The other day I commented that she's will be going into heat soon. He got angry, assumed I was nagging him about getting her fixed, said he'll make Zach make an appointment (which he did). I told him I'm not saying it to get on his case, I'm saying it because I'm noticing signs that she's about to go into heat. Sure enough, the very next day as I'm getting into bed I notice blood on the sheets. She's in heat. Why does nobody ever listen to me? I really don't want to deal with this again. So not only is Garrett sensitive to human hormones, he reacts to dog ones as well. He's been acting moody again, but until yesterday doing a fairly decent job of keeping a lid on it. Yesterday morning I wanted to use the TV to listen to music, but couldn't get it to turn on – so I texted Garrett. Ended up getting upset because I STILL can't figure out how to work the TV in “my” home, but everyone else can. Here's our conversation: G: We need to work on finding positive please E: I've been saying that for a long time. E: But it's not right that I am never allowed to be frustrated. I have feelings too. G: I know but we are focusing and latching onto everything that's negative. And you feeling you don't have a home sucks. I don't know what else I can do. E: Yes you do G: What E: Can I answer that without you getting angry? G: I'm not going to get angry. E: Stop throwing me out. Stop insulting and demeaning me. Using your words as weapons to get your way. Stop pointing the finger. It's not necessary to blame someone else for everything that goes wrong. Shit happens. Getting angry never makes it better. Consider my feelings when you do things. Or how you would feel if it was me doing that thing. Think about what I might want or need. Or ask me (and then listen). Make me more important than your temper. G: I will work on my reaction and hopefully Everyone will work on the issues. E: Do you think we're not? By the time he got home he was ready for a full blown rage. Apparently he had a rough day at work. He and Keith got into it (shocker). The AC here stopped working several days ago, so he had a guy coming out to put in a new one (he has a backup). But when the guy came, it was just to look at it. Won't be able to work on it until next Wednesday. It would cost $2,800 to replace the unit (but he doesn't have to, because he has a backup!) Told Zach to mow the lawn, but something is wrong with the lawn mower. It's smoking and he smells oil. (He knew that, because it was doing it last time he mowed it – two weeks ago.) So he started ranting about how much it's going to cost to fix it. “Everyone is gonna have to suck it up and stop complaining because I have to have the lawn mower fixed!” Then he started going on about the TV not working. Started to accuse Madeline of unplugging something or changing the settings (here comes the blaming I was talking about). Starting making shit up to yell at me about. Accused me of constantly complaining, yelling at him about everything (because I spoke up when he tracked in mud right after the floor had been mopped – two days in a row), claims I hate the dogs, etc. Got himself worked up in no time. Yelling, putting his finger in my face, storming around, following me around, slamming doors, getting in my face. I told him to be very careful where he takes this. “YOU be careful!” (finger in my face) I decided to get away before he got to the name-calling part, so I told him I'm going to the store. Followed me out the door yelling (“don't come back!”) and acted like he wouldn't let me get in the car or would block me from driving away. “Don't come back!” He caught himself before making too much of a scene this time (I'm sure the neighbors are watching now) and I was able to get away. Unfortunately, because of the way he was acting I wasn't able to grab any of my stuff. Went to Walmart to grab some things and let him cool off. G: You will never be happy here. It's very clear. I get it. Everything positive from this home is gone. Drained! I can't fix it. And sick of being the fall guy for other people's misery! G: And you want to talk about busting ass? Walk in my shoes for a day. E: So much for not getting angry. G: I could tell things where going bad the day you grounded her. It's been fucking miserable. You actually had the balls to attack me for not answering my phone. Even though you never call and always text. Once again set me up for someone else's bad behavior. Just needed to lash out. I've tried everything I can I'm fucking exhausted ! I'm sick of the gloom and doom around here. It's getting to the point I don't want to come in my own home. You hate the dogs, everything gets on your nerves. I don't see anyone helping Zack and I. No instead candy crush is the way to go. Apparently that's not making you happy either. E: You're right. It was ballsy to say anything to you about anything. Because your response is to lash out. I'm sick of living in fear of your temper. I've also been afraid to say this: if you keep telling me to leave I will. Choose wisely. G: I'm sick of being your fall guy for unhappiness. It emotionally draining. If your not happy here it is what it is. I can't keep you happy G: You can't say a single positive thing about anything. Gloom and doom I would have got a hotel room, but I had nothing but my purse on me. And then the IBS decided to flare. So I had to come back. Thankfully (or maybe not) he had calmed down by the time I got back. On the couch watching Fox News (because THAT's positive). Poor Zach was upset. Sounds like Garrett was acting like a tyrant all day. (Garrett later mentioned being mad at Zach for being out so late the night before. And Keith for “being an ass.”) Madeline got a job at Mama D's. Had a second interview yesterday and started today. I haven't told Garrett yet, because the sooner he knows, the sooner he will start thinking of ways to get mad about that and finding something to blame her for – even though we've wanted her to work at Mama D's for a long time because they have better hours (eliminating the scheduling issues) and is right off the bike trail (eliminating the transportation issue). I don't mind driving her to and from work, but it makes him angry. He still hasn't released my phone number to me. I haven't started applying for jobs because I know he will hold that number hostage (or turn my phone off) the next time he throws me out. He's done it before. I can't be in the middle of the hiring process and then have nobody able to reach me because he threw a temper tantrum and turned it off. So I activated a new line on a backup phone (took several days because of issues with the SIM card) and set up google voice to have calls come to my primary line. I tested it out and there's a little bit of a delay, but it works. Now I can FINALLY start looking for a job!!! I need to find a safe place to stash getaway bags where I can grab then quickly the next time he goes into a rage. I wish I could just get away for a few days, just to rest and clear my head, but of course that would spark yet another tantrum. I'm not yet prepared to hit the road. Ideally, I'd like to get a job, start working, find a place (maybe even buy a house?) and get out of here. Sometimes I think about letting Zach rent a room from me. Once we're gone, Garrett will have no one else to abuse and will turn his attention on Zach. He doesn't need that. Besides, these kids are awesome – in spite of it all. I really want to keep them both.