I came to be there, shocked into existence that day. The father was teaching my brother not to have emotion. To be disconnected. I was only a means to that end. The father had me pinned down on my stomach and tore my pants and underwear to the floor. He pushed my brother towards me and pulled his pants off. He told him to -just do it! He kept barking at him to do it and told him he wasn’t going to get out of this until he did. I was shutting down in shivering waves and fear.

I stopped feeling my legs. I could feel my neck strained against the couch cushions I was bent over in a painful way and I worried they’d also snap my neck. The couch smelled old and dust filled. I prayed my brother would stand up to the father. He was crying and shaking too. His fists began to ball up and I felt hopeful. The father wouldn’t stop staring at my brother in the face and telling him to just do it. Stop being a wimp- he said. I don’t know how long this went on. I couldn’t feel my body when he finally snapped and raped me for my father.

I had been crying and then stopped during the rape which I’ve thought was strange, and now know the numbness that takes over is a blessing. My brother let out a roar and cry as he broke. Some part of him took over and never left him after that. The father said breathlessly-yes! Like he’d achieved something in my brother. I wasn’t even sport. My brother was. I didn’t exist. I don’t know what happened when it was finished. I don’t remember directly after.

I would spend the rest of my high school career in terror of my brother and the father. My brother didn’t want me telling anyone and he would regularly corner me and threaten me. What I saw was, he wanted to feel that approval and power again from the rape and the father. He’d trap me against walls or in the bathroom. He’d appear out of nowhere and move towards me with ill intent on his face, and then pretend like nothing had happened and my fear was funny to him. He held contempt for my emotions. The father never talked to or acknowledged I existed. I was my brothers to torment. #NSFW