Final Straw(s)...
This is my diary, and I am a divorced (stoner) mom. Really, it’s that simple. OK – the story behind why isn’t as simple (are they ever?). With that said, I’m frequently asked as to what my “final straw” was in the doomed relationship (more on that, later). To preface this, these questions often come from another writing forum I (guest) contribute to, friends, and friends of friends – so on.
My answer: emotional maturity (or, lack thereof). My ex did not have it, and I did not acknowledge it (not at first). The bigger issue with the lack of emotional maturity was that it was not only my ex, but his ex-wife (the woman stalked me – at work). In her mind, had I not magically “appeared” my ex would have re-married her (I was informed by a mutual acquaintance – cannot make this shit up). Her solution: I wasn’t going away, so the best choice was to condition their children (eventually, my daughter’s half siblings) to hate me. Because, using children as pawns is such a wise thing. It doesn’t fuck them up later on in life, or anything. Pretty sure this is in Parenting 101.
I dedicated years to forging a relationship with two children who thought the worst of me. I spent a mini fortune on the newest, hottest gadgets, Nike’s (Lebron’s are insanely expensive), and event tickets (basketball games, concerts, etc.). I fixed wounds from bike accidents. I gave out cold medicine in the middle of the night when someone woke up coughing. I baked every single cookie recipe I could find. While I was more than happy to do this, the time came when I realized that none of it mattered. The hours of OT I put in with the kids were wiped out by the ex-wife. Each time the children returned to her home, she quashed my efforts with her words. Truth is, I was unable to establish a deeper connection. This was the motive behind shaming me, and it worked.
The caveat: the ex-wife is not entirely to blame. Perhaps my ex, more so. When I was being stalked, verbally ripped apart, and ridiculed – my ex refused to step up. He was also conditioned – to be a bit of a coward. His lack of emotional maturity disallowed him to protect the second family he had chosen to start (self, and daughter). Instead, he kept the peace by pretending none of these things had ever happened. I recall that I begged for him to run interception, at one point. He was far too scared. To this day, I believe the fear was a symptom of something bigger – he wasn’t conditioned to emotionally cope as an adult. Most of us develop our emotional maturity in distinct stages (there have been novels written on this). My ex never reached that point (for whatever reason). Unfortunately, it took me years to recognize this (and quit being in denial).
Do I blame my ex’s children for being wary of me? Not one bit – I doubt I would’ve reacted differently as a child. Truth is, I blame the serious lack of maturity on behalf of their parents. While divorces and remarriages are never an easy transition, they are a natural fact of life (these days). Unfortunately, the only way this works is if all involved (adult) parties act like…well….adults. If you chose to re-marry and/or have more child(ren), you must be willing to protect that family from harm (emotional, or otherwise).
The big question, then: to consider a serious relationship (or marriage) with someone who has children and an ex-husband/wife. There are those who will staunchly answer, “NO-NEVER-SAVE YOURSELF…!!” Frankly, I don’t think this is the answer (it casts all single parents in a bad light). However, the answer isn’t super straight-forward. Such is the dichotomy of life.
A relationship will work (in any situation) if the following criteria are met: trust, friendship, support, respect, love, passion, and honest commitment. Most marriages fall apart because one of these needs are not met (I categorize finances in trust – that’s just my opinion). If any of the above mentioned needs are neglected – forget it. Your life will be miserable. First, second, third, or fourth marriage. Kids, or not.
My final straw (drum roll, please): my ex actually told me his kids hated me. We had separated (I had given multiple warnings). I was momentarily contemplating a reconciliation (we had been communicating well, going on small dates, etc.). However, what started as a simple disagreement completely blew up into how awful of a person I was. My leaving was just cause to let the cat out of the bag – even though I had known my efforts were mostly in vain. In that moment, I realized that nothing I did would matter (this was a heavy feeling). Furthermore, anything bad would always be heaped on me (this had been primed from the start). Being a scapegoat isn’t my idea of a good time (it ended badly for Lee Harvey Oswald, after all).
If you’re at all curious, BuzzFeed puts out some candid articles about relationships. This one is definitely relatable to anyone who’s experienced this: https://www.buzzfeed.com/amphtml/shelbyheinrich/relationships-breakup-flipped
Families and relationships are something I like to reflect upon around the holidays. Why…? Well, it’s easy to fall into a trap of craving perfection in situations perfection will never exist (marriage is only one example). My daughter and I have moved on to form our own holiday traditions and hobbies (she and I love to snowboard). Our family consists of blood relatives, and non. Real talk – family is something you make. Anytime you are taken for granted (or, your needs are neglected), consider that true family members go out of their way to nurture and protect one another. While imperfect, the intent is unquestionably there.
Love thyself, the rest will come.
~SM