thaison

Woke up from my worst nap ever because I took a medication that caused drowsiness last night. Hope the running nose is worth the neck pain.

Never went to a hospital. Never got severe. But I'm like a vampire and sensitive to sunlight and changing weather. As well as neighbors' out-of-tune karaoke.

I used to scream at my neighbors for them to lower their voices so I could do my homework. Then my parents acted all sad and sympathetic for having a high-maintenance child. But they actually and secretly encouraged me to do that so they could still keep their good rep among the community.

I didn't do anything suspicious today. But I need to go to sleep early. See you later.

Hihi. Good luck tomorrow.

“But you can choose not to be narcissistic! You can be both different AND respectful to others about it. As long as you know how to do it in a socially appropriate way. Starting from today, you can learn the perfect formula of inclusivity, diversity, and gender role reversal!”

Great. Thanks for the suggestion. But I would like to keep the libido.

Now I think I track down where my narcissism come from.

So someone thinks I should feel ashamed about something I am not aware of, or aware of but don't agree, typically some silly social norms. And I don't feel shame about that particular behavior. But since they HINT that it's not acceptable, now I feel annoyed. I can either pretend to agree to keep the peace and that would make me a people pleaser. Or acting arrogant to prove that I'm above their backward mentality.

“Oh but you say you are depressive. Why don't you just accept that people are different and be sad all day?”

Depressive alone is not sustainable. Being sad is only worth it if I know FOR SURE the person cares for me and fails. Certainly wouldn't waste my sadness on random people at school, especially many of them actually hate me.

Narcissism and borderline are both shortcut ways to see people. But, unlike borderline, I don't believe some of them are good, and the other are evil. I, however, do believe I'm better than both of them, and have the evidence for it.

It's pretty cold here tonight. See you later.

Get extremely angry just by talking to normal people.

See you later. Have fun tomorrow.

Wait, do you know I can cut and sew? And not with a family sewing machine. But an industrial one? It's just much cheaper buying from the stores. Also, I found out I only wanted to come up with wild ideas, not doing the actual work of manipulating garments.

So psychodynamic manual is supposed to be NOT behavioral. Yet it's description is still behavioral.

Obsessive is described as conscientious boring living machine STEM dude. But they don't explain why they have to be both conscientious AND boring to be obsessive. If you are conscientious and funny then that just being cool twice.

For example, parents tell you that a good student must focus on study. What would you do when you have a crush on a boy?

You might think that your parents, though with good intentions, have wrong opinions. But that's your parents. They feed you. Now, can they both love you and get off your back? It seems like a mature response to be depressive. But bearing differences is not easy. Especially if you are too different from too many people.

To think that if you have different opinions as your caregivers, they will take their love and protection away. Therefore they must remain the most loving parents with the most righteous views. It would be sinful of you to believe otherwise. That's splitting. However, it only guarantees how you try to convince yourself, not how you actually conduct yourself. Splitters carry that same idealization and then devaluation to everyone else later in life, whether coworkers or neighbors.

Then there is the middle ground where you think your parents want good things for you, you should listen to them. Yes, it works well for you. Now your libido is zero. But what about other kids who have crushes on boys? How should you think about them? Is their morality corrupt? Do they have bad parents? Now you feel icky every time they walk past your class. Even when obsessive grows up and learns to be progressive and sex positive, they still carry the same mentality of weighing which option is the RIGHT thing to do. Even when they are encouraging their depressive friends, the depressive ones still feel it's a judgement rather than empathy.