Isn't it cool that folks who click the box “Hell yeah” for the question “Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict?” are also the first ones to throw tantrums? When you don't confront previous conflicts, you bring that transference to the next person without knowing where it comes from.

Used to go to sleep at 2 AM. Now I wake up at 3 AM.

Get back on writing

I stopped writing in my early 20s. Because, well, I knew what I was doing.

I deleted everything I wrote after 15 minutes. Because it didn't take more time than that to realize I employed narcissistic defense.

Writing when I was 14 was fun because I was purely idealistic. Sure my classmate hired older dudes to (unsuccessfully) beat me up and my teammates threw trash at me. But I also had many good relationships at the time. And normally, it took years for avoidance to peak. In the beginning, it only made me funnier therefore a great conversationalist.

Depressive + narcissistic personality is a great combo for creative communication. As you feel deeply, and have the courage to say it out loud. But after 18, all I had left was narcissistic. Avoidance ate all the depressive in my disposal. Which was more than okay. Because I was about to sign myself up for the best economics school in the country and couldn't wait to join the dark side of humanity. Yeah I was a total realist.

The problem with knowing your own arrogance is, there is very little you can actually do about it. To be more socially acceptable, or to ease up the superego, a quick fix solution is to employ moralizing defense. But it would be a performance. Much like how changing clothes doesn't make you a new person. The boho maxi dress doesn't make you more loving and peaceful. The denim jacket with rivets doesn't make you more courageous.

Now that I get my depressive back, I want to write a gain, and listen to love songs as well.

♫ You. And me. I will love you my boy. ♪

The science forum

Thinking about forums a lot lately. As I'm going back to square one in terms of relationships.

Back then I switched schools like 5 times, and each time I had to make new friends again. From 6th grade, things got steady and I stayed in one place. So I couldn't blame my ability to make friends on being a nomad.

I, however, hid all my online friends in secret like something shameful. Which, now looking back, I probably shouldn't have. But there was a huge difference between my relationships with my normal classmates and those online kids that made me feel like I was living a double life. It was hard to tell which identity was more real. I worked too much and said nothing at school. But I was funny and talkative and personal with those online kids. So who's to say I had socializing problems? I knew how to read before all other toddlers, so who's to say I had communication problems?

My sibling used forums too, but only to study on English boards. Me, on the other hand, hung out way too much at the physics board and made friends with everyone there (and definitely NOT because I was in love with a physics boy in real life at that time).

I didn't understand why I was so insisting on hiding a certain part of my life until very later.

Best place to hide a depressive personality is in plain sight, gloomy writings, but with uplifting chords and colorful visualization.

On Friendship

There was this huge kid at school that I never talked to and didn't care for. One day I found out she was into stars. It just so happened I was into black holes. Before we knew it, we promised we would go travel and explore the world together. It was fun to be 16 and have a best friend.

We all want to see ourselves as 3-dimensional characters. But judging others using shortcuts is way more effective. From there, we select very few people we like to get to know them better. Then we realize, they are not just a goth, or a punk. But what happens if the person is radically different, almost like false advertising?

It's clear to me that to have any chance of being understood at all, one needs to make effort to know others.

That's where I don't care for activism. The general move to popularize an idea is to develop simple and positive narratives. It certainly helps image management of the collectives. But it doesn't help me as an individual. Because individuals are multi-dimensional and want to be seen, not to be idealized.

As it turns out, you can be popular with as many people as possible, but there are limited number of people you can bond meaningfully with. Because meaningful relationships take time. And people who are willing to invest in you will never be the majority.

I spent no time thinking about genders until my first job at 23. All my childhood I was surrounded by people who also didn't care for gender norms. During school ceremonies, Eta and I hid behind the bushes for we didn't want to wear proper dresses. Some kids made fun of my appearance or behaviour but who cared? I expected they would get over it as adults. But most only move from one stereotype to another, with some flavor of progressive. And to be honest I don't see it getting any better. If using shortcuts is still working for someone, why change? After all, I too, use shortcuts for most people I encounter every day. And only leave curiosity for people that I know to be loners.