thaison

There is a certain pride in signing off a royalty check. I wouldn't know because I used Payoneer so the money could get to me faster. Especially here in Vietnam where no one knows what to do with a check, so you might have to run to several different banks. Every time you will have to explain to the bank tellers what a hassle you go through just to get the money from your own book. So much pride!

The myth is that royalty is a passive income that comes as a perk when you work in books with publishers. It's not passive because sales of everything will go down over the years. It's not a perk when you are already underpaid. Kind of a luck, because out of 30 books (might take several decades), you might get 1 book that actually generates meaningful royalties. IF lucky!

So when someone said I have a book that brings in 50k in royalties, they forget to divide it by 30. Because when you run 30 ads and 1 ads that brings sales, you have to count the entire ads set of 30 different ads as the cost of business. The math works in favour of publishers because they are distributors and they can scale.

Unlike running ads where you are responsible for your marketing and have yourself to blame when it doesn't work and are still poor. You don't have any say in how other people print or sell a book, so you can only blame capitalism and be bitter.

Actually when I'm not dismissively avoiding, I don't become normal. I become anxious. A few years ago, one time, my mom was late for an hour. When she got home, I burst into tears and cried a whole afternoon. My mom had to give me 2 sandwiches to calm me down but was unsuccessful. I did take a little break after finishing the first sandwich though.

No I’m much more confident showing off my singing talent at home knowing my neighbor is Russian.

Okay I'm done my biology session for today. See you tomorrow.

Turns out, my school friends weren't writing about you in my notebook. I answered one of the questions wrong. I think I like my new explanation much more.

I’m on the final spread of a book. It’s getting super boring.

I’m having my daily coconut drink for the day. Yesterday I came up with a new opening technique. I think I will continue to drink coconut for a long time.

Being a dismissive avoidant is very lame. I'm still trying to separate avoidance as a defense and as a relational attachment as I haven't thought much about that.

About attachment, it meant in the face of the unknown with the possibility of rejection, I would think badly about the other person to downplay the potential pain of loss. Past verb because I don't have to do that now. But I was a cruel teenager. Because I wasn't properly equipped to feel that much pain. I was normal to strangers or classmates though. Their disappearance meant very little to me.

I learned all that from my dad. He probably learned from my grandpa. I was closer to my dad than my sister, while also had more topics and differences to argue about. So theoretically, he had to be more dismissive toward me. But it wasn't neglect, he volunteered to drive me to school whenever it was rainy. Relationship between my dad and my sister, however, was just simply awkward, but functional.

I started to see it as a problem when my sister and I had a huge argument when I was 21. I spent a whole week making fun of her. And acted arrogant for several months. Oh that was after I declared not to talk to her ever. My mom was fed up with the whole thing but thought it was too stupid to intervene. So when I was 23 and met my sister's close friend in HCM city, I was surprised when she said my sister was very proud of me. Up until then I thought everyone was just putting up with me.

People often describe avoidant as someone who fears of commitment. I, however, only have problems with committing to people I don't like. But I don't think having any particular behavior that out of the norm says anything about a person. I think it's more important to notice how you feel and how you do about it.

I don't think it's possible for me to be totally secure, trusting in my attachment right of the bat and still be the person I am now. And there are many positive things about knowing who you are before meeting people you love.

There is this saying, “It's the relationship that heals.”. It means relational issues can be solved only in practice, not in the theory. After I wrote the short paragraph “Love” last year, I wanted to hide for a few days. Just because one potential exposure of affection was one possibility of rejection. (Note that I had no issue talking about outrageous or offensive political things.) But I think I don't need time to recover now even if I say love every day.

Not to brag but the most dysfunctional people I know all come from perfect families with loving, caring parents (their words). Denial is destructive.

The pharmacy on my walking route didn't have my usual moisturizer. But I was too lazy to drive 1km to the opposite direction to buy. Not just 1km, you also have to cross the streets several times. And the houses on the way there are ugly, too. So I had to apply snail gel twice a day instead of once. Turns out, my skin can be smoother and silkier.