We must be willing to let go of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

- Joseph Campbell

Yes, we plan things in our minds of what we hope our future will look like. What our goals are. We've done it in the past, we do it now; and yet, who would have ever thought we would be where we are now? Today?

I've always been the type that I don't really plan for the future. I always focus on today (and yes, I think of the past as well – GUILTY!) because I've always thought -

This way of thinking does not work for everyone, I get it, but it works for me. I like to be flexible. I NEED to be flexible!! Especially with all the kids and the different schedules we have!!

Now that's not really a bad way of thinking, even considering what is going on today.

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It's not thinking negative – it's just the way it is – for me!

I have re-shifted a little – from working in the Paralegal field, to my writing, speaking, Tik Tok videos, and now this ...

A R T ! ! !

It's not perfect, I messed up because I thought I would do it with a marker first and not pencil!! Ooops, that was a mistake!! But by doing this, it really helped with my anxious feelings, I noticed.

You see, anxiety happens because we are wanting to control the events that happen in our daily lives, as well as our future. We worry about things because “we just don't know”. And if we “don't know”, then how can we seriously plan for it? We can't control what's going to happen tomorrow! Period. If we sit and worry about all the little shit that “could” happen, how can we really be happy?

Here, I want to share a quick video...I didn't think to record the different stages that I did this “art”, and I wish I did now. So, I just put it into a quick Tik Tok Video which you can also find on my Cinnamon channel...

https://www.cinnamon.video/watch?v=332671292643738870

The reason for my art here – is my anxiety. It really relaxed me!! All the different lines, circles, shapes. I used black and white because well, I think of it as Mandala Art, right? Not quite quite, but almost!

I came across this, and couldn't agree more! ...

“Focus on your drawing, and let your creativity flow. Your mandala is your sacred circle, and it tells your story. Drawing mandalas as a form of art therapy can reduce anxiety, tension and overall stress. Drawing stimulates creativity and is a way to release emotional blockages.”

[Source](https://www.mrt.com/news/health_and_wellness/article/Drawing-mandalas-can-help-reduce-stress-11001941.php)

Keep living your life the way that makes you happy!! It doesn't matter how many different things you try. What matters is that you overcome your anxious thoughts, and just keep pushing forward, one day at a time!

To see some really cool, amazing artwork, I highly recommend you look at Kass' work!! His videos, his art – just AMAZING!!

To read more about my art, check out the Subscribers-Only Section! Thank you for reading!!

“Let's untangle our mind, and set it free...”

My Title Quote – is by Kimberly “Sweet Brown” Wilkins, who escaped a fire in an apartment complex and when interviewed, her video on YouTube went viral for her words. Here's her song...

https://youtu.be/waEC-8GFTP4

First of all, I have to say thank you to Lego for inspiring me to post this article. I had published it, then unpublished it, because well, that's just me and my insecurities. If you haven't read what she has to say, I highly recommend you read her articles, they are just as amazing as she is!!

There are some things in life that you just have to find a way to say, that exact quote, “Ain't nobody got time for that”. The way I look at it, when it comes to some things in life – it helps you to say, “I'm better than that”. “I can do it”. Maybe I'm misinterpreting this quote, but that is how I see it.

And then there's this...

There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn't.

- John Green

I think my brain is a “bit of everything” kinda brain...oh my, does that even make sense? I guess that's why I say I'm always untangling my mind!

There are some days when it gets overwhelmed with emotion...

[Source](https://media.giphy.com/media/ZbZ9SgRhmPpAPKqFl3/giphy.gif)

It's because I think too much, I know, when my brain is in overload. And I try not to, really. But I also know that it's okay, because I will get over it, at some point!!

Because then there are other days when it's like I'm the happiest person alive!!

**Source**

These days are my best days – and they are most of my days, but sometimes, things do boggle my mind.

There's this quote by Christina Aguilera:

You are beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can't bring you down.

Yes, I know it's a lot about self-confidence and self-love. I know that words said, shouldn't bring me down, nor anyone for that matter!! And so what do we do to keep pushing forward? How do we “let it go”?!

I am making this more of a subscriber only article, since I get more in depth below.

As most of you know, I have geared towards putting more of my Tik Tok videos on my Cinnamon Account.

All I can say is, don't ever lose hope in yourself or in life. It sucks when your brain tells you all the negative crap, and that's what it is...NEGATIVE CRAP!!

As long as you keep positive (even if that means getting help) – then you will find that there is meaning to life. Don't ever feel ashamed for thinking or even over-thinking. We are who we are, and we have our reasons for doing the things we choose to do in life.

Don't let words of others bring you down. Because guess what? You are beautiful and you are who you are – keep smiling, and keep making the best of life, as much as you can!! That's what I'm doing – one day at a time! ❤️

“Let's untangle our mind, and set it free...”

Almost a year ago now, I had joined Coil, and while chatting with the Coil Fam at one point, I had mentioned one day I would write about my daughter's birth. Their motivation has helped to keep that idea in my mind, and I am thankful for that!

My article of yesterday drew some attention, and I was redirected to Riley's article, The Fear of Becoming “Mom”. Further chatting with her, she inspired me to finally just write. my. story. You see, I think I have been putting it off for too long, but the thing is, I think it may help someone along their journey. I spoke with my ex-husband (we will call him “D”), and got the “OKAY” to write about this, so here I go!

Please know that I am not writing this to steer anyone away from their choices in life. I'm just sharing my experience...

It was in November of 2003 when we discovered I was pregnant with our first child. “It” was to be born in the first week of July, 2004. I had just turned 24 in August, which meant I would have my first child by the age of 25. Yikes!! I was excited, we had waited a couple of years before we decided to have children and when we said, let's try – it happened right away!!

D is a “techy” guy. He is a Network Administrator, and can pretty much do anything computer related. Me, I'm just a small town girl ... My point in saying this is, that I wanted to have my children through a Midwife at home; yet, he wanted to have our children in the hospital – with technology. After many discussions, we decided to have the best of both worlds – A Midwife IN the Hospital!

At the time, we were living with my parents at the lake and were doing about a two hour each way commute to work.

**That was our backyard**

During the time I was pregnant, there were many “relief” breaks, me complaining about the heat and the cold in the car (I could never get comfortable). I had my naps, and I had the crazy leg cramps to go along with it!!!

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And let's not forget my cravings. Pizza and Frozen Yogurt. Yes, the girl who hates yogurt fell in love with Frozen Yogurt, and I had at least one slice of pizza every day – I would pick it up whenever I could, wherever I could!! Sounds crazy, I know, but for all three pregnancies, I had different cravings and these were the ones for this one!

Those were the easy things – the hard thing about me being pregnant were my emotions – which seemed out of whack! Crying for no reason, any time of any day!! I had quit smoking as soon as I found out, so it could have been a lack of the nicotine as well. I will say this, D was pretty darn patient with me at that time!!

Let's fast forward a bit – getting closer to the due date – we started seeing the midwives more frequently – turns out there are two of them. One for the delivery and one for assistance. I am not going to mention names in this article, or locations, for the privacy of the people involved.

We wanted our first child to be a surprise, but we already had in mind what names we would choose. And as it turns out, it was a GIRL!!! The one name that always stuck with me was “Julianna”. I wanted to spell it the Italian way – Giuliana, but we compromised and spelled it the “English” way, which was also fine with me!! Julianna

I had planned to leave work two weeks before the due date, before I started my Maternity Leave, and all was fine – a baby shower was held for me and everything was moving along smoothly. My sister would be in the delivery room video recording our first child coming into this world, and I would be playing the one song I always sat and listened to at night. The one song I had playing in the hospital room during birth. The one song that I rocked my daughter to sleep, and the one song she plays EVERY night, which is played all night long...

https://youtu.be/UzDVZzIIcy8

This is the exact CD I bought, and I as I write this, I'm starting to tear up. Have a listen while you read ...

My birth wasn't exactly a birth I wish upon anyone, and it actually left my sister scared not wanting to have children. BUT, she is now a mother of two beautiful boys. I like to think of it that I showed her that even with all the shit I went through during my first childbirth, I could do it again, and I did. Twice more!

I think a lot of women fear birth. I know I had my fears, and if you know me, I'm the girl who can't handle needles. I'm the girl who gets scared going under. I'm the girl who's scared about a lot of things, but I try to be strong for my girls. I try to be strong for the ones I love. My pain comes last. My children come first. You know what I mean?

I know I got a bit side-tracked, I'm sorry. Let me continue...but to find out what went so wrong with the midwives and my delivery, you will have to be a subscriber, or simply just subscribe to Coil ($5 a month really isn't that bad!!) to read the rest...

Just know that when you are experiencing your first childbirth – it's your body, it's your mind, and you are allowed to get emotional. Embrace the support offered and just take it one day at a time!! ❤️

“Let's untangle our mind, and set it free...”

I had originally wanted to share this on Mother's Day, but you know what? Better late then never!! It is something I wrote a couple of years ago, before Mark and I got married.

It ... starts ... now ...

I think of how fast time flies.

I think of me being a kid, and how my own mother raised me.

It’s funny because I used to say, “I won’t do that with my kids” (referring to when I didn’t get to do the things I wanted to, or get things that I wanted!).

And now, today, I find myself raising my children, along with Mark’s 2 younger ones, the same way my mom raised me. That says something right there about the respect and love I have towards my mother, which she fully deserves!!

I always ask mom, jokingly, why she never gave me a parenting handbook?! As the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and years slide by...

Damn, there's been ups and downs, like a roller coaster, BUT you know what? It's a part of life, and I wouldn't change any of it!

One day, a customer at the store came up to me and said, “You are doing a fantastic job. You are beautiful and strong to be raising all those children, especially with their challenges.” I'm not one to take compliments well – I get all beet red in the face and avoid eye contact...But, I was thinking, even if they didn't have challenges, it wouldn't change my love for them! Here was this woman, praising me! And to me, she was praising me for what I do on a daily basis, in which I do because I WANT to. I chose to have children, I chose to be with Mark. And I will love them and continue to love them for as long as I am here!!

A mom to three beautiful children, and four soon-to-be step-children. Three of which are on the spectrum, another with Tourette’s, and the “middle” child who is 12, going on 22!! I still don’t know how I juggle everyday life when we have all five in the same household, but I can say that having Mark by my side makes it easier!! We have our routine, and that’s a big thing in our household.

Julianna, Madison and Clarissa each have their own ways of saying good night to me, and goodbyes at school in the morning…Naomi gives me a bacho (kiss) every night and Justin hugs me, oh, about 20 times a day!! Each way for all five is unique. And special.

And of course, my relationship with Mark’s two older sons is fun and cool. I enjoy having conversation with both. Jacob, so smart when it comes to technology! Josh, so smart and well, it never fails that every time I see him, he just hugs me so tight that it overwhelms me!! I love it! I say it to Mark each time, because it’s just so amazing to have that feeling of love and comfort come from his children as well. And Taralyn, she’s smart and beautiful! An absolute perfect match for Josh! All these different traits from each of our children, are such a blessing to me!!

I guess I'm writing this, because as Mother's Day approaches, my mind thinks in ten thousand different directions as I will wait for the girls to come home from their dad’s to spend the day with me (instead of a full weekend being away). I am so thankful and fortunate to have Mark. My children, Mark’s children, Mom and Dad, and my family.

Part of being a mom (to me) is about seeing our children happy, laughing, crying, upset … *ALL of it!* Mother’s Day is about celebrating the joys of being a mother, whether it brings happy times, sad times, and even grumpy times!!

One of the main things I think about is that as my vision worsens over time, I want to cherish these moments. I want my children to understand that seeing the different expressions on their faces, watching them grow, has been one of the best things I could ever ask for. I want my children to understand that even if I get frustrated because of something they did, I’m still their mom and I still love them. And as for Mark’s children, I love them for who they are, and for every moment I spend with each of them.

The “I love you” says it all. The hugs, the kisses. Says it all. Doing things with each other, says it all. Being a stay-at-home mom is what I try to do best, and as long as my children are happy (well, and those around me!), then I’m happy!!

There's the quote from Maya Angelou:

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

I truly believe this. I love this quote, and I will never forget the feeling of appreciation and love that my family (and close friends) give to me!! THANK YOU!!

To all the MOM'S out there, Happy Mother’s Day, EVERY DAY!!! And give yourself a pat on the back! You’re all beautiful!!! 😘❤️

I also wrote a poem for my mom, which is in a video that I did for her. I have made it for subscribers only:

https://www.cinnamon.video/watch?v=324564865035273695

And so that was two years ago!!! Not much has changed!!! Things have definitely gotten busier with teenagers and now, the social-distancing and home-schooling; BUT, I will take it one day at a time and just keep trying my best...as a mom!!

“Let's untangle our mind, and set it free...”

And also below, for subscribers only – a poem I wrote about my girls, “Loving Moments”!

I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.

- Brené Brown

It is YOUR story. It is what makes you, YOU!

I shared a quote on my FaceBook page, and I want to share it with you here...

If people are doubting how far you can go, go so far that you can’t hear them anymore.

- Michele Ruiz

No matter how much someone doubts you, remember that you can find the inner strength to keep moving forward...

Drown out the sounds of negativity, and surround yourself with the people that will help you, encourage you, and believe in you, just like you have to – for yourself!

It may not be so easy, and a whole whack of emotions may arise, but you are stronger than you think you are. Brave in ways you may have never known.

Just don't let the doubt of others bring you down....you can go so far if you allow yourself to! You truly can!! ❤️

In response to this, I'm sharing a section of the comments in which I do have permission from the person (Leanna), to share what she said...

“I follow you for courage. I have a story inside me that can help others. Just haven't figured out how to relay it yet. So I totally am watching you for learning to speak my truth. Anytime I was just honest about me and my struggles has really helped others. My organization is slightly atrocious but I see you doing you. I am growing to be confidence to be me. So thank you for showing you. Truly an inspiration to me. I love how beautiful you are and how kind your soul is. Keep shining. I just want to share so others don't feel alone. If that makes sense.”

And this is how I felt ...

Source

Leanna, I hope this article gives you courage. You are strong, beautiful, and I know you've got this girl!! ❤️

You see, it took a long time for me to get the courage to share my story. And for those who haven't read it yet, you can find it here. But Leanna's words, made me feel so good! It made me realize that there are people who want to hear my thoughts. There are people who need that extra boost of positivity in their lives.

It strikes me how some people think that by saying “get over it” or “move on” or “it's nothing” makes people feel better, especially when sometimes, it's so hard for some people to just let things go. It's not okay to just assume that someone is okay by the way they look. You have no idea what they are going through on the inside. What I'm really saying is, it's not okay to judge.

I didn't share my story in hopes to get pity from people. I shared my story because I wanted to. I wanted people to know that we can all get through the tough times, it just takes time. It takes courage. And it damn well takes a hell of a lot of self-confidence to come out and say it. Unfortunately, some people can't find their way out...

But we don't share our story because we want attention. It's not because we feel we deserve better. I think that when people are dealing with personal challenges, whether it is physically or mentally, we look for support. We look for love. But it is up to us to seek it. It is up to us to reach out.

By sharing our story and our life experiences – reaching out to those we trust and love – we feel better. We help others to understand us better, and also to realize that we are not alone, and that it is okay to experience the emotions that we are feeling. And whether it takes one day, one year, or ten years, it's all a step towards finding you and who you really are.

I want this article to give people hope. To let them know that it is okay to share your story and how you feel. Share your journey. It took me a long time to come out of my shell, and sometimes I still do worry. But at the same time, I know I am making a difference in someone else's world!

It doesn't matter if I have 10 followers or 10,000 followers. It doesn't matter if there is only one “like” or hundreds. What matters to me is that by sharing my story, sharing my thoughts, sharing my silly videos – has given hope and courage to someone else. It GIVES hope and courage to someone else.

It doesn't matter what other people think, and for sure, you're going to get the people who don't agree with you or just don't care. But all of that doesn't matter. What matters is, that you have your inner circle – the circle you trust. What matters is that you feel comfortable enough to express your emotions and realize that your story, could be the key to saving even that ONE person. Brightening their day. Changing their world for the better!

Here, I share my full speech when I spoke in Ottawa last year:

https://www.cinnamon.video/watch?v=323796300719982522

Let's show kindness, compassion, and love. Let's build each other UP instead of down! ❤️

Below for subscribers only, I share another video...

“Let's untangle our mind, and set it free...”

It's not the stress that kills us. It's our reaction to it.

- Dr. Hans Selye

We all handle stress differently, and we sometimes react in ways that cause us to overthink and perhaps, overreact.

We all have our own reasons for those reactions; however, it doesn't justify who we are – it allows us to explore our inner feelings and emotions in order to understand ourselves (and situations) better. We can then learn how to turn that stress into something meaningful and positive by taking the time to understand it and do something about it.

While what one person may think is the end of the world, another may think it's nothing at all. While one person may think that something is so easy to do, another may find it extremely hard. But here's the thing – EACH situation is different, and how you handle it, is your victory. Whether it takes five minutes or five years! Everything in life is a process, and some things take longer to achieve and/or overcome than others.

Don't beat yourself up for words that were said or actions that were taken. The more you think about it, the more your body will react in a negative way. Focus on TODAY, and the good that is around you – family, friends.

Try to find peace within, and acknowledge the stress that is triggered. Find a way to accept the changes and keep moving forward...

“Let's untangle our mind, and set it free...”

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. It's what sunflowers do.

- Helen Keller

Easier said than done, right?

But what about, what about, what about...?!

The thing is, if we choose to be optimistic about the future, then it helps to avoid the bad crap, and from allowing it to suck us in. I say the word “helps” because not everything in life comes easy to some people. But baby steps can help us to focus on our current life events, even if challenges arise, and we figure out a way to face those challenges head on. Somehow. Some way.

I am one of those people that when things are said, they stick with me. When actions are taken, they stick with me. And sure, it can be a great thing, but it is also a not-so-great thing sometimes. Yet, each turn in life, there is always some kind of explanation. Whether good or bad, and I guess it is considered a learning curve, right?

But then I find myself asking ...

Is it a blessing?

Or a lesson?

I mean, every experience and every issue handed to us is something we must grasp, and comprehend. But there's always the question as to why*? There's always that anxious part of the mind that asks the same, repeated questions – “*Why do particular things happen when they do?” and, “What in hell is it supposed to mean?!”

And then there's the question (or maybe statement), when others are involved, whether it be with the people you know, or as a society, “Well, if they do it, why can't I?”

I believe that this can be a very dangerous question. Let me share one of my videos with you, kind of describing this kind of situation...

https://www.cinnamon.video/watch?v=294110177269908706

Now when it comes to my children, it's a different story. And trust me, I'm not going to go and just jump off a bridge! I did do the bungee jumping, the zip-lining, the jumping out of an airplane; yes BUT, that was to overcome my fears and to feel the adrenaline rush!

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But, wait. What about when it comes to people we love? Our family? People we call friends? What happens when something is said and all you can think about is that situation, at that time, and how it affected you. And even though it's in the past and done, new circumstances appear and that moment in the past, comes back in your mind all over again. Then, that same fear creeps in. The doubt. The anxiety. And before you know it, your mind is all tangled, once again...

Here is the question of all questions – how can it affect you, even now, after it has all been said and done?! And wait, **how** does it affect you?!

Here's my theory:

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What happens is, that it affects your .

It affects current relationships.

It affects your mood.

It affects your mentality.

It affects your emotions.

It affects you physically.

Oh yeah, those ten extra pounds – how did they creep up so fast?!

Oh, and people who think you're losing it – when one minute you're laughing and smiling, and then the next minute, you're crying or frustrated...yep! Hmmmm...maybe it's that time of month again?!

And let's not forget about spiritually as well, where you question yourself as to, “Is there really a God, or someone higher”? This part, you will have to subscribe to read my thoughts, where I share my point of view in the Subscriber Content Only section, below.

But listen, it doesn't mean you are going crazy nor does it mean you are crazy!! It just means that, you have your fears. It just means that some things in life, stick with you more than sometimes you would like them to. And it means that you hope the people who do understand you, will have the patience TO understand you!

Okay, so you get the point, or rather you get my point. And please remember, this is only my point of view. *I am NO expert,* by all means. I only speak from experience, and more so, my heart.

Basically, it feels like you are running so fast, like on a hamster wheel – spinning and spinning – until you lose control and then spin out of control!!

Source

So how do we gain control? How do we get back on that damn hamster wheel, and keep composed while still maintaining our daily lives?

Do we talk about these issues that keep coming up in our minds? Do we really, really, untangle our minds, and set it free? Or is it better just to stay quiet, and hope that eventually, the thoughts will go away? This would be when we could take a “shath” – my way of taking a shower and bath at the same time (something that totally helps me ease my mind!!). And no, “shath” is not an English word!!

Other ways to clear the mind is to take a walk, read a book, do some writing, listen to music ... music is always so soothing ... here is one of my favourite calming songs.

https://youtu.be/7maJOI3QMu0

I know I've said this before, but I'm saying it again because saying it over and over helps keep the positive thoughts in the mind.

I believe a lot of this has to do with self-image. Self-love. Self-acceptance. Self-care. Self-everything. If you cannot accept who you are, or try to help yourself to overcome these fears and get help, it is going to be very hard for you to look towards the sunshine...You HAVE to love yourself, because deep down is the real you and you are special. You are important. You are unique in your own way. We all are. Failures and all. It doesn't mean we stop. It doesn't mean we doubt. It doesn't mean we give up.

Instead of looking at all the wrongs in life, we have to look at all the rights. All the good things. The things that did, and do, bring happiness to us!!

Even though again, my vision seems like it is going downhill (in other words, more narrow) – I have my children to keep me busy. I have my videos to keep my mind thinking of new ideas to act silly – truth is, I only have to look at a small screen – it is well within my peripheral vision 😉. Meh, it makes me smile to do these things, and I am hopeful it can bring others joy in their tough times, not just this whole Coronavirus thing!!

Yes, I worry about the things I am experiencing now. I worry about why my mind gets all tangled up. But then I realize that, I am me. I am no one special, but me. I think things the way I do because that's just me. At the end of the day, if someone doesn't understand the way I think – I can't do anything about it. I'm not crazy for thinking things the way I do. I'm not wrong, and maybe I'm not 100% completely right. But I have my reasons for those thoughts. It doesn't justify who I am. And, YOU ARE YOU!! We all have our different battles, some more so than others...

I brought up my vision because there are a lot of things I “miss”. And when I say “miss”, I don't mean in the way that, “Oh, I miss going on trips...”. I've been fortunate enough to have many experiences in my lifetime – with and without my children.

I mean in the way that I “visually” miss things. A lot of people today are so hung up on the fact that they are not able to “go out”. Well, I am one of those people that actually don't see a difference, as I am sure there are a lot of those people – especially those dealing with mental health challenges. As I've said it before and I say it again...we are all in this together. There are some people who don't have the courage to step outside the doors even in their every day life, know what I mean? Some people due to illnesses can't step out their doors. Life can be challenging in different ways for anyone and everyone!

The only change for me is that I have the children 24-7 which really isn't a bad thing because there is noise in the house now. There is action. There is love and beauty, even when mom gets frustrated at times!

My every day situation of sending the kids to school and being home – it's quiet. Sure, now the routine is out of whack in the sense of timing, but we manage. Is it perfect? NO!!! I will tell you this though – we are fortunate to have a roof over our head, clothing to wear, food to eat. And that, I am so thankful for!!

I never went out if I didn't have to. I stayed home and I still stay home. Why? Because unfortunately, my lack of vision and the extremity of my anxiety (at times), keeps me put. But it's OKAY. It's not the end of the world! And I can't cry about it...well wait, I can. I have. But, I keep telling myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! That it's just a phase. And I do what I do to keep pushing forward, day by day. I hope those reading this, can find some resolution to help them to keep pushing forward, as hard as it may seem!

Here, to end this, I will post this piano piece – because I love it, and it's peaceful!! We are not alone in this world. We all have “something” and it doesn't give anyone the right to judge another just because they seem “happy” and are “smiling”. You just never know what their story is. Offer kindness, gratitude. A virtual hug even goes a long way!!

https://www.cinnamon.video/watch?v=302800567036544260

**Peace and love to you all! ❤️**

Header Photo Source

“Let's untangle our mind, and set it free...”