At dinner yesterday at JJAN, I felt bored as I sat next to Roman and Brandon. I tried to make small talk but found both individuals extremely dull. I tried to explain “public interest” law to Roman, while my brows furrowed when Brandon made an “Asian” language comment (“How do you say it Asian?”). I felt annoyed by Elisa as I have for months now by her overbearing and pushy personality. Maybe I am the one that is being selfish. I probably am. I don't feel great when I spend time with my friends, which is why I am strongly contemplating moving back to Houston.
After watching Teorema (which was okay) with Jackson, I drove back to Claremont while refreshing Instagram and Twitter to see if DONDA had released. I felt like I had ADHD as I refreshed Instagram, checked Reddit, and scrolled Twitter all while driving 80 miles per hour on the 210. Wanting alcohol, I drove to downtown Pomona for a beer at an art gallery (DBA 256). I proceeded to get a Golden Monkey and drink it while refreshing my phone for DONDA updates. In retrospect, it was a futile endeavor (the album has still not released as of me writing this post), but also an avenue to navigate my social anxiety. I imagine that I will have to do much of this if and when I move back to Houston and abandon my friends and family for greener (and wetter – as I follow Hurricane Ida closely) pastures.
For some reason, I told myself it was “cheat day” as if I was on a diet, and got an enormous meal at In-N-Out: a medium Coke, a Double-Double with whole grilled onions and chopped chilies, and animal-style fries. I devoured everything near 2 AM but the animal-style fries, which I brought home after eating a quarter. I felt annoyed by my parents as my room was hot even at 2 AM, and drove to Andrew's house, where I spent the night and the entirety of Saturday with the air conditioning on.
I woke up periodically to check for DONDA news, so I did not get great sleep. When I woke up at noon, I craved marijuana. I ordered delivery and proceed to smoke a pre-rolled joint that faintly tasted like guava. I got really high and jacked off three times, but also had a luxurious shower in which I washed myself from head to toe with eucalyptus-scented charcoal soap from Unsound Rags.
I had a really great workout at the gym; my right shoulder pain and impingement completely dissipated, and I was able to perform multiple bench-press sets with proper form. I like working out slightly high.
I had some thoughts today as the weed sort of unraveled a “tangled ball of thoughts” in my head:
I don't like my friends right now. But maybe I'm not giving them a fair chance. They are not going to change, but I need to accept them for who they are. I cannot be so judgmental. They accept me for who I am, even if I am uncommunicative sometimes.
I am a work in progress. I can strike a proper balance between gently pushing myself and taking some time for myself in light of my mental health issues and my burnout from work.
I can be more communicative to the people in my life. It doesn't hurt to tell people how I am feeling or what I want. This includes responding timely to people on dating apps.
If there is something I can do immediately, I should do it. I have learned the hard way that the more I put something off, the more of a problem that something becomes.