I am on a quest. It's hard to tell you what it's about. Probably won't make much sense. And it doesn't really matter.
There's a moment as a teenager when I knew I needed to move across the country. I was 19, obsessed with getting high, and felt more broken than ever. Walking back through mists on my college campus, the streetlamps turning everything red. I was wearing a long sleeves but the cold was penetrating me.
My friend was walking with me. It was nice. Like sharing a last moment with someone who doesn't realize it. A big secret that only you know. You and something else. But it's impossible to name the something else. And it's definitely not your friend.
I remember that feeling. Something in me is changing. Or changed. I don't know. But something is definitely different. Walking and realizing things are different from how they were yesterday, or even just a moment ago.
It feels like when you're compelled to do something, to go somewhere. The feeling that you know you're going towards something. Sometimes it feels like you're turning away from it. But really you're opening to something new.
And in that opening, there's a shedding. Of the old ways. Of the things that keep you small.
Instead, you choose to turn towards what you know is right. Somehow.
It opens the heart. Gives you the strength to ask the questions that need to be asked. And to not need an answer. But to follow the compass to where you know it's pointing.
I'm not sure why I'm writing a blog post about this. It's not intended to be inspirational. Just where I'm at. And maybe where you're at too.