whatwentwrong

The unlovable (idk if that's even a real word) ... Is it possible to still “be” in love with someone for '16' god damn long years when that person doesn't even know you love them? I keep asking me this question and it haunts me to this date but I still don't have an answer to it. Is it okay to ask yourself this question? Despite deep down knowing an answer that might not fit my reality, I choose “not” to know the answer as it might break my heart. I haven't talked to her for the past 10 years and I am not happy with it. A closure might be helpful but that'll just sound all desperate and creepy now.

I still remember her vivid smile the first time I saw her. It was 2nd grade. Me and my best friend were kind of class bullies. I hate to admit but we were a couple of assholes. We made sure no one entered the classroom without giving us an intro and ducking under a couple of rulers. We did that to every girl. But not her. I just couldn't stop watching her smile from a distance. It all started that freaking day. It was a weird feeling. A feeling that hadn't been felt before. The purpose of going to school everyday became being able to see her everyday. I couldn't stop me from getting lost in her eyes. I know it sounds cliché but it was how I felt. I prayed to god everyday to be able to get seated next to her and my prayers were answered. At least that's what I thought back then. I could do anything just to be able to spend time with her. School became all about her. From matching her pencil box to making her laugh with my weird commentary during the class assembly, I did everything to start a conversation. I knew from the very moment I looked into her eyes that I love her. I just knew. There was no second thought. I wanted this feeling to last forever. There was nothing I could ask for except to be with her. I wanted to marry her right there in school but as soon as It was brought to my knowledge that I couldn't marry her before the age of 21, I felt pretty sad about it. I couldn't wait anymore to be with her for the rest of my life. My love was/is sacred and I did everything not to hurt her in any way. Those years in school were the best days of my life. We had the best time together. My all thoughts and efforts went into making her laugh and to be able to see that gorgeous smile everyday. I always wanted to hold her hands. It was a scary move for me, but I waited. I waited for the school trip day. We were all lined up in two separate lines, one for girls and one for the boys. The boys were told to hold hands of their adjacent standing girl. Ahaa... I saw an opportunity. I rushed to the front of the line and counted the number of girls after which she stood in her line so I could stand in the exact same spot in the boys' line. I counted “one” extra. It was the worst day of my life back then. I watched the boy who stood before me hold her hand for the rest of the day. I was in anger and grieve the whole day. I still remember the smell of her hair on the annual day function. She was meant to perform a group dance performance on a social cause and I was next, waiting for my turn, standing behind her, to perform 'bhoombro bhoombro sham rang bhoombro' with 30 more students. That night was special. She wore a white frock. I couldn't stop me from smelling her hair. That moment, that very moment, time stood still for me. I wished for that moment to never end. And it still hasn't ended. I still live it, everyday.

I never confessed my feelings to her. I was too afraid. Afraid that I might loose everything. The thought of not being around her was so dreadful that I never spoke about it. I still love her. I don't expect her to know about anything. She might have forgotten me, but I won't, till my very last breath. This is my first love story, and my only love story. I wish I see her again. I am not afraid of my feelings anymore.

-what.went.wrong