We're. All. Doomed.
No, I'm not kidding. That's not a joke.
Just got back from a “tech” conference. (My first one.) I'm working on a product that is considered “tech” (I suppose) and wanted to go, not to exhibit, but to learn the industry and talk to some folks.
I also figured I'd get to see what the “tech” “geniuses” have on the horizon for us. Who doesn't love innovation?
And, Holy Mother of Everything That Is, Was, and Ever Will Be: grant me your protection and help me even begin to understand this weird industry.
Baby Jesus, take the wheel.
I can't write a lot on this post, even though I want to. I'm so goddamned confused it's nearly impossible to formulate a semi-coherent essay to explain what I'm thinking.
I'll do my best by stating that I understand the exhibitors and attendees are trying to start real, actual businesses. Else, why would there be investors there who want to invest in businesses?
From what I understand, investors' goal is to receive more money than they gave to a business.
Hope I didn't lose you yet...
Ok, so in order for a business to return more money to an investor than said investor invested, that business is going to have to get the money from somewhere.
The money businesses “get”, from my experience and education, comes from selling things to people and companies.
When one sells things, their widget goes out and money comes in.
The money that comes in is commonly referred to as “sales”. (Or, if you want to sound fancy you can call it “revenues”.)
The business can do lots of different things with these sales:
They can spend them on buying stuff the business needs to operate. Where I come from, we call these expenditures “expenses”.
They can buy things they reasonably think will make the business more money in the future. I'm really digging here, but I believe these are called “assets”, or even “capital”. When this money is used to hire employees, this is also a form of capital acquisition. I've heard somewhat knowledgable people refer to it as “human capital”. After all, an extremely talented, hardworking employee will earn the company many, many times their salary. I've been taught in schools that teach people how to business good, by smart people who have goodly businessed in the past, that assets which earn more money than they cost to buy are usually called “good investments”. Assets which earn less money than they cost to buy (or no money whatsoever) by comparison, are called “bad investments”.
They can put this money in the bank. In the future, when a business needs to spend the money, it will be there to do one of the things above.
They can return this money to shareholders, hence the phrase “return on investment” (ROI, or simply, “return”.) The investors who gave the business/startup money took a risk by doing so. Sometimes the risk is large, sometimes the risk is not so large. Generally, investors who take large risks expect to be compensated for these risks by earning a higher return.
I'm sure they can do more stuff, but this will do for now.
So, my whole business life, I've believed items 1-4 to be true. Imagine my surprise when I learned a few days ago I've been wrong!
Not only me, but my professors were wrong. Very wealthy people I know were also wrong.
It's a slap in the face. I'm ashamed. I feel like I just found out the laws of physics no longer applied. But I'm still plastered to the Earth by gravity!, I say. How could this be?
To ease my mind, I had to consult these geniuses at the tech conference.
Nah, man, they assure me with blank eyes. You're living in the ooollllldddd, outdated universe. Didn't you hear? The Revolution happened and it's called The New Physics.
Go on...
Basically, maaaaaaan, physics as we knew it before was “disrupted”. Now, we can all stay plastered to the ground without any pesky laws, man. Even if those laws have worked since infinity and have been proven by countless scientific experiments by a consensus of SUPPOSEDLY smart people.
Now, check this, maaaannnnn. I'm gonna blow your mind. If you're one of us, these so-called “laws” don't apply. It's...it's like we're the chosen ones, man. It's like we're so woke and so valuable to humankind that God himself said we didn't have to play by the same rules as everyone else.
You make money. We “burn” money, man. If we burn all the monies, important people pat us on the back and give us more.
Better yet, if we lose all their money on a shitty idea, all we have to do is come up with an even shittier one and....BAM!!!!...it starts raining green down on our “open floor plan” and pingpong tables.
You need “customers”. You have to work hard to find them, build something they like, and continue to please them. Here, we don't need customers, man. Here, they're called “users”, and we actually pay FOR them to use our products. When you don't have to slave away to please them day in and day out, maann, you can treat them like garbage...kinda like an animal in a feed lot. Or...or....or....check this out: like a retarded monkey clicking buttons non-stop for a banana.
Know how we know they're retarded, man? The bananas aren't even real!!! And they know this!
You need sales. We don't need no sales, man. If you think that sounds crazy you need to wake up!
How do I wake up?
I'll help you, man. Put your fist in the air and repeat after me:
Viva la Revolución!!!
Disrupt and AI all the things!
Cast away the shackles of millions of years of economic laws!
We are the chosen!
We will cover the Earth with our apps and our blockchains and our ridiculous meal kits and our horrific shit that comes in monthly boxes that we just need the suckers to buy until we get “acquired” by even bigger suckers that don't care about sales even though they call themselves “investors”!!!
Welcome to the Matrix, man. Now will you take the Red Pill?