Anita-Corbo

Dear hubby,

Hey look! Remember the roses you gave me last night? Well, take a look. I'm regifting them back to you in the form of a corny post. Here, these are for you…

You're going to bed right now & I've decided to stay up a little longer just to write you something special. When you wake up, maybe you can take a peek & see what I've done.

First off, thank you for giving me an early Valentine's gift last night! That was so kind. I'm sorry if I didn't jump for joy or get too excited when you gave them to me. I was just so tired, that's all. But in reality & way deep down where it really counts, it felt really sweet.

I'm the one that always buys the cards in advance & tries to run around making sure that when you wake up, there's something special waiting for you by the coffee pot to put a smile on your face. Today, I just stayed in my room again. I didn't leave the house & I apologize.

So this is my gift to you.

This corny post.

I took a picture of the flowers you gave me & I'm giving them back to you. Kind of like a regifting. Except with written words. Almost like that post I wrote on Medium where I gave my anniversary roses to those bullies after my suicide attempt.

But this is Valentine's Day. So it's different.

I needed to let you know something. I needed you to hear how grateful I am to have crossed paths with you. I needed to do something extra out-of-the-ordinary to show how much I appreciate you.

The spiritual experts, gurus, teachers & masters all say that gratitude is the fastest way to manifest miracles in your life. They say that if you practice saying gratitude affirmations or simply saying “Thank You” to small things in your life or to those around you, your vibrational level changes.

I believe it.

I've practiced it silently or put on meditation music from YouTube & noticed a shift in my consciousness. There are days I don't consistently do it & I have definitely noticed a difference when I don't, but maybe just writing this will help. Even if for a little while.

The biggest quality I want you to know I appreciate you for this Valentine's Day is – your simplicity.

You're simple…

And by simple, I don't mean you're uneducated or dumb or not worldly or not sophisticated or not cool or you're behind-the-times.

You're just satisfied with what IS.

You don't have any social media profiles, you don't post anything online for the whole world to see, you don't have the highest digitally upgraded equipment in the house, you don't try to be famous for anything. You're just plain content to be in the background. You're humble. You just live your life. Day by day. One by one. Next moment to the next.

In that respect, I adore you.

They say opposites attract to balance each other out. Maybe so. Because look at all the social media posts I've written. Look at all the crazy stuff I've posted. You know it's all true. But still?

AND… then, there’s you.

Hahaaaaa… 😂😂😂

But you know about all of it & it doesn't seem to bother you somehow. You accept it. Or maybe you're just good at pretending it's OK.

I'm not quite sure. I honestly think it's because you knew I really needed some new & different friends after all I've been through.

THANK YOU FOR THAT!

Thank you for seeing my brokenness & my wanting to grow & reach out into the world to find joy again. To make new & exciting friends. To have fun this time around in my life. To take some risks. To laugh again the way I used to.

There are times when I wish you were just as flamboyant as I tend to be. I wish you would just come out of your shell & dance a little more in public. Be a little more spontaneous. But I can't wish you to be something that you're not. I can't change you. So I won’t.

Just like you can’t change me.

So… here is my grateful post letting you know how much I appreciate you. Even with all the differences we have, I still see similarities as well.

All I know is – I really do still love you.

I STILL do after all these years…

🌹💋🌹

P.S. Oops, I almost forgot. Happy Valentine's Day!

ZERO dollars… 💰

Yep, ZERO dollars… 💰

Just to clear up anyone's rumors or thoughts on if I'm getting paid to write anything on here. Or if someone paid me to write about them.

Noone has. And I've never required them to nor asked them to.

If I share links, I am getting NO residuals.

If I share posts, I am getting NO residuals.

If I share my memories, I am getting NO residuals.

If I share my thoughts, I am getting NO residuals.

If I decide to promote people out of the bottom of my heart, I am getting NO residuals.

I believe there is an option in the settings where you can click on some choices to do that. But I haven't done that yet.

And no, this title was not clickbait. Nor am I complaining. It was just to clear up any misconceptions that others had. But when I do choose to make money from it, that will be my choice, also.

In the meantime, I only write when I feel the need to purge or when I have an instinct to elevate & showcase others by bringing them into the light.

Sometimes I like to do things for free -

JUST BECAUSE!

💖💰💖

They say diamonds are a girl's best friend. In some cases, that's true. But random short love notes are really mine.

When I'm in pain or start to complain or start spiraling into a dark place, I go in my drawer & pull these out to remind me that simple gestures mean the most.

My New Year's resolution is to move on from the past but also to remember the good from the past at the same time.

If that makes any sense.

We've had a turbulent relationship. It's not perfect. (Just like his spelling). But if people ever ask “Why did you stay…?”

It's because he payed attention to triple angel numbers & was always grateful when he saw them on the clock.

💌😇💌

I look back on my highlight reel of best moments for me to watch on YouTube from 2022. If people have read some of my blogs, they see that I love gambling videos.

The one moment for me that deserves my personal Oscar award – 🎬

“The Most Heartfelt Reaction of 2022”

THE BIG PAYBACK

I witnessed the most heartfelt & genuine reaction of this gambler winning live. My husband was laying next to me watching. If you want to fast forward, please go to the 1:40:00 mark & watch from there. It's about 10 minutes from the end.

This man wins the MEGA live on camera as he is filming & I’ve never felt so genuinely happy for someone from the bottom of my heart. I literally had tears in my eyes because his child-like innocence was captured so poetically. 💞

I've been subscribed to him for awhile & he's always come close to some decent jackpots.

But this one took the cake for me because he never took it for granted that he WON something! To some people it might be chump change. To him, it wasn't. It was pure… joyful… ecstasy!!!

He affected so many people that were watching with him in real-time. He made people genuinely tear up. The comments that people were making on live chat & later on his page came from a deep place because his love for showcasing slot machines is REAL.

So, I had to make this my last post for 2022.

It really made a gut-wrenching ache in my heart on that livestream. Of course, in a blissful way, I mean. A positive & happy way. More like ethereal. He was so genuinely moved. Not afraid to show softness while filming. He was stunned silent, just for a little bit. 😢

People know I'm married, but sometimes that doesn't mean you can't fall in love with someone on camera.

With all due respect to his wife & my husband, I honestly fell in love that night.

Thank you, Tim…

Thank you for coming from a sweet & delicate place in an environment that often isn't. You are a genuine class act.

You make playing slots & winning seem like a surreal, spiritual experience… ✨

I hope you read this & listen to this video with your wife & little doggy. I hope you hold them tight & never let them go & take them for granted. Just like you never took that win for granted that night. Thanks for answering all my comments & your unwavering patience. I’ll never forget the memories.

You are truly one of the humblest & kindest people I have ever come across in my life.

Here's some cheers to creating more memories in 2023! 🍾🍸🍾

BTW, I truly love you…

💜🌈💜

Well, I kept my promise...

Repeat, I kept my promise…

I’ve broken promises before due to my relatively short attention span, but this time I had to keep it. I had to commit.

I wrote about some YouTube channels before on my blog & I mentioned that I was going to write about some more. The reason it’s been taking me so long is because I actually have to watch the videos in order to make a decision & sometimes it takes hours & hours & hours of viewing.

Patience is a virtue, the saying goes. To be honest, I don’t have much myself. (But I expect everyone else to). Hahaaa…😆

The only reason I started doing this is because I've been having severe panic attacks & sometimes I don’t leave the house for days. They can be very debilitating. I start feeling lonely & isolated & the only thing that cheers me up are gambling videos. So I turned my anxiety into something positive by elevating other people & their work.

Elevating other people has helped me to heal. 🙏

OK, enough introduction there, here is another link to a slot channel I watched recently -

https://youtube.com/@BDSlots

Here is a link to the holiday special they did recently. Notice the spoof & reference to the famous Hollywood movie franchise “The Hangover.” VERY CREATIVE!!!

😆😂😆😂😆😂😆😂😆😂

All I can say is who has all this energy???

BDSlots is so naughty with some of the words coming out of his mouth while filming. Almost like there are really no censors or no filters, just RAW!!!!

I believe the initials stand for “Big Daddy”.

His wife comes along with him, as well as some of his friends.

Also, not much shame in having a beer & saying cheers to the audience. Definitely no shame there! 🍺🍻🍺

We are all truly unique in the way we present ourselves to the world. Especially if someone has a channel & is trying to market themselves. In my heart, I’m not quite sure this guy is a really complicated marketing machine. (Or maybe he is, I've been wrong before). This guy just REALLY LOVES people & loves making people feel good! One of the biggest hams I've ever seen in the way that he spews his sarcasm while the camera is rolling.

The reason I wanted to give him a little highlight is he tries really hard to look at people's comments while the livestream is playing. That is quite a difficult task. Trust me, I have a hard time keeping up with people's comments while in a chat myself because it goes so quickly. 👀

That means you have to actually read like lightning fast ⚡ & then respond to the person who typed it ⚡ & then make comical jokes ⚡ & then keep your focus on playing slots ⚡ & then do math if you win a jackpot ⚡ & then interact with the friends around him who are making comments & hamming it up as well ⚡ & then jump to another machine & start the ball rolling on entertaining again ⚡ & then deal with strangers sitting next to him who are talking or interrupting him (but he includes them in the fun instead of being annoyed) ⚡ & then score another jackpot ⚡ & then make more off-the-cuff comments to more people joining the live chat ⚡ & then order another drink ⚡ & then look at the chat again & have more people typing & more responding ⚡ & did I say that he tries to actually keep up with all the comments???!!! 😛

Yikes, yikes, yikes! How fast can someone be? How much energy can someone have??? 😲

I've learned from watching these channels that there is tons of work involved. Tons. The creators just make it look easy, that's all. So if you are subscribing & watching, it is basically the same as having a remote control & watching your cable on TV & clicking & seeing what catches your eye. You go back & forth, check to see if you want comedy or drama for the day & whatever mood you happen to be in, then that’s the channel you decide to watch for the night.

Channel surfing, I think they call it. Everybody does it. It's normal.

Anyways, this guy deserved a shout-out to me because he really works hard. The one drawback people don't know when you create a channel is the overwhelming comments people like to shout out. When you are in your living room watching normal television, there are no comments from around the world being displayed. You don’t have to put up with everybody's thoughts, right? Well this guy DEFINITELY puts up with people’s thoughts. I don’t know how, but he does. I know once he starts having more subscribers, it will be a little harder & more challenging for him but it looks like he will be able to handle it.

He always responded & engaged with my comments I wrote him on his page, too. Not knowing I'm actually kind of shy around people sometimes in real life. He didn't know, nor did he care. Nor was he bothered by my heart emojis. I like to give them out innocently & randomly because they are supposed to warm people across the ice cold hard & frigid internet world we live in.

It doesn't look like he has a jealous wife who warns him about giving heart emojis out either, because he gives them back!

LOL… 😆

💖💘💓💔💕💗💙💚💛💜

He includes people. He includes his subscribers. He mentioned on a livestream that anyone who wants to do group pulls with him, he welcomes them.

HE WANTS YOU TO BE IN ON THE FUN!!!

He is a multi-tasker. Extreme multi-tasker.

A definite standout & star on the streets & boulevards of the YouTube “Walk-of-Fame.” 🎥📺

Also, I forgot to mention that in his profile, he describes himself as a big teddy bear. And teddy bears are for hugging, right?

Well, then? Who honestly doesn't want to have a REAL & LIVE teddy bear???

I don't know about you, but I sure do!

🐻🤗🐻

P.S. Good luck, Big Daddy, to you & your wife & crew in jackpot heaven. You deserve to be blessed with many, that’s for sure. Thank you for making us all feel included in your party. Because that's what parties are for.

Hugs & hugs & more & more hugs to you…

And of course, Happy, Happy New Year…

🎉💖🎉

Merry Christmas everyone!

🎋🎋🎋

I had to delete a Telegram account I innocently just opened up yesterday.

People who know me know that I'm not the most technically savvy person in the world. You could sit down & show me something & I’ll get it, but usually I make mistakes & learn that way. I was trying to open an account to get in touch with just one person, that's all.

No such luck.

Instead, I woke up today to check my newly opened account to search for my friend & found out there was some weird stuff going on. (Maybe hacking since I didn't set a passcode)? 🤔

There was only one profile icon I used with my initials AC on it. I used my full name too.

Then I started searching & found out other accounts were being opened with just the name Anita so I knew that most likely the same thing was going to happen to me that happened on Facebook. Random strange people were going to start chats, pretend it’s me, send porn, pictures, say mean things or whatever, bully me, hack into my account, etc., etc…

You know the old saying? – “Same sh*t, different day”. Well, it wasn't even one complete day yet.

Also, I remember seeing the name Anita with a cartoonish duck icon last night right after I opened my account. I thought it was bizarre because it was like someone was watching me in real-time setting up my account right away.

And the duck icon really made me realize how mean people can be. I've been called “duckface” before & I remember sitting at the casino once & someone yelling next to me – “It looks like a duck!” Out loud, the way a high-school bully would do. Lightbulb after lightbulb kept going off in my brain & I flashed back to all the cruelty that happened to me before my suicide attempt. There were so many people calling me so many mean things about the way I looked.

“Ugly, skanky, duckface, bitch…” (I can add more).

Strangers. People who didn’t even know me. Because the friends I have know me better & would never say those things to me. Why??? Because they KNOW me.

Anyways, they were really cruel words in public. It never stopped. It was constant. When I say constant, I literally mean for about 5 years consistently. Truly.

5 freakin’ years! 😳

After logging on & experiencing this, I pondered & reflected & told myself that I was not going to let a silly chat site ruin my peace of mind. If people think I'm ugly, that's OK. But you don't have to set up accounts & start bullying me again to ruin my Christmas day.

So, if anyone sent pictures under my name or chatted with you under a Telegram account, it wasn't me. I sent 2 kind messages hoping to get in touch with just one friend & I couldn't. It hasn't even been 24 hours & I have to shut another account down because of worrying about whether it’s going to be hacked all the time.

So hey, I am sorry I couldn’t find you on Telegram, my friend. 😢 I tried hard.

Yeah, so that’s my Christmas post to you…

I'm writing to tell you -

🎋 DON’T LET PEOPLE STEAL YOUR PEACE OR JOY!!! 🎋

Remember the Grinch stole all of the Christmas presents at the end of the movie? 🎁

Then he woke up & saw all the Whoville villagers didn’t care if the gifts were gone.

Well, that's me today.

I don't care how others see me. I don't care if they try & steal my gifts on Christmas day.

You know why?

Because there are lots & lots of Grinches out there! (I'm talking about all year round, too, not at this time of year only).

My husband still sees beauty in me & that's all that really matters. 🙏

So if you are reading this & have been told that you are ugly. Like, constantly…

If people are always cutting you down. Like, always…

If you are being bullied about the way you look, the way you talk, the way you walk, the way you carry yourself – remember it's always the most insecure people who try to make YOU feel insecure.

Just keep that in mind.

AGAIN…

1. Don't let people steal your joy. 😁

2. Don't let people steal your peace. 😇

3. Everyone has beauty inside & outside of them. You & you & you & you… Yeah, I’m pointing at YOU! ☚ ☛

EVERYONE!!!

So that is my Christmas gift to you. That's the only thing I can bring to the table right now. Some insights, that’s all. If I talk about myself alot on here it’s because it’s my blog with my name. So I’m allowed… 😂

In all seriousness, I just figure I can help others by sharing whatever is going on with my life. If it uplifted you in some way or gave you a new perspective on your life, then all the better.

Yawn, yawn, OK, I’m pretty much done for now. I know this post seems rather odd, but it's the only way I can express myself.

Kind of like a duck. 🦆

You look at the duck, see an ugly duckling, say “Hmmm, it looks kind of odd”…

But before you know it, it slowly grows & then turns into a rather beautiful swan.

It may have taken awhile, it may have been a little slower than you wanted it to be…

But poof! Right before your eyes, it finally became a SWAN…

Awww, yeppp, finally…

A beautiful & breathtaking SWAN… 🦢 🌼

💝💚💝

P.S. Merry Christmas. Remember, you are ALL beautiful. It may take time before others see it, but you've always had it inside of you. From day one. Always.

I took a snapshot of another earth plane angel I came across in this lifetime. One of the most gifted, eccentric, honest & balls-to-the-walls writers I’ve ever seen on Medium or anywhere else.

She took alot of shots in her lifetime but she just kept plugging away. Even after a stroke, a coma, a near-death experience & surviving abuse – she found a way to use her writing gifts to inspire those around her. She turned her tragedies into works of art. 🎨

Here is the link to her writings -

https://jmacgallery.medium.com

Here is another link to her YouTube channel where she documents her progress on video. Plus or minus some other inspiring moments in her life -

https://youtube.com/@gettingcreativenow

Thank you for your stories, Jan!

Most importantly – your COURAGE. This one's for you…🎖🏅🎖

💜💝💜

Yeah, I know. Here’s another promotion. 🙄

So what???

I can write about ANYTHING I want!!!

It’s MY blog, not yours…😂

And NO, I'm not getting paid for this, but thanks for asking… 🙄

OK, first off, it’s almost Christmas. So Merry Christmas, everyone. Yay… 🌲

Secondly, I'm really not in the Christmas spirit because I've been basically locked in my room for a couple of weeks. Experiencing debilitating panic attacks. The kind people don't understand. Watching YouTube videos, just leaving the house for a swim or workout or a doctor appointment here & there. A casino visit too. But basically just shutting myself in.

Thirdly, I'm severely depressed. 😞

So, what I do when I’m depressed is watch gambling videos. They always cheer me up somehow. The best part of watching them is I am watching pure joy in action when gamblers WIN or pure stomach punch when they LOSE!

Simple.

I am watching someone either win money or lose…

Happy or sad. Simple emotions.

Well, I need to give a huge, big, gigantic, enormous, amazing, grateful & thankful shout-out to…

😍 NG Slot!! 😍

Again… NG Slot…

OK, another time…

😍 NG Slot!!! 😍

Here is the link -

https://youtube.com/@NGSlot

I went on a YouTube chat for shits-n-giggles to see what the hype was all about before I subscribed & it was absolutely a fun fest of raunchy comments, Armenian jokes, alot of laughing emojis, MORE raunchy comments (but mostly in English)…

Lets see, what else? Double-entendres, hints, winks, other subscribers chiming in & basically a domino chain of moderators & subscribers just laughing their asses off!

I couldn't stop laughing. I was laughing to myself, laughing inside of my head, laughing out loud & laughing when I turned my phone off. My husband came home & asked if I was OK because he saw me laughing in the room by myself. I told him what I just experienced. I said “You gotta see this!”

Then I replayed the live chat where everyone was joking about ANYTHING & EVERYTHING (& maybe your mother included)!!! 😂

There was some creative editing where not everything could be displayed in the end but it still was by far the funniest & bawdiest chat I've ever seen in my personal YouTube experience. Also, extremely honest about wins & losses, which can be very rare to see.

He takes a lot of risks.

He puts a helluva lot on the line.

He wants to see… HAYWIRE!!!🔥

He’s the kind of person you can live vicariously through because maybe you wouldn't have the balls to do something like that but you WANT to watch it to feel what it must feel like!

OK, here's another link to another channel of his if you really love entertainment but can't relate to the big bets. This one is for moderate bets. People who can't fathom the extreme highs & lows.

It's his twin brother – Having Fun With NG SLOT (Wink, wink) 😉

https://youtube.com/@HavingFunWithNGSLOT

“Thank You,” NG, for the rollercoaster rides. You make it look easy but if I was in your shoes, I don’t think I would be able to handle everything with such charm like you do. Let’s go on a ride! Wheeeeeee…

🎢🎢🎢

Anyways, the main reason for writing this was because my depression had lifted for a little while & I met some wonderfully humorous people online so I decided to subscribe!

Oops, wait, gotta add someone else. Here’s another link to another channel. This guy was warm & funny – what a honey!!! If my memory serves me correctly, I believe he was one of the major joke contributors & he said a sweet “Hello” to me, although I was new to the chat & do not have a face on my icon. He made me feel extremely welcome & engaged in hilarious bantering the whole time.

😍 Mr Mike Slots 😍

https://youtube.com/@MrMikeSlots

Awww, a heartfelt “Thank you,” Mike. You didn’t know I was holed up in my room all alone but your easygoing & laidback warmth jumped across the digitally electronic airwaves. Also, you really know how to laugh at yourself when people joke about your height. Hahaaaa… 😆

That taught me to lighten up a little more about myself. You take it all in stride & that is really humbling to see.

💗💗💗

Let's make this story short & then I’ll come back some other day & add a couple more YouTube names to sweeten the dizzying feeling of laughing with a bunch of happy-go-lucky gamblers.

Crazy clowns but actually extremely smart businessmen.

Enjoying their life & not being ashamed to broadcast it to the world.

Aaahhh, the beauty of laughter… 😆

If it comes with a jackpot handpay, even better. If there is no jackpot, still, there was lots of love & laughter.

I’ll take that bonus any day…

💚🍀💖🍀💚

P.S. I just wanted to thank everybody who was in the chat room that day. Y’all don’t realize how happy you made me that one night. A big shout out to all you guys & girls because sometimes you don’t realize how sad someone is behind closed doors. Thank you for welcoming me into your world, even for a brief moment in time.

I love you all… 💖

Everybody won the lottery!

Absolutely nobody loses.

Nobody.

All you have to do is wake up & be grateful for one small thing in your life.

I’m grateful for this card my husband bought me many, many months ago. It's a little dusty sitting on the kitchen shelf. I took a picture of it with Cuzzy, my monkey son fur baby, to remind me that one good memory can make all the difference.

Even if I don't have all of these qualities anymore, at least he saw them once in me before.

I thank him for that...

Maybe even once is good enough.

Sometimes I will look at this card as a pick-me-up to help erase all the cruel & hateful words people were shouting at me before my suicide attempt. Even some people who I thought were my friends but really weren't. It helps dull the pain.

Remember, noone's marriage is perfect. There's too much social media hype with perfect pictures & perfect headlines & we all get caught up in thinking everyone else's life is better. I've been battling severe depression for a long time now & I try to find ways to help me cope. So what I do is write about my memories.

If this can help you, please try it. Choose one good memory, hold on to it, creatively visualize it, see it in your mind every day, hold it in your consciousness & then let it stick!

Especially if it's a memory about a person who knows EVERYTHING about you & still sees good in you, then maybe that means you won the lottery too...

💜💛🐵🐒💜💛

With all due respect to my husband, my purest love was in Paris. My hubby knows about my adventure there – 5 years before I met him.

Azeddine was the purest love I’ve had, pretty much in my mind, at least. Unconditional love. The joy-provoking, innocent, deep, wild, crazy, intense, free, no strings-attached, not expecting anything back, in-the-moment, spontaneous kind-of love. Sometimes silently. Sometimes just a look with the eyes. Very child-like… 💑

I was the one who had to make the first move because he was rather shy at first. If I look back & think hard enough, I believe I gave him some fresh sweets I had bought from a French boulangerie. That was my way of breaking the ice.

We kept connecting with our eyes in the guest TV room where he was working as a hotel receptionist. I felt so drawn to him even though I didn't speak French & knew it would be difficult to communicate. The only articles I brought with me were a tiny translation book & a mini-calculator that was similar to Google-translating software that we have nowadays. Not much to work with honestly. We communicated through alot of gestures, eye gazing, silence, mind telepathy & broken pieces of French & English.

The greatest technological software had not been released to the masses yet – the smartphone – but it was the best I could do for the time.

No Googling to see each other's profiles on Facebook, not caring how popular (or unpopular) our posts were, not being jealous of each other’s social media accounts or caring who was more famous than the other. We didn’t care because we didn't have the technology yet to even have the slightest idea what the other person was all about.

I had NO clue. He had NO clue.

And that's why it was so PURE! 💓

The thing I remember about him most was his soulfulness. He would watch me sleep sometimes & I would wake up & catch him doing it. Then he'd playfully tell me I was snoring. He always saw goodness & beauty in my actions. He never talked down about me. Even when his friends warned about me being “American” & that our love was “impossible”, whatever that supposedly meant, he only saw pure light. 💛

And even if he didn't agree with me, it was always done in a playful way. Hinting sweetly. Playfully innocent.

He never manhandled me. He was just the most non-violent & authentically genuine human being who always told me that the main reason he loved me was because I was wild & crazy. In a good way, not a derogatory way.

Just out of the blue, looking in my eyes, saying “Do you know why I love you?”

I'd play along & go “Why, Azeddine?”

“Because you are CRAZY, that's why!!!”

And then we'd just giggle & laugh…

Here is a photo showing how crazy HE was! 😆 Jumping in the River Seine!

Those were the innocent gestures he meant by crazy. The small acts of joyous impetuousness that people who love each other have.

The most unconditional love from a man who never tried to mold me into anything. If I jumped up & down from joy in public with him, he was all in. Never embarrassed. Just never cared if I laughed too loud or broke into spontaneous affection. It never bothered him if people thought we were too touchy-feely in public.

I remember one night when we traveled all the way up to the top of the Eiffel Tower & graffitied our initials on the inside of it, along with all the other lovers who did. We felt like little kids.

He was an Algerian-Muslim who was either one or two years older than me & was studying at a university in Paris to be a teacher. The conflict of the Algerian Civil War had made him move to France. There was not alot of knowledge I had about the war going on but he didn't care. He didn't care if I knew about his religion or his nationality & he never implied I was stupid for not knowing. He just accepted me & didn't try to change me at all. Just pure acceptance.

I remember having a dream about him a couple months ago where he looked a little older & his hair was a little grayer & he was a little chubbier. I’m not sure what it meant, although I do believe he was communicating to me through the collective consciousness of the subconscious mind when asleep. Like a “mind-meld”. Like we were thrust into another realm together & no matter how far away we were from each other physically, our spirits weren't.

He was one man that wasn't afraid to express his vulnerable & soft side. Sometimes he would just gaze at me, not say a word & a tear would roll down his cheek. He knew I only had 3 months in Paris & would be going home after that & he was always aware of how precious our time was together. Like he savored every second because he knew there would come a day when I would be gone. That's why he never took me for granted.

Maybe that’s why I wrote this. Maybe I feel taken for granted & my memories wander to a place & time when I felt pure magic.

Is it possible to feel this ever again?

I feel like I’m caught in a time warp & can’t break free & I’m wandering inside trying to poke holes in the bubble to get out. If I had a time machine right now, this would be the moment in time I would propel myself to.

Wherever you are Azeddine, I miss you…

I know it would have lasted if I studied my French a little more & you studied your English a little more.

Maybe, though, you were meant to be just another memory of mine. Fragmented, but still a crazy memory.

“Tu me manques, Azeddine. Tu me manques.” 💌