Maelstrom
This maelstrom of chaos Imprisoned by chains I’ve forged Suppressing its mad joy With a veneer of civilization I often loathe
This maelstrom of chaos Imprisoned by chains I’ve forged Suppressing its mad joy With a veneer of civilization I often loathe
Delusions, I think in darker moments Crafted to cover for a life gone wrong Protecting my soul from the reality That I am approaching the end of my song
But the strangeness of late has been growing This mask of reality worn thin Seeing the holes in these constructs Perhaps when I believe, we’ll begin
Do open my eyes to these wonders Or close them like I’ve often done No return once these truths are accepted This new paradigm from which I cannot run.
What I offer Is not all I have to give But
It is all I am willing to share Seeking perfection Before
I’ve hidden my true self in poetry My life sometimes woven through prose Reality masquerading as fiction History written in these words I chose
In cipher I often tell you my secrets Fiction interspersed with the truth Too shy to ever tell you directly But offering myself should you sleuth
You wonder where the treasure is hidden The real girl oft hidden in shade If you search well you’re likely to find her In these poems and stories I’ve made.
I do not understand why you persisted
Broken as I was, pushing you away
I'm done with love, I told you
Grieving, waiting for dissolution
You felt the lie in my words, I think
Waiting, hurt by my constant rejection
Me, trying to save you
You, refusing to leave
'I love you,' you confessed, terrified
My acknowledgement without reciprocation
I cannot, I told you
Terrified that i might be wrong
Hurting, one too many rejections
You disappeared
Me, wondering, worried
Knowing it was what I deserved
Returning, you had a new crush
I was happy for you (no I was not)
An unexpected sadness
Admitting, finally, that I might still feel
I was hurt
(I deserved it)
I was jealous
(I was a fool)
I think I have feelings, I said
You knew
I've been stupid, I sighed
Yes, but I love you, you said
Why
A question i cannot answer
But I love you too
For all my fatal flaws.
You point to your blood work and say
Everything looks great
Just be patient, you smile
Content that you've given sage advice
I want nothing more than to hurt you
To make you suffer my pain
My anguish as it steals away
This life built on struggle and loss
Ten thousand lies, you tell
One for each dollar spent
One for each minute lost
Paying for the privilege each time
I do not want to hurt you
I want to be free of this,
This unveiled threat to happiness
Free to become something else.
Whatever you are
Injury Sickness Curse
This is not the world I was born into
That world of ice rimed puddles
Of brightly colored kites, soaring
And endless possibility
This world has stripped its gears
Screaming as it dies, discordant, broken
Why am I here, I wonder
I want to go home