A sip of cachaça tonight. Just a sip. But my first sip of alcohol since november 2021. Good. The label of “sober” or “straight edge” doesn't fit me.
A sip of cachaça tonight. Just a sip. But my first sip of alcohol since november 2021. Good. The label of “sober” or “straight edge” doesn't fit me.
Christlike – wonder what it means.
The wealthier and safer the place you live, the more likely you are to commit suicide.
Do you notice how —
Maybe what I need to be happy is NOT moving back to my first-world home country but going into the real Brazil.
Not this safe neighborhood.
Book to read: The Courage to Be
Today started differently. Took modafinil around the same time – 11:30. Not ideal, but hey. Eggs for breakfast. Walked to the bakery. Sent 2 gratitude notes while under the sun. Brief biking workout whilst listening to Huberman Lab. No caffeine as yet today. Only decaf. Whilst biking (hot, dehydrating) the left-top of my head began to hurt. It seems to be a specific region of stress for me. I like to write. I really do. Now it is time to brain.fm. All else can wait. I feel mildly motivated to work, as a matter of fact. Interesting.
It doesn't have to be hard. It can be easy.
I will get better. I am building up my brain circuits for gratitude and presence. Being present doesn't mean being in terror.
Actually, what I considered being “awake” was rather just terror about the future and past.
When I am flowing – when I am having fun – when I am engaged in solving a problem – when I am using my capacities – maybe even when I am dealing with intense pain – I can deal with it as long as I don't think about the past or present.
There will always be suffering. But we must not suffer over the suffering.
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Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. And intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.
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Of the many problems we face today, some are natural calamities and must be accepted and faced with equanimity. Others, however, are of our own making, created by misunderstanding, and can be corrected. One such type arises from the conflict of ideologies, political or religious, when people fight each other for petty ends, losing sight of the basic humanity that binds us all together as a single human family. We must remember that the different religions, ideologies, and political systems of the world are meant for human beings to achieve happiness. We must not lose sight of this fundamental goal and at no time should we place means above ends; the supremacy of humanity over matter and ideology must always be maintained.
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Whether we will be able to achieve world peace or not, we have no choice but to work toward that goal. If we allow love and compassion to be dominated by anger, we will sacrifice the best part of our human intelligence—wisdom, our ability to decide between right and wrong. Along with selfishness, anger is one of the most serious problems facing the world today.
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To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.
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You cannot think simultaneously about listening to the waves and whether you are enjoying listening to the waves.
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The sense of not being free comes from trying to do things which are impossible and even meaningless. You are not “free” to draw a square circle, to live without a head, or to stop certain reflex actions. These are not obstacles to freedom; they are the conditions of freedom. I am not free to draw a circle if perchance it should turn out to be a square circle. I am not, thank heaven, free to walk out of doors and leave my head at home. Likewise I am not free to live in any moment but this one, or to separate myself from my feelings.
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I fall straight into contradiction when I try to act and decide in order to be happy, when I make “being pleased” my future goal. For the more my actions are directed towards future pleasures, the more I am incapable of enjoying any pleasures at all. For all pleasures are present, and nothing save complete awareness of the present can even begin to guarantee future happiness.
NEVER DO PSYCHEDELICS AGAIN. WHEN YOU FEEL UNCONSCIOUS, MEDITATE. STUDY ZEN, BUDDHISM, RELIGION, WHATEVER.
Everyone has love, but it can only come out when he is convinced of the impossibility and the frustration of trying to love himself.
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Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the Gods made for fun.
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The more a thing tends to be permanent, the more it tends to be lifeless.
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If you want live, don't cling to it. If I desire not to desire, is that not a desire? How can I surrender myself when my self is the opposite of surrender?
Ai ai ai. Enough philosophy and meditation. I think I want to play a different game – the business and getting wealthy game.
I still haven't figured it out!
It's a hard game, it doesn't lead to lasting happiness... but damn can you build some dope shit with it!
Perhaps my life was not good before aya.
Perhaps it was getting worse.
I was certainly anxious about my heart health. And angry.
I believe that we create meaning or choose it, rather than find it.
So, let’s find a new meaning.
Something to strive for.
1000 genuine thank you notes?
I used to be relieved by the thought that I could commit suicide.
Then, I was relieved by the thought that life is keeping me around for some reason. I’ve been in enough dangerous situations that could have taken my life, and I haven’t lost it yet. God must want me alive for some purpose.
Now, I am afraid of death, and feel purposeless. I don’t want to die for the sake of my wife and family. I don’t want to live without them either. And I don’t want to either go into a black hole of loneliness or be reincarnated in a possibly worse or more intense life.
In many ways I have chosen to live a more intense life. I have quit drinking. I have pursued an unconventional career. I have gotten into a long term relationship.
And I do regret that choice partially because I would like some numbness back.
I’m sure I am capable of epic pleasure but I don’t know if it’s worth the added sensitivity to pain.
I don't want to work. I want to run. I don't want this coffee. I want to run.
This could be my last day on earth! Why waste it doing a fucking tax report?
Live it.
It's satisfying to leave things until the last day.
Work should only be attempted after a good work out.
No more alone sitting at home working on things I don't care about. Live right now like I already have it all.
Be like B, my Brazilian friend. He hasn't got it all figured out. But he's happy. He lives each day. He doesn't do work that he hates.
Fuck doing work that I hate. I am meant to be grateful and kind right now. That's much more interesting.
The whole day almost gone. Yep, modafinil does not equal productivity. Productivity equals productivity. I'm gonna start work today and make sure I'm up early tomorrow.
“The best of us weren't going to make it out.”
You might need to steal someone's piece of bread.
You might need to move a number on a list so that someone else would be executed tomorrow and not you, postponing your death.
Tyranny is a holographic structure – it exists everywhere simultaneously once it gets a grip.
By taking on the sins of the world, you will redeem yourself.
If we overestimate man, we promote him to what he can be. If we promote what man should be, we allow him to be capable of that.
If we estimate man as he is, we make him worse.
Modafinil isn't a guarantee that you'll be productive. It can also make studying just about anything super interesting.
But hey – I took an hour and a half ago.
I still have a good 2-4 hours left of the peak.
Time to focus.
Time to get this tax report done.
Study meaning afterward.
Actually I will watch a summary video of Man's Search for Meaning then get on with it.
The personal is universal.
John Vervaeke solved the meaning crisis for himself – and so he was able to help others through it.
Love is central to rationality.
Ultimately reason needs love. Love is what brings reason out of the gravity well of egocentrism.
Love is when you painfully realise there is someone other than yourself.
It would probably be relieving to have a child in some respects. To care about someone beyond myself.
It’s always possible to turn something bad into something good. No matter what comes our way we can turn it into something good.
Time to go hard on the bike.
Spend the next 18 minutes listening to electronica and thinking about what I’m grateful for.