Perhaps I need more gratitude.
I am depressed and anxious a lot of the time huh?
Which indicates perhaps that my happiness “circuits” have been disabled or broken down.
And think of new stuff. Stuff I am actually grateful for. Not just “paintings on the wall.”
And cultivate relationships. Real relationships. Stop letting politics and conspiracy theories get in the way of connection.
Share with people what I’m grateful to them for.
I hope this hyper thoughtful phase ends.
Just as I hoped my “unconscious” phase would end… which it did.
Oh god, I’ve got a lot in store for me for the rest of my life.
B could want a baby or not. If she has a baby she could get postpartum depression. Or breast cancer. Or any number of things.
I could get murdered.
Any of my family or loved ones could.
My hypothetical son(s) and/or daughter(s) too.
I didn’t need to eat that burger just now. What a waste of life.
Pointless calories.
Now I’m cycling in the hopes that’ll help my digestion.
The end of the week and my fast can’t come sooner.
I hope going back to my home country is a good excuse for eating healthy.
Damn it is easy to focus on life’s negatives.
And damn is it easy to overthink.
Avoiding suicide is good. The body usually is the best source of info about the present moment. The body doesn’t want to die – until it does. Best to follow what the body wants. Therefore, you need to shut up the mind. So, in fact, anything that makes you delay suicide is worth it.
I will do it even though it’s dumb.
unfortunately.
50k to 73k – 4/6 chance of winning.
73k to zero – 5/6 chance of winning.
That’s the way it goes. You lose everything with these games.
Maybe the replacement for gambling is an adventure. An adventure that’ll thrill and excite me.
I want to bet the farm. I want to take the other 50k sats and bet them all. Let them all go.
It’s 60 reais! 20 NZD!
But what if I win?
God this is dumb and dangerous thinking.
But perhaps clearing out of wallet will give me the mental clarity I need to stop.
Ah for fucks sake stop with this rationalising. You’re gambling. You’re addicting. You want the fix.
I do indeed.
30 deep breaths then decide.
Lost it all. Again.
Gambling is a sick disease.
Now to go and work out.
And of course I’m down almost 100%
715 sats remaining
Can only play hangman
Just worked my way up to 1k sats… and blew it on a second level hangman guess.
And my immediate reaction was to pop more money in. Glad I didn’t.
There’s really no need to gamble. It’s not a good habit.
If you liked the game you would do it without the betting.
Unfortunately, I feel like I am going to do this no matter what… I already want to use the balance I have in my wallet.
I want to “round down” to 50k sats.
Fucksake.
I want to gamble my winnings.
Workout first then do it?
Or gamble the winnings then vow to never again gamble for 100 days?
The problem with gambling is – if I lose, I lose. If I win, I develop the gambling habit, and lose.
The only way to win is by spending the gambling winnings. Then, they are gone.
Actually, the only way to win is not to play.
I spent a lot of time last night reading erotic stories. It’s basically porn.
Don’t like the sensation of falling back into old habits.
What if I began drinking again???
5944 sats. 5 reais. That’s what I’ve got leftover of winnings.
To play or not to play?
The amounts are largely irrelevant.
I want to play. Even if it brings me back where I was.
Ok then.
I will probably lose.
But then I’ll properly not gamble for the next XX days? No new money?
Sure. Yes. I promise.
alfajor for 6rs from poke place sucks. overpriced and too small. don't buy things from places that specialise in another thing. don't go to your paint shop for hot sauce.
a piece of fish bone gets stuck in my teeth but its- got it.
eating more fish, less meat seems like a good idea. omega 3 is important for brain health.
check the events on the calendar, send via tg to this computer, then only focus on brainfm and todolist for the next hour?
ugh ugh ugh booga booga fucky wucky
i like my ring
i like coffeezilla
i like jesus
thank god schizophrenia doesn't run in my family. i just have mild hppd/anxiety.
perhaps i don't have trauma but just damaged/depleted/whacked out of balance brain chemistry.
one anxious recurrent belief i get into is that my thoughts are creating reality. imagining that my loved ones will suffer an attack or car crash or whatever makes me feel like that's going to happen and it'll be my fault
but that's bullshit
New day... feeling somewhat good.
Day started early – 5:30am. B asked me if she was “allowed” to start her day – one of her common jokes. Asking if she's “allowed” to do completely normal stuff like have a medicine or a hot shower.
I said yes, but it comes at a price – “pinceladas” and kisses. Pinceladas in Portuguese mean “[paint] brushes” which of course, means brushing the dick on the outside of the pussy.
If you spend any decent amount of time in Brazil you learn quickly that almost everything has a sexual connotation. I truly reckon it's one of the horniest places on earth.
Anyway, she laughed and accepted, and I got a bit carried away – as soon as I felt she was wet, I stuck it in and finished in her in less than a minute. That's quite out of character for me — I'm usually a quite attentive lover. Or at least, I make sure that she comes first, so that I don't feel selfish when it's “my turn.” (I always feel shit if I come and she doesn't.)
Immediately after, she was shocked and began laughing. She said she “didn't even decide if she wanted an orgasm yet.”
But of course she did – so I got her the magic wand and held and kissed her as she got herself off. Then I took her to the shower to clean up and start her day... and went back to bed.
I then slept until almost 1pm. There goes my plans of using modafinil, huh. But it doesn't matter too much – I don't have a packed schedule or anything.
I have enough modafinil for the other 4 days of the week – my last 4 work days at the company I spent 3 years building, or the company that acquired the company I spent 3 years building.
After this work week I am going to completely unplug.
No phone, no computer. Maybe no coffee. I could be down for a proper fast too. Exercise every day – probably a good idea. Icebaths as well.
I want to completely disconnect from technology – and my habitual late-night/early-morning browsing of reddit, hacker news, 4chan and the like.
Get into my body. Out of my mind.
The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master.
I love watching parents with their children.
I am sitting in a coffee shop.
I have downed almost 350ml of V60 specialty coffee. Straight from the valleys of Minas Gerais. God will I miss this when I go back to my country.
I am moderately nervous about it but I know it's the right choice – I gotta see my family.
Prioritise time!!!
Write.as is not the right place for this. Google Docs perhaps?
Let's go.