gringo

I want to gamble, it’s 2am. Gamble the winnings from last time? Thought I said every 100 days. It’s a slippery slope.

Every 100 days. Every 100 days but gambling my winnings don’t count. Every 100 days but less than $5 a day doesn’t count. Etc….

Just like “just a peek” I know that I was looking too long at the porn on /b/ Am actively choosing to browse /b/ partially because I knew there would be porn or at least wacky/kinky/funny sex stories.

Speaking of which I’ve definitely been reading too much sex stories too.

And not having enough real life sex with my wife.

No. No gamble.

And not because I’m going to instead browse sex stories or porn.

Nope. It’s time to sleep.

I want to gamble, I want to watch porn.

Almost a year off huh? And still the urges remain.

That’s a good sign that my brain hasn’t been permanently altered though. (Or, that the wiring for these addictions is DEEP.)

I am confident that as deep as my porn addiction, is also a growth mindset that believes that everything passes, and that I have a deeply plastic brain and body.

That I can change myself for the better with effort and discipline.

How I wish I could “go back”, huh? Go back to how I was pre ayahuasca. Ignorant yet happy. I don’t wish for omniscience. I don’t want to understand everything. And yet I feel as though I can’t go back. I just hope I can heal my brain chemistry enough to feel consistent peace and happiness. Hopefully being back in my home country, with my family, gives me a sense of home and safety. I feel properly untethered these days. Super disconnected from (consensus) reality. Wait fuck fuck fuck. I’m planning to take modafinil tomorrow and coffee. Surely that can’t be helpful for my brain. Ai ai ai ai ai. I can’t wait to go without my phone and computer for 2 weeks. But what if life gets fuckin intense without them? Without their distractions? Just be calm… Calm calm calm… Maybe 5 minute journal could help? And recording the passage of time…

Create equanimity to deal with awareness?

You’re not going crazy. You’ve refined your awareness to a very high degree… Your awareness has grown faster than your equanimity. You need to go back to a practice that creates equanimity.

https://uplift.love/the-hidden-dangers-of-early-enlightenment/

I think a lot of the time, young people expect that they will be much wiser when they are older.

Which is maybe the case.

But it also seems to be that significant personal development is done between ages 1-20, and the rest of your life is reflecting, integrating, and understanding that, while you gain some security and do some day to day routine and fight against what will eventually overwhelm you – sickness, old age, and death.

A recent frame of mind I enjoyed: Plato’s Cave

The cave mindset is when you are clinging to the ever changing material side of life. Your body, relationship, job, money situation… in other words, maya.

You can choose to be in the cave, or in the real world.

But the real world is indescribable. It’s permanent and constant and comforting perhaps, but you cannot put it into words.

Perhaps I am traumatised.

This person says they were unaware of their childhood abuse for up to a year after their bad trip.

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But also in the same article she talks about being chemically worn out, too tapped-into the subconscious… that could also be me.

I’m hoping a visit back to the familiar smells and sounds and sights of my childhood will ground me.

I’m also pleasantly surprised to find myself less anxious this night. Maybe because of passionflower, or late night exercise, or magnesium… in any case, me likey.

I think my brain does need to be healed. It’s out of whack right now. And I cannot let my brain (and sleep) deteriorate.

I want to quit coffee again. As soon as I find a new job perhaps? Or maybe I can wean into tea?

I feel sick from the sense that I know everything.

The sense of knowing everything makes me sick.

I want to let go of what I know.

Chase food, sex, power, money again?

Would feel nice surely…

What if aya’s gift to me was the urge to be physically fit?

As in… I am anxious nearly all the time now. I feel wound up at night, afraid of death, worried my heart is going to give out, concerned I am not living correctly, concerned about the implications of the infinity of the universe.

B seems to think anxiety is just a disadvantage. It’s only a weakness. It’s only tiring.

I definitely see how constant thinking is exhausting. How constant anxious thoughts are tiring.

But there is something that seems to shut up the constant anxious mind – exercise.

Good, constant exercise does miracles for anxiety.

I am scared of getting diagnosed with anxiety bc – CUT! Interrupted

As soon as you give it up you can have it all… As long as you want power you can never have it… As long as you seek enlightenment you’ll never reach it… As soon as you accept death you can live fully…

I am resisting pain, resisting death, resisting suffering. As a result, they are tormenting me. I anticipate them thousands of times over.

If you think you are free, you can’t escape.

Hmm. Well, I don’t know if I want to spend this lifetime believing in archons and the prison planet. Yeah maybe they’re true. But it seems like a shitty life if it’ll be devoted to escaping from them.

Can I not just spend this life playing the game? Enjoying the ups and downs? Not trying to find the ultimate truth of the universe but rather just being a good person, a good husband, a good dad maybe, transacting, being the structure behind others’ lives?