gringo

“You're not an adult until you've considered suicide.”

I read something like that a long time ago on Joe Rogan's IG, from a fellow comedian.

I often think about suicide. Life seems so overwhelming. Death seems so inconsequential.

I fucking hate that I don't think I can escape life by dying though.

I feel that the cycle of death/rebirth is a thing.

I totally get why people want to dull the pain with meds and drugs.

Heroin must be amazing for getting a release/embrace away from the terrible overwhelming force that is nature herself.

Everything seems like a lie or a placebo.

The idea that we are stronger than our misfortunes. That we are capable of overcoming anything that life throws us.

I don't want to go insane. I am scared of going insane. I feel like crying or screaming just at the thought.

I don't want to lose my grip on reality.

I don't want to hurt the people I love. I don't want to lose this space of shared reality. This space of shared meaning.

It's so precious that we can all inhabit and share and validate and back-up each other's experience of reality.

Life can be so desperately lonely. Does accepting the loneliness lead to acceptance?

Does accepting the need for love result in love?

Am I getting confronted with so many scary things recently because I'm ready for it?

God I love humor. Humor is so essential.

A pretty good day. Lots of sun. Saw friends. Made new friends. Listened to a lot of good music. Ate good food. Acai. Grilled chicken. Acai. 2 steaks for dinner. Sushi for late extra dinner. I like not confirming to standard mealtimes. I will fast tomorrow. Hopefully for the entire day. Can I do that? Surely right? I think I used all my antibiotics so surely. I don't need to take any painkillers either. I should have already stopped today. Maybe I take a final one right now? Nah, I'm not in pain. Let's see post shower. If it aches, I'll take, then no more ever again. I am lucky to not have infected gums. If I can, I would like to make the 6am prayer session. But it's midnight already so I doubt I can do that. An extra hour and a half sleep is worth it.

I did almost everything I planned to do today. Lunch with C. Clear emails. Confirm B shutdown. Daily settlement. Big meat dinner. Have sex. Reduce overwhelm. Even writing.

Paid for my accelerator. Tried to unblock bank. Even did some jobsearch stuff.

I didn't get any coding done. Realistically I won't tomorrow either. Tudo bem. Tomorrow can be a calls day.

Focus on adding value to others and truly listening.

I had a double espresso today and damn I didn't actually like the effect. Gives me this tired and wired feeling. Focused to a fault.

Too mentally active, missing the forest for the trees.

Yeah. Fuck caffiene. I'm done with it.

Now it's time to brush my teeth and join my wife in bed.

Writing so often is about quality not quantity. Computers add quantity but not quality. Writing on paper makes it more real. More accessible.

Therefore I will stop using my computer now and begin writing in my new notebook.

“Potential world tragedy”

That's the all-day event I have on my calendar, from the highly trustworthy source of an amateur Twitter astrologist.

But I couldn't really be phased either way. Nuclear war, my imminent death, inter-country war, being unable to go home – it all seems kind of pointless to worry about.

If anything, I'm in a better state than ever before to accept a new life.

My company is shutting down, I recently did aya, and I even have painkillers to deal with my current reality.

But yeah yeah yeah. Let's go.

Painkillers. I don't want to get addicted to them, but they are useful. They do decrease swelling after the surgery.

I like and don't like how good they make me feel.

Hope that my taking them including when not strictly necessary does not cause me to crave them fuckloads when I stop.

But I should be fine. They are still neccessary.

I had a good day today. Not a very productive one, but I worked out, got sun, took care of myself, ate well, drank a lot of water.

I did everything I wanted to do on my 5 minute journal.

Wim Hof method breathing. Only do what is inspiring til my pre-committed calls. Drink a lot of water.

I even had a nice couple cups of decaf coffee, including one with warmed milk and melted chocolate. Yum.

Now I am feeling relatively present and unharried. This is a good time to be creative. It's 8:30pm.

Soon the drug will kick in and I'll get a moderate high and enjoyment from listening to music.

That would make endorsements a good idea – plus maybe brainstorming opportunities.

I think I will do task cleanup before all else. I already have most of the endorsements written down.

And time to get that music playing. Yeah baby, I want to be lucid.

My ball hurts. I better not have testicular cancer. That would fucking suck.

It's horrible having a condition for 6+ years that no urologist has been able to figure out.

The best espresso is a good depresso, I used to be fond of saying. I think my current somewhat down mood will lead me to a happier one tomorrow.

Thank god for emotional cycles.

Let's go let's go let's go.

I want to have kids. I am ready for it. Ready as I'll ever be at least.

It's a very strange feeling when you reach the limits of fear or pleasure.

I'm quite loved. People at my work like me. They support me. They're sad to see me go. I've had a good influence here.

My family miss me. But they also support me saving my money, staying in BR.

Took a painkiller even though I didn't need to.

I'm recovering so fast... so why push myself to skip yet another?

I'm glad I have friends like H – he's very smart. Very aware. He's delved into psychedelics even more than me and yet he's younger.

Currently on an energy high.

Possible causes:

  • Ego boost from LinkedIn/Slack posts
  • Deciding to invest $750 in my self-education
  • Happiness for my friends selling their company
  • Wisdom teeth extraction is turning out a lot easier than expected – much quicker recovery
  • Skin is clearing up with increased time spent without face cleaners
  • Less jaw pain
  • Well rested
  • Ate some good acai and soup
  • Didn't eat too much, so still feeling light

I am nervous about not capitalizing on the boost – shouldn't I be brainstorming? Writing endorsements? etc.

But I know the boost will come around again. I can even bring it on nowadays with a single espresso. A single high-quality shot!

Or a good acai, or a delicious steak.

Wherever did that impulse to leave Brazil come from? I am definitely happy here. High quality doctors and dentists for cheap, solutions for every problem come with either patience or money, low cost of living, healthy and natural lifestyle... it's just a wonderful country.

Oh yeah... my wife. She wants to go to Europe. Oh well...

There's a variety of youtube videos saying you can cure acne by stopping to wash your face – with anything other than water, that is.

Whilst looking at my face cleaner I'm inclined to agree – it's basically mostly alcohol, followed by aloe vera. What if I just did the aloe vera?

Caveman mode / paleo works for so many other aspects of life, so it makes sense that it would work for this too...

Just spent an hour playing games... boring as fuck.

Might need to ice my face... feeling a little bit of blood.

Then what?

Notebook writing I say.