I don't know if I will ever come to terms with what ayahuasca showed me most recently. Maybe not until I'm 40. Maybe not until I die.
I am also afraid that if I develop my own sense of peace with reality, then I am at once causing or somehow mirrored with another part of consciousness that is absolutely tormented by reality.
The reflection that is the universe... the lack of peace... the lack of escape... the lack of box... the lack of ability to transcend... it terrifies me.
I want God to exist so badly. I want a transcendent power that is above me in every single sense that I will never surpass.
[I wrote something that seemed very wrong and blasphemous just now. So blasphemous I don't want to keep it in writing.
It had to do with being terrified that I was somehow like or actually in fact 'the force that created everything' – using the word God seems to trigger me, but describing it in roundabout terms not so much.
Or terrified that nothing existed beyond that 'force']
Interesting how the above seemed so wrong as I wrote it. Maybe it was a sign from God? Don't even think about it.
Seriously that would be such a relief though. Such a relief. The existence of a God, one who stands outside samsara, the cycle of death and rebirth, the one who is going to help...
Jesus. Just as I was thinking of this... the possibility that it's impossible to constantly transcend and transcend without limit... that everything needs limit... that potentially once humanity/this soul ascends to no more, it will restart back at the beginning... this song started going down (around the 3m mark.)
Life Without Meaning – Soukah
I don't know what to do. Why do I define truth as so important? Why can't I choose to live the illusion that I want to? A happy illusion?
Do I somehow feel that sacrificing my own happiness will lead to others being happy?
Do I believe in a fundamental zero-sumness to the universe? That if I actively negate my own happiness others will be happy?
Why can't there be a grace, a happiness that exists beyond all?
Why is it so hard to believe in that?
That grace would allow us all to be happy?
That there is a possibility to be happy all the time?
Am I afraid that if I let myself be happy now I will be all terrified and sad later?
Is this some perverse kind of asceticism?
Like working out?
Am I trying to negate my happiness so that I won't be unhappy later?
I am kind of terrified of seeking too much happiness, it is true...
Well... well well. I really don't know.
I don't know that negating my happiness is really preparing me either.
It could be the case that if I don't take the opportunity to be happy now I will regret it later.
A part of me wishes too that eternal return doesn't exist. That I only have one life, or only one rendition of this life. That the same lessons won't need to be learned again.
That infinity truly does exist and that I'll never fall into the same place again.
The bad news is you’re falling through the air, nothing to hang on to, no parachute. The good news is there’s no ground.
– Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche
And if I fall through into the same area again? Is it possible to encounter the same area again?
Does it even really matter?
Perhaps the timeless wisdom that “only the now matters” is useful for that.
As long as I stay in the present and don't worry about what I'll face in the future or what I've faced previously, whatever I'm going through will be acceptable. Hm?
Yes that includes if I become a kid getting raped in the next life. Yes if that means I become Hitler or all the Jews he burned and experimented on. Yes that includes teeth pulling and flayings and impalings.
HOW CAN THAT BE THOUGH?
How can it possibly be acceptable? All the SHIT that we are capable of imagining or enacting?
Simply the fact I can imagine it means that it's possible, right?
WHAT THE FUCK??!?
Is it irresponsible to keep my eyes shut to the possibility?
Alternatively.... is it responsible not to?
After all – if I spend time focusing on evil, all the things that I can possibly imagine that are evil... then I am choosing not to spend my resources on the good.
Jeeesus. Really. I need to find a way out of this mental cycle.
I have written so much by now.
Actually not that much. It's all good.