Just found out I missed my shot at Thiel fellowship. It’s only for 22 and under. I would have been eligible. No university, making my own business. Really goes to show that you gotta grab all opportunities even the ones that seem unrealistic, with both hands.
Hard to sleep tonight. 24 July in case that matters. Getting strong sensations – same feelings I had on ayahuasca, plus a bit of anxiety/terror. Well actually – the whole ayahuasca trip was a bit of anxiety/terror.
A very seamless transition from dream to waking life – one about myself with a team or group of boys. We all got historical messages in our lives that foretold bad events – I think it was along the lines of 9/11. Something bad happens to the people who know about this. I’ve had this dream before. Behind a door of a room was a clue, related to “copper”.
-Well it’s scaring me to write more. I almost don’t want to remember it or think about it…
Why the fuck do we get dreams that repeat with such clarity and narrative structure?
I disgresss…
One in our group looks behind the door and sees something. Is suddenly aware he has 3 minutes before something happens – will he go crazy? Die? Don’t know.
He starts looking for a sat phone. I notice I can become quite calm on demand, or maybe I become calm because I know it’s a high danger situation.
And then I wake up…
and the transition is seamless…
and I have a strong sense of the otherness.
The ayahuasca feeling…
a blended indescribable feeling
that merges my name (and I suppose identity),
words like “yes” and “one” and “now”
-but I am acutely aware can lead to a psychotic break like the one I had on aya.
As soon as that sense of infinitude, white void, a world without definition – as soon as that becomes the only option – my monkey mind goes crazy. It’s almost as though it wants the terror and fear and anger just to keep itself boxed into the reality it knows.
(That’s weird – I didn’t know the sentence I was writing was going to turn out that well.)
But that’s how it feels.
I’m going to contact the medicine man and ask him for help.
Whatever happens I want to calm down. I am having weird sensations right now that I’m not asking for.
What the fuck did my uncle see as he died.
Was he experiencing the white void?
He seemed so scared. Drowning in his own body. Lungs failing.
He said that cancer stripped away all his courage.
Will it be like that for me?
I am probably more scared of cancer than any other kind of death- which seems ridiculous, cancer in many cases is one of the best deaths, you get time to say goodbye.
Though I suppose we all fantasise about dying in your sleep peacefully and instantly in your 80s/90s.
The thing that worries me about my uncle is- he read Krishnamurti. He recognised he was scared of dying because he had gained attachments. Maybe he was just as aware of reality as I was – or more – yet he had such a terrifying end still.
Or was it that terrifying?
I gotta go back home. And I gotta spend time with his boys – my cousins.
I’ve come to realise more things about the white void recently.
Perhaps I’ll write down the notes I’ve written in my physical notebook.
A basic summary is: even though the white void feels like the most accurate model of reality I’ve encountered yet – I still am choosing to use it as a model.
I can choose to follow a different model if I like.
Something else is important. That is the question of whether perfect peace can exist without also involving perfect memory.
Can samsara be broken through.
Can my soul ascend to a higher plane of being, with less suffering.
Why was all the suffering necessary in the first place. Who created this universe. Who created me (the universe).
Sometimes… when I get really compassionate, I have to stop myself from being reckless. Giving away too much money to friends who need help. It’s also not an effective form of help right? Or fair.
Right now I have money set aside for tax that could help my friend in a favela cover his expenses for the rest of the year.
I’m considering a trip overseas to take a risk that could cost me a lot.
I don’t know what to do.
I almost sent him over $100 just now.
Fasting is nice. It’s painful and difficult but in a good way. Challenging.
It’s a fast and effective way of focusing on your body and getting more meditative.
There also seems to be a symbolic meaning behind the physical changes that occur. Your stomach adjusting to the lack of food. The anxiety and relief that comes and goes. The bursts of energy and pain. And – after about 36 hours – the way your body begins to run off fat instead of glucose.
I just finished a 36 hour fast today. I feel satisfied and like I could have gone longer. I think I will dive right into another fast.
Right now it’s almost 11pm Saturday, so 36 hours would be 11am Monday, and 60 hours would be 11am Tuesday.
I’ll make the choice as I go along. No need to force myself on anything. Could eat tomorrow night, could eat Monday, could eat Tuesday. The goal is meditation and clear thinking.
A nice article: https://paleoleap.com/long-fasts/
Oh yeah – I also don’t want to coom. Not until I eat. I can have sex, but no cooming.
Alright alright. Some milk and probiotics with avocado oil. Functional and feels good.
Feels good.
Time to snuggle up with my wife.
Life update.
My left ball hurts. I think I slightly twisted or pulled it recently, and I've been having aches/internal pains due to it. Really uncomfortable.
I've done some proper squeezing and feeling around though, and don't feel anything off – or do I?
Am I just ignoring the problem because I'm used to it for so long? I've had an hydrocele for god knows how long.
Well, in any case – it's probably not cancer. I hope.
I managed to get some good work done today. Prioritized work. I talked with my mentor. Altogether I think I'm making the right choices. Help the company shutdown. Then focus on career. Or do a bit of both, in parallel.
I would like to get up earlier tomorrow. To that end, I won't eat right now. Eating right now would mean it takes longer to fall asleep.
I last ate at what, 7pm? No: 17:15 to 18:45.
Therefore... 3 h later... 19+3 = 22. Now is the perfect time to go to bed.
I'm a little hungry. But fuck it. Fasting is good. I need to lose fat. Cut one of the biggest xeno-estrogens sources out. Balance my hormones.
I'm confident if I fix my lifestyle, my acne will go away. In fact, I believe this is the message ayahuasca gave me most recently.
You don't need the isoretonin. Acne will go away on it's own if you follow this path.
So here I am. Ball aching. Just finished a busy day. Reading what – a bit of Hacker News? Do I even need to? Is it worth it?
I ought to turn Flux on harder... done.
Going to read When the Money's Just Too Damn Good – by Nat Eliason.
Then read the HN comments
Just spent an hour ??? maybe ??? browsing social media. Fucksake.
Then... man no. Fuck alllll of this. It's time to go to bed. That's the one thing. It's already 11pm. Breakfast at 7:30 – and honestly, I ought to bring my own decaf coffee, if I want to fast, so...
Then right after it's finished – an hour or so to get ready for a semi-important call with a company that might hire me.
Yes yes yes. Time to sleep. Read it tomorrow. Or don't read at all.
No amount of social media is worth cutting down on sleep.
Yes that article looks good. lookg soojf s good goo.aimaoautici sjwjw
I’m not afraid of failing. But I am afraid of getting distracted by money, and telling myself “I can always come back to it later.”
Be careful what you do to pay the bills. You might just succeed at it.
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Ah yes. That felt a bit better.
I wanna watch cofffffffffeeeeee zilllllla. fuck. fuck. fuk fuck. fuck fcukw .w.w.w.w.f jdjerehwsj,9e 28hjok;nszjdf. ds jhgsuinj, ,mx l. jsg r k,siuegkjbvkzuyef ncsuyxuvldmgjabzkjnvkjbhjskzz kznjkchtyu ghvbj hjgsjk,nabvbduybjks Opa.
Coffeeeeee Zilla?
Break the cycle. Headphnes off. Downward dog – 5 hindu pushups, 5 back stretches, 15 pushups, 5 squats, then come back.
Oh that feels much better.
Do I really need a shower? I haven't been out much today. A brief walk... yeah nah. Don't even need it tomorrow morning potentially.
Actually I forgot I have a wife. Yeah – she likes me showered.
Alright. 1-2 coffeezilla videos. Go to shower. then we will be able to happily sleep.
All will be well.
Laid off huh. Stop slouching. You're better than that. I feel shit though. Cmon cmon. Capitalize. Get workout authorization. We need to kill those sugar and coffee cravings. Make list of todos before leaving. We got this.
Expense the desk and monitor and stand I bought for work. Reimburse everything I can find that wasn't paid back. Make copies of everything possible on GDrive and related. Copy off Confluence too.
Now done.......................................................... the attestation that is. Bleeeeeh. Want to wank, smoke weed, slouch, drink coffee, eat sugar, eat a pizza, and just blabahabahab.
I'm not ready to be creative. At alllllll. Nap time? Yeah bro. Nap time. With brain.fm.
I will be made redundant. Almost certainly at this point. I will probably hear the news officially tonight.
How to react? One thing's for sure – getting mad or sad won't help me very much.
What were my aims? Paleo, meditate, work out, US$64k post tax, mold-proof house.
I can still work towards 4/5 of those aims regardless of my job status. US$64k post-tax can be achieved with a new job easy. I won't need to sell any crypto if I get a job even paying $50k/yr.
We can ask D (landlord) if we can go to month-by-month rent, because I'm getting made redundant.
I can make new CVs and send them out.
I can write endorsements.
Maybe I need a time to let go? Blow off some steam from the bad news? Beach swim?
Really I don't have any answers for what to do aside from work.
Pretty clearly, I need to start applying for jobs.
I need to have a standard writeup that I share with people to break the news.
How about knock off some endorsements. They've waited long enough.
I love being married.
It makes so many things easier.
I can dance my ass off in a club all night with friends, and I don’t need to worry about anything – except for not hitting anyone.
I don’t need to pay attention to if a girl likes me.
I don’t need to scan the room for girls I’m attracted to.
I don’t need to be afraid of rejection.
I can just be me.
Knowing that at home, there’s a woman who loves me for who I am;
- or at least, loves her idea of me -
which is pretty similar to the real me, because I act quite honest at home.
Yes she isn’t perfect. Yes she doesn’t fill my every need and desire.
But that’s ok.
I don’t need a perfect woman – or any woman at all.
I just want a good enough woman.
I can do the rest. I can take it from here.
I may be completely wrong about crypto privacy.
What if bitcoin being highly traceable is good?
What if evading KYC, and creating privacy-enhancing tech is actually enabling money laundering?
And along with that, enabling child sexual abuse material, forced prostitution, organ harvesting, kidnappings, and the like?
I talked to a guy with a lot of experience in crypto. Kidnapped 2 times. He says neither was due to his KYC data being leaked.
But even if it had been – he still supports KYC.
Because he thinks far fewer people will be harmed by KYC leaks than will be harmed with private, anonymous money.
It costs nothing to listen.
I know that KYC=bad, privacy=good is a fundamental belief of mine.
Perhaps it’s time to change that.
I am ignorant to a lot of the evil that people do. Fact.
I go a bit too deep with conspiracy theories. True.
I like convenience and money. Fact.
I could be wilfully blind to the disadvantages of crypto privacy.
Because it’s easier to build noKYC products.
It’s less effort for both you and the customer to ask less questions. Therefore more sales.
And there is a massive market for assisting people to money launder.
I need to think carefully about this.
I may be entirely wrong.