If I try to recall Siver's contact database system, I believe it was structured the following way:
A: Important people; close friends, partners, family; contact every 3 weeks. B: Fairly important people; most friends, colleagues, useful acquaintances; contact every 3 months. C: General acquaintances; contact every 6 months. D: Deferral – contact every year.
Maybe I ought to come up with my own database now?
But first – read the SQL book.
My back hurts so fucking much. Thank god I have physiotherapist tomorrow.
I probably lifted too much squatting and compressed my lower back.
Ahhh god damn does sunning up feel good.
I also finally have some antibiotics to help with my acne. I really hope they work.
At what point is noticing other women than your wife too much? Fantasizing about other women?
Obviously “none” is not the answer. That's repression and an impossible goal.
But too much – that leads to resentment, leaving your partner, or cheating. You should follow your dick when it comes to relationships – if there's no chemistry, there's no glue to hold the relationship together.
I suppose quitting porn does a lot to keep things healthy. And staying fit and healthy so that your wife/gf stays attracted to you.
Some cool stuff from my TG Saved messages.
Please, Systematically Enforce Your Constraints by Richard Marmorstein – an article that seriously rung true for me after implementing localisation into our app.
4 Poor Manosphere Mindsets You Better Avoid – a guy who talks about redpill/dating stuff speaks out against some dumb “manosphere” ideas.
PAGNIs: Probably Are Gonna Need Its – features you probably should add to your app.
Paul Graham 101 – a summary of Paul Graham's 200+ essays.
If you want to be happy you have to prostitute yourself first – an interesting take on the 2 sons story from the Bible.
The art of finding referrals and landing job interviews on LinkedIn – a short guide with some good tips that rings true with my experience.
Opt Out of Cynicism – worth reading just for this quote:
“The opposite of an optimist isn’t a pessimist, as they both realize that the world is changing and time moves forward. A pessimist also has a growth mindset, except they have a negative sign in front of it. The opposite of an optimist is the cynic.”
A guy who doesn't use any JS on his personal site: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29669812
PlayMcNow.com – an instant Minecraft server.
Soft White Underbelly Intro Video – and this interview with a former spa worker / prostitute.
Schlep Blindness by Paul Graham. On the benefits of working on mundane but important tasks that others avoid.
Web Outside of Browsers – Woob.tech – an interesting project.
SankeyMATIC – build a Sankey Diagram – useful for showing money flows.
Cambrian Fintech Co-Founder Matching Programme
Molecule.dev – promises to save months of dev time building a cross-platform app.
Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain – a guide on how to draw.
A list of things I'm mad about:
- Taking the vaccine
- The increase in propoganda
- How stupid and gullible people are
- The righteous ragers and revenge seekers
- People who brand me as stupid because I didn't go to university
- When skepticism is branded as gullibility or ignorance (a susceptibility to fake news)
- The fines for not wearing mask in the building I live
- Not being able to travel freely
- My wife's leftwing friends
- Throwaway dating and Tinder
- Tiktok
- Cryptocurrency
- NFTs
- Porn
- Fearmongering media
- The palpitations in my heart
- Cheating in relationships – especially for men who cheat their wives with hookers
- Low credit limit just cause I'm gringo
- Brazilian bureacracy
- The addictive/wakeful power of phone screens at night
- Not having seen my family for 2 years
- Being poor
- Hating my home country but also not being comfy in Brazil
And what I'm optimistic about:
- Akira the don's music
- My relationship
- My business
- My health despite the vaccine problems
- Bitcoin becoming more scalable and powerful and private
- Brazil
- People waking up
- My ability to speak português
- Finding my tribe
- The rise of strong men out of the increasing hardship
- My sex life
- Finding peace with losing everyone and everything
- My strength, physical moral and mental
- My acne
- My ability to adapt to life in a different country
Open Veins of Latin America – a “bible for an entire generation of left-wing thinkers”
This version of “The Egg” by Andy Weir
Teach Yourself Crypto – looks like a decent introductory course.
This quote:
“Western medicine is built upon informed consent without coercion. Its taken hundreds of years to build this ethical framework not sure I want to chuck that in the bin quite yet.
Two points that make me uneasy, the first is that none of the vaccines offer long term sterilising immunity. The second is that the segment of society that suffer the worst serious adverse events from vaccination are the ones who need the vaccine the least.
I'm fully vaccinated, but I wouldn't belittle anyone else's decision to not have the vaccine, especially if they were under 30.”
This blog post on the concept of “APIs as ladders” – making your API as easy to use as possible, no matter if you're dealing with a novice or an expert.
This critique of cryptocurrencies
This anon building guide for developers who don't want to give away their identity.
And just like that I'm out of battery and therefore internet.
I have a lot of stuff to do.
But do I really need to do it? Absolutely not.
What I should do is up to one person – me.
I would not like to get cancer. Why? I feel shit knowing it would be because of PFOA/pollution/pesticides/hormones/microplastics.
But why do I not want to die? Especially given I was suicidal just years ago and still feel that way on occasion?
I think it's because I see my potential. I can be a lot more than I am today. And I can be an example to others, not just myself. I can be fit and healthy and handsome and successful. I can show others there is a way to being happy.
But even then what's the point?
Maybe it's because of my creative potential. The chance for me to come up with ideas, tools, designs, and other such things. I feel like the world would miss out.
But all of those would fade away and be forgotten one day.
So I guess, I don't really have a compelling answer for why I should be alive.
And I'm certainly not the best alive specimen. I'm anxious, depressed, prone to anger, unfocused, lazy, sleepy, can't lift properly, and all of that.
God I'm almost having a fucking anxiety attack right now with the insane amount of coffee I ingested this morning. Why did I even need it? I was fucking awake!
Anyway let's get back to the story. Why am I alive? Fuck knows. Why do I want to stay alive? Realize my potential as a healthy and creative person.
So what would that involve?
Doing healthy and creative things.
How can I do that?
Work out, get sun, eat clean & organic, drink clean water. Get medical, dental, and skin checkups. Use sunscreen if going out for a long time. Avoid pollution. Avoid vaccines unless the risk of the disease outweighs the risk of the jab. Pray. See a psychologist. Do ayahuasca or mushrooms semi-regularly, once a year perhaps.
Write as often as possible, create a disciplined schedule for doing so. Learn to draw. Improve my programming knowledge. Stay involved with other's creative pursuits. Build passive income and save, so that I am able to focus on my creative life without survival fears. Use pseudonyms to avoid linking the creative work with my ego or worrying about censorship. Use brain.fm.
Seems all quite easy when I write it out like that. Quite simple.
Ah, I suppose there are some not-to-dos as well:
Reduce my addictions. Stay off porn, alcohol, and gambling. Keep my sugar intake down, avoid things a sugar addict would eat to get their fix. Keep not watching TV in bed. Consider cutting out or reducing coffee, TV in general, news/Reddit/HN, fatty/salty/fried foods, and even consider semen retention.
Step away from my job. Do the bare minimum to get by. Do some contracting again, exclusively low-effort maintenance stuff.
Now that we've zoomed out, let's zoom back in – to today.
Both of these I can do offline – excellent.
I guess I can crack in now?
Sugar cravings are back. And I can't convince myself that this “healthy” version of chocolate isn't what a sugar-addict would eat. Nor the honey I've eaten over the last few days.
I am worried about my momentum stopping. If my efforts to reduce sugar fail, what if that also leads to me relapsing on alcohol, gambling, and porn?
Facing Hereditary.
I have approximately 30 mins before my workout. I'm going to make a quick coffee to get ready then crack on with these videos.
14m: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JHXWUongeM – The film perpetuates a sense of being alone, the unreliability of family. Shit, maybe that's why I am scared of it? My own shaky family foundations?
9m: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXDuh_RNaSk
After:
15m: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hW_GokVMbNA 14m: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADzUs3xhxcY 18m: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7mWHe-N_sw 26m: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvYQyAkGe7M
Ah as an aside, also the Exorcist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGoiF4JvmHM
My workout was great. Super sunny right after and I had a beer, pao de queijo, and an agua de coco.
I actually haven't had anything since. No doubt I'll be getting hungry soon...
My lower back really hurts. Apparently it's fixed by working on hip flexors and doing those leg-reaching things.
Debilitating anxiety and insomnia have plagued me for days now. I cannot seem to sleep without the bathroom light on. Even then, I want to distract my mind with my phone – news, emails, twitter – so that I don't need to look into the shadows of the room or face whatever horrifying shit my mind might come up with.
I don't even know how this shit got to be so bad. I didn't even see Hereditary. I just watched some meme video that used the “Reborn” soundtrack and spent an hour or so in morbid curiosity about the film and reading comments of those who were affected by it.
I hate that I'm dealing with this. I should be savoring this time right now, my last 20 days with my wife before she heads off to Germany for more than 6 weeks. Potentially a lot longer if she lands a job there. I should be working out, getting my acne under control (= good sleep, clean sheets, less stress), and trying to work well (bonus and potential salary improvement coming up.)
Instead I'm feeling this sense of dread every bloody night.
It's so frustrating.
Also, you know how anxiety builds on itself? Starts a feedback loop? Well, it's also happening to me.
I am getting genuinely afraid of: – Vaccine conspiracy theories (e.g. the 4Chan Moderna guy, who says the mRNA vaccines will cause most of next generation to become infertile – and fuck, I cry thinking about this, because I don't want any kid I have to have the chance to have their own kid robbed from them...) – My heart-related side effects from my Pfizer jab... and that's mixed with a guilt, for betraying myself. – The fear of going insane / losing grip on reality (which, guess what, tends to be a common feeling among insomniacs and those prone to anxiety-related things like panic attacks) – The nation-state falling and needing to become a survivalist, learning to fight and farm, and how woefully unprepared I am for that – Nuclear war between Russia/EU/USA/China... the potential of Brazil getting fucked over. – The potential – although remote – idea that my home country would be nuked, or used as a “testing ground” for some type of evil totalitarian/sadistic shit. Note, latter more likely than former. – Getting cancer (from pesticides / hormones in Brazilian food, or the low EMF regulations here) – Breaking my teeth – Injuring my back (in CrossFit, or via excessive sitting) – The devil &/or demons being real, and in a true, literal sense, not just symbolic – as in, they are invisible and around us, or the worst – that by simply thinking about them (even if not trying to think about them), they will appear and begin torturing me. And/or ghosts being real and that by even thinking about them I will summon them to me. – My wife never getting over her past, dealing with her trauma and depression/anxiety forever. – Alternatively, her not being faithful to me, living in a false relationship – Being heavily fined or even imprisoned for not doing my taxes correctly (regardless of whether I'm trying my best. They're insanely hard to do when you have crypto & deal with Brazil.)
So where was I. How did I spend my night? Watching Calibre, a decent thriller/mild psych horror – until 2am, then distracting myself with my phone until 5:30am. Now it's 6:40am, thhe sun is rising, and I am feeling safer and happier. But also aware that this happy, excited feeling does not last forever, and I will get seriously tired later today. Hmm. Shall I schedule a morning workout? Probably, right?
What's the alternative? Watch horrors until 11, planning call, then get on with rest of day.
Yeah nah. Time for workout. And now I say. 7am to 8am. Start the day off right.
On second thought, I changed to 8-9am, because I want to do Metcon rather than Crossfit (more cardio, less strain.)
Apparently Hereditary is about how families stay silent on the topic of mental illness. Maybe I'm afraid it'll reveal something about my own family.
Or – it could also be the demonic shiiiit?
I think I need to face it today. Morning. Bright eyed and bushy tailed. Maybe I can eat or chew something so I can focus in other areas.
Maybe I can do a test run through the Wicker man?
And Akira the Don playlist.
Yep. Let's set this up.
Test run with Wicker Man. Then, we carefully go into Hereditary.
And oh man, Come and See will be difficult to watch.
Getting a taste for death metal. Starting with “Beg for Life” by Tomb Mold. There's apparently quite a few great Finnish death metal bands too.
New plan. I've found a different antidote to being a pussy. Death metal music. Shit just gets me calm and feeling lower emotion.
Like a war drum. Gets me strong, calm, and ready for anything.
So, I'll proceed with my plan to watch the horrors, at a faster pace.
BUT.
I have a week's worth of work to do. And I'll do it first.
A change in chair does seem to help me significantly. Neck hurts after a while in the soft chair, ass and lower back hurts after a while in the hard chair. A combo of both seems to help.
Kabbalah = tradition. Occult = secret / mystery / sacred.
Eating the blood & body of Jesus – we can't just look at an image and say “because it's strange, it's evil.”
Yes Aleister Crowley was a bad dude, yes the Freemasons have done bad shit. But it doesn't mean all their symbols or symbols related to them are evil, just because they're strange.
The fact that you reference the union of heaven and earth doesn't mean it's evil. There's nothing evil about a square and a compass.
Right hand up, left hand down isn't evil.
These symbols could be used in evil ways. But they are not intrinsically evil.
Strange things that come from the fringe, the edge – that come to your door – you have to decide – do you let them in a little bit? Completely? Do you chase them away? And if you chase them away, then a horde can come towards you.
Christ talks about the guy that gets rid of a demon, chases it out, sweeps his house clean, then the demon goes and finds 7 others worse than him and comes back into the house. (Matthew 12:43)
You see that with someone who takes a very strict diet, which starts a cycle of bingeing and dieting, and they end up worse off than they were before.
If you take a default-hostile approach to the world, many people will then see you as hostile, and maybe they'll come and rob your house.
Find the balance of hospitality. This is the magic of trick'or'treating. It's placating demons. It's not inviting them in.
We placate demons all the time. It's not just a paganistic or shamanistic thing.
The idea of the carnival – accept in a little darkness, in exchange for not being overcome by it later.
If you decide to celebrate Halloween, pay attention to how much you lose yourself in it's aesthetics. And be careful around people who “lose themselves” a lot.
Is Halloween dangerous to engage with? The monsters, the images of death? Yes. It is dangerous.
But what happens if you don't engage with that at all?
You will have to deal with your demons. You will have to placate them.
Additionally, prayer is the ultimate answer to your demons.
To watch someday: – Weaponized Compassion: https://www.bitchute.com/video/LDNlLriM2qvM/ – Theology for those who don't fit: https://www.bitchute.com/video/yMDV8JXvTkKC/
Anyway, I believe I have found my answer regarding the horror movies. Placate the demons – the parts of me that are attracted to evil, terror, pain, grief – but don't allow them in completely. Don't allow myself to get absorbed. Study the motifs, learn where the jumpscares are, then watch in the daytime, with plenty of time to process before sleep.
That's the way to do it.
The margin needs the center in order to have something to rebel against.
This helps explain why The Force Awakens was so bad. After having just slain the emperor in RotJ and being at the highest point they've ever been, the good guys suddenly come back as “The Resistance” instead of “The Rebellion”. People who were victors are now suddenly underdogs again. This under-privileged position is necessary for morality in postmodernism. You cannot be good unless you are oppressed and suffering, since lack of oppression or suffering is privilege and therefore bad.