I have a lot of stuff to do.
But do I really need to do it? Absolutely not.
What I should do is up to one person – me.
I would not like to get cancer. Why? I feel shit knowing it would be because of PFOA/pollution/pesticides/hormones/microplastics.
But why do I not want to die? Especially given I was suicidal just years ago and still feel that way on occasion?
I think it's because I see my potential. I can be a lot more than I am today. And I can be an example to others, not just myself. I can be fit and healthy and handsome and successful. I can show others there is a way to being happy.
But even then what's the point?
Maybe it's because of my creative potential. The chance for me to come up with ideas, tools, designs, and other such things. I feel like the world would miss out.
But all of those would fade away and be forgotten one day.
So I guess, I don't really have a compelling answer for why I should be alive.
And I'm certainly not the best alive specimen. I'm anxious, depressed, prone to anger, unfocused, lazy, sleepy, can't lift properly, and all of that.
God I'm almost having a fucking anxiety attack right now with the insane amount of coffee I ingested this morning. Why did I even need it? I was fucking awake!
Anyway let's get back to the story. Why am I alive? Fuck knows. Why do I want to stay alive? Realize my potential as a healthy and creative person.
So what would that involve?
Doing healthy and creative things.
How can I do that?
Work out, get sun, eat clean & organic, drink clean water. Get medical, dental, and skin checkups. Use sunscreen if going out for a long time. Avoid pollution. Avoid vaccines unless the risk of the disease outweighs the risk of the jab. Pray. See a psychologist. Do ayahuasca or mushrooms semi-regularly, once a year perhaps.
Write as often as possible, create a disciplined schedule for doing so. Learn to draw. Improve my programming knowledge. Stay involved with other's creative pursuits. Build passive income and save, so that I am able to focus on my creative life without survival fears. Use pseudonyms to avoid linking the creative work with my ego or worrying about censorship. Use brain.fm.
Seems all quite easy when I write it out like that. Quite simple.
Ah, I suppose there are some not-to-dos as well:
Reduce my addictions. Stay off porn, alcohol, and gambling. Keep my sugar intake down, avoid things a sugar addict would eat to get their fix. Keep not watching TV in bed. Consider cutting out or reducing coffee, TV in general, news/Reddit/HN, fatty/salty/fried foods, and even consider semen retention.
Step away from my job. Do the bare minimum to get by. Do some contracting again, exclusively low-effort maintenance stuff.
Now that we've zoomed out, let's zoom back in – to today.
- Figure out our financial obligations to parent company (read the contract)
- Remake reimbursement process.
Both of these I can do offline – excellent.
I guess I can crack in now?