gringo

Confrontation #1: The Wicker Man.

A good one to start with – a classic, that inspired Midsommar (which scared me) among many other films.

To reiterate:

A little girl goes missing in Scotland, policeman tries to investigate, everyone denies the girl existed, pagan shit. Clash of Christianity and Paganism. Apparently inspires Midsommar.

Explainer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGrJVy8dCBI

Step 1: Sypnosis.

Sergeant Neil Howie of the West Highland Police receives an anonymous letter requesting his presence on Summerisle, a remote Hebridean island famed for its popular and unusually abundant fruit produce. A young girl named Rowan Morrison has been missing for a number of months and her mother is being uncooperative with enquiries. Due to the island's isolation it is unlikely she could have left by herself, abduction is suspected.

Already we have a setup for the end. Why is it an abundant fruit harvest? Because they sacrifice kids (and it works). Mother doesn't help because she is in on it.

Howie, a devout and celibate Christian, travels by seaplane to the island and is profoundly disturbed to find a society that worships the old pagan, Celtic gods of their ancestors. Couples copulate openly in the fields, children are taught in school of the phallic importance of the maypole, toads are placed in the mouth to cure whooping cough, and the island has no Christian ministers or priests. Its church and graveyards have long been deconsecrated and are now used for the idiosyncratic burial rituals of the locals, who believe in re-incarnation.

In the course of his investigation, Howie encounters difficulty in extracting information from the islanders, who claim never to have heard of Rowan, and whose own mother insists does not exist. Rooming at The Green Man Inn, where he is introduced to the beautiful young daughter of the landlord, Willow, Howie notices a series of photographs celebrating the island's annual harvests adorning the wall of the bar with each photograph featuring a young girl, the May Queen. The latest photograph is missing due to it being “broken”. No negative exists.

Gaslighting. Ofc, Rowan was the May Queen.

After discovering a grave bearing Rowan Morrison's name in the cemetery, Howie's search eventually brings him into contact with the island's community leader, Laird and de facto figurehead Lord Summerisle, who explains to Howie the island's recent history and culture. Summerisle's grandfather, a distinguished Victorian scientist, developed several new strains of fruit that he believed could prosper in Scotland's climate given the proper conditions. Drawn to Summerisle's unique combination of fertile, volcanic soil and local waters heated by the Gulf Stream, he inculcated in the local populace a belief that the old gods were real and worshipping them by farming the new crop strains would deliver them from their meagre livelihood. The crops bore fruit and the island's Christian clergy were driven away, with the population now embracing pagan teachings wholesale. Enraged by Summerisle's glib comment that the Christian god is “dead”, Howie demands permission to exhume Rowan's body, which Lord Summerisle subsequently grants, confident in the belief that such a deeply religious community as his is incapable of murder. Howie's exhumation of the grave reveals only the body of a hare. He angrily confronts Summerisle once more, declaring that he believes that Rowan Morrison was murdered as part of a pagan sacrifice and that he intends to bring the full weight of the law upon the inhabitants of the island.

Uh oh. Me against the world... always goes bad.

Breaking into the local chemist's shop, Howie discovers that a negative of last year's harvest photograph does in fact exist. It shows Rowan standing amidst a meagre, pathetic group of boxes, indicating that last year's harvest was a poor one and that the crops the island's only means of income had failed. Struck by his recollection of an offhand remark made by Lord Summerisle about appeasing the old gods “when necessary” and by research that indicates pagan societies offer up a human sacrifice in the event of crop failure, Howie deduces that Rowan is in fact still alive and that she is being kept hidden until she can be sacrificed as part of the May Day celebrations to ensure a plentiful harvest for the coming year.

Alright so at this point, who did the anon tip?

Howie spends another night at the Inn where, in the room next to his, Willow sings to him and openly attempts to seduce him. The next morning, discovering that his plane has been sabotaged and is unable to take off, Howie elects to search the island for Rowan himself ahead of the impending May Day parade. Howie ties up the innkeeper and assumes his place as Punch, a principal character of the May Day festival. Disguised, he joins the procession of islanders as they cavort through the town and perform harmless sacrifices to the various lesser gods. Then Lord Summerisle announces that a grimmer sacrifice awaits them, and Rowan is finally revealed, tied to a post. Howie cuts her free and flees through a cave but after a brief chase emerges at another entrance on a precipice where Summerisle and his followers stand waiting for them. Howie is shocked to see Rowan merrily embrace her captors and then notices that he is being surrounded.

Apostle vibes. And betrayal. Classic.

Lord Summerisle explains to Howie that, after painstaking research on their behalf, he specifically was lured to Summerisle by the islanders, who have been successful in a conspiracy to lead him to believe that a missing girl was being held captive against her will, and confirms to him that last year's harvest failed disastrously, threatening the inhabitants with a return to their previously desperate existence and that they have no intention of allowing that to happen. Their religion calls for a sacrifice to be made to the Sun god as Lord Summerisle explains that, “animals are fine, but their acceptability is limited. A young child is even better, but not nearly as effective as the right kind of adult.” Howie's devout Christian lifestyle and his livelihood as a policeman mean that he meets the outstanding criteria for a human that is to be sacrificed to appease the gods he has come of his own free will, with the power of a king and he is a virgin. In spite of his protestations that the crops failed because fruit was not meant to grow on these islands and that next year the sacrifice of Lord Summerisle himself will be called for, Howie is stripped bare, then dressed in ceremonial robes and led to the summit of a cliff with his hands tied. He is horrified to find a giant, hollow wicker man statue which he is then locked inside. The statue is soon set afire. As the islanders surround the burning wicker man and sing the Middle English folk-song “Sumer Is Icumen In”, a terrified Howie curses them and recites Psalm 23 as he prays to God for accession to Heaven. The film ends as the burning head of the wicker man falls from its shoulders, as the sun sets in a blood-red sky.

Yes. A pretty good storyline with no real gore I suppose, good and well-earned scares.

Step 2: Explainer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGrJVy8dCBI


Little aside for Hereditary. The same guy who does this explainer did this – saying it “broke” him: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JHXWUongeM

Top 5 most terrifying moments for me: 5. Every time that god damn clicking sound happens – I watched the movie with headphones and it literally sounds like it’s right beside you (they often panned the sound hard left or right) 4. The groaning sound leading up to Charlie entering Annie’s body when the family are all downstairs together, the way the camera pans up along with the sound was ultra creepy 3. Annie waiting up in the corner of the ceiling, just waiting there for like a whole minute 2. Annie creepily flying past in the background of Peter’s room – it was just so surreal and out of nowhere 1. Head banging scene – the exorcist of the 21st century, the inhuman speed and power of it... ughhhh

Also an honourable mention to the smiling naked cult members in the treehouse and the house

For me the scariest scene is right at the beginning of the movie: where the grandmother's ghost is just standing in the corner of the room. You almost don't notice her – the characters never do. But then you see her.

this movie has changed me. i can’t stop thinking about it. it utterly terrified me. i can’t get it out of my head. midsommar was incredible, but it’s nothing like the utter terror of hereditary

The film is an absolute masterpiece but the energy that suffused the film is quite evil. The immorality is in question. At the end – with the amplification of voices that were not in the treehouae and the placement of the camera – Aster quite literally places the audience as a participating member of the ritual. There were many in my packed audience frozen at the end and then murmurs rose asking “dis I just participate in a satanic ritual?”

SPOLIERS Annie in the beginning at the grieving group for her mom, talks about all her MALE family members having mental illness, like schizophrenia. (Alluding to the attempts of King Paimon being brought about, as it must be a male) She also mentions how the grandmother was VERY involved in trying to raise Charlie (I wonder why...). Annie even had a miniature of the grandmother breastfeeding and her watching.

Something that really stuck out to me the next time watching was when Peter is at his class and they discuss the idea of being pawns in a bigger scheme that they cannot control, and whether it is more or less tragic if there is nothing that can be done? > How symbolic!

I'm a huge horror movie buff, and Ari Aster nailed what HORROR is to me. (Midsommar was a masterpiece). I've seen so many horror movies... “horror” movies that just use jumpscares, excessive blood and gore, and cheesy cgi is not horror. There is something about the raw, painfully dense atmosphere created in Ari Aster's films that really tap into the human psyche of anxiety, fear, and pain. The pain of Annie, (what an amazing actress) shook me to the core.

I will never forget the swallowing, sinking feeling in my stomach when Peter killed his sister. Theater talking, friends chatting... as soon as that happened, theater was quiet the rest of the movie as it just got more and more messed up. Absolutely amazing.

Right down this realm, highly recommend Jordan Peele's movies like Get Out and Us. Us is a beautifully written movie as well.

The scene where we transition from an unseen screaming mother to the rotting, ant ridden head of the little girl on the side of the road was possibly one of the most brilliant, most macabre scenes I’ve seen in a horror film this decade. Brilliant film making.

I don't think I've ever seen a movie that has made me feel like this, it's amazing, but it's not enjoyable to watch, it is too depressing, dark, pessimistic, disheartening, hopeless. For example, The Exorcist, just like this one, is a terrifying movie, but there's a sense of hope in the movie, there's good in it, this one just feels ''evil'', it's hard to explain the feelings that this movie evokes, but that's the best way I can describe it.


As another aside, I am going to watch some Jonathan Pageau videos – see what the symbol master (and Orthodox Christian) has to say on horror and occult symbolism.

There's a relationship between sacred space and horror. Horror is a category that transcends the rational. Horror exposes the darkest fears we have to overcome by being brave and virtuous.

(My god is Wim Hof Method amazing. Even just 10-15 breathes can change your whole mental state.)

Horror is part of the sacred in Christianity. The Cross – horror. Be not afraid – the terrifying angels. Horror is just one sided, that's the problem with it – encountering the monsters on the edge of the world.

There's a relationship between awe and terror. Imagine being an 11yo and a 6'5 warrior steps out in front of you. You'd be scared, impressed... etc.

The angels are terrifying when they appear.

You need to keep the dark stories in the bible – they act as a balance to keep you from thinking that you have it all figured out. Islam tried to eliminate all the weird stories in the bible (incest, genocide, etc)

The purpose of stories that don't make sense – the fringe, the margin – is not to make you think you should do them – but to stop you thinking you have it all figured out.

Satanism: anti-Christianity. The willingness to sacrifice our social fabric for the sick. The importance of the individual.


Just went out and came back from CrossFit, changed the bedsheets. Now 9:20pm. I don't want a repeat of yesterday, sleeping at 5am.

Nah, I'm setting myself these targets: • Drink water • Write up – yes just write up – my paper notes onto Dev Requests • Finish my Jonathan Pageau videos


On DMT: https://youtu.be/SkJ6fbbE9BI

bad trips come from our inability to surrender”. This. Times a thousand, definitely can confirm.

“We want to be distracted, mindless entertainment, mindless scrolling – we don't want to search and face what's been suppressed.”


Let's goooo. Water, Jonathan, paper notes. Or sleep before finish. Who knows. Sleepy bye bye.

Time to confront these horror movies.

How to do it?

I was originally considering going one by one. Now, I think this is a better approach: list each movie, summarize it's story, briefly expose myself to some images (in a quiet, dulled out, distracted way), then and only then, dive deeper into some.

Let's go!

Music on – Akira the Don (for sense of comfort and familiarity.)

Today we slay the dragons.

Hereditary

Director Ari Aster is the same one who made Midsommar, which was fucking creepy. And apparently this one is worse (according to my wife and various internet reviews.)

Mother passes away, young girl gets decapitated, cultists successfully put a demon into the brother of the young girl. Lots of contorned faces and background/psychological scares.

I have been creeped out ever since hearing the song Reborn.

Potentially useful explainer video on Paimon: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXDuh_RNaSk

And the movie itself: – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hW_GokVMbNAhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADzUs3xhxcY

Midsommar

I've watched this one before but could do with a rewatch to desensitize. Lots of symbolism, and a very good portrayal of psychedelics.

Soundtrack and symbolism does get quite scary at times.

Explainer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AK0aN1m66s

Risen

This is actually not a horror but a feel-good Christian movie. I doubt it's even PG. About a Roman general who gets converted to Christianity after seeing Jesus rise from the dead. I see it as a kind of antidote.

The Blair Witch Project

Another one that I've watched but could use a desensitization from.

Explainer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UboDTVUZdnE

The Conjuring

Never watched. Another one full of Christian symbolism. According to IMdB: family gets terrorized by a witch who sacrificed her own daughter. Ghosts and spirits, killing your own children, etc.

Explainer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdliFTVxzck

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

A classic. The remake may not even need to be watched. A cannibal family and a guy that runs after people and murders them with chainsaw. A lot of gore, apparently.

Recap: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ow_r155RBMw One of the most disturbing scenes apparently: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pm-iurWBNKM

...and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Apparently a pretty good remake of above. But I feel like the original is more worth watching.

There's also apparently a 2022 sequel on Netflix but I don't want to get into it. My goal is desensitization not enjoyment.

The Wicker Man

A little girl goes missing in Scotland, policeman tries to investigate, everyone denies the girl existed, pagan shit. Clash of Christianity and Paganism. Apparently inspires Midsommar.

Explainer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGrJVy8dCBI

The Passion of the Christ

This one isn't a horror, but a Christian movie – again, I see it as kind of an antidote to these other negative portrayals of Christianity. However, it's very graphic apparently.

Crucifixion scene: https://youtu.be/xoiF8skHYAc

Come and See

This one is apparently very hard to watch. It's a very real portrayal of how war was on the Eastern Front.

A very strong anti-war film.

Modern trailer: https://youtu.be/BcCbX1fqFKA

Explainer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7fVk5aC-pE

A summary that contains a lot of disturbing images: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RR0R7zsd7D8

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas

A more mild, but still hard to watch portrayal of Auchwitz. Watched it before but would be good to watch again.

The Exorcist

A classic. Daughter gets possessed by demon Pazuzu. Non-believers slowly get convinced to get the help of a priest to exorcise their daughter.

Explainer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0NT3KwtU6M Opening explainer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGoiF4JvmHM Sexual abuse theme? https://youtu.be/BlLrD1CC5wQ


I have a meeting in 10 minutes, but as soon as I'm done with it I'll be back. I think it would be a good idea to watch older movies first, as they've been heavily analysed already, and they should be able to prepare me for more modern movies.

Plus I can get rid of that niggling sensation “What if watching this is going to fuck me up / get me possessed by a demon / torment me forever?” – because obviously audiences have watched this for almost 50 years and have been fine.

It's just hit 5am.

What the fuck man. You'll get 4 hours sleep if you're lucky. That's no good for working productively. And good luck summoning the energy for a good workout.

That being said, was today a total waste? Staying up? I don't know. I feel like I got pretty inspired and had a decent time.

And I drank a lot of water.

Anyway regarding the movies. I got The Passion of the Christ and Risen to add to the list. I expect combining these with the horror movies might allow me a more balanced view. At the least... I'll get less scared of satanic influence from mere movie watching.

I mean I really feel fucked here! I don't want to think about these horror movies (that I've never even watched), but they play in my head, I imagine them, they fuck with my sleep. Therefore, I have to face them, right? My mind needs to decide that they're “complete”, done with, ready to let go and become a thing of the past.

At least that's what I think is the right course of action.


A little aside. Avoiding spiritual development or facing up to uncomfortable things can't just be left til the future while I get things like financial freedom or whatever sorted out.

The richer I get, the softer I'll get with it.

It's like freedom of speech. If you don't exercise it from the get go, you won't gain the courage to speak freely as you ascend in a public sphere / your career / a community.

F is a guy who does MDMA occasionally and says it's helped him a lot emotionally. But if I was in his position – maybe MDMA would be the only drug I feel safe using. Ayahuasca and shrooms would become too scary.

Nah. I need to become strong and brave WHILE I am poor. WHILE I am unsuccessful. I need to start speaking my truth WHILE I am starting out. Otherwise, I'll never gain the courage as the outside world improves around me.


I just followed my breath for 10 seconds. Surprisingly hard. But also worth it. It would be good to start meditating again. Truth be told, I've never properly done it as a habit.

Feeling better. Waiting for pasta to cook, a vegan premade meal to heat up. Had a bit of peanut butter and honey. Listening to Brain.fm unguided meditation, and watching Russia, Ukraine, and the West | Frederick Kagen | The JBP Podcast #230.

I like the feeling of my feet flat on the tiles. Even if I have to raise my hands up higher than I'd like, this is a good feeling position. Perhaps however, it's just a different position, and that's why I enjoy the feeling.

Perhaps too, the reason I am enjoying how I feel right now is because I am listening to the meditative music.

Maybe I never need psychedelics again. Maybe I just need to meditate and I will get that good, happy feeling.


Now I'm relaxed. I ate more than I needed, but I didn't want to leave leftovers.

• Do I use too much air conditioning? • Will I need to control my sugar intake the next time I take shrooms? (Actually, it'll technically be my first time. But regardless.) • Should I quit my business, sell half the shares when I get them, move back to my home country, work for my old company? No doubt it'd be chill... • Should I work on no-KYC, pro-privacy tools for bitcoin/crypto? • Should I act as if nothing really matters, since compared to fighting in a war it's so small in comparison? (See Jocko Willink) • “A wounded bear is a very dangerous animal” – but “we're not going to get into a global thermonuclear war.” Because Putin isn't that crazy – apparently. • That being said – whenever I choose to believe an expert – I am choosing. “You chose it.” (Alan Watts)

The movies I've got downloaded: • The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) • Hereditary (2018) • Midsommar (2019, Directors Cut) • The Blair Witch Project (1999) • The Conjuring (2013) • The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) • The Wicker Man (1973)

Why have I got them downloaded? I hate horror. Or do I? Perhaps I am so sick of being a pussy that I want to expose myself to whatever is the scariest thing I can handle, in order to get stronger.

But this is key: do so carefully.


Finally finished at 3am.... so much for my plans...

Am feeling a sense of sadness...

There was a lovely crypto community I was involved in during 2018/19... full of kind, smart, thoughtful people. I don't want to mention it since I want to keep this blog anonymous. But they've almost all moved on.

And I've missed so many trends and waves when it comes to crypto. I got off Twitter, I didn't come back. I got off social media, increasingly don't use it. I don't really regret reducing the noise in my life, but I do miss behind ahead of the game, connected to awesome ideas.

That all being said... am I not making new ideas right now? Is that not exactly what I'm doing with my blog? I am producing the noise, I am producing the signal. Rather than taking everything in from the world, I'm trying to block most of it out.

Yet I can never escape that the outside world and my inside world are inseparable. In a constant relationship. My inside is constantly yearning for the outside. The outside is always penetrating me.

Take this fiasco with the horror movies. A single pick into me and the idea is burrowed deep. My mind repeats and imagines how terrible they could be, over and over.

It's like the opposite, or the negative form (U-curve) of obsession. When I get really into an idea too, I can't stop thinking about it and seeking it out.


There will come a day when I regret these years, won't there?

These years sitting. Doing meaningless tasks. Failing to take life by the balls. Actively becoming complacent. Letting life happen to me.

My back hurts. I hope this is not the beginning of a lifelong condition.

Some Crossfit tomorrow should fix me up.

I don't know how I can minimize my regrets. I don't know what I will regret. I fail to know what's right. I fail to see clearly. I fail to put the correct labels on my reality. It's like the labels are disappearing from my mind. And the last labels I can rely on are those that have been with me forever. Sad. Scary. Uncomfortable. Tragic. I almost don't remember the good ones.

I don't know when to stop writing. That can be a good thing sometimes, and a bad thing other times. It's well over 3am now. I need to shower and sleep.

Why can't I feel good? All the time? Consistently? More than I feel bad?

Do I actually feel bad more than I feel good? Or do I just group in feeling neutral and feeling bad, in with “not feeling good?”

Self-doubt sucks but is also good right.

Right right right. My favorite word, or end of sentence. Asks the listener for affirmation. Hedges. Expresses uncertainty.

I will never be a leader while I remain uncertain.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Why do I even want to be a leader though. All the high powered influential people I know have anxiety problems.

I think it comes from a craving to control life. Control my surroundings.

Why do I hate hippie-ism? Positive thinking, healing affirmations? Surrendering, source, etc? The inner child? Why do I recoil from this stuff?

Why do I get annoyed with my psychologist when she says I'm still emotionally a child / have a child within me, and need to take care of him?

Maybe the reason Hereditary will shock me is not the occult/satanic stuff (which, by the way, I should look into, in terms of why it scares me) but something it brings up about how I act with my family?


It's not a good idea to be tired, and scared, at 4am. Not a good idea at all.

Anyway I decided to do some reading about horror movies:

Counterpoint: Don't watch them. If any part of me is Christian, then I should listen to the verses about shutting my eyes and ears to evil. Refusing to watch or listen to evil. https://becomingchristians.com/2013/10/29/a-godly-perspective-about-watching-horror-movies/

Counterpoint to that: JBP on confronting evil. That voluntarily taking on something scary is better than letting it take you unaware. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRoRLWuzSL8

Is there a middle path? What if I decided to study real-life horror? Expose myself to war stories and history?

Enough thinking for one night. Back to normal. Time to 5-minute journal, shower, and sleep.

I think I need to watch Hereditary. It's captured my mind's curiosity. There's some meaning in it. And my mind is playing it over and over to me until I see it, until I understand it.

I have tried avoiding it for weeks. And all it's given me is fear of the dark. I think of the name Paimon every time I go to sleep, and wonder if there's something unspeakably wrong – something unspeakable and true. About this film that so many people say is terrible and horrifying.

I know it's going to be scary. I know it's going to be hard to watch. I can try prepare myself, watch it bit by bit, in a half-closed window, watch critiques and reviews and spoilers and read synopsises as I go.

I cannot let myself stay scared of the unknown. I need to face whatever scares me, even if it's just some movie.

Like I said. Maybe there's some meaning in it. Some lesson my brain needs to extract. Maybe I need to appreciate the horror to get through and enjoy life again.

I am sick and tired of being distracted and led away.

Maybe I should watch it tonight? Face up to it. It's 11pm but I've still got energy. And tomorrow isn't a big or busy day.

Yet... this is also the type of thing I have promised myself over and over that I'll stop. All nighters. Fucking up my sleep. It's the whole reason I quit TV in bed – I want a consistent sleep cycle.

So no. I won't watch it tonight. But I will watch it.

And I'll rewatch Midsommar too, and check out the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Blair Witch Project, and everything else I've even been mildly scared about before I go to bed. I'll watch it and study it enough that it doesn't scare me anymore. And I'll sleep happy once again.

Righto. What to do with my life?

Time for a Portuguese lesson... then I'll be back.


Fuck. I might go mad if I stay in the same fucking position all day long. I need to be able to focus.

Also I need to work out and eat pussy today.

So let's fix that first. How can I get in a workout and change my environment?

Maybe I don't need to change environment as much as get some fresh air.

Alright. Clean other table, move keyboard there. Drink water. Shit. Change into shorts, go outside. Walk to pull-up rack near hotel, decompress my spine. Breathe deeply. Come back. Cold shower and change shirt. Then continue writing. I'm sure you'll feel better.

Absolutely I feel better. With a nice cold beer too... very nice.


Not feeling great. Haven't been able to get anything done the whole day, really.

But I suppose that doesn't ruin the day. It's a holiday after all.

I didn't even get to meditate. However, had I, I expect I would have come up with the following conclusions to my question:

  • Don't dilute your focus. Don't spread your efforts over too many areas. It'll weaken your ability to get things done.

  • Dabble in more new ideas and experiences.

  • Don't do things that you hate.

Naturally, these 3 things all contradict each other: you can't dabble without diluting or risking that you'll end up doing something you hate.

Or can you?

I will cap off the night with an hour long meditation session. Just here, at my computer, via brain.fm. Then, I will shower and come to bed, hopefully my wife will still be awake and horny.

And I should do what L has been suggesting – a small dose of shrooms together, somewhere beautiful.

What to do with my life?

The company I'm in feels doomed. New hires that are used to working in big companies, bringing their big company culture with them. They don't care about the business. They would accept it if we failed. Just something else to pop on the resume, cool I did crypto.

We are trying to expand to new countries just to appease our investors. It makes no sense, we still have so much —-

I decided to write my worries publicly in the Slack. And appropriately at the same time this song came on as I returned here... My Language – Akira the Don, Jordan B. Peterson.

Anyway – what do I do?

Guess that question will come tomorrow. Time to hug my wife.

Is crypto a terrible industry?

It's a beautiful sunny day outside. I probably ought to go out and enjoy it before sundown. Life is short.

But I'm also reading this – The /r/CryptoReality TEN COMMANDMENTS of Crypto.

Most people here are unashamedly anti-crypto, and they have a lot of good points.

Here's some of my favorite quotes:

“Crypto is not a zero-sum game. It's a negative-sum game... if the blockchain doesn't exist; if somebody is not wasting money and energy operating mining rigs, your BTC not only is worthless, but incapable of being recognized, much less transferred.” (actually, it would be capable of being recognized if someone had the latest state of the blockchain. But worth and transfer-ability? That I don't know.)

“If your tech only looks good in the context of a completely collapsed economy, that doesn't bode well for your tech.”

“From the day the Internet was unveiled, it clearly did certain things better than existing technology. And from there it got better.” (I will add the counterpoint here, crypto has worked better for me than existing technologies – online purchases as a teenager without parental approval, my friend getting money out of Nigeria.)

“If a stock price collapses, it doesn't necessarily affect the company's ability to do business... [meanwhile, a blockchain network] will collapse if there isn't a way for miners to profit and cover their expenses.” (I don't know enough about the economics of mining to say if this is an accurate critique or not.)

“There's never been enough liquidity in the market to cash out even 1% of crypto holders.”

“Trust is the by-product of accountability, not 'code'... we humans almost unilaterally prefer to conduct transactions with people and institutions we trust.”

“The fact that this database is “immutable” doesn't make it terribly useful for most types of applications. The ability to update/correct data is important, especially in the world of business and finance.” (I would also disagree here – I think in many cases you'd want to keep a record of the original entry, and add a correcting entry.)

“Like religion, Crypto has to justify its value by convincing people the status quo is evil and corrupt.”

“Like religion, Crypto adherents are evangelical in their zeal and dismissive of any facts or evidence that contradicts their beliefs.” (the biggest issue imo.)

“Like religion, Crypto invents solutions for problems it creates.” (by and large I agree here.)

“Like religion, Crypto promotes activities that are significantly less effective than traditional systems: Prayer as an alternative to actually doing something. NFTs as an alternative to actually owning artwork.” (This one seems to be unnecessarily dunking on religion.)

“Like religion, Crypto adherents liken their adoption of the tech as a unique world view that adds meaning to their lives. When was the last time you got angry at somebody because they didn't have the same brand of tennis shoes or credit card as you? Crypto people get as upset with those who don't subscribe to their philosophy as a religious person might view an atheist. Not merely another option, but some kind of threat to their very existence.”

Anyway. After peering through a few more articles, I can safely say the critics don't have it figured out either. They misrepresent crypto just as much as the pro-crypto people misrepresent crypto or the status quo.

Now I think I really ought to go out and enjoy the sun. Maybe get an acai. Yum.

Classic. As I'm about to crack into work, our company bank account gets shut off.

Where even was I? What was I about to do?

All right. Plan the day.

Cancel with the Eth bois. Fuck Ethereum.

Check gmail – anything urgent? No

Ok, then these 2 tasks are my main: – Export Feb financial data, make merged CS statement. – Export and format Jan tax data whilst documenting the process. Then, create trade importing script. Then, submit to FC.

I think the former is easier, the second is harder. So, I'll knock out the first, then go to the second.

Everything else is secondary today.

Ah but before all else. Calm down.

Teeth whitening is an interesting first experience.

Aside – what a fantastic fucking song to write to! la ville de nuit – Grooves track on brain.fm, Focus – creativity mode.

Anyway, the teeth whitening. I have 2 silicon moulds on both rows of my teeth. Filled with gel. I have to keep slurping back my saliva because it interferes with the whitening process.

I didn't even really want to whiten my teeth! I just need to do it before I get resins, else I can't choose to get whitenings in the future.

And the whole reason I want resins is to stop myself from having bad bruxism effects in the future.

The bottom teeth mould makes me want to throw up, ever so slightly. Or maybe it's because I'm accidentally ingesting peroxide. Who cares, it's an uncomfortable feeling regardless.

I cleaned the whole house this morning. 8:30ish to 12:30. A whole 4 hours. Now I'm starting work when I wanted to be finishing.

But I'm glad I got the job done, hey. A clean floor means the couch and the laundry will get less dusty. A clean outdoors means the floor won't get as dirty going forward. All these things work together to provide a more organised, patterned environment, which is conducive to a productive mind.

But as Alan Watts says – the organisation, the cleaning – it's all basically playful. Organising and ordering the world is just as playful as tearing it all down and fucking it up.

I developed a new wanking technique recently which is really good. I use a ton of oil, and when I'm close to cumming I stroke the base. As a result there's no pressure at the top and I naturally cum a lot, in a really satisfying way.

It's a good thing I learn how to wank in a satisfactory way before my wife leaves for Germany. Less than a month now.

Wonder if either of us will fall out of love. Or cheat. The two somewhat go hand in hand.