The worst thing about beginning CrossFit, is that the first results are very quick. I bought a new pair of board shorts in December and they're already loose on me. I also get constantly worried that I'll use bad form and hurt myself.
The worst thing about beginning CrossFit, is that the first results are very quick. I bought a new pair of board shorts in December and they're already loose on me. I also get constantly worried that I'll use bad form and hurt myself.
My decision to reduce effort seems so obvious in retrospect. If meaning comes from 3 sources – striving for a goal, quietly appreciating life, and, bearing suffering gracefully – then I only have one thing I ought to do – quietly appreciate life. I have no goal that excites me enough to strive for it. I do not suffer enough for meaning to come out of simply bearing it. Therefore, I need to quietly appreciate life.
It starts by noticing and actively pointing out that which I can appreciate – then “faking it til I make it” in a way, becoming the type of person who is grateful by acting like a person who is grateful, and noticing the same things they do.
And appreciation is not simply gratitude too. It's also wonder, disgust, awe, curiosity – it's embracing what is, it's noticing what is, not simply being thankful for it.
I have done gratitude exercises for quite a while but I've never stuck any habit of meditation.
So what am I doing to reduce effort? Well, it starts now. Recognising that I am tired, it's 1am, and in order to appreciate and notice life, I need to sleep. And work out, which I'll aim to do at 10am.
I like writing posts without an explicit title. Just the first sentence used as the header. It's nice. As I look at tiny.write.as I see the following:
They're all relatively interesting. Better than summary titles I could write by myself.
Write.as is really fucking good. Well worth the $9 a month. Well worth the effort that goes into it. It is truly easy to write here.
I don't think I need to publish my thoughts under my own name. Not for a while yet. I should really give myself time to refine my thinking, refine my writing. Only after I get good at writing should I start sharing. Think of Akira the Don. He doesn't share every song he's working on. He makes fully finished products then releases them. I should do the same.
My heart repeatedly gets a cramping feeling. Ever since my jab. My chest and upper back clench up, breathing gets difficult, and I have to stop for a few minutes and breathe slowly to calm down again.
I don't know what to do about it. I feel quite alone in the problem. At least I know my best friend also gets the same pains. He seems more chill about it. Accepting.
My last hope is ayahuasca basically. I went to the cardiologist – no problems. I brought it up with my psychologist – she thinks it might be anxiety, but I don't fit the usual symptoms. I doubt I'm stressed as I work out frequently and my business isn't as intense as it used to be – I've got regular income, and am unlikely to lose my job anytime soon. And I don't hate my work.
I hope that ayahuasca will either tell me conclusively that I have this for life / for the next 5 years / whatever, and help me accept that, or help me heal it, or give me some other type of closure. I hate the weird feeling of not knowing whether I actually have the pain or not. Whether I have these pains as a placebo or not.
But I am scared of ayahuasca. I believe for some reason my next time will be hard. Well – not without any evidence. I feel an instinctive resistance to doing it again, and the last time I had a semi-psychedelic experience (breathing exercises at a Wim Hof Method weekend course), I started crying and feeling something horrible.
I am afraid that the next time I do aya, I'll have a heart attack or feel some crushing disappointment in myself for taking the vaccine – and/or that the conspiracy theories that I believe are too crazy, turn out to be true. That this is some poison I've voluntarily accepted, that's cut me off from the possibility of a good life. Will it drive me to depression?
Then again – am I not functionally depressed right now? I increasingly feel like I'm spiraling into a life of meaningless and lack of desire to do anything. I want to believe that everything I do matters, I want to believe that I need to do something special with my life, but increasingly I just want to lie down and let it all happen. About the only thing I'm sure of is that I want to avoid pain – yet that also includes avoiding the apathy that will lead to long term pain of regret.
I lost contact with one of my Danish host families. I don't even know what I did that offended them so much. I think it was working late maybe? Or loudly talking on my phone while my host brother was dealing with a breakup? Or having a crush on my host sister?
I am still ashamed about that but I also feel like I can't do anything... I was awkward with her sure, I tried to spend time with her, I told her I was attracted to her, I tried to touch her to see if she'd reciprocate... but when she didn't, I backed off. I never crossed the line, I never broke any boundaries, I did my best to be respectful and never had any indication I wasn't... and besides, why would they re-accept me into their house 2 years later? So, it's probably not due to that.
It's probably all because of me not having enough consideration for their son. Not being quiet enough. Disrupting their peace.
I wish I could reconnect with them.
Maybe I just need to rejoin Facebook. They were always on Facebook, and I doubt they have seen any of my previous attempts to reach out via Messenger or Instagram.
My house needs some art. It really does. Art is what I like about cozy places like the art cafe or my Sicilian friend's house or my Danish friends' house.
I won't get the 5-year write.as plan. Even though I really like what I see so far, I am keen to pay the $9 a month fee until I am sure I want it for longer. Paying for the flexibility seems fair.
Considering making my blog public. Associating it with my real name. But I've made that “mistake” (not sure if it really is a mistake) before, with an immutable type of social media before. I never had a negative response from it before, but I am fearful that one day I'll get a negative response.
But if I look back to myself at the time I used that social media a lot... I was quite proud of myself. I was developing myself at an insane rate, becoming a well-rounded person, learning tons of new things.
So why not do it again? Surely people will forgive my flaws and weaknesses if I make mistakes while honestly trying to speak my truth. Or if I reveal something messy or socially unacceptable about myself.
And even if they don't – surely I can escape the consequences eventually? I mean fuck it – I moved countries successfully. I dealt constantly with the opportunity to be a different person while traveling. That was maybe the key benefit of traveling – I was never obligated to be the same person, since I met so many strangers.
I suppose I am scared of inadvertently exposing the private life of my wife or family or friends. Secrets they would rather keep. I could probably also accidentally damage my reputation or the reputation of the company(s) I work for.
But – surely I can find a way to be conscious of what is and isn't appropriate to share?
Surely I can speak only on things I am willing to talk about for the right reasons? Because they make me a stronger person? Surely I can't go wrong if I don't “force” myself to write?