I need to stop exploring consciousness for a while.
It's making me anxious as fuck. And I feel like my mind is gonna physically break from all the stress.
I have discovered a value from certain sacrifices like fasting, no alcohol, no smoking, no porn; that value seems to be more moral conduct, less meaningless suffering, more chance of living long.
So why jeopardise that potentially long life with a relentless exploration of consciousness that may very well lead me into a stroke?
Take the current lessons with me for as long as I can. Be kind. Be present. Avoid over-consumption of all types.
Perhaps even abandon entrepreneurship. Why suffer that much? No amount of money will be enough. Even if I became a billionaire I would begin spending shit-tons and having concerns about maintaining it all.
Perhaps only come back to entrepreneurship every time my job is not challenging enough.
Serve others. Keep my heart open. Try to avoid going into the ultra-defensive state my mind and the various cultures I find myself in, go into.
I am almost certain, right now, that I'll have to face the exact same crisis of meaning in later life. What am I not?
Maybe the moment of death is the moment of awakening.
Who knows – perhaps I'll have dementia, or bone cancer, or any number of horrible illnesses. Crushing regrets.
I suppose what makes me anxious is the idea that my parents or wife or whoever else will have a long life of suffering if I die before them. So I'm inclined to have a long life.
I think that line of thought scares me because if they felt the same about me, they also wouldn't want me to live a long life of suffering...
Going down that route of thought is scary. If a long life of suffering is bad, then why not end life ASAP – for me and for everyone I love?
That's madness...
One of the distinctive sensations I had in my most recent (last?) aya ceremony was that I was somehow at the point of life where everything made sense.
And I felt kind of regretful that I had forgotten that everything made sense. That I didn't need to do anything.
But also relieved. Basically I saw that I could live a great life, and have many good things in it – not everything, but a lot.
I could have a loving relationship with my wife, potentially kids, but also not and it could still be great. And that I just needed to do ayahuasca whenever I had the chance, and I would have this same sense of spiritual connection.
Of course that changed later in the session, where I felt profoundly shaken – still today really – and questioning whether I'll ever drink again.
In one sense, being willing to explore consciousness and being willing to tap into the suffering of others and confront the fear of the unknown, is like being on a psychedelic trip all the time.
One thing that made me feel like I was teetering on insanity was the idea that pure consciousness is lovely and peaceful, but it forgets itself and constantly creates new nightmares to remind itself what it's not, and go back to that peaceful state.
The fear of this constant dipping back into insanity freaked me the fuck out.
If I fully accept that... and it's implications... I definitely feel at risk of going crazy.
And I don't know what the solution I came up with was. Or can come up with.
Try to remember hell, and hold the perfect white light for longer?
Try to utterly cleanse myself of resentment and hate and anger and everything else that just seems to come around and bite me in the ass, so that when I die I can hold that state for longer?
I got the sense that if I live my life as an unconscious, evil asshole, I'll pay for it. I may have to live all the pain I caused. I could feel all the regret.
My anger and fear would propel me into a worse, unhappier reality... potentially into a bottomless pit.
And I think I am right in my assumption that regardless of whether suffering is infinite, or that good cannot exist without bad – potentially an equal amount of bad, but also potentially a minimum effective dose of bad – it's worth striving to be good.
Because plenty of people, or souls, or apertures of consciousness don't have a choice between good or bad.
They haven't awoken to themselves yet.
Anyway, that's enough words for today.
What does it all mean? What am I here to do?
I think... I want to heal my mind, distract myself for a time of my revelations, and come back to them later.
I am a little scared that I'll forget them, so maybe I should commit to spending some time thinking about them each day?
I also think there's a good chance that my physical and financial health will aid in this journey to be conscious and kind.
I shouldn't earn too much money, or earn it via exploiting people, but I can charge for a job well done surely. And try to make useful services that actually help people (i.e. not gambling or porn, but savings mechanisms, things to help people put their money on “autopilot”, actually legitimate permaculture/enviro-friendly stuff.)
And I should exercise every day. Some days more some days less, but still every day. Lots of cardio. Standing desk perhaps.
I should try to go vegan, but in a measured way that avoids the “bugsoy sludge.”