I am so grateful that this drug exists.
Maybe when it passes, I will feel different.
But today, right now, I feel great.
I won’t cling to the good experience. I’ll allow anxiety or depression back in, if they need to come back.
But in this moment I am experiencing joy, which is wonderful.
I haven’t fucked up my brain. I have the capacity to be peaceful.
Maybe MDMA will help me. I can relive parts of the ceremony that were traumatic.
Thank you thank you thank you.
God I'm glad I'm fasting. Made it fast the first 24h.
Balls hurting a bit. Maybe there's some healing going on.
Tomorrow I will wake up, go biking, then continue my work and finish it all.
Build a healthy ego.
A sense of self that integrates the aya trip. An ego that has some self-destruct mechanism involved.
That remembers on some level that everything is perfect, and seperateness doesn't exist.
Well... an ego that knows it doesn't exist is kind of confusing. Idk.
Meditation is a universal “Yes” to everything.
In order to find lasting peace and happiness, we must know ourselves – the non-dual perspective. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwXosKVO2yI
Alternative: happiness is a fleeting experience only known because of its opposite.
Benzos indeed make life feel easier.
I think I need to get just enough of my life together to handle my spiritual awakening.
Alternatively I need to spend some time dulled and distracted, so that I don't over-exert my soul.
I took on a very heavy weight during my aya ceremony.
Connection to many forms of suffering... potentially also the connection to joy, and to love, but I was utterly swamped by the burden of suffering.
Took a benzo to see if I feel better. 0.25mg clonazepam. I don't want to get addicted to it, but I do want to see if I can attain a state of mental peace.
If I can, then it's hope that I can in sober life as well. I am fasted, which might create some complications or make it more potent – I don't know.
I used to live in a happier illusion. Now I live in a more serious illusion, less happy but perhaps more deep.
Suffering is still grace, apparently.
https://www.ramdass.org/exploring-our-awareness-through-suffering/
But gee if I don’t struggle to accept that.
I want to take a benzo. Surely a single pill won’t addict me?
I didn’t want this awakening, I don’t think…
I wanted more time to enjoy life as a young guy.
Feels like lifting too much weight at once.
I overextended myself.
Not a choice between heaven and hell.
Nor a choice between clinging to my humanity and impersonal appreciation.
Know that it’s all perfect, while at the same time feeling happiness and sadness.
This is what I wished for. Yes it’s scary. But I am ready for it.
It’s ok to be scared. It’s a part of being human.
You can feel safe and scared at the same time…
Interesting talk on depression https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6zEzZCtkXw&t=5082s
Maybe I need meds?
JBP says not to underestimate it's value https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuQgJxYriYI
BUT MAYBE what I need is to ascend a hierarchy...
Don't go back into minwage work.
Don't suffer more than you have to.
I have good skills. I can do well.