~ aquatic void ~

Emptiness as a child's playground, a cozy home, etc.

It's unfinished, yet complete. Simple yet sophisticated. Terrifying yet peaceful. Finite, yet infinite.

I feel very out of sync; my mind and body. I fear many things, including the ones I desperately want to do. I'm getting tired of those fearful emotions. I'm tired of staggering.

I'm too scared to face the world. Too scared to face other people. I'm too scared, yet I'm a nobody because I did nothing. D'X

I'm too scared to play PvP; scared of people getting mad at me for my mistakes. People would most likely hate me.

All I do is cry and be lazy while not doing anything to hone my mind and body. I feel so empty and unfulfilled in my life right now. It's why my face has a lot of signs of stress; I look like I'm aging already.

I feel sooo empty... I feel as good as dead if I continue to be in inertia.

There's no real happiness in my daily life, because I'm not working nor playing whatsoever.

My ruminating thoughts and intellect is driving me insane.

Nothing sticks in my memory. They just come and go... Even the things I learned in the past are fading away unless I re-enforce those memories.

I've still been fixating on Zen Buddhism, however I felt guilty wasting my time not doing anything truly helpful for both myself and other people. I'm still struggling with my impulses and lack of clear direction in my life, not to mention I'm still not employed :(

So I thought, perhaps I should prioritize improving myself and my environment to bring stability in my life. I learned that you can't fix the world's problems without fixing yourself first.

Ok, so how will I do that. Maybe start simple, like walking or jogging, and writing and doodling on paper.

I had to delete all of my sensitive photos on the cloud and keep them locally, which was way overdue due to my forgetfulness. But as I do the task, I find myself going down memory lane as I scroll pass nostalgic photos of my earlier years, especially my past vacations. Those feelings were bittersweet; sweet as in those memories were pleasant, bitter as in I rarely get those moments with my family nowadays as everything has gotten much more expensive and everyone became more and more busy.

The important thing is that one has to let go of having their personal data being stored in order to gain better privacy which has been taken for granted. I definitely took a unnecessarily shit ton of photos of myself. But now I tend to not take so much photos from this point on.

From my perspective, infosec information and education on the internet seems to be getting too convoluted for the average computer user to understand. After all, the technology is outpacing our ability to keep up out comprehension, and the fact that many experts are putting too much verbal information for people's time and cognitive energy.

So what about 'training' like in safety training, disaster simulations or even martial arts? As an ADHD person, it's even harder for me than NT people to retain valuable information in my memory. To do that requires time and consistency, like training a muscle on your body. This seem to be an intriguing idea. I'm still trying to figure out how though.

#security

I can't even trust myself like this anymore. The environment is making my decision making much more difficult. I can't choose the right food to eat at the right time. I can't even be in tune with my own body often, which led me to overeat and feeling uncomfortably full afterwords.

I cannot budget to save my ADHD ass, yet someone suggested I look at financial management resources online, but I'm highly skeptical of them because they would mostly be for neurotypicals. Even the ones 'tailored' for people with ADHD is utterly flawed from my observation; the articles spew out the same tiring advice.

I keep on holding myself back. I'm too scared to show myself. But I hate myself for not doing anything.

There are issues on the internet that I want to address, but I don't know how to do it or where to start. I feel guilty for not taking any action.

Yet, these issues on the internet and in real life has been haunting me for too long. Ruminating them won't help me in the slightest.

Only do something that motivates and requires yourself and your input, no matter what the end result is.

p a r t c i p a t e

I've been quite more often than before. Is it a good thing? Maybe. But I won't be too quite tho :)

It seems I've been overstimulating myself with my racing thoughts much like external stimuli.

I realized that if I'm not doing any active activities to keep myself focused, my mind enters 'wandering' mode which is basically the Default Mode Network. I learned that the DMN is particularly hyperactive in ADHD brains.

If that's the case, then I should stop being so passive this whole time. I should at least be active physically and mentally during the day, and be passive in the night before sleep.

Perhaps the biggest enemy to my attention and mental health isn't social media or other distractions. It's my own hyperactive and aimless impulses.