AuDHD Activity
If I can't be trusted with my own psychological devices, then I need guidance. My guiding forces have long left me since my early 20s when I stopped going to school.
...
Since I've been fixating on martial arts (budo), maybe (just maybe) that is what I need. I tend to feel energetic and happy when I do outdoor activities when I was little.
I still have unresolved emotional pain and trauma. The pain of others not accepting me for who I am and being able to contribute to a community.
Multiplayer games are still lingering in my head because they are virtual social environments, and I'd hope I participate. The problem is that I'm very fearful of working with and facing against people due to my crippling rejection sensitivity, incompetence, and utter lack of social experience in real life. Yet I want to make something out of my experience in those games; something not relating to competition but rather personal growth. After all, how can I discover my true nature if I don't interact with others? Perhaps what I'm fundamentally missing is engagement in a community. I've been alone most of my life. Since I left college, I've been isolated for many years because I didn't know what I wanted to do going forward.
This dilemma has been haunting me. I kept on crying and crying without instances of joy in my daily life. This major emotional imbalance seem to be harming my body right now (dark spots and wrinkles on face, blood flow stagnation, etc).
If I don't find a way to solve this, my emotional pain might sooner or later make me ill for real...
I had this rather grim realization about PVP games such as Overwatch, Valorant, Marvel Rivals, etc. The treatment of support players across role or hero based games are indicative of how the ruling class treats workers regarding productivity and consequences.
During competitive matches, players who main damage-based (DPS, Duelists, etc) characters often blame support players for the shortcomings of the team, which is too often the fault of damage players themselves.
When situations becomes favorable, DPS players tend to take the credit in a boastful manner. But if things went downhill (let alone a minor mistake), these players would scold support players for 'failing to provide them support enough', despite the fact that supports often were trying their best but damage players kept being uncooperative or reckless in their actions. Even the game's rank system would punish all members of the losing team when it wasn't always everyone's fault.
This to me sound very much like the real world dynamics between the company owner and his employees. When the company succeeds, the owner takes the credit despite workers doing most or all of the hard work. The owner would not only blame workers for the company's failures, but often punishes them in many ways (mass layoffs, verbal and emotional abuse, demotions, wage cuts, etc).
It should be no suppose that competitive video games are cultural products of this capitalistic societal order. It's why we see too many FPS and competitive games in the (Western) market.
I used to play PvP games like S4 League and GunZ a lot before I went to highschool. I became hesitant to play PvP games ever since. Even when I fail embarrassingly, I still kept on playing those games because I enjoyed them for what they were. I didn't care about what I can gain from playing. Those games made me feel happy as a little kid, especially at times when I didn't want to go to school or do other boring or stressful things.
Why should I even care about my status anyways? My ego is pointless, so is everyone else's. We are small compared to the vastness of the cosmos. Yet humans are actively destroying life on Earth because of their inflating ego and greed.
I might as well have gave up being ambitious and and controlling. My thoughts and dreams usually don't come into fruition and probably never will. Been lying to myself of my intentions...
My mind and body were so out of sync and stagnated. So I decided to just do some qigong exercises from one youtube video
I couldn't handle the burden of having ambitious goals and heavy responsibilities. The thoughts of how can I contribute to this world seems too much for me. I can't figure out a plan or a path going forward.
I feel like I just want to give up, at least give up the high-effort things. My body just doesn't fuck with effort to being with.
I'm too scared to start because of how people would react to my work. But I shouldn't care right?? It's MY life NOT theirs to control and destroy...
:'(
It seems clear to me that software and administration alone isn't going to solve the problems that run deeper than technology itself. In fact, most of the cyberattacks and psychOPs (propaganda and misinformation) are driven by exploitation of human behavior via social engineering. Human beings are creatures of habit after all, and we are prone to making decisions based purely on instinct.