Intel + Graphy

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis in regards to playstyle.

I tried to do long range but I couldn't remain this strategy. I tried close range duels, but it was too frenetic and I always end up whipped into a frenzy and die. But as an auDHD person, I just didn't think I'd be capable of being as flexible as other players in this chaotic virtual arena. So how can I do this...?

I keep on holding myself back. I'm too scared to show myself. But I hate myself for not doing anything.

There are issues on the internet that I want to address, but I don't know how to do it or where to start. I feel guilty for not taking any action.

Yet, these issues on the internet and in real life has been haunting me for too long. Ruminating them won't help me in the slightest.

I've been fearful of this game for so long due to my rejection sensitivity and fear of uncertainty.

But then after many mindfulness attempts at this issue, I finally decided:

“fuck it and fuck ya'll. I don't and shouldn't care if I lose countless times. i shouldn't even try to win the monstrous match. things will always be beyond my control, and winning isn't eternal.”

So I hoped in as Lifeline, the same way I jumped in the game many years ago before I gave up. I let failure take me once more, except this time with a bit more tranquility than usual.

I tried to remain calm and care-free even though my body is telling me otherwise.

I have to say, this may be a small thing, but it could might as well be a major achievement like my other life achievements.

gameplay

Only do something that motivates and requires yourself and your input, no matter what the end result is.

p a r t c i p a t e

I've been quite more often than before. Is it a good thing? Maybe. But I won't be too quite tho :)

I did a nmap scan specifically for my iPhone. I saw two ports open: one for 'iphone-sync' and the other one is an 'unknown' service running on port 49152/tcp.

Why is it 'unknown'? This is very suspicious.

I tried to figure out – via search – what is that open port on my device for? There was some conflicting answers which was confusing.

But then I came across a blog page by Michael Horowitz. He argued that the 'unknown' open port could very well be a deliberate ongoing privacy breach by Apple.

His internal IP addresses – as opposed to gateway addresses – were being sent to the internet when they should have been discarded by the gateway router. Many suspicious requests on his iPhone and iPad were made in seconds every once in a while.

Another thing I found out from the author is that iPhone systems basically have no firewall in place. If that's true, then it's really alarming.

Thank God I stopped logging into some of my important accounts on my phone a while ago, and I changed the passwords just to be safe.

It seems I've been overstimulating myself with my racing thoughts much like external stimuli.

I realized that if I'm not doing any active activities to keep myself focused, my mind enters 'wandering' mode which is basically the Default Mode Network. I learned that the DMN is particularly hyperactive in ADHD brains.

If that's the case, then I should stop being so passive this whole time. I should at least be active physically and mentally during the day, and be passive in the night before sleep.

Perhaps the biggest enemy to my attention and mental health isn't social media or other distractions. It's my own hyperactive and aimless impulses.

I need to stop fixating on the past and the future, because the past is not there anymore, nor does the future exist right now. I need to think and feel what's already here right now, and what I can do at this very moment.

It's just pointless to do so, and I won't go anywhere if I keep up this habit. But it's difficult to completely be in the present right now. Which is why I need to train myself to be present and enjoy the natural pace and beauty of where I am.

No more dwelling, and no more overthinking. Just do what you want to do right here and now.

Should I fully stuck to only a few things and sacrifice everything else?

My attention and time may be very crucial, especially during a time of societal distress by technology.

So then, what should I keep and discard?

Obviously, the IT field is one I should keep. What about Japanese language/culture? That too. Writing and drawing? Absolutely.

OK... I'll have to try and reduce irrelevant noise, and hopefully prevent them for good.

(Log via notebook during outdoor activity)

When I'm physically active or when I drink milk tea, I feel the most motivated and alert. Right now, I could only achieve this by visiting places outdoors like parks or malls.

After I come home, the energy remained until bedtime. That time is where I can use that energy to be creative and productive (not in a capitalistic kind of productive, so don't get it twisted).

I even want to do something creative while in outdoors. I often have many ideas flowing in my mind as I explore the world and get my body moving.

I want to move more, and I want to consume good food and drinks more often. These things give me the energy. That energy is what I need to pursue my personal goals.

After walking and drinking that delicious drink, I feel pretty zen right now.