katelovesorange

its stupid oclock on sat morning. i didnt get anywhere near enough sleep last night. i hurt all over. i have warned a few clients that i may be very cranky by sunday night as i will have had only 12 hours sleep in 3 days. not sure what else i can do to warn them. i also called the office and wanted to know what i am supposed to do about lunch. well no one knew about the email that was sent to the office on tuesday. so half hour later i get a forwarded email asking us what to do. and i am thinking like shit you are the manager of this retirement home YOU figure it out ffs. i am so tired of people not willing to make choice on anything.

i dont think i will be very useful today for much of anything. when i dont get enough rest i am in alot of pain and short tempered. so will have to be careful on what i say and try and keep a calm face and voice around everyone. i also need a shower but right now too tired to care. when do i shower after work tonight , or this afternoon when i still have to go back to work? i dont know. i would like to spend a few hours today making a card or two, but will probly end up doing housework or making dinner. time to get ready for work...will be back later.

so now its monday. i still dont know what to do about lunch. i will be at the retirement home for 9 hours. i need lunch. so will have to find a place to hide and eat and make sure no one finds me while i am eating. i am very very tired and in alot of pain due to a lack of rest. will need extra pain meds today. i have 8 showers to do and i will be very warm as well and no escape from the heat.

i am hoping to finish this post later on depending on my energy levels of course. i have no desire to do much of anything when i am like this. i force myself to do chores and look after the creatures. i would love to spend days just resting i feel like crap and can barely move right now.

i have no idea what to make for dinner right now and frankly i dont care. all i want to do is go back to bed and sleep for about 10 more hours. i am at the point now where i dont care if i call in to work and say i cant come in. i am just a number and there is always someone out there willing to take the shit they dish out. i am just tired of the shit.

brent is getting worse i think. he has started to hide the pain. all he wants to do is sleep and his breathing is bad. i told him i would take him to emerg, he said no. so not sure what to do now. until he talks to the dr. he has no real idea what is going on. he thinks he might be dying and only have months to live now. i think he might be a little dramatic but who knows. men dont do well when they are sick that is for sure.

time to finish getting ready for work...be back much later.

i am finally home now. i did some grocery shopping after work. i didnt want to but it had to be done. its getting to the point where i am going every 2 weeks now. i spend less this way too.

the mood in the house tonight is very subdued. both of us are in alot of pain and very tired. i will be in bed early. i still have to feed the birds and rabbit then shower and bed.

i think brent is finally understanding what cronic pain really is. i think maybe he finally understanding what i deal with every day all day. i go to work with this pain and have to do chores with this pain. i have to keep going weather i want to or not.

i am going to stop here and post this. i need to start chores and finish putting some things away. see you all soon...

so its my day off. tomorrow starts my 6 day stretch. not sure how i will be on monday being as i will be extremely sleep deprived. i have to try and phone the dr again today. and brent is waiting for his dr to call back, he needs to go in and have a stent put in near his kidney and a biopsy on lymph nodes near his kidney. he is still in alot of pain so there for sleeping alot. wish i could sleep as much as he does. i would never get anything done. we wont know anything about what is going on with him probably until after xmas. i will probably be taking time to drive him around to appts and such. see what happens.

i have been waiting for the office to grant me an appt to discuss my split shifts coming up on the weekend. when i went in and talked to someone and explained about not getting enough sleep her eyes glazed over, and i dont think she gave a shit. i also explained that i cant do my job if i am so tired. all she said was send an email to supervisor. so i wait.

i am also waiting to hear from the office on what the rules are for my lunch at the retirement home. my lunch is at the same time as the residents. so i have been snacking or having a drink of water in the lounge. seems i am not supposed to do that. but the person who said i am not supposed to do that did not offer me any other place to eat. and i am not eating in the car this time of year. no dam way. so the manager sent the information to the office and now i have to wait for the office to send it to me. its like ffs just tell me so i know what the hell i am supposed to do. i asked the office for the info and got silence. typical.

today is chores and dinner. no idea what to make. i am tired of cooking all the time. ok i am tired of cooking. i am tired of trying to making something everyday. the endless days of cooking stretch out ahead of me like they will never end. day after day after day of cooking and dishes. some days i am not hungry and just want to go to bed. but i stay up and cook and hope i dont burn the house down. or at least burn dinner because i forget and get doing something else.

will try and finish this post today as i will be in and out all day.

back for a bit. got the aviary done, muffins made,hung up all the handknit socks, and had my shower. i am going to try and finish a couple of cards to get them in the mail. i try and get the cards out quickly...but life happens sometimes. i would rather send something nice then just ok. i got in touch with my drs office and have a phone appt for jan 2021. about a month from now. it almost mid afternoon and i am loosing the desire to do anything. i want to sleep. maybe later i will. i still need to talk to the tax office but i hate dealing with government and they put you on hold forever. i have better things to do with my time than wait on hold to be told its not the right dept. will check the mail after my show. maybe i will get some happy mail today. be back later

later...got 2 happy mail ,...ya me. i got one ready to go out...and i tried to draw a chicken....looks ok....but not what i was seeing in my minds eye. i cant draw very well....i love my carbon paper...i trace things alot. i made dinner and rice pudding. and did some dishes. i still have to put the muffins away and the extra rice. i made extra so i can make more rice pudding later on in the week.

seems just when i am getting in the groove of creating i have to make dinner, lunch or what ever. then i come back some hours later and the groove is gone. nothing i can do right now. i am thinking of taking over the dining table as my desk. i am getting really frustrated working on a tray table. my supplies are everywhere and i cant find half of what i want.

i am really trying to not scream at brent for taking over my desk. he does not think he will be working back in the office ever again. i wish i could work from home. this business of driving around in the winter in the dark creates huge anxiety for me. i am afraid of winter driving ever since my eye crapped out last winter. i dont like driving much now. i dont have to go far to work but its the idea of wondering around in the dark. my eyes still dont work well in the dark. speaking of dark time for bed...see you all tomorrow...

i am tired and cranky...so in other words ...normal for a working day. chores are done . i made dinner and dessert. pain levels are high and i am ready for bed. not sure how long this entry will be as my hands are sore too.

i went to the office today to get more gloves and gowns. i got 1 box of gloves and 3 gowns. not sure what i am supposed to do with that but i thought i would stock up while i had the chance. i also asked to see a supervisior in reguards to my split shifts of the weekend. i need to explain how getting 4 hours of sleep 3 nights in a row is not condusive to doing my job. so far i have not heard from the office about a time for a meeting. typical.

i also tried to phone the drs office. no one around to answer a phone. so will have to try again tomorrow. i need to ask for more pain meds as i am working longer hours.

one of my clients was mad with me this morning as i told her we had to hurry. she says i get this amount of time. i says yes , i spent most of it trying to get in your room and getting your breakfast tray. i says its your responsibility to make sure you are up and and the door is opened. she didnt like that. she didnt think it was her job to be up and such for me. and i am thinking thats why you had to rush this morning. sometimes no matter what people are never happy. so i carried on with my day. i also found out that the power will be out tomorrow for 2 hours during which time i am supposed to be doing 2 showers. so those are cancelled. one of those showers would have been cancelled anyhow. she has not even moved into the building yet.

i did some work on a few trading cards. had to do anything nice when you feel so tired. I WANT MY DESK BACK!!!!!! i hate trying to work like this.

i think i am done for the night...see you all tomorrow...

i really want to make some cards today. i wish i had my desk. this business of brent working from home really sucks. i want to do some painting and gluing but leaving them on the table means the cats might walk on them. i miss my desk and my office. i miss being able to be alone some place in the house and no one bother me. i know i know, be careful what you wish for. i just want to be able to find my stuff again and not be in a big pile because brent does not like it on the kitchen table. well i have no other place to work, he has my office and the sun room is too cold now. i have alot of things in the house because it freezes in the sunroom, like my glues and tapes and stickers etc.

i have to leave soon i am getting a covid test. i will be getting one of those every 2 weeks for the foreseeable future. just one more thing i have to do. the test wont take long i am doing the drive through one.

later. well that was fun...not. my nose hurt for about 10 min after but not as much pain as i thought it would be. so in a few days i should know. i have to go online to get results. then i have to get hard copy for both work and the retirement home i work in.

i have spent most of the day gluing and preping some cards. i found the xmas stamp i bought. so i can use that on some of the cards. so for the rest of the week i will be doing some glueing and adding details. the fun part. i am trying to use up what i have. only thing i bought alot of lately is glue. i bought a roll of blue xmas paper to try and idea. it did not take long to work up. now maybe someone will want to trade for it. i worked with glitter today, so its all over again....sigh.

i made muffins today and they turned out really good, i had 2. i did some grocery shopping. got a few things. we didnt need much. i need to get some fruit from down stairs, to use in my lunch.

i didnt take any pain meds today. i am saving it for sat when i do split shift. i know i will be in alot of pain as i will be very tired. i am not sure what to do about monday again. by monday i will be very sleep deprived and in alot of pain so not in a good mood over all. i wish i could make the office understand this but its like they dont hear anything i say or they dont want to hear me.

i still have chores to do later and need a shower and get my uniforms ready for the week. so i will close here for now and see you all tomorrow.

i am not very good at reading the 'stats' page. i have no idea what it all means really. no idea if the numbers are good or bad or it really does not matter.

its been a busy day. i got the aviary done and dinner. i think that was a big acomplishment. i also got some current trades ready for the mail.

i got some die cuts in the mail today. they are not cutting very well. this is the first time i have had die cuts not perform the way they are supposed to. i have tried the tin foil thing not sure how much it helped.

pain level was med high today and acid reflux is high. i hope it will settle down before bed.

next day. well i didnt finish this post last night as brent and i had a fight. i really didnt want to debate the merrets of cageing a bird or not for brooding. seems the lady we sold the doves to wants babies. i explained that the birds need a safe secure private place to sit on eggs. no a wide open place where they will be disturbed all the time. she says she knows what she is doing. well if she did she would have babies. i have a crap load of babies because i give the birds the quiet and privacy they need.

i went to bed and left it at that. i was not going to deal with someone at 10pm for something like that. she wanted another bird. i think not.

so today i went and got my meds and some more spools of paper. didnt take me as long as i thought it would. so i was at work in good time. i even did a quick drive through and got some dinner. i got the rabbit cage cleaned . big job but needs to be done. brent says he would have done it if i told him to do it. i am thinking i should not have to tell you to clean cages, wash the back of dishes or wipe the toilet seat cause you peed on it. sigh. i got my uniforms ready for next week . pain levels high today so was careful about how i did things. i got everything in the mailbox. they will sit in the mailbox till monday but at least they are out the door. i have one more to get ready. that will take a bit longer as i am sending 4 cards.

geez i am getting bad at forgetting to post.

i heard the front door close and wondered what was up. brent went to the hospital , his kidney stone must be bad if he went to the hospital. so now i am up for the day. i have a covid test later and need to go buy some cat food etc.

will post now...sigh

it will take the day to write this post. my mind wonders alot lately. i loose track of what i wanted to write. its wed and its stupid oclock again. i was in bed very early last night just to try and get enough sleep to be able to work today. i got 2 cards ready for the mail today. i found an old box of xmas cards i will be using until they are gone. good time to find them. i am not sure how many cards i send out on average but the theme of the cards fit the month of dec. i need to find a container to put all the extras in that i get in the mail from others. so far i have left them in the envelopes until i decide what to do. i want to make sure the pieces dont get ruined before i can use them. i am still working on a new card with a crochet star. i was chatting with another card maker yesterday and she gave me some ideas on how to finish the card. so will try and do that when i get back home. i am still up in the air about the star being removable or just glue it on. i would like it to be an ornament but its only 1.5 in, so kinda small and may get lost on a tree.

we wont be putting up a tree this year as i am working as usual , xmas eve, xmas day, boxing day. no point really as i am going to be gone. we are not doing the big dinner either. lots of work for just us, and neither one of us wants extra clean up .

brents meds are finally starting to work. he got some acid reflux meds, and he has stopped coughing all night. i told him thats what he needed but of course he didnt want to believe me. i had the exact same thing happen to me for over a year before the dr told me what was wrong. but it took several dr visits and several drs before they could figure it out. i never miss my med doses on that. i dont need anyone thinking i am sick right now because my acid reflux is acting up.

time to finish getting ready for work....be back later.

its almost time for bed now. i am very tired and it has been a long day. i waited too long to take my meds so now i am coughing. acid reflux causes this. i will be waiting about an hour before this will settle down again. so i will crochet a couple more stars for the cards.

work was very long. i dont think i like my job anymore. i am so tired of having to work with people who think the world revolves around them. it doesnt. if i didnt need to pay bills i would have quit today. but i didnt, i just kept on going one client at a time. i am going to have to talk to the dr about getting more pain pills. being as i work nights i need some for the nights and not just the day . i take 2 in the morning and by lunch they are mostly gone. and that is all i get.

i am going to call it a night and work on another star and then bed.see you all tomorrow

its monday and i am usually working. i took a mental and physical health day. i knew i could not do my job being so sleep deprived. i slept 10 hours last night. i knew i needed to rest. i am glad i took the day. i paid some bills and did some shopping. was only out a couple of hours. the rain has turned to snow and i dont have to go back out.

pain levels are med to high today. i can sort of walk around so comparing to yesterday i am doing ok. i still have a few chores to do and dinner to make, left overs i think. but i am still going to rest when i can and try and keep the pain down.

i am trying to get things ready to send out another card. i updated my online album last night as i was finally able to post. someone wants to trade but so far has not sent any photos of cards to choose from. i still think most men are stupid no matter what facebook thinks.

its late now and time for me to get ready for bed. i have to be up early again. i made a crochet star to put on a trading card. not sure yet how i want to display it, if i want to hang it or stick it on or for it to be used as an ornament. will play around with it and see what happens. will think on it more when i am at work. my mind gets bored at times. i sketch ideas in my note pad too.

time to go...see you all tomorrow....

its late sat and i am ready for bed. late being 520 pm. i got 4 hours sleep last night and i have to go back to work shortly. i am tired and cranky and have no patience for anything or anyone. its gonna be a long night. i am having a last cup of tea before heading out. i am even too tired to have a shower, which means i get undressed, shower and get redressed and go back to work. too much energy for me right now.

i cant post on facebook right now. apparently you cant call men stupid. i got banned from posting for 3 days. oh well. i am too tired to care right now. so will save posting any new cards until tuesday. i have a couple ready. i have a special order almost ready to go out . i got stamps today too. i needed some as i was almost out of everything. i have to make a postcard to send to the UK. i enjoy making those and try and be unique about the cards i make. not sure what i will send back yet but i was thinking xmas. that time of year and all.

speaking of xmas we wont be doing anything. i am working xmas day so not bothering with tree or dinner etc. brent might make something or we might just have frozen pizza. wont be seeing the kids anyhow. so no big deal about me working. extra pay is the only bonus. i am sure i will get some snide remark about me working on a holiday. i guess these people dont think about who is going to work on the holidays. i work every holiday. i have no life. the only friends i have are on paper through the mail half way around the world.

its sunday now. stupid oclock in the morning. i didnt have the energy to finish this last night. i am still tired and still cranky. brent is coughing all night. every time he lays down he starts coughing. exact same thing was going on with me and i was told it was acid reflux. i told him to make an appt with a dr. no no i am ok i dont need to. so now he is coughing so much he has hurt some muscles in his back. now i have to deal with a winey man. sigh. like i need this crap too. pain levels are high this morning due to a lack of proper rest for me. i need more than 4 to 5 hours a night. that is all i get when i work split shift. i am off tomorrow. i need the rest. i cant function so sleep deprived. yesterday morning i felt like a zombie. how can i do a good job when i cant even think right? i didnt even have a quick nap yesterday afternoon as brent was sleeping and i didnt want to miss the time for going back to work. it was really hard staying awake.

brent wanted to go out for lunch today. but based on what i saw this morning, he was sleeping in his chair, i dont think we will be. just as well i need to rest for going back to work.

brent went to the hospital this morning. seems he has kidney stones again. granted they are painful, but why are men such wussies when it comes to being in pain. meanwhile women are expected to suck it up and move on. we go to the dr in pain and dr says nothing is wrong, meanwhile we could be dying of something. so now he is back sleeping in his chair and i have to go back to work with no pain meds to keep me going. they have long since worn off. i am hoping to make it to the end and not pass out or throw up, like i almost did this morning. i still have birds to feed and cat boxes to clean.

i am going to post this now...see you all tomorrow....

my day off today. i did manage to sleep in but i dont think i will ever feel rested again. this fibro thing sucks. i slept most of the night and only got up once to go to the bathroom.

i have things to get done today, chores of course and i wanted to make some muffins. also need to figure out whats for dinner. its hard when you have no desire to eat at all. i think i have lost some weight on the lower part of my legs. my socks fit differently lately. my uniforms are feeling bigger too. i might need a new winter coat, its feeling bigger too. cant keep me warm if its too big and the wind just blows up the bottom of it.

i need to get some stamps tomorrow. i am almost out of them. i send most of my trading cards to the US. i want to try and get another card or two done today. there is some painting that i want to do but like always it takes time to dry before i can do anything else. its a long process for me to make cards. i dont want them to look cheap or sloppy. i want people to like them for a long time. its hard when you are not sure what people might like to trade for.

time to empty the dryer, and fill the washer. i try and make sure i put in a full load into the washer to not waste the time and effort into doing the laundry.

later....aviary done. 1st load of laundry done. and 2nd in machine. 2 cards are drying and thinking about what to have for lunch.

floors are washed and laundry is done. i am ready for bed. the day went by so fast.

i am going to call it a day...see you all tomorrow.

its wed and stupid oclock. and of course its snowing. so that means i leave the house sooner. the last few days with how tired i have been and in so much pain i have not had the energy to do anything. barely make it to bed. i get to bed and i dont remember much after that. this weekend i am working which means i wont get enough sleep. i will be sleep deprived for an entire week or more. which means my pain levels go up because i dont get enough sleep.

brent wants dinner tonight and he wanted me to go to the grocery store to buy him pop. i says i just bought you some on sat. i was not planning on going again this week. drink water.

i traded a card yesterday but dont have the energy to make another right now. if i was to try and make something right now it would look like crap. i dont want to send out art work that is not my best. so i am not trying very hard to trade right now. as much as i like doing it making new cards takes alot of effort and energy which i dont have much of after work.

much later after work....this morning was not a great start at 430. one of the cats puked on the table . so i was taking the table cloth off and washing down the table while still half asleep. not the greatest start to the day. i also think they where chasing a mouse. where it got to i have no idea.

work was long and hot. i didnt wear the gowns. i was afraid of fainting. i get so hot and the clients keep their rooms too hot and i feel like i am gonna pass out. so i didnt wear the gown. i did put on the mask and gloves. its my weekend to work, so its going to be a long week coming up.

i feel like death warmed over and brent wants dinner. i can make dinner and do chores and and and. while he does one thing at a time and he thinks he has done something great. sigh. i feel all empty inside like i have been all used up. i have nothing left to give, i give it all at work. i put on a pretend smile and pretend i am ok. its so exhausting doing that.

i have chores to get done today as well as dinner. once my show is over i will have to start. all i want to do is sleep right now. i would love to have my office back so i can make cards and brent not say something about all my supplies and tools around my chair. i was working in the sunroom but its too cold in there now. so i am inside for the winter. i brought in all the plants. least i remembered those. last winter i forgot about the plants until it was too late. they all froze.

i dont have any friends to speak of anymore. i often wonder why that does not bother me more. i have been hurt one too many times i guess to care. i have a pen pal and we chat by mail and i am ok with that. i send out trading cards and i am ok with that. no face to face needed and no fake smiles needed. as an empath i am happy to be alone most of the day. i spent so much time alone when my ex was gone a major part of the year. i kept myself busy with things around the house, and later on the kids. sometimes i really miss my alone time. i never get that now with brent working from home. he never goes out.

much later. dinner is made and tea is on. i eat before brent. he will have his dinner in about an hour. then i can relax and maybe paint and not fall asleep. i am tired but not as bad as yesterday. i got about 9 hours of sleep last night so did pretty good. i get to sleep in tomorrow but i bet i will be wide awake at 430am.

as christmas gets closer i get even more sad as i know i wont get to see the grandkids. i have not talked to them in months. i miss them so much. i wonder if them miss me?

i am going to feed the rabbit and make my tea. see you all tomorrow...