katelovesorange

so now the waiting has begun...for test results and healing. the dr says maybe a week for results. and for brent to heal from his biopsy, longer if he does not stay in bed. he slept most of yesterday when we got home. so i have a feeling he was up most of the night. i crashed when i finally got to bed. i slept a good 8 hours i was so tired. i managed to sleep in a bit this morning.

i have lots to do today. i have to go to the bank as its end of the month. i need to pick up meds. and a few things at the grocery store. he has been eating alot of eggs so i need more of those, and cat food etc.

i have been trying to keep sane by doing some art when i can. i have made a few new cards and hope to have some pictures of them done soon. thats the hard part for me. i am not good at pictures so i get brent to do it. maybe i will give him something to do later , take the pictures for me.

much later....i got the banking done and went to get my meds. i almost didnt come home right away...i just wanted some peace and quiet, alone time without someone wanting something. i made him lunch and dinner. he never knows what he wants so from now on i will just make him something and he can eat it or not. i am tired of cooking all night. i am just plain tired.

he keeps saying how sorry he is for being such a pain in the ass, but why dont you try not being such a pain instead. just say yes i will eat what ever you bring me. yes i will take a cup of tea, yes i will take what ever and stop complaining ffs. i certainly never got waited on hand and foot when i was blind. i had to fed for myself wheather i liked it or not. i had to learn how.

i hurt all over and i can only hope i get a good sleep tonight because i have to be back to work tomorrow. and thats going to be a long day. i will have to make sure he has food before i go and remember to call home when i can. i am trying really really hard to not get angry at this man child but its best if i just walk away sometimes.

yesterday was my oldest sons birthday. he turned 36. i sent him a message on FB and wished him a happy birthday. i hope he had a good day. i sure miss talking to my kids and grandkids. i wonder how they are everyday. i wonder if i will hear from them on my birthday.

why is it men just never understand that we get tired too. we get frustrated looking after them all the dam time. trying to make them happy and what ever i do is not right. i can see why women never want to marry again...ever.

i am going to close here tonight as i am tired...and need my pain meds.

i kept trying to start an entry yesterday but was crazy busy. i am paying for it today. between work and home and brent i am sore all over.

it snowed again yesterday so i shoveled to make sure the sidewalk was clear for him to go to the hospital this morning. i thought i did a pretty good job considering how weak i am at times. well brent gave me shit for shoveling. i says it had to be done for my safety on the stairs and the walkway. he wanted to arrange for someone to do it. well until that happens i will do what i can. i also shoveled the driveway the best i could. the neighbour from accross the way came over to help with his snow blower. i was so grateful i started to cry. i am so glad he didnt see that. but i did have a good cry when i came in.

we are back from the hospital now. i made brent some lunch and now he is napping in his chair. the dr said he would phone later with what he saw on the scope.

today is also my sons 36th birthday. i sent him a happy birthday message. this time last year i was trying to save the sight in my right eye. i hope he has a good day. i miss my kids and grand kids so much. i hope they had a better christmas than we did.

the dr just called and gave us a brief outline of things to come. we wait for test results and that could take a week. he will go for cancer treatment 1.5 hours away. so until we know more from the biopsy tomorrow and test results will determine what will happen next. we will also find out how far the cancer has spread.

so then i thought i would spend a half hour doing some finishing on some cards....brent sends an email saying he wants a monti cristo sandwich for dinner...and i am thinking wtf. like i want to be cooking all dam night. he has to be back at the hospital for 7 and i need some sleep. sigh. he got his sandwich. and i still have birds to feed.

i am going to post this for now...as i am too tired to type any more.

sat and what else is there to say. i have been to work and to the store to get more broth and juice. i came home and got yelled at for shoveling to get up to the house. seems someone is coming by to snowblow. i am not going to hold my breath. people say one thing and do another. we shall see.

i am having a tea before i do anything else. everything hurts right now. will take some pain meds later. had to clean up cat barf, so will have to wash the floor again, and brent wonders why i keep the bucket full. seems i am always washing the floor. i have to feed and water the birds before i go back to work. i was hoping to spend a bit of time doing some art. but i doubt it now. i am running up and down the stairs getting things for brent. i just wish i knew what was going to happen in the long run of things. right now i wish i had a bottomless bucket of money so i could stay home and look after him and my good energy could be used for him. i am so tired of giving to people who cant understand how much this job costs people like me.

i have to go back to work tonight, so its going to be a very long day. i work the same tomorrow.

sunday morning...stupid o clock. another long day ahead. brent got one of his friends to come and snow blow yesterday. it was a BIG help so i didnt spend hours shoveling. the couple spent a couple of hours here yesterday. she kept me company and did some knitting. it was nice to have someone to sit and chat with. i worked on some ATC.

brent is awake but sitting up in bed. i am barely awake trying to type.

later now. being as i am doing a split shift today its almost time for me to go back. i have been trying to keep brent with fluids today. he is finding it hard. he keeps saying he is hungry. he is sleeping alot which helps to make the day pass.

i have been trying to do some chores but i am so tired that i feel like a zoombie. its going to be worse tomorrow. i will have to be careful walking as i get wobbly when i am really tired.

i am not hungry because of the pain and being so tired. i have a cup of tea right now and i will post this before leaving for work.

i managed to spend a bit of time doing some art. got some gluing and painting done. so i will have some cards ready for the week. i had posted one card a couple of days ago. someone was interested in trading but didnt message me with her available cards. so i guess she changed her mind. i want to mail out the ornaments to the person so sent me such a beautiful card. i showed it to brent and he was impressed with it too.

its almost dark now. i dont want to go back out but no choice right now. no idea if i will ever get the meeting with my supervisor to fix these hours. some days i wonder if they hate me so much they are trying to make me quit.

i am going to post this before i forget....see you soon

its christmas morning and i am up too early. i am still tired and have a very long day ahead of me. i start work at 1. brent is up too trying to figure out all his meds. i think he has 10. i charted it for him, so when he takes something to mark it on the chart. we where lucky to find a pharmacy open last night, christmas eve and all. i thanked the pharmasist for working last night. i am sure she would have rather been home too. i went to bed last night before brent. i didnt even hear him come to bed, but i heard him grunting in pain later. i decided to get up hoping to have a hour of quiet time with my tea. i got my tea but its not so quiet with the whole house up now. and of course now that the table is cleaned off and a new table cloth is on, the cat barfed on it...of course. thats why i give up on keeping the table cleared off.

brent really liked his dinner last night, and he really loved his pie. we ate dinner at the hospital waiting for the dr to let him go home. i will have make him up a plate before i go to work. i have to feed everyone and clean litter boxes to. the last place i want to be is at work. i am needed here to take care of brent. and on top of all that there is a snow storm going on. i hate winter. its the most dangerous time of year. i found some juice and broth for brent to start his cleanse tomorrow. he wont be eating for 3 days. he is going to be some cranky. i really dont want to be around him because he will be so miserable. i will have to get more juice and broth tomorrow when the stores are open again.

i am not even sure i will have client this afternoon as no one as cancelled. i dont know if they will be even in the building or out someplace. i will come home and check on brent at dinner as i will have about 1.5 hours and then go back to work. i am hoping the snow will stop soon. i still have garbage to put out later too.

home now. and i have alot of snow to shovel tomorrow after work. its been snowing off and on all day. just one more thing i have to do. just add it to the list.

i was thinking of all the xmas stuff we have i have bins of it. and i may never use it again. brent love to decorate the tree. i would put the ornaments out and he spent hours getting it just right. he was always so proud of the tree. i would decorate the other areas of the house. i love putting all the colour out and seeing how pretty it all looks. sadly now it just sits in the basement for yet another year.

i cried at work thinking this may be brents last xmas and i had to spend it fucking working. some days i really hate my job. i hate the office and i hate the people i have to deal with. some days i want to die too.

i am going to close here for now and go to bed.... i am very tired

as this season decends into maximum crappiness i am left wondering who i pissed off in a past life. what did i do to deserve this i have no idea.

brent was told he might need oxygen when and if he comes home. he wont be coming home today. the people with the oxygen need to do an assesment first and set up the equipment as well and show him how to use it. brent said to me today that if he is too far gone and treatment wont help he will then go to hospice and die. i can understand his point. he does not want to suffer any longer than he has too. i wouldnt either. so now i am faced with the upcoming death of a spouse . i am not sleeping, or getting very little sleep. the house is quiet and lonely. i like being alone. having someone around all the time because you are working from home and then nothing tends to leave a gap in ones day. i am not eating much, mainly because i am not hungry. i have to though with the meds i am on.

so i will be bring him some dinner tonight. i got most of it ready. i got the table cleared off and nice dishes out. i made his pie. i ironed my shirts and cleaned the aviary.

i have to work tomorrow 1-9 so not sure if i will have a chance to see brent during the day. visiting hours are 11-1 and 5 – 8 due to covid they are shorter. so i think i might take time at dinner and go up anyhow and just be late coming back. dont think anyone will care.

break time is over i better finish things and get ready to go to hospital soon.

back from the hospital now ...brent is home for how. he has to go back on tues for a colon exam. and then on wed for his biopsy. so its going to be a long week being as i am also working on the weekend as well.

i am not sure where we go from here so it will be one day at a time....

well its crappier still. brent will be in the hospital until maybe the weekend. he is pooping blood. not a good sign on any front. so we are waiting until someone says what is what. wish they would just do the biopsy so we would know where to go from here. i am tired of waiting.

i emailed work and said i had been waiting for a meeting with my supervisor for 2 weeks. she comes back and says sorry i am leaving early today i am off for xmas. i wrote back and says must be nice to be off. i have been working every dam xmas for the last 9 years. and i wanted the meeting to talk about my hours and lack of sleep. i dont expect a reply. i also went to the office to get some PPE. i need at least 50 gowns a week, i got 16. no idea what i am supposed to do with that. last time i went to the office i got 3.

all i want to do is lay down and sleep. i am so tired. i still have chores to do and then go up to the hospital. i need change to pay for parking.

later...home now from hospital. brent still thinks he is coming home tomorrow. we shall see. i tried to get change for parking but the coffee shop does not make the sandwich i wanted. this whole day has been shitty. now my supervisor wants me to figure out what to do about the split shifts. its like hell you want me to do your job...ffs i could probly do it better than you.

so now i am hungry and too tired to eat. i dont know what i want to eat anyhow. maybe some cheese and crackers. i got some happy mail today. its the first time in a blind exchange i really dont like the cards. now i dont know what to do with them. do i keep them or pass them on to someone who might like them more than i ever will. i am sure they are to someones taste , just not mine. i dont want to ask on the group page and then the person gets insulted.

i am tired and going to post this now...so i dont forget. see you all soon.

well things have gone from crappy to really crappy.....brent is in the hospital. he took a cab on sunday night and thought he would be home in a couple of hours. he was admitted. they have done blood work and scans and what ever else. we know now he does not have a clot on his lung. good news. bad news what ever he is dealing with is due to his suspected cancer in his lymph nodes. he says he will be home in a couple of days. i am not so sure. but we shall see. his breathing is still bad. he is on oxygen and a bunch of IV stuff.

christmas sucks. i just want it over with. people keep asking me if i am ready. i say i am not doing xmas cause i have to work , they dont know what to say after that and stop asking me. i am so sad and depressed i just dont care anymore about anything. i am only moving forward because i have creatures to care for. right now i am preparing to live alone again. i dont know what my future holds but right now life just sucks.

i wish i could take a leave of absence from work. i need the rest to care for brent and do the extra work around the house. but the bills have to be paid somehow. maybe its good i am being forced to leave the house. but i am sure my clients are wondering what is wrong with me. i am not talking, or speaking only when i need too. i dont want to talk at all to anyone.

the house is too quiet and bed too empty and i am too alone too much. its starting to hit me as i randomly cry. the grieving over things remembered and things not done and dreams not met.

the dark covers my crying in the morning as i go to work. it does not cover the hurt and lonliness. when you begin to love someone you take that chance. when you love someone late in life its even a bigger chance and health issues come faster.

back from work now. i talked to brent a few times and the dr has not made rounds yet. so we have no idea what is going on today. work was rough and i am glad to be home. i stopped and got some stamps and will have a card to mail out later.

i started up the crockpot making pineapple chicken. it will be ready for tomorrow. i will have rice and stirfry veg with it. i dont know if brent will be home any time soon if at all.

i am going to try and get floors washed and dishes done before i go see him tonight. i think i have enough change for parking. so far no updates from the dr. would be nice to know what is going on.

i got lots of mail yesterday, 7 happy mail. 1 card was breathtakenly beautiful. i have to send something back as the card i send is no where near worth the trade. mine looks so cheap compared to hers. i am going to find some ornaments to send to her. i know they wont arrive in time for xmas, but maybe for next year she can use them.

i think working on my art is what is keeping me from falling apart right now. something to micro focus on for abit and keep out the real world for a few minutes.

i am going to post this before i go...so i wont forget.

i wonder if caregiver resentment comes so early in the process. not only do i have my chores to do but now his as well. for example he wants to teach me how to use the snowblower. i would rather pay a kid to shovel the walk and driveway. i will also have to start putting out the garbage and mowing the lawn as well as probly tending the gardens which i am not very good at.

later...just got back in from checking the snow behind the car, the plow went by, but no sander. i shoveled a bit on the stairs and sidewalk and behind the car.

i am so tired. feels like i have been running all day. i made muffins, and got the chicken ready for dinner on thurs. this may be brents last xmas so i wanted to make a nice dinner. so i even started to clear off the table to be able to eat at. i want to put a table cloth on too and use the nice dishes. i need to make a pumpkin pie. that is brents favorite. i have lots of canned pumpkin to use up. i will also do a small pickle tray and maybe a few nibbles. its my day off but he works. i work xmas day , boxing day . i also took the day off for his surgery on the 30th. he needs someone to drive him there and pick him up. i dont think i can stay but will ask anyway. cant hurt to ask.

i did some dishes and there is still more but my back is really hurting today. i know i will be paying for it tomorrow for the shoveling, my shoulder hurts already. will take some asprin before i go to bed.

managed to brush the rabbit for a bit. he is not fond of the brush as it goes deep into his fur. but i got lots out for now. he looks a bit better.

managed to spead a bit of time preparing some backrounds for cards. got one card finished with one of the flowers i have been making. i crocheted a stem and leaf for it as well. i think it turned out pretty good. i am using what i have around the house right now. i also started a snowman card and another butterfly card. i am doing 3 of each. the trades will slow down as xmas gets here and maybe pick up after the new year.

time for a shower and get my uniform ready for tomorrow. i am not sure i should go to work. brent has been so weak all day. i worry when i am not home. i phone when i can but still not the same as being home.

see you all soon.....

dec 17 as i lay in bed last night i think i am sick too, i will need care , but who will be there for me no one. i am once again alone. my fibro will get worse, i will need to get a walker or wheelchair, i will need help to shower or to dress or both. but i will be alone dealing with all of this. will i need to sell the house soon? i will need to get rid of stuff. i have been donating alot of things. but it will need to be more. as i will be moving my things , alone. my kids still are not talking to me. they have not blocked me on facebook but still no response on messages.

its my day off and i am wondering what my life will look like a year from now. how can i keep working when i can barely think straight most days.

next day. dec 18

well i found out that brent has basicly givin up. he said he would refuse treatment. so what ever happens in the next few months will be my life for now. he does not want a notice in the paper, funeral, or burial, i am to cremate him and do whatever i want with the ashes. i still think i should call his mother. i probly will. there is no one else really to call. his family does not call us. as my family does not call me or email me.

i am working tonight so will try and finish this post as i dont think i will have the energy to do it later. pain level is high this morning so i will be tired very fast. the requirements of looking after brent will take a toll on me. i know this . i know i will need help if i cant take the time off i will need to look after him.

i still have some chores i need to get done this morning before i go to work. so i have a busy day ahead of me. i have to remember to bring some pain meds with me today. i still dont know where i can eat my lunch at work. no one has offered any ideas on this. i am not even granted the dignity of eating lunch and not feeling guilty about it because i need to remove my mask.

i traded some of my cards yesterday as i was home to scroll through the feeds. so will work on getting those out soon. it will be the last of the old xmas cards i found in my office going out. i found some sparkle crochet cotton so made some sparkle stars to put in the cards too. i will also work on some remakes this weekend too. will need to clear some space on the table for things to dry. i will need to cut some new blanks as well. it has amazed me how many i have made and mailed out. i have been looking for another one of my alphabets to resize at the copier. the letters are bigger and need to be smaller to fit onto the cards. i have also been looking for a new ornament i can crochet for next year. something small and uncomplicated that i can work on at work inbetween clients. sometimes i have 2 hours to kill. so i like to make it productive. i have made alot of the crochet stars , they are only about 1.5 inches big. i wonder what i can do with them now. i have been looking at ideas for a snowman or angel. nothing really catches my eye right now. maybe a different star. i still need to finish the postcard to the UK as well. i want to use some lined paper for the back but dont want it to look cheap. this art work has helped to keep my mind off whats going on with brent.

well my pain meds are starting to kick in so its time to get moving on chores. will post this and see you all soon.....

its stupid oclock. i am sort of awake and its dam cold out. the furnace has not shut off in a long time. will be leaving it on for the day as its very cold out this morning. i got an ok sleep but i am still in alot of pain from working 6 days in a row , 3 of which i worked sleep deprived. cleaning up cat barf is not my idea of fun at 430am. but when you have creatures you do what you must. make sure they are clean and fed and watered.

i have to work today but at least i have tomorrow off. being as i did shopping on tuesday i wont have to go tomorrow. i will try and get some chores done early today as i know i will be tired by the end of the work day.

i finished a card last night to give with out a trade. RAK , random act of kindness. this lady sent me alot of extras and really made the effort to admire my work and said how much she would love something done on one of the extra back rounds. she likes bugs so i stitched a bug for her on one of the cards she sent. i put a back on it and will hopfully get it in the mail tomorrow.

time to get ready for work....be back later.

brent had a drs appt this morning. the dr basicly said he has cancer. they are going to do a biopsy in 2 weeks. seems far away but nothing we can do. he is very scared. i dont blame him i was scared when i lost my vision. i knew i would not die however. he is preparing for end of life. i dont know what to think. i am still trying to figure out what else the dr might have said. not sure if i will ever find that out. brent thinks he does not need anyone to look after him now. well he is wrong about that one. the job will fall to me.

i may seem cold about this but i am not. i see so much illness everyday i have learned to distance myself from it. i have to .so this illness will be very personal. i dont know if he will be able to get better or not. if this will be our last christmas. which makes me even more sad as we decided not to put up at tree because i am working and we would not see the kids anyhow. i would have loved to at least make this xmas nice for him. i am not sure how i will be able to cope with work and trying to get through the day. i know this will seem cold but i wonder how i will pay the bills when brent can no longer work. how will i survive? i know i am not the first person to loose a husband but its the first time for me. from now on i am basicly on my own again. he does not want me to call his mother or brother. i want to do what he wants but i think his mother should know when he dies. he does not want a funeral , nothing in the paper, not even sure if he wants to be buried. guess i should ask him that.

i am very tired and sad , i am going to close here for now.