katelovesorange

so now brent has to work in the bedroom. seems the wireless signal is not strong enough for him to work downstairs. so it means that when i work in my office i will have to close the door if i have a radio on or no radio and door open.

guess i will need a radio in my office too. i like to listen to music when i am working. will need a clock in my office too. i like to keep track of the time so i know when to start dinner etc.

brent says i do too much round the house. probly true. but when he cleans up he just tosses it all out. and most of it is my stuff. so i have to do it whether i want to or not which i am doing. but with everything still being closed. i have only so much room to store boxes. but the point being is i am getting rid of things.

my ex used to complain about my stash of yarn , and books, etc. only thing he ever collected what booze bottles. i guess i am tired of being hassled about my things.

i have a few collections. teacups being the biggest. i change out the display of 12 every 2 or 3 weeks. and i enjoy looking at my cups. i am more choosy about what i buy now. do i really like it, is the price right . there are have been many cups i have passed up because for one reason or another i didnt want it. i stopped buying for a very long time when i was living with my ex. all he did was complain about how many i had and i had enough of them. so i just stopped.

i stopped doing alot of things when i was with my ex. i stopped going to a group hobby i really liked. i stopped seeing friends. i stopped buying art supplies. i stopped buying books. i did this so he would not yell at me. but instead i stopped being who i was.....

and the world goes on. no matter what people want or not its never right for some. i am willing to stay home and help to keep others from getting sick including me. with my compromised immune system i am now worried about things like this covid 19. will we ever be safe again...who knows.

we have to get quotes now for how much it will cost to redo the retaining wall. the neighbour is taking us to court over 1.5 inches on his side of the line. so we are trying to get the lawyer to have it tossed as its a trivial use of the courts time which it is. so when the courts open up again we shall see what happens. i hope they nail his ass to the wall for being so stupid.

i am still knitting socks..not sure how much yarn i have left , will have to count how many skeins i have left. i started another sock today. once i finish with all my sock yarn i figure i will have enough socks to last a long time. i got into knitting socks because it is a good take along project . i can tuck it into my bag when i go out for the day. so when i have to wait some place i can knit a few rows. being as i dont have a cell phone it really helps to pass the time and i get a sock out of it.

so today brent asked if i wanted to go to the east coast. and i am thinking where in the world did that come from. we never talked about going to the east coast. what i would love to do is take the train through the rockies....maybe some day after this is over. anyhow i asked how long would we be gone for and how much money would we need. neither question he could answer. i used to want to travel before i got sick and the idea of travel is scary. i wanted to see anything and everything, but not so much now. maybe a day trip here or there or a weekend but days and weeks on the road...not so sure anymore.

brent thinks i should also work from home doing what he does. he does have a point. the money would be more reliable and i would not be driving around in the winter which i hate. it always stresses me out when we have a storm and i have to go out on the road before its even plowed. will think on it. the idea of working from home is nice but i think i might get too distracted with all my knitting and stuff around me.

i have not been to the craft store in so long. i am in need of a few things but if i order online its not a priority as its only craft stuff. i ordered things at the beginning of march before the lockdown...and most of it is still not here and probably never will be, 2.5 months later. so will just have to wait till the store opens and be happy with what i have for now....

not sure how i feel about brent working from home. today was first day. so i guess time will tell. he sure seems to like the commute....lol todays entry will be later than usual as my routine is out of order.

i actually got some time in on my art yesterday and finished another collage. i really enjoy working on them. forces me to think outside the box for ideas.

its supposed to start warming up today so maybe i will go out for a walk around the block. maybe i can finally wash and put away my winter coat.

i have been working on some more sorting today. have a donation box from the kitchen. more than i thought is leaving. good thing i guess. some say if you dont use it in 6 months toss it out, well somethings i only use once a year. such as anything to do with canning. somethings i use alot and some only once or twice , depending on what i am canning. i do a lot of canning. i am not sure what i will be like when the fruits and veg start coming into season. the first here is rubarb. not sure if the plant survived being moved last summer. the plant was huge but with the hassle the neighbour was giving us brent decided to move it to the backyard. the hassle with the neighbour is another long story. started with the wife getting a property line done between us. so she knows whats what kind of thing. and this is only after they complained about our chickens which they didnt even know we had for a year.

anyhow she posted on facebook that she would come and burn the platform if we didnt move it as it was on their side. we always thought it was ours based on the tree line. so now i am seeing someone as i am terrified to leave the house as i am afraid she will burn it down. and this has been going on for a year through the lawyer. the neighbour also wants the retaining wall removed entirely now and the steps going down into the back yard. brent says they are built on our side of the property line and the property stakes say it too. the neighbour is a nutbar and i wish he would just move away.

with the fibro i never know how the day will be. yesterday i felt sick ..today who knows. i certainly never expected this that is for sure. i never expected i would be in pain all the time.

i never thought my kids would stop talking to me either. some days i miss them...wonder if they miss me at all.

i wonder why we cant comment on the blog posts we see. i would like to comment on some.

my vision is kind fuzzy right now. not sure if its my eye or not. unless its an emergency i wont be seeing a dr. anytime soon. i have a cataract in my other eye that needs to be taken care of so i am not wanting to leave the house much.

usual chores today. laundry . dinner. etc. i am hoping to send some time on my art. maybe an hour or so. its snowing out so i wont be going for a walk. i hate winter in all forms.

i was thinking last night i will start a blog entry when i have something to say rather than waiting till i have time to write an entire entry. that way i will say all i want or need to say. they idea for this for me was to help stop all the racing in my mind when i go to bed. it has helped a bit.....

my cats have become velcro pets with me being home all the time. they follow me around like little kids...and like kids i cant pee alone. one of them is always sitting with me in my chair...i have 3 cats.

i am feeling sick today too. dont think this post will be long. nausea is a fibro thing and i tend to have it often now. so i will leave it here and wish everyone a good day.

another monday. well at least the weekend is over. today i have lots to do as well as the usual stuff. so will be busy . when i am sitting here and looking at a blank screen i have a hard time thinking of things to write , but when i am half asleep in bed my mind races with all the things i could write and then when i get up i forget it all.

my brain does not work as well as it used to. fibro affects your memory and there is something else that happens...brain fog. its when you get seem to get your brain to focus on anything and you cant remember anything. i have light moments like that but not whole days. i forget lots ...like what things i wanted to get done during the day. then i walk through the house at night and think oh yeh i wanted to do this or that. time to start a list for chores i think. i have a list for shopping that i manage to remember, thank goodness....

about a yr ago i bought some supplies to try quilling. i thought it would be something i could do based on how i was feeling. i got some practice pictures and paper from one company. but they didnt sell the tools. so i had to find someone else who did. finally after several tries i finally have it all together. so yesterday i sat down in my office and tried it. it was intimidating at first but got the hang of it. will have to get more coloured paper as you go through a lot and i didnt know that. will see if i can get some at staples or micheals when they reopen.

my kids did not call yesterday. i didnt have any hight expectations so no high disappointments. brent made dinner. which was nice but didnt want. told him not to do anything ....no flowers no presents no nothing. we didnt even do christmas last year. seems we are letting holidays pass with out much fanfare. when someone turns your life upside down you just dont want to do anything. i feel like i am sitting on a fence not knowing which side to fall on. this all started over a year ago and no one has told us what is going on.

i am tired and sad and i dont think anyone would notice if i died. maybe the cats....they would run out of food. but the few friends i thought i had dont talk to me anymore , no idea why. seems i work and work on things like the house and things to pass on to the grand kids but will they even get them. would my kids even care to pass them on from their grandmother. the sadness feels like a huge weight on me that i cant seem to lift. i sometimes feel like i did this to myself, with my choices and lack of understanding. but so far all my kids have done is ask for money and stuff and when i need something simple done like change a light fixture or some such thing all i get is i dont have time. well my time is getting shorter how much shorter i dont know. but what i do know is i dont want to be found 6 months later in my house when police have to break in to do a wellness check and find me dead some where. i am tired...oh so tired of trying to keep it together and pretending all is well , when with in me i am broken into a million little pieces and no idea where the glue is.....

well it sunday. its never been my favorite day of the week. when i was with my ex we always had a huge fight on sundays. and its mothers day...yippie. last yr i was lucky to get a message on facebook saying happy mothers day. no phone call. they do live in town. they would not be paying for long distance. so i move on. it just hurts that no effort was made. maybe they are still pissed that the bank of mom is still closed. who knows.

i try and hide on sundays. like i will do today. maybe in my office most of the day. but have chores to do like dinner and feeding the birds and i have to make some muffins later to. i am making only 6 at a time so they are fresh for a couple of days.

another cloudy windy day, so no work outside as its cold too . maybe next weekend rake the yard and fill some pots. i need to get some transplanting done. and a big pot from upstairs needs to come now. i think i killed my hybiscus. one of my favorite flowers. oh well. i can buy and plant another. maybe i watered it too much. but i seem to be good with cactus. i have some that are over 10 yrs old now. its a couple of the cactus that need to be put in new pots, some of the aloe vera. i cant do it yet as its too cold in the sun room for the plants to be moved.

its almost noon and no calls from the kids. but no surprise...i have not talked to them in over 6 months. guess they dont miss me. i have tried to message them but no reply. guess i am still in the dog house.

i am reading alot these days as the library is closed due to the pandemic. so i can get any new books on cd. i like listening to books as it lets me do other things and still get to enjoy a book.

i certainly never thought i would be so sick at this point in my life. i will be 59 in a couple of months and wonder what my health will look like at 69. will i need a walker will i need 24 hour care . will i even be alive......

so shopping is done. it was very quiet. but we try and get to the store really early. no lineups. but with everything being closed we could not stop for coffee...i was dying for a tea. so home we came. not much planned for the day. usual chores and such. see what happens pain wise. i dont have anything to eat or drink before i go out as there are no public bathrooms open right now. and i dont want to have to go and no place to go too. so its just as well we are not out long.

its snowy and cold here and had to wear mittens this morning. the weather channel says we are in a polar vortex. so we wont see any warm temps for at least a week . i never liked winter ever. even when i was growing up i never liked going out when it was cold. on the other hand my kids like it for the fishing. go figure. when i was too the point where i could decide what kind of coat i wanted for winter i said i wanted a mans coat. why says my mother. i says they are warmer and have tons of pockets. they are longer have hoods and usually a really good lining. so been doing that now for years. i get cold easy now. so a good warm coat is important. same with pants. cant find womans pants to fit me.

though i am not hungry i have to eat to be able to take my meds and not throw up. and i have learned to take them after i eat and not before. life is so hard sometimes. my memory is getting worse and sometimes i forget what i want from one room to the next. i ask brent to remind me i have laundry on the line so i dont leave it out over night. i bought a timer so i would not forget things in the oven. i have left the stove on and gone out too. that scared me the most.

i can still do alot of canning. but sooner or later it will slow down or stop. i do what i can when i can. last thing i canned was homemade beans...they turned out pretty good being as i had never made them before. if nothing else i know we will be ok if we dont go to the store for a few weeks. but the cats might revolt with no food....lol

i have always been able to pick up and do things with little or no instruction. i learn things from books mostly. but some things i need to be shown. i can do alot for example over my lifetime i have learned how to knit, crochet, embroider, quilt, paint, design greeting cards, canning, drying of food. its a lot. it is something i was hoping to pass on to my granddaughters. but with what is going on right now with my son i doubt it. maybe when they get older, and maybe have not forgotten me and if there is time i will teach them.

another day of cold and snow. another day of staying inside. heat is back on but will turn it of later . my right shoulder is killing me today. i am right handed so movement will be limited today. i have taken a pain pill but has not made much of a dent in it.

the aim today is to finish my art piece and do some dusting on the bookselves. see what happens. oh and make dinner. i got off easy yesterday on dinner as it was left over night so i made the fruit cake which turned out great. brent even took some for lunch. so dinner will be homemade pizza from scratch. will have to put the bread machine on at about 2.

tomorrow is shopping day so have to make out a list. only day i go out now to buy food. brent takes me as i cant drive yet...if ever again. i am finding i am ok with being home. as long as i have the supplies i need to work on various projects i am ok. with the development of online shopping it sure has changed how people live now.

when i was newly married to my ex we lived 2000 miles from family and friends. it was really hard on me. we had moved to an unknown part of the country and an unknown city. i was left alone to unpack the house and set things up. i had to learn to navigate the city on the bus as i didnt drive yet. i had no friends for years. so i took solace in my abilities to keep myself busy with my knitting and crocheting. i didnt make much at first as i didnt have alot of money. i could not get a job as it was the recession at the time. my ex was ever so happy i was home alone and away from family. he would stay at work and drink after he was done and then drive home. it was expected i would have dinner ready. but i never knew when he would be home, and at that point in my life i was not a very good cook. i would be home alone for weeks and months on end. going out only twice a month to pay bills and buy food. he never liked me having cats but gave in when i said i would not give them up. he allowed me to have 2. one of which i had before we met. he drank alot and often. i dont think the cats liked him very much if at all.

i believe what animals tell me about people . animals will never lie about who a person is. my doves like me but keep me at a distance somewhat as i am not with them all the time. they put up with the constant checking of condition and food and water etc. i have turned out to be a very good bird breeder . as i am fairly certain that the birds would not breed if they did not feel safe or happy. so once a week i have to collect up all the unwanted eggs. usually 12 to 14 eggs. if i sold some of my birds regularly then i would let the eggs hatch. but i only have so much room and doves live a long time , its easier to just collect the eggs then to figure out what to do with another new bird.

some would say why didnt you just leave. well i was 2000 miles from home with no money. pretty much says it all. so i just waited until the time was right and i could leave. that didnt happen until much later....about 20 years later.

my life experiences have shaped who i am today good or bad. i did they best i could with what i had.

well that was fun...not. i am from a time when things where not so complicated. i am still learning my way around this blog site. i find it hard to remember things as well..one of the fibro signs. there are over 200 signs of fibro. will have to count how many i have someday. but that might be too depressing...so maybe not.

i used to see a client with fibro and found that very depressing. thinking this is what my life might be like. i dont have control on how my fibro will progress or what it will do in my body. all i can do is keep going every day. and i am sure no one with an auto immune disease says yeh i really want this. fibro is hard on the body....but harder on the mind. with things that change from day to day..you never know what the next day will bring. i could have a good day where i can concentrate or a day where i am dizzy all day and i am afraid to stand up. i am alone most of the day. ok not really alone as i have 3 cats. but they are not going to be much help if i fall down. but they are good company. but they will be the last cats i will ever have. so once they are gone thats it. i will miss them for sure, but someday i will not be able to take care of them. and i dont expect others to care for my pets.

today it is snowing and cloudy and its may. guess its another stay inside and knit kinda day. once i use up all my sock yarn that will be it for socks. i want to work on my quilt and maybe finish the top at least and send it out to be quilted. its time to finish things left too long on the back burner. i have made 2 very large crochet blankets and working on a 3rd, all for the grandkids. will have to put name tags on them so they go to the right child .

i know i talk about the end a lot but with the amount of pain i have it sure feels that way. and yes i have pain meds. its just enough to dull it so i can at least do things during the day like get dressed and shower etc. i dont eat a lot as i always feel sick, another fibro sign. only good thing about that is i have lost some weight.

todays project will be to try and finish a sock and to make some fruit cake...i love it. and at this point i dont care if its only for xmas. will make things when i can for what ever reason. because i still can. have to feed the birds and sweep the steps still. will have to get brent to bring full laundry basket up when he comes home from work. yes my partner is out working. and if he brings home covid 19 to infect me then what? i could die...a possibility yes. my immune system is not the best as it stands now. so yes i could catch this very easily.

so break time. waiting for glue to dry on my art piece. time for tea and to check on the dried fruit for the fruit cake. will bake it up later on.

some say you develop fibro from abuse or an assault on the mind or body. some ladies i have talked to in the online facebook groups have been very helpful. no one knows why this happens. this could have started in grade school when i was being bullied,or when i got married at 21 and my ex drank and verbally abused me. i dont know. all i know is we have today only and we must live each day as full as we can....

Another day another day of chores. life is what it is today. today i must make more muffins and dinner , work on dishes, and if i am not too dizzy sweep the steps going upstairs. i miss work...but not the politics of the office. will see what happens if and when i go back. its too cold to hang out the laundry so all the socks are on the drying rack. why dont i put them in the dryer you ask. well they are handknit so no...they dont go in the dryer..they will shrink.

i am not sure how many pairs of socks i have knit since i have met brent. maybe i will count some day. but it amazes me when i hang out all the socks and i know i have knit everyone of them. i have been able to knit some socks since being home on med leave. holding the needles very close to my face i can more or less see. i save some time in the day to work on my art, only about an hour but its better than nothing. the light is good in my office at that time of day . with my vision the way it is good light is a bonus.

though i work on several projects at once, it keeps my mind active. solving the creative problems of how and finding what i need etc. i am also working on getting rid of stuff...hard for me as i love my books. but if i am not going to read them again why keep them i guess. and i dont want brent having to deal with all of my stuff when i die. so slowly bag by bag i am filling them up. only to leave them in the hallway to be donated when the pandemic is over.

while going through books and papers i found some old hand written journals. i wrote them so i could remember what my ex did to me. so i would not to want to ever go back. i am sure alot of people would not believe me when i tell them what was happening. so i write again so my kids may or may not read this so they may or may not understand what was happening to me when they where young. i have no words to try and explain how broken i am. how much fear was in my life. i can only try and move forward one step at a time and hope someday you might forgive me.

i have thought about leaving life behind and ending this. but in the end i couldnt. no matter how much i asked for help or explained that what i was going through was hurting me on the inside,,,,people would say you dont look abused.....