gratitude ... what am i grateful for? i am not sure anymore. between health issues and no family i often wonder. sure i could be grateful for the usual things, such as a home and food etc but really how can i be grateful when i feel so sad.
i think unless someone has experienced depression they could not fully understand how it takes over your mind and body. no one sees whats wrong. like no one can see my fibro. my dr didnt believe there was something wrong with me. i demanded to see a specialist. took a year but finally got told what i already knew. now its on paper. now its time to apply for other monies so i can survive another few years. i dont smoke i dont drink. i dont go anywhere i dont do anything other than my needlework. so my life over all has been pretty boring.
my ex used to get mad at me for not drinking at parties. i never liked to drink and certainly didnt want to be forced to drink just to make him happy and to fake enjoy myself. he always said i was boring and when i learned to drive only took me so he would have a ride home. i once took my knitting to a party because i was sick and tired of listening to the other women brag about how drunk they got last weekend. i said i have better things to listen to than that, and i really dont give a shit how drunk they got. rather spend my money on something else. i remember when he opened a case of beer he didnt go to bed till it was all gone. so once again i spent alot of time alone.
so today is full of chores and trying to hold it together. trying to make it look like i am ok ....when in truth i am dying inside.
its sunday. and the weather is dark and cloudy. no yard work today. which leaves me lots of time to think about how much i miss my kids and grandkids.
not feeling the best either. kinda sick feeling. time for some ginger ale i think.
we were not able to drop off anything at the thrift shop yesterday as they were taking only furniture. so much for working on getting rid of more stuff tomorrow. the store says you have to check the web site to know what they are taking that day. sigh...we only get out once a week.
my life is not that exciting. pretty boring i guess you could say. i am not famous nor special. but there are creatures that depend on me . so i keep going mostly for them. the depression is bad lately. my mind is broken today so will call it a day and wish everyone a better one.
saturday and shopping is done. one of the thrift shops is now open and we stopped in to take a quick look. we had a 20 min time limit and only 10 people in the store at a time. i thought it sounded fair. i got a couple big vases for the bird feeder/bird bath. i glue them together and make a sculpture for the garden. they look neat in the sun. we got groceries , i didnt think i bought alot but it still got to 70.00. then it was to walmart. only so many allowed in the store there too. i had to pick up meds i asked if they had any masks. they had none. so i have to wait until such time as they may have some.
todays entry may be short as brent is trying to get the internet faster for work. and on top of that he dropped his phone and needed it to get the access codes for work. we have a small tablet so he downloaded the app onto that so he should be ok for now. he said he needs a cell phone for work. and i am thinking why cant the codes be emailed. i says if you are required to have a phone then work should pay for it. i certainly would not get a cell phone just to get a code.
i have not been able to do any art today as brent has been in and out of my office. so i did some dishes put the groceries away and checked facebook. i have been working on the same sock all week. between feeling sick and very tired ...just no energy to do the knitting. the only thing i want to do right now is go sit in the park and have a picnic.
what i suspected yesterday was right. with so many being online at the same time there is huge lag which is why brent was having problems. he called the internet company to see what they could do. well not much but offer 5.00 off. i think his work should be paying toward our internet. maybe we can claim it on income tax next year. brent is working upstairs today. so it will be a little separation for us.
i got some repotting done yesterday. have lots more to do but need another bag of dirt. i think i have enough pots.
i think of my grandkids every day and wonder when i will see them again. i have nieces and nephews but have not seen them in over 10 yrs. since the funeral of my grandmother. after the funeral my sister comes over to say oh i had another kid...i said gee thanks for letting me know. grandma already told me, and she was upset she did because you told her not to. i said i dont really care. you cant take the time for me i dont have time for you. so who knows how many more kids there are now. my son went down to see his grandparents last summer and phoned my aunt to make arrangements for a visit. all she could say was she was too busy. its like are you kidding me . your grandnephew makes the 8 hour trip south and you dont have time. i would drop everything. so i dont have time for my aunt either. my mothers sister. so i have no reason to go home anymore. i wont go home for anymore funerals. my siblings have my email but no one bothers to say hi. i know i know lines go both ways. i spent years going home to see them spent holidays at home when we could have gone some place else. most of the time when we went home they where always too busy to see us. so i gave up.
quiet day and brent has gone to get dinner. chicken. i am not sure what will happen now to me as my unemployment for sick leave is done. i have a feeling i will have to go back to work before i get a drs note.
while laying in bed last night i thought of something profound to open todays entry....but forgot it altogether. guess i should have wrote it down.
another day of laundry and chores. laundry on the line though. i washed a load of socks, its always an awe inspiring experience to hang them out ...as i have knit them all (18 pairs today). i dont know how many pairs i have knit overall but i know its alot. since i have been home i have knit about 13 pairs of socks. yes i still need glasses but i can see close up, just not far away for driving etc. hence why i can do some art and my collage pages.
i always wanted my kids to be proud of me or even like me as a person. at least i am still on their facebook page. i can see when they are online and i guess they are ok. i miss seeing the grandkids alot.
today is left over day so i am not chained to the kitchen today. i am waiting for the washer to finish then i can move onto something else. just took my meds so it will be about an hour before my pain meds kick in. my dr was worried i would become addicted to the meds. well that has not happened. i never drank and never smoked. i decided way back when that i had better things to spend my money on. so i guess that is a plus for me. i take the pills as prescribed. somedays when the pain is bad i wish i had 1 more to make it to bed time but no such luck. some nights i find it hard to sleep even though i have a water bed. yes nice and soft and body conforming. but no matter what i just cant make it work so i end up in my chair in the living room for a few hours. some nights i cant get my brain to turn off. its like having 500 tabs open on my laptop and not one of them means anything, except the knitting pattern....that means something...
well another fun day of working from home. brent decided he needs to use my office. well it would take me forever to clear off the top of my desk. and i got pissed. and he got pissed so now he is working in the bedroom. he says the laptop is dropping his calls. i think its because the internet is overloaded with so many others using it now. now he says its the internet booster not working right. who knows. all i know is i miss him going to work. sigh
nice sunny day. and its supposed to be very warm too. got laundry out on the line , the sheets will smell so nice later. got other chores done and now its time for tea and some breakfast.
its wednesday already. seems the days go by and i feel like all i do is the same thing everyday. housework. i would like to spend more time on my art, never enough time for that when you have to cook and clean and all that jazz. muffins are made and cake is made....just needs to cool off enough to ice. then its on to putting dinner in the oven. and cleaning more grout. no art time today i fear. but at least tomorrow is left over day.
i found out too that tomorrow is probably the last new general hospital show for a while. such as life. yes i like my soap. i used to watch more before they went off the air. and i watch coranation street. i have been watch gh since high school...so a very long time. when i spent so much time alone when my ex was gone i watched alot of tv. i was afraid to go out , afraid to get yelled at. he would yell at me mostly when he was drunk. he would stay at work and drink and wonder why i was upset. after i made dinner and then he didnt want any.
i guess i just wanted something better for my life. something to be proud of . something my kids would say look at what my mom did, isnt that great.....
well after some moving around i got the laptop on the other side of the dining room table. it just means i cant see the stove now when i am cooking. but such as life. but i will be out of brents way which is what he wanted for when he goes back and forth for coffee etc.
have made a start on the dishes and got the cages done. not sure about laundry yet as it looks like it might rain. and i managed to remember to take something out for dinner.
the thrift store we go to opens up today. i have a few boxes ready to go but i dont think we will be going right away as lots of others will be as well. so will hold off until maybe sat. see how i feel then.
i am doing ok this morning. so far so good. but like anything with fibro it can change in an hour. i hate this disease so much. it has taken so much from me and it will only get worse. i am so tired and in pain all the time but i dont say anything to brent because he will just say dont do anything then. but if i dont do anything it will never get done. i do what i can when i can and if i cant or need help i will have to ask. i am afraid of going for walks alone as i might fall and hurt myself or not be able to get up. i am not the most sports gifted person in the world.
i never liked sports in school and hated running in gym class. i liked biking when i didnt fall off my bike and didnt mind walking now and again. i did alot of walking when i went back to school as i didnt have a car yet. after my course and i had to do the work experience thing i did alot of walking and found myself on my feet most of the day. i thought the pain i was in was due to old age and nothing more. little did i know that the cause was the fibro. so no job at the hospital for me. there is no way i could ever keep up with all the walking.
so now i am wondering what to do with my life. if i can go back to work. if my brain will allow me to work from home. fibro screws with your memory. i get bad brain fog some days. i feel like such a failure in my life. my kids dont talk to me , my siblings dont talk to me and i dont think my mother much liked me.
monday of the long weekend. i have to finish what i started on thurs. moving my laptop to the other side of the dinning room table. brent will be working in the sunroom and going back and forth behind my chair so i guess it just makes sense that i move it.
i am feeling alot better than i did yesterday. so far so good, but day is not over yet and i am not sure what is for dinner. will have to check the freezer. me i would like soup and tea. just something simple on my tummy.
i am going to try and start transplanting today. the sunroom should be warm enough now and not go down to freezing over night so it should be ok.
well dough is on for panzarotti and birds are put away...the excape when i can the cage. started dishes and so far no plants done but cleaned more grout...how exciting is that.
i am still finding life at home hard sometimes. the dizziness and fear of falling gets to me sometimes. i am not very co ordinated sometimes depending on pain levels. i do what i can now and when i cant i ask for help. i hate asking. its not something i am used to doing. being a former military wife there was never anyone around to help me so i had to do for myself. you just got on with it . you made choices decided on things when he was not home. and if he didnt like it well too bad, he was not here to help me. alot of times he didnt like it. but its not like we had the internet and a laptop to talk to one another all the time. i waited weeks for letters and phone calls that may or may not happen. i felt i was forced to stay inside in fear of missing his call and then get accused of being with someone.
in this time of enforced solitude many years ago i fell back on what i knew best , my ability to make things. so i started to knit and crochet. and made blankets and sweaters and eventually baby things. i love to knit and still do . i guess if i knew then what i know now i would not have gotten married. it was a very lonely life and i dont make friends easy. most postings i didnt have any friends at all. all i wanted was to move home to be near my family such as it was. the only thing i made my ex promise was that we would move home when he was done the military. he broke that promise. and then i thought all bets are off and you dont give a crap about me or my kids.
well its sunday of the first long weekend of the summer. and so far things are pretty calm. which is great because i feel sick again today. fibro related.
brent wanted to surprise me and tried to take me on a mini car ride to a farm just outside of town. it was nice to get out. we got some plants for the garden and some eggs. goose eggs. never had them and they are huge. i think about 3 large chicken eggs equal one goose egg. so thats alot of egg. i like my eggs in cake.
next weekend we will go to the green house and get some veg and flower plants for the garden. i am no feeling the gardening thing this yr but maybe getting some plants might bring it on.
i am making date squares today and tex mex for dinner. hope i can keep it down. sometimes i cant went the nausea gets bad.
well its after dinner and i almost made it but didnt. gonna leave it at that and close for now and wish everyone a good day
so todays shopping day. i cant eat or drink anything before we go out as there are no public washrooms open right now. so the outings are usually short...an hour or so. not much to get this week so wont be long at grocery store. the farmers market will open for the summer today as well. i hope they have good weather.
i have one poor button quail left. the others have passed on. old age mostly. no eggs from this last one in a long time so she will go soon i think. always sad when i find a bird that has died over night. i tried to hatch eggs from the buttons but they are hard to work with as the eggs are so small. the babies are only the size of a bubble bee, so incredibly tiny and fragile. i had greater success in hatching quail eggs, but i have not hatched any for 2 yrs now. i will miss all of their “talking” during the day once they are all gone.
so home now and all errands done till next sat. its the long weekend and thought it would be busier. didnt have to wait in line which was a bonus. so in and out and on the road. brent even took me for breakfast. we got served in the car like the old a and w used to be. it was fun and nice and quiet. not sure if i could get used to a noisy restaraunt again. but it was good to get out and put normal clothes on.
i am having a hard time finding coloured copy paper. guess i will need to go online. not that i want to. but no choice it seems right now. i have a few things in the cart for amazon but not sure if it will take 2 or 3 months to get it.
dinner meat is prepped and i need a nap. didnt sleep well last night. will leave this for today and be back tomorrow.
i am not sure if anyone is reading this but if you want me to keep this public keep the numbers going up.