mommaleelee

Music is medicine for the soul. I cannot imagine life without music. I can go right back in time with one single note. Have you ever wondered what your life would look like on a mixtape? Just think, it would be so amazing to listen to your life unfold one song at a time.

MY ULTIMATE PLAYLIST

circa 1977

Girl From The North Country

This song is one of my all time favourite songs. Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan, what more could a girl ask for. This song was played at a funeral for an amazing lady. I will never forget Starla and her infectious energy and kindness.

Don’t It Make Your Brown Eyes Blue

I loved this song as a little girl. I was so envious of Crystal Gayle’s long brown hair because I had short permed hair. Even my dad Larry rocked out a few perms in his day.

The Long Black Veil

My dad played the guitar. He would sing and play this song for my sister and I. This is one of my fondest memories spending time with him.

Heartbreaker

Pat Benatar was the bomb! I absolutely loved this song. I would belt it out for my family and would use the fireplace as my stage. I wanted to be fierce like Pat and break me some hearts.

Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain

This country tune reminds me of the summer and having family backyard barbecues. I loved watching my aunts and uncles dance.

Queen of Hearts

This was my cousin Dawn’s go to song. She always was in charge of the choreography. We would put on dance performances for our parents and all us girls wore matching leg warmers.

Songbird

This song just warms my heart and helped me deal with the many ups and downs of adolescent relationships.

Thriller

Thriller blew my MIND as a child. I was obsessed with MJ. He was like nothing I had ever seen before. I had the glove and the posters, I was a huge fan. My parents even surprised us one year and flew my sister and I to Toronto. We all got to see Michael and his family perform at the Jackson Five Tour. I remember feeling exhausted at the concert and falling asleep to Michael singing “Ben.”

Jack and Diane

“A little ditty ‘bout Jack and Diane. Two American kids doin’ the best they can.”

Could I Have This Dance

Weddings and celebrations were a big deal in my family. The kids were always included. I danced with all my uncles to this song and now have great memories forever because of it.

You Are So Beautiful

Joe Cocker is a legend and his voice is like no other. I love this song and get chills when I hear it.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

I loved the 80s and Cyndi Lauper was on fire! I was a girl who also just wanted to have fun.

No Women No Cry

Bob Marley always puts me in a chill mood. I grew up listening to his music and got to travel to his home country, Jamaica. This is a magical place. When I hear his music, I am immediately back at the beach.

Beast Of Burden

Beast of Burden is my parents song. My mom and dad are still wildly in love. They have a truly inspiring love story. This song will always and forever remind me of them.

Forever and Ever, Amen

This classic song played at every family wedding I have ever been to, including my own.

Money for Nothing

My dad Larry was always a character. He had crazy hair and a baby blue cube van. He would rock out to this song, with the windows rolled down and of course always when he was picking my sister and I up from school.

Down Under

Down Under reminds me of being on a camping trip. We would all travel in my dad’s giant cube van. There were no seats in the back for my sister and I. Not a problem, dad would rig up two lawn chairs and we were set. It was all good until we would turn a corner and our fingers would get pinched in between the chairs.

Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door

Dylan is an amazing songwriter and talent. My father has requested this song to be played at his funeral.

Crazy Love

Danced to this song with my dad at my wedding, loved it then and still love it now.

Nothing Compares 2 U

Such a chilling voice and beautiful song takes me right back to junior high.

Ice Ice Baby

Ice Baby! I memorized all the lyrics and desperately wanted to go to A1A Beachfront Avenue.

Lovers in a Dangerous Time

Steven Page from the Barenaked Ladies can SING. I saw them perform this song live with my family, it was beautiful. Love this proud Canadian band.

Lodi Dodie

I loved me some Snoop, always have. I once had a boyfriend who thought he was a gangster. He introduced me to this album. Great album, but terrible boyfriend.

Sabotage

The summer of grade 11, my friends and I drove from Edmonton to BC in a minivan. We camped and had a blast. I still cannot believe my parents let me do this!

Leather and Lace

Stevie Nicks just owned who she was. She was unapologetic and authentic. My sister reminds me of her because she also beats to her own drum. I cannot listen to Stevie without thinking of my sister Kelly.

Fast Car

Tracy Chapman is enchanting. I had the privilege to hear her perform live at an outdoor folk festival, simply magical.

Nothing Else Matters

Metallica will always remind me of my ex husband. The good times and the best part of him.

Good Enough

This song helped me heal from a broken heart. I would listen to this album and cry. Tears are healthy, it is when I cannot cry that I worry.

The River

I went to a Garth Brooks concert many moons ago. I got upgraded from nosebleeds to the front row.

More Than Words

Another golden song that reminds me of the ex gangster. I really had some bad relationships but at least they all taught me something valuable.

Wide Open Spaces

I moved out at a young age. I will never forget listening to this song driving away from my family home. I was just a baby but yet so determined to grow up fast. I had to learn things the hard way.

Wild Horses

I love this song so much. I just get all the feels when I listen to it. I fall hard when I’m in love. If your my person, not even wild horses could drag me away.

Remember When

I was a brand new mom and just had my first son. I would rock him to sleep for his afternoon naps listening to this song. I can still feel his little warm body pressed up against me.

Welcome 2 The Party

I was newly separated from my ex husband and I wanted to go and see a Kid Rock concert. I was always a fan but soon learned nobody else liked him enough to pay for a ticket. I was so proud of myself because I decided to just go by myself . This was a huge shift for me, that night I knew I was okay even if I was alone.

Ice Cream

Ice Cream is the best and so is falling in love.

Sometimes you have to try a bunch of flavours before you find the perfect one. My husband Gord is perfect just like vanilla ice cream.

In Da Club

We always play this song on each one of our birthdays. My boys don’t like it at all but they listen and cringe while I dance and carry on. It has become part of our birthday traditons.

The Girl

My second son was such a cuddly little baby. He always needed to sleep on me. We had a perfect moment when he was about 3 months old and was struggling to fall asleep. I took him downstairs to the living room and put on the the fireplace. He calmed down right away as this beautiful song came on. He looked right into my eyes and smiled.

Something More

I felt lonely and miserable in my first marriage . I loved singing to this song...

“There's gotta be something more.

Gotta be more than this.

I need a little less hard times.

I need a little more bliss.”

Comin’ Home

This song brings me to tears and I call it the “Samson Song” he was my first dog. I loved him so much it still hurts when I think about him not being here. I listened to this song the day he died. I comforted him and layed by his side. I fed him some strawberries, his favourite snack. He was done and I knew it, he looked me in the eyes and thanked me for loving him. I was the lucky one. He was the best dog imaginable and was truly my best friend.

Today Is Your Day

Shania had a difficult time when her husband left her. I read her book, right around the same time I was going through my own little hell.

“Alone, by herself she built the kingdom that she wanted.”

Wildflowers

I love Tom Petty’s song, wildflowers. It always reminds me how blessed I am to be in a loving and respectful relationship. We all deserve to “belong somewhere where you feel free.”

Big Poppa

My husband Gord is a gentle giant. He has a heart of gold. I always think of him when I hear this song.

Thousand Years

My boys walked me up the mountain to meet Gord so we could exchange marriage vows. This was the song that was playing during our outdoor ceremony. I have loved Gord for a thousand years and I'll love him for a thousand more ❤️

Northern Wind

“You are the lullaby

Singing me to sleep

You are the other half

You’re like the missing piece.”

Million Reasons

I am a social worker and worked in child protection for years. This was a really tough job because you get so connected to these kids. I had many tough days being their bottom hands holding them up. When I moved on to a different role, I was no longer going to be working with them in the same capacity. This was hard on me and on them. I felt like I was being torn in a million pieces.

Piece by Piece

Piece by piece, Gord restored my faith that a man can be kind and that a father could, stay! Our boys adore Gord and he has been the most amazing parent.

Thanks for reading ❤️ and going down memory lane with me.

I was living my robotic but seemingly perfect life. I was a stay at home mommy, that part I loved because being a mom was the greatest gift in my life, still feel this way today. We lived out in the suburbs and I drove a big SUV that was ridiculous on gas. My days were full of playdays and volunteering at the school. I had to be 💯 percent focused on the kids and my then husband Mike.

I did nothing right according to him. I walked on eggshells when he was home and would get anxious hours before his arrival. The only joy in my life was my boys. I would do anything to protect them. The kids would leave a mess or have a tantrum and he would explode. Mostly at me but sometimes at the kids and then it was ON. This is where, this lady drew the line. Momma bear came out to fight.

He seemed to only want to be a “parent” when others were watching. Then he would play with the kids and be much more attentive. It broke my heart. My babies deserved so much better. I so badly wanted him to show up for the boys because he genuinely wanted to be there. I always felt like I was forcing him into spending time with them. I thought having kids would soften Mike and make him a better version of himself. It became glaringly obvious, this wasn’t going to happen so I made the decision to love my boys enough for the two of us.

I just kept on going, trying to always do the best for my kids. In my heart, that meant staying with their dad at all costs. I continued to pour my heart and soul into my family. At night, the house would be quiet and there were no more distractions because the kids were in bed sleeping. This was the hardest time in the day because I was alone with my husband. I barely knew him anymore. He was not my friend and certainly did not treat me like a partner. Maybe we just needed another holiday, just the two of us. Yes, that would work! I was delusional clearly. Holidays were great but things were just as horrible once we returned back to our regular life.

I started to tune him out mostly. I wasn’t phased by his name calling anymore and I never took any of his threats serious afterall this had been going on for well over a decade. I half-heartedly laughed at his lame jokes and inappropriate one liners. One day out of the blue, he nonchalantly stated, “I don’t think I love you anymore.”

He was totally emotionless and his eyes were colder than normal. He shared that he was not well and over worked and needed more “him time” to figure out what was wrong. He was not happy anymore. Mike decided he needed to focus more on himself, I secretly laughed because I don’t think this was possible. He took a stress leave from work a few weeks later and shared with both our families that he was having some sort of breakdown. We all rallied around Mike and supported him. I now needed to tend to his every need and help him through this difficult time. I was starting to become genuinely concerned. This was just the way he liked it because I was back under his control.

This was a tortuous time for me and it went on for months as I tried to make him love me again. He was up and down and all over the place.

I love you

I hate you

I am leaving

I am staying

He couldn’t make up his mind and I was suppose to prove that I was worthy of his love, while he figured it out. I don’t have many regrets in my life because I truly believe everything happens for a reason. I just wish, that I would have had enough self love and strength to simply walk away then. I deserved better. This was truly my rock bottom moment. He found so many ways to demoralize me, it is painful just thinking back to it all. Turns out that Mike was perfectly healthy all along no mental breakdown...

Mr. Wondeful wasn’t sick he was just having an affair with his best friend’s wife!

Thanks so much for reading ❤️

In my family we feed people. This is how we express our love through FOOD. We love any opportunity to “break bread together.” I come from a long line of foodies. The Leicht’s and the Rennich’s were hard working German-Russian immigrants who came to Canada full of hope.

This is my grandmother on the right

This is my Grandma Hilda and Grandpa Henry on their wedding day ❤️

My ancestors moved to a small farming community in Hay Lakes, Alberta. My grandmother Hilda was a no nonsense kind of lady. She was a dedicated mother and loved her family and God. She also loved cooking more than anyone I have ever met. My grandmother cooked right up until she was in her 90s. Some of my fondest memories are eating over at Grandma and Grandpa Rennichs. Food was always a part of these gatherings. I can still smell the homemade bread toasting in her kitchen. My favourite snack was bread with butter and just the right amount of homemade strawberry jam. Grandma always put on a spread no matter what the occasion was. In the background, my Grandpa would sit at the table and order Grandma around. They had a odd relationship with a lot of bickering back and forth but it was clear that they loved each other without question. My grandmother’s receipes live on and have been passed down to each generation. My mother taught me how to cook these cherished dishes and hopefully one day I can show my boys. There is not a time that I cook, where I do not feel my grandmother with me in spirit. She would no doubt be encouraging me with her beautiful smile.

COVID has made me become more nostalgic than ever. I have been pulling out the old receipe books and cooking up a storm. I love cooking for my loved ones just like my grandmother Hilda. Here are some of the meals and goodies that I have made since being in quarantine. I hope it may inspire you to try something new tonight.

Chicken and Dumplings, gravy, pot roasted potatoes and cucumber salad.

Niffla or Spaetzle with buttered bread crumbs and onions

Cucumber salad with dill

Cajun Ribs

Grandma’s homemade buns

Cheese tea biscuits

Pretzels

Cajun chicken with scalloped potatoes and garlic bread

Tortillas

Spicy Epanadas

French onion soup

Dad’s ceaser salad minus the anchovies

Three cheese meat lasagne

Cheese pizza bread

Cinnamon buns with cream cheese frosting

Jake’s 16th Birthday-chocolate cake with white chocolate cream cheese ganache icing

Chocolate chip & Oreo cookie brownies

One bowl chocolate cake with buttercream icing

Italian donughts with chocolate fudge sauce

There is nothing better than connecting with your loved ones over some amazing food!

If you are a subscriber, please check out below some of these awesome receipes. I hope you enjoy.

Thanks for reading ❤️

From the time I was a little, I was that girl who always had a crush on someone. Then in junior high I started dating. Back in the early 90s this meant the odd awkward telephone conversation or maybe a lap or two around the school hallways. If you were really cool it included holding hands occasionally on the lunch benches. It might even mean a ridiculously slow dance to *LED ZEPPLIN’S “Stairway to Heaven”* in the schools gymnasium of course. This was all glorious to me and simple in comparison to what kids are up to these days. It was innocent enough and I just loved being in a relationship. I had a steady boyfriend every grade with tiny little pauses in between. I was too shy for sports and lacked self confidence so I barely applied myself when it came to my school work. I had way more pressing things to obsess about and that was BOYS. I am embarrassed of the junior high ME but truth be told it was what I was passionate about.

My parents were traditional people as were many back then. I dreamed of having a family of my own one day. I wanted 5 kids and to be married by 20 and the have lots of pets.

Oh boy! I had some pretty unrealistic goals and notice how none of them were to go to post secondary school or be successful in a career. Nope! because that was never my goal. I just wanted a big family and a minimum of one dog and one cat.

At a very young age, I already started to see a clear division of roles between girls and boys in my family. This was something I also learned from watching television shows and movies. Women were largely portrayed as the caregivers and the men were the breadwinners. It seems pretty backwards now but back then, I did not see this to be odd. It was all I had ever known. My mom was my role model. I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. She is truly the kindest and most loving person that I have ever known. She is a fantastic mom and an even better grandmother, if that is even possible. Not only was she beautiful and kind but she was also a regular Martha Stewart. Mom likes to follow all the rules and Martha well we all know that story.

Mom could do it all with grace and ease. Our house was immaculate and she always had a home cooked meal ready for my Dad when he got home from work. She also hosted elaborate family gatherings and had no trouble putting out a gourmet feast. My dad is an incredibly hard worker and his role was to provide for all of us. We were told he had to work so he could “bring home the bacon.”

My first love was “Mike” remember Robbie the waiter from my previous post, well that was Mike. Both Robbie and Mike turned out to be one in the same, total creeps. I had some serious blinders on and saw what I wanted to see. I think a big part was also that I was painfully naive. We lived together when I was 18 and eventually got married at 23. I was “happy” to those looking in and I was certainly achieving all the things that I thought I needed.

✅ Fall in love

✅ Marry my childhood sweetheart

✅ Become a mom

🤞 Live happily ever after

I started to notice that I was feeling down more days than not. It got pretty bad and I was later diagnosed with depression. I knew things were not perfect in my relationship. I never thought once about leaving or what my life could be like without Mike. I was convinced that he was my leading man and I was committed to make this work. He was mean and cruel and seemed to enjoy watching me suffer. I never understood this but always could come up with reasons to explain his behaviour. He was a master manipulator and I started to think it was my fault. He started to become verbally abusive and would threaten to hit me or knock me out. He would call me disgusting names and run me down all the time. I would cry until I had no more tears left. Then I stopped being able to cry all together and became numb to it all. I was this way for many years and told myself it was me that was the problem...

I need to try harder.

I can change him.

Things will be better if he stops drinking.

We had two beautiful children. I was content with my small little family. I loved being a mom much more than being his wife. I excelled in this role but Mike not so much. Mike was more about Mike! I had learned one very important rule from him, I had to also be all about Mike! Once babies came into the picture, my focus shifted. I think he resented me more and more for being more attentive to the children and not him. He always thought of himself first and foremost and would openly admit this to me. I accepted his flaws because I was convinced that he was my person. He was now also the father to my boys. I am a Scorpio and fiery at times so I most definitely have my fair share of flaws. I am honest and loyal to a fault. Divorce was never an option. I started to bark back and stood up for myself more and more. He was starting to loose control over me and I was slowly gaining my strength back little by little. For the first time in our relationship, I started seeing Mike for who he really was. My world started to unravel and there was not a thing I could do to stop it.

“that’s the way the cookie crumbles!”

I think this pandemic has made me more grateful than ever for all of my many blessings. My average daily routine of trying to juggle work, family and friends has kept me pretty preoccupied; however, this pandemic has sure slowed things down for me. I have always yearned for life to slow down but now when faced with social distancing and working from home yikes I truly want to RUN away from it.

The realization that there is literally no where to go has forced me to look inside and see why I am so afraid of being alone with my thoughts. For the first time in my entire life I am forced to simply “just be.” I cleaned the house from top to bottom and at the end of it all, I was just tired. It was satisfying for a day or so but then I got ancy once more. I decided to power watch Tidying up with Mary Kondo and purged my house assessing what items of mine sparked joy and happiness in me.

That was just exhausting and frankly made me feel more anxious. I started to watch all the John Hughes classic movies. My favourite one of his movies is by far Sixteen Candles. Molly Ringwald was my hero growing up because she was so relatable.

I am however NOT a fan of Tom Cruise for many reasons but when he lashed out at Brooke Shields regarding her experience with postpartum depression, I was done! I did love his movies growing up though so I decided to rewatch Risky Business.

It was surprisingly way darker than I had once remembered. He hires an escort and then starts up his own prostitution ring. Holy shit, not what I got from it when I was a kid. Dirty Dancing though, now that was just as good as I remembered. I always secretly wanted to go to Kellermans and meet my Johnny Castle. Damn, that never worked out for me. I was more like Baby’s sister falling for the douche bag waiter.

Ugh I had a few Robbie the creeps in my day. The worst one being my ex husband who we will call “Mike”. He was a peach! That’s what you get for falling in love when your a tween in junior high. This was a bad relationship right from the start. This Margaret Atwood quote sure sums up that relationship in a few words.

Things progressively got worse over the years. I will explain this more in another blog but going back to distractions. My mind never stops working. I keep getting flashbacks of some pretty horrific shit. I cannot seem to get away from the past as it always has a way of finding me. I have always tried to suppress unwanted memories by pushing them down. I wish I could tell you this works but it doesn’t. They are still there and always ready to pop up just when you least expect it. I can best describe this as having my own little ocean inside my body. It is unpredictable and comes with a series of waves just like my emotions. Some waves are just wee little baby waves and others are massive sized tsunami waves. It feels like I am drowning sometimes.

I am so lucky to be on the other side now. I have a pretty great life actually. I have the most amazing sons who make me laugh everyday. They are my whole heart and I protect them fiercely just like a momma bear. I finally found my Johnny but his name is actually Gord. My husband is the best and truly gets me. He loves me for simply just being me, flaws and all. I have never felt this kind of healthy and pure love before. He would never let me be stuck in the corner.

He is so good for all of us and is a man among men. Gord is a fantastic role model for the boys and loves them unconditionally. He held me up on many dark days when I felt broken. He has been a rock for all of us. We make a great team the four of us. We now moved out to the country and for once being pretty isolated seems to be a good thing.

Thanks for reading! ❤️