How, How in the Fuck Hell How???

I see all this stuff on the WWW about how people went from cigarettes and crack to salads and kombucha (or something to that effect) and I am sitting here sucking on nicotine lozenges and eating (mostly) fruits and veg and I am still out of shape and feel like shit a lot of the time.

I guess working out truly is the key. It's not a giant priority for me at the moment but damn, maybe I should make it one??? If STLCC Fall 2018 semester falls through, I will def have a slightly diff set of priorities at hand, but...yeah.

I think I could be down w/ walking in the early AM hours (or any hours, really) around this general area of S St Louis County but as far as the gym goes; no. I already missed a payment with them and they wanted me to pay out the ying-yang for two months + a missed payment fee, so, fuck them. I'm not lifting weights w/ off-duty cops, anyway. Haha.

I can commit to working out though. Hardcore if I wanted to. Commitment isn't the issue, it is: “what am I reallllly wanting to do with my life right now?” type of situation. I can only devote my time and energy to so many tasks. There is the “easier” route, which is #coding + #app building + reg exercise (which doesn't really seem like an easy route, but it actually is). Or, I can go the tougher, harder, more difficult, more challenging, more interesting route and stack my chips higher and do everything in my power to pull every string necessary to get into comm college this semester.

On the latter: the whole thing is completely out of my control. I cannot get the loan discharge approved faster than it already is going + I cannot enroll in classes for this semester w/o FAFSA being 110% approved otherwise I will be on the hook for who knows how many hundreds or thousands of dollars (bc #college in America sucks).

Therefore: the former. The “easy” route as I refer to it because I have absolutely everything in my power to make things happen right Now + I am actively making them happen w/ the CS course I am in + plans beyond that. Self-determination + self-motivation is not an issue with me. I can do just about whatever (including exercise which is the most important thing w/ taking the former route, I suppose).

Seeing as I would have EXACTLY one week to hustle all the paperwork (FAFSA) if I got approved on Mon morning, THIS Monday, I am still thinking a deadline will not be met. Not for the classes, themselves (there is no issue there), but paying for them is the issue.

What I am getting at: I am at a crossroads, so to speak. I can hammer in walks everyday and do what I will do everyday anyway (studying CS, coding, blah blah, etc) and just commit to that, wholesale. Or I can hold-out for a possible STLCC Fall 18 run. And to be quite honest, I have everyone in my life barking up my tree to lose weight, get in shape, and start taking better care of myself. So I will do this...

....I will commit myself to the CS50x route + #business modeling-type ideas for the app I wanna build + getting good, long walks in everyday. I plan on doing basically all of that, anyway. But the walks will be big difference in this newfound commitment. And...

....I will let STLCC fall (pardon the pun) where it may and not give a fuck about enrolling in Fall 2018 semester because once this loan discharge gets approved, that will be a blessing onto itself because that will simply mean I will not have to pay that $$$ back regardless of whether I go back to college or not.

So this is where I stand.