Phoenix & Ash

Had to put my baby girl Great Dane named Ivory down yesterday.

She was almost 11 years old, but still very much a puppy. She slipped on some icy steps the night before and the next morning got bloat in her stomach, meaning her stomach was actually twisted. The vet said our options were either surgery (with no guarantees, could result in complications, and a risk of her dying on the table) or euthanasia. If the condition had progressed enough, she would need to be euthanized anyway.

The average lifespan for a Great Dane is 8 years old. Ivory was almost 11. Her normal weight was 102 pounds. When I brought her in yesterday, she weighed 89 pounds.

I conferenced my boyfriend in so he could hear the vet talk and after some terrible, awful, and difficult soul searching, we decided to end her pain and let her go to rest in peace.

My heart is literally broken into pieces right now. She filled the house with so much life and personality and she was my constant companion, no matter what. All she wanted was to love and be loved.

Here's to my baby girl, who loved me when no one else did.

I love you baby. Rest in peace.

Went to Group tonight. It was really good.

Intense... but good.

It feels good to talk about the thing that changed the course of my entire life forever and hear the others say the same thing happened to them.

We are different now. We have changed.

But really, that happens no matter what you experience, right?

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

We are acting and reacting to things All. Damn. Day. Long.


So here's to tomorrow, and whatever it brings. May my actions and reactions make the world a better place. May I get out of bed and do something useful, productive, and worthy.

May I learn to leave the shit — and the shit-filled people — behind me, in the dust. Even if I have to face them every day. They can be their stupid, shitty selves, and I can be over here like... Not shitty.

Onward and upward. Stronger and stronger.