Riley Q

Don't worry, I haven't lost my mind, I know that today is the 2020 election. But as you know, I'm a planner and I like to think ahead.

Today specifically I am thinking ahead to where we're going to be four years from now. This is obviously dependent on who wins today but at the same time, it doesn't have to be.

This entire year I've heard

“I wish I didn't have to pick between the lesser of two evils.”

and

“This sucks because either way I'm going against my morals.”

Over and over again all I heard was red or blue, pick a hand, which one is worse- and truthfully, it got me thinking.

This was the first election I could vote in and all I could think was “why does it have to be this way?”.

Why are we forced to choose between two people who aren't necessarily good for the job?

Why are we so polarized as a society against one another in the form of these two options?

Why is one side fully evil and the other fully saints- depending on who you talk to? That's a pretty bold assumption to make about a massive group of people.

Why can't we have more choices? And then I remembered that we do have more than two choices.

But then I had to ask myself, why is that you're looked at as “throwing away your vote” if you vote for anyone other than the big two?

Why do these other candidates even bother if election after election we set them up for failure?

If we actually wanted change that badly, if we hated this current system so much, wouldn't we send more funding and more attention to those other options?

Or is it that we actually don't hate this system as much as we love the drama that comes with hating our neighbor? We seem to crave the polarization. It's actually super disappointing America.

Many people hollered throughout this year that you shouldn't listen your moral compass but you should choose the candidate who would best *appear* to help your friend's lives. We were emotionally manipulated more than I've ever seen before- by each other and by the media. We suddenly went from “we should love one another” to “if you vote for x you're a despicable person and a vote for anyone other than y makes you a despicable person”. Your choice suddenly determined your worth as a human.

We have a broken system on our hands. A broken system that could be changed simply by not allowing ourselves to get shoved into the boxes that state that voting for anyone other than a red or blue candidate makes you a traitor.

But if more people actually voted for who they aligned with- regardless of the party affiliation, wouldn't we be on our way to fixing that very system?

We want women in, great. Did you know that we had a candidate who happened to be a woman who fell in the middle of the red and blue parties and all she wanted was a chance to speak at the debates which she was denied over and over again? Good job America, you pushed out exactly what you've been claiming that you want. Oh, and she is on the ballot in all 50 states today- so you just completely shot yourself in the foot there because you were so focused on hating on the red or blue party that you didn't notice the others standing in the room. So much for equal representation.

Many of you, some I know personally, have shouted that “this is too vital an election to mess around” inferring that voting for a third party would automatically mean that you didn't care and that you were messing around. FYI- that's emotional manipulation stirred up by one of the two major parties themselves. You've been played.

Let's think about this. If this was really “too vital an election” would that not mean that the best candidate should have an equal shot at winning? If so, by only stating that your vote matters if you're voting for option red or blue, you're stating that none of the other candidates are good candidates. That seems a bit biased and a bit of a set up if you ask me.

It's mighty bold of you to assume that a vote for any other candidate is a waste. In fact that's actually you taking your personal belief system and trying to bully anyone who doesn't go along with what you believe into voting for your preferred candidate or in a way that would make your choice win. It's manipulation and it's not cool.

America deserves better than what we've been giving it all these years.

We hate the system yet we've stayed content within it and we seem to not actually want a change to be made.

If we did, we'd be rallying for and supporting these younger, diverse candidates. We'd show the media who was really in charge and instead of giving in to the over-charged emotional manipulation that they crank out every four years we'd show up and vote for who we truly believed would be the best candidate- regardless of the color of their tie.

Stop sitting in complacency if you don't like the system we're in.

Otherwise you're going to find yourself complaining about the “old man in the chair” for the rest of your life.

Stop being afraid of following your gut.

Stop being intimidated by people on Facebook.

Stop choosing to let the media run the narrative.

Do your own research and start looking at these candidate's history, intentions and actual follow through.

Stop being complacent.

If you're going to demand change at least follow it up with the action that is called for.

It may be too late this election but you've got the next four years to start promoting love, open dialogue and real change.

I pray that in four year you don't find yourself in the same exact seat as you're sitting in now. You owe yourself, your children and your loved ones more than that.

Get up out of that seat and demand to be more than a pawn in the political game between the elephants and the donkeys. They've run the show for far too long and have had way too much fun as the puppet masters behind our country. I'm not saying that the right candidate from one of those parties wouldn't be a great option for 2024, but I am saying that there are more out there that deserve a shot and could just be the answer we've been looking for- we just don't see them because they're not flocked in red or blue and that's just not right.

I'm looking forward to the 2024 election. I have a lot of conversations to have between now and then and I look forward to seeing all of ya'll who complain about the current system putting in the work to change it too. Complacency isn't a good look, let's stop displaying it like a temporary tattoo that we put our foreheads every four years.

I'll be 21 tomorrow and if it wasn't for this baby inside of me you'd best believe I'd be treating myself to something strong for enduring this year. Tomorrow, as a birthday present to me, let us remember to love each other wholly, regardless of the results. We cannot blame anyone but ourselves for being where we are. Accept the blame and move on and do better next time.

xoxo – Ry

I now understand why so many women cannot stand the third trimester. It's truly terrible. It's something else when you get to the point of fantasizing about a surprise twin so that you can meet your desired two kid goal and be done with it all. I truly don't know how women do this multiple times. I'm sure I'll forget all about it in a year or so when I have the itch for another baby but for now I'm frankly miserable.

Grateful? Totally.

Overwhelmed and ready for him to be out? Absolutely.

I'm actually writing this at 6am because my body has decided that sleep is for the weak and my baby is rolling around inside having a total party. Needless to say I'm over this and I just want to hold my baby- on the outside.

He punches and kicks all day long and it's equally annoying as it is endearing. I've actually been thinking about this concept and how it relates to relationships. With *most* children (for this example I'm not talking about surrogacy & adoption) our bodies take a beating for ten months. Months of tossing and turning, feeling generally uncomfortable, coping with sickness and the mental battle of hormones and stretching skin. You learn to be much more accommodating than you ever have before.

I think the same holds true with marriage. A more slow going process to say the least- but it carries a lot of similarities.

Once you're past that initial honeymoon phase, the real work begins. Now nobody likes to talk about this work or this phase because “I'll never not be in the honeymoon phase”. Now this isn't like when people say “just wait”– because guess what? As uncomfortable as growing is, it can also be fun and it can be a deeply rich experience. If I had to choose I'd rather not stay in the honeymoon phase forever because it's often accompanied by a lot of unknowns and silenced frustrations. The real intimacy begins when you're putting in the work.

Like I said, in relationships it's a bit more slow going than a pregnancy. It's not 10 months and done, it's years of learning, growing, stretching, accommodating and adjusting. It's ten steps forward and two steps back. It's passion and fire but it's also drought and praying for rain.

Each season is a little bit different from the last but they all call for a lot of grace and understanding from both individuals.

If I've learned anything from this last year it's that you have to roll with the punches. Sometimes your partner needs to say or do something that may offend or hurt you, but they have to get it out there and be honest or they never will. That takes some understanding on your part. It takes being willing to listen and hear what they have to say, even if it means that you have to take one for the team in that moment.

It's easy to get wrapped up in yourself and only focus on your own pleasure and needs – emotionally and physically. We love it when our partners are caring and overly accommodating towards us, but it can be easy to step back and realize that you haven't been returning that same passion back to them with selflessness and humility. It's easy to go through life being served, but it's far more fulfilling when you also are doing the serving.

I think that's why a lot of marriages tend to fall apart. There is one person who is pulling the weight and the other just goes along with it because they're not willing to look up and outside of themselves and then the person who is struggling doesn't communicate their needs and they form a wedge of bitterness that grows until the original partnership is unable to be seen. On the other hand, I think that both partners could be pulling their weight, but it's in a way that is most convenient to them leaving neither of the other person's needs met. In the same way they don't communicate and that wedge forms.

This brings me back to my point that I preach on a regular basis- communication and love languages are so very vital. If you are meeting your own needs but not your partner's, you're going to run into a roadblock. But when both people are seeking to serve and love the other the way they need to be loved, both people will feel fulfilled and the relationship will work far better. This requires strong communication. It may not be comfortable communication- like I mentioned, tossing and turning and sleepless nights and frustrating conversation- but it will be worth it in the end.

I don't enjoy carrying a baby, but he is going to be so worth it in the end that I'd do it a 100 times over if it meant that I could get to know this sweet person.

That's sacrificial love. That is one of the main components of love that we don't like to talk about because frankly we're a selfish society. We don't like to do anything that takes away from us, even if it means reaping a greater reward in the long term because everything is about us and it's about getting what we want immediately.

Relationships are about the long haul whether we like it or not. It's funny because we complain about the divorce rate skyrocketing and about how generations like mine (Z & Millennial) can't seem to commit- yet we haven't seen the example set for us. Somewhere in the last hundred years the sanctity of marriage was abandoned, we abandoned the practice of patience, understanding and grace and we embraced our selfishness instead of seeing it for what it really is. Ugly.

This is an uncomfortable post, I know. It's calling out a lot of issues and you may feel slightly triggered. I get it, I've made these mistakes myself and I don't particularly like to admit that. But when I do, it gives me the space to admit that I've messed up and it gives me the space to say “okay, how can I move forward and be a better partner, lover and friend?”.

Sometimes marriage feels like you're getting sucker punched over and over again (not actually, that's abuse, get out if that's the case) and you can't seem to find your footing. But when you get up and say “no more” and you stop fighting back and instead choose to work through things amicably and selflessly- you come out stronger because of it. But honestly? Sometimes you need that sucker punch to wake you up and get you going. Sometimes that reality needs to hit you where it hurts for you to see where you've gone wrong.

Now I'm not saying to go do hurtful things to your partner to get them to wake up and smell the roses. No, start with a conversation and maybe even explore therapy if it's not getting to them. But life has a way of working itself out so don't be surprised if you're the one not doing the work if one day it hits you like a ton of bricks. Sometimes it's necessary to tear the wall down if it wasn't built properly to begin with- but that doesn't mean it can't be rebuilt.

Next time you feel that punch wake you up out of your selfish slumber, ask yourself what you can do to serve your partner better. Don't just snap back. Learn to roll with the punches and let it mold you into a better partner, lover and friend. The end result will be so worth it if you're both working together.

Love and be loved.

xoxo – Ry

I shared this song by Maren Morris a few weeks ago and honestly, I couldn't get it out of my head. Especially with the election coming up next week I think that this concept is something that we all need to be focused on.

One of the last lines in the song “I hope my son's proud of the woman I was” very much resonated with me and brought me to tears the first time I heard it because of my own impending arrival. Maren herself had her first son this year and it meant a lot to me to know that I'm not the only one who is very conscious about this subject. We often talk about raising strong daughters and how we NEED to raise strong sons, but yet that relationship isn't equally as represented. I honestly think it's one of the reasons I was so afraid of having a boy- it's just not talked about that much.

Anyways, that went a little off topic, but I really wanted to share this song with you from my perspective.

Here is my cover of “Better Than We Found It” on Cinnamon, I hope you enjoy it. If you're in the US don't forget to get out and vote this week, it's so very important that we set the example and do our best to make this world as beautiful as we can for our kids.

https://cinnamon.video/watch?v=437695427626665591

xoxo – Ry

Buying a house is a stressful endeavor, period. It's something that literally no one talks about until you're in the process and the most information you're usually given is along the lines of..

“Oof, I remember that process. That's the most stressed out I've been in my life.”

or

“Have fun with the piles of paperwork.”

Or even better,

“Good luck, they pushed my closing five times, we were supposed to move in March but didn't get into our house until the end of July!”

Oh goodie. Thanks for the advice. Anything you want to share that's ACTUALLY helpful?

To say that the process is stressful is very much an understatement. But I think that one of the biggest reasons that it's stressful is because no one talks about it or educates you whatsoever!

Lenders are busy and at least ours wasn't too keen on answering questions.

Our realtor was amazing but she could only answer so many questions, the financing part isn't her area of expertise!

Timeline wise- it's all a crapshoot and no one explained that one.

And all of the delays and “hold up- wait, now I need this” instances, completely unprepared for those.

I'm not really sure why they don't teach us these things in school. At least in America we aren't educated on things we will actually need to know. How to do your taxes, budget, get a good credit score and prepare to buy a house- completely looked over and forgotten about. It's like they actually WANT us to struggle. It's going to be my mission that before my kids leave the house they know how to do all of the above because clearly the world doesn't care if they know.

Alrighty, so here's the top eight things that I would've LOVED to know before starting this whole process.

All the random fees and expenses will pop up.

When figuring out if you can afford to buy right now, don't just take into account the down payment. You need to take into account the earnest money (good faith deposit), the inspection, the appraisal and any additional closing costs you may need to cover. We actually were able to get closing costs covered in our contract, but we still had extras that we had to pay for once they hit a certain amount. Make sure to get the estimate for closing costs from your lender on the price range of houses you're looking at so that you can be prepared to pay the full amount or just a fraction.

The timeline will drive you crazy.

People will go weeks without responding to your emails. Sometimes you will literally have no idea what is going on. You may have to annoy the crap out of some people with phone calls, but you have to do whatever you have to do to keep things moving. You have a timeline with how long your loan offer is good for and if you don't meet that you have a mess on your hands. Don't panic if you put an offer in on something and then back out, we had to do that after an inspection came back badly, but get right back on the horse immediately.

You need a pre-approval letter BEFORE you search.

That way you can put an offer in on something you love immediately. Especially in the current market where everything is flying off the shelves because of the super low interest rates, you need to be ready to make an offer if you love it. Chances are you'll be up against someone else and you'll need to make that decision asap. If you don't have that letter you'll be tossed aside or your agent won't even submit the offer. Get that letter before you go or you'll be an anxious mess waiting on it. #ishouldknow

Do not get emotionally attached before you have keys.

As I mentioned we put an offer in on a house we both really liked and we started planning in our heads where things would go. It was hard not to picture our Christmas tree up and bringing the baby home. A few days later we had our inspection and it was not good. We were super stressed and loved the house so much we were going to try and figure it out but Dustin's dad ended up coming out to take a look at it and assured us that the neighborhood wasn't safe enough and it was going to be a financial disaster. We hated it, but we backed out and started looking elsewhere. Yes I'm pregnant and hormonal but I cried and Dustin was really disappointed. It felt really crappy having to start from scratch again. Thankfully God knew what he was doing and spared us big time, they ended up taking the house off the market after dropping it another 20k because it was in that rough of shape. Obviously our appraisal wouldn't have gone through and we could've lost our earnest money and we wouldn't have made the deadline for the loan. Plus the lack of safety and losing a lot of money in fixing it up was not ideal. We are amazed at the amazing home we ended up with and the location, it truly is a blessing. That being said, I didn't get my hopes up and even the first few days actually living here, it felt too good to be true. I kept expecting the bank to call us and say “never mind” get out, but I'm starting to settle in and get attached and excited. That being said...

Don't make any big purchases right after you close.

The bank actually takes a few days to finish the transfer of money. Even if you have the keys there are many stories of people losing their houses because they went out and got a huge loan, bought a vehicle, bought new appliances on a credit card or something along those lines, the bank ran their credit one more time and decided not to sign off. The transaction is usually done within two business days so just hold off on buying that new fridge for a week or so until everything is cleared. Thankfully that didn't happen to us but you better believe we were holding our breath until the following week.

Nitpick EVERYTHING.

When you're looking it's easy to get caught up in the pretty countertops and new stove, but look closely. Do you see water damage? Mold? Lots of bugs? A crappy paint job? Half-assed jobs? A dripping faucet? Weird cracks in the walls? How is the natural lighting? Are there pools of water in the grass? Pro tip- go look on a rainy day. It's good to know how the water runs and pools under or around the house. This is obviously what an inspector is for, but those cost money. If you see a ton of problems you can save yourself money by skipping the inspector altogether and moving on to the next candidate.

Get a great inspector.

Our inspector was amazing and he was the reason we didn't end up going with the other house. Find someone who is thorough, honest, has all of the tools and is passionate about their job. A lot of money and time rides on their report so don't be afraid to ask around for recommendations and interview them before booking one. I'm so thankful for ours, he truly did a fantastic job on both houses and gave us a lot of peace of mind because he was honest when it came to what would need to be done in the first house and he had an eye to see how well things had been done in this second house.

The right house is out there for you and you'll know it when you see it. It is. You just have to be patient. We probably looked at a dozen houses but it wasn't until I walked into the one I'm sitting in right now that I knew I was home. Even the first one we put an offer in. Something just felt different about this house. I actually had thought to myself a year ago when I took Dustin's Nanny to a doctor's appointment how terrible it would be to live in this town, jokes on me, so I didn't actually even want to look here. But our realtor sent it to us and we decided to just go and look since we couldn't find anything in the town we wanted and the second I stepped in I knew I was home. I just had a gut feeling. The original refinished hardwood floors, the wood walls and unique stone fireplace- it wrapped me in its arms and said “stay awhile”. To add to that, the whole process with this house was so much easier than it should've been. No one else had put in an offer or was looking at it, the house had been on the market for awhile and yet nothing was wrong with it and they accepted our offer and even covered closing costs immediately. We also got to choose an appraiser which is super rare. We had a few kinks with HR and proving Dustin's income because of their system and his surgery time off, but after that the underwriters didn't ask too many questions beyond the ordinary- although it will still feel like a lot. We even ended up closing eight days before our original paperwork said we would. God orchestrated it beautifully, even when we had very little faith that it would all work out.

So here's what you need to know. This process is hard. It's frustrating and it's stressful and that's normal. But when it's right, it's right and it will work out, even if it's at the last second. So hold your breath, because you don't want to get your hopes up, but know that in the end it will work out in your favor in one way or another. People will tell you it's the worst thing ever and it does suck, but try to at least have a little bit of fun with looking at houses. And unlike everyone says, the closing paperwork really isn't that bad. It's about 15 minutes worth of signatures and then you're done. It's the application paperwork that's a pain, for the record. It also may not get pushed back like everyone says. In our case, it was over a week early which was a huge blessing. We even got our keys a few hours before closing. So don't assume the worst. Don't assume the best either, but be delightfully surprised when things do work out in your favor. If you research and have all of your stuff together, stay on top of your lender and your realtor and you trust the process, it's all going to work out just fine. Just be prepared that there will be twists and turns and they're all normal and a part of the process. And for heavens sake, like I told my sweet husband a million times, STAY OFF GOOGLE. You will literally question how anybody has ever bought a house in the history of the world if you spend too much time reading stories on threads on the internet. I'm serious. Stop it.

Well I hope you found this helpful and I assume if you've made it this far you're probably buying a house, so good luck and try to have fun! Even in the most stressful moments focus on the fact that when it's all done and over with you'll be in your place, sitting on your couch, wondering how you ever got through it all. But you did and you will.

xoxo – Ry