I'm supposed to love this, right?

I'm supposed to jump in the middle of the night with a smile on my face, happy to meet my baby's needs.. right?

I'm supposed to forget about myself completely, as long as he's happy.. right?

I'm supposed to put away my own selfish ambitions and simply focus on him... right?

Right?

Lately I've been feeling the weight of motherhood.

I've been experiencing postpartum rage.

I've already gone through the ringer with postpartum anxiety and depression.

I've fought Dustin on every itty bitty thing just because I could.

I've looked at my son and wondered “how did I get here?”.

I've resented myself.

I've whispered “is this supposed to be this way?” —

no, it's not supposed to be this way— right?

No, no, it is— but it's not supposed to feel this way?

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From the moment I found out about Hayden's existence I've felt a lot of emotions and weight. I've gone back and forth through joy, sadness, pity, selfishness, selflessness, self improvement, anger, strength, fierceness, meekness, weakness and triumph. I've felt it all. And along that way I've asked every step of the way if it was really supposed to feel that way and truthfully, no one ever has an answer.

I think we all like to pretend that pregnancy is just this wonderful thing and it is a blessing, no doubt about it, but no one ever said blessings were going to be easy to receive, let alone carry.

Most of my pregnancy was unbearably hard and just really sucked. I did not enjoy it. I love my baby, but the process of shaping him was less than pleasant.

But glowing perfect bumps scatter my Instagram feed and say “love every minute, you're going to miss this”. My feed full of women struggling to get pregnant or dealing with losses- where I once was- their faces haunted my every moment. I couldn't complain. I couldn't want. I couldn't feel, I had to keep pushing through it.

I thought it would get better once I delivered him. Maybe the frustrations and hardships and unbelievable sacrifice would ease up and melt away... wrong.

Now, it's even harder and the guilt- it's even stronger.

And I feel like I can't even say anything, let alone complain when I have this perfect little being in my arms.

But it's so hard.

And the guilt behind my feelings, behind my uncontrollable anger and sadness- they seep out and sometimes people catch a glance. But I try to keep it in.

I've tried to stay a shut in and only let on to so much because I fear if I let too much show I'll be judged as I would judge.

How could I not love my baby unconditionally with every ounce of my being?

How could I become frustrated with him?

How could I leave him with family so eagerly and frequently so early?

What's wrong with me?!

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Nothing is wrong with me.

This is normal.

This is what we don't see on Instagram.

This is what mom's are too afraid to share on their Facebook groups.

This is what they don't write about in the million books I read.

This is what they mean when they ask you how you're doing.

Because they know. Because they've been there.

They've felt the excruciating pain of child birth turn into the excruciating pain of caring for that little helpless baby who you can't help but love but feel such disdain for at 4 am in the middle of cluster feeding.

They've felt the anger bubble up when they just won't stop crying.

They've felt the hot tears as you bounce your baby trying to get them to sleep, fearing the line of bouncing too hard and shaking.

They've been there, so they ask.

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Ask.

Check in.

Be present for those who are in the throes of new motherhood.

Because they're most likely silently struggling.

Sobbing in the middle of the night and crying out..

“it's not supposed to feel this way”.

No, it's not. But it will. But it will be temporary and in the meantime, you feel it all. You experience it all. You're stretched and worn and loosened up and you start to take each minute for what it is and when you walk out on the other side with your battle scars you will see an entirely new woman who doesn't understand why she went through what she went through, but ready to share her experiences so that another young woman struggling will be able to know that it's normal to feel this way.

xoxo – ry

Hey friends!

So if I had waited until Hayden was actually three months old well.. it'd be 2024.

Hayden was born on the 29th of November which puts his 3 month mark at February 29th which just doesn't exist this year.

That being said, March 1st is technically his 31st day of life from his last mark so we'll just celebrate today.

It's honestly starting to sink in that I have a baby. Like a baby, baby. I no longer have a newborn, now I have a baby.

Everyday I'm noticing new things about him, it's kinda surreal.

Just this last month he's gone from all over the place to focused, determined and motivated.

He does his best to roll over, although he's not quite got it both ways, he's not far from it.

He's grabbing his feet every chance he gets.

He loves anything black and white and is mesmerized by high contrast images.

He loves to make his opinions known and is already a squealer. It's cute now but check back in with me in a few months...

It's been a hard month with my milk supply but we're trekking forward and his tongue tie will actually be revised at the end of this week so I'm hoping that helps a lot of our issues, although I am nervous. If you think of us on Friday say a little prayer for him.. and me. I know it's better for him in the long run to get it corrected now but I obviously don't want to put him through any pain.

This month has been far better emotionally. My depression eased up quite a bit and my anxiety is starting to subside. I honestly think the way that I've been eating and moving has helped immensely. I know for a lot of people that's not enough and that's totally okay, even for me, I'm on supplements to help support my brain function and I can tell when I'm off them, but I can also tell a big difference when I'm staying consistent with how I treat my body.

I've worked out a routine that works pretty well for us and it's helping me to get out of bed and get myself taken care of so I can take care of him. It's also helping me stay on track with work which has been completely sponsored and organized by Trello. I think I'd lose my mind without it.

That's all for his three month update! I'm treasuring every bit of this month before we hit the 4 month sleep regression which I'm not looking forward to one bit because I feel like I'm still not sleeping enough now. But, one day at a time, right?

As always, here's a little recap of Hayden's third month of life!

https://cinnamon.video/watch?v=529663027444712918

xoxo – Ry

Going off of this week's podcast episode I just wanted to say that I absolutely love seeing how passionate people are about fighting for other people to be heard and seen and healed. But I think often as Christians we forget to ask for discernment on how we're supposed to get involved and we quickly jump on bandwagons and click that share button before thinking twice and asking for discernment. I know I've been guilty of this.

Keep in mind before jumping into this, I'm speaking directly to Christians here. If that's not you, that's totally fine, just understand that I'm not holding you accountable to this belief system.

It's often assumed that of course God wants you to stand up and fight for His children and if you really were a Christian you would do “x, y and z”. That's really love, right?

Well, I want to challenge you on that.

When God says in Romans 12:19 “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” That's a pretty powerful statement.

If vengeance is His, I'd say we ought to ask Him before we try to steal that role away from Him. After all, He loves them more than you ever could. I truly believe there is power in prayer and if you're a follower of Jesus I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you believe in that as well. It's our direct landline to God after all.

So keeping that in mind, it should be on our minds to first, before we do anything, consult Whom who created the Earth and all of the people on it before we go and click share and get in Facebook fights and such. Right?

Should we not strive to utilize the tools we have?

Tools such as loving through listening, being prayer warriors, serving in whatever way we can, and turning the other cheek when people who don't understand God's love come after us.

All of these things are so vital to walking with Christ, and especially when it comes to how we treat one another.

It is vital that we remember how short our time on Earth truly is. We need to focus more on our eternal lives and less on our temporary ones.

How much more could we fight for those we care about then by showing them the love of Jesus and fighting for their souls? We were each called as followers of Christ to share the incredible news of Jesus. If we truly want people to be heard, seen and healed- we should be showing them the love of God. There is no better way to go to bat for someone.

You can disagree with me all you want, but this is Bible truth. This is the hard stuff. It feels off and it feels like holding back when we don't hop on the bandwagons, I know, I get it. Sometimes I share things I'm supposed to and sometimes I share things I'm not supposed to and I immediately know it and usually have to deal with consequences in one way or another. But the reality is that in the world we live in, it's going to be uncomfortable to stand up and proclaim the word of God, but we're called to it.

I encourage you that the next time you want to fight for someone, stand up to injustices- you seek God first. Ask Him for permission to speak and if so, the words to say, whom to say them to and when. Truly seek wisdom before sharing posts and joining the majority. Because at the end of the day it doesn't matter what people think about your or say to you for not getting all up in arms publicly about something that they want you to- it matters if you're obedient to what God is asking you to do. At the end of the day you answer to Him. Not your followers and friends and people you've never met before.

Here's the takeaway. Get in your Bible. Get on your knees and pray for people. Ask God to help you see people the way He see's them. Ask God to help you be someone that people can come to when they don't feel seen or heard. Ask God to grant you the words and the self awareness to take your eyes off yourself and put them back onto others who need to be served and ask God to humble you so that you don't try to put the glory back onto you. Serving and fighting for people isn't to make you look good and feel good about what you're doing and who you're helping, it's about them seeing the love of Jesus and what their life looks like on the other side of the temporary world we're living in.

I've shared a little bit more here in this video and given some practical steps of what to do when you're not sure what to do. I've also got all the scripture his is based on listed below so that you can do some studying yourself.

Please feel free to message me if you have any questions.

xoxo – Ry

https://cinnamon.video/watch?v=526093657804113775

Scripture mentioned:

1 Timothy 4:1

2 Timothy 4:3-4

2 Corinthians 5:17

Galatians 2:20

Ephesians 4:24

Colossians 4:6

Matthew 5:7

Ephesians 6:18

Psalm 46:1

1 John 3:16-18

1 John 4:7-8

Proverbs 3:5-6

Ecclesiastes 3:17

Hebrews 10:30

Proverbs 28:5

Amos 5:24

Psalm 37:27-29

Isaiah 61:8-9

Galatians 3:28

Romans 2:11

John 13:16

Acts 10:34-35

Ephesians 2:8

I'm not sure why I thought working from home with a baby would be in any way shape or form easy. It's not. It's actually the hardest thing I've ever done.

Especially right now when he is boycotting naps, my milk supply is not doing so hot so he's cluster feeding, he hates the swing & bouncer and screams bloody murder in a baby carrier. It's impossible. That leaves either me or Dustin to hold him and entertain him 24/7. Oh and did I mention the white noise? It's non-stop in this household.

Most days I'm snappy or on the edge because I'm just so overwhelmed. Childcare on the daily is just not an option and although we're making it work, I'm losing my ever loving mind.

That being said, through this I've made the realization that multi-tasking is a bunch of bs. If you want to do a task and do it well, you need to be entirely focused on that task. And in doing so, you'll actually save yourself far more time.

With Hayden, it can be frustrating to stop what I'm doing to focus solely on feeding and getting him to nap, but when I do, it only takes 15 minutes whereas if I'm trying to create a post, edit photos, get on my stories and feed him at the same time, we're both struggling, frustrated and it takes twice the amount of time that it would if I did both tasks separately and individually.

It's frustrating for someone like me who tends to jump to multi-tasking to get as much done as possible, but it's also a blessing in disguise because it forces me to slow down and have patience. I'm not saying I'm good at it, far from it in fact. It's something I'm trying to work at a little more and more each day. But I thought it was an interesting revelation.

So regardless of if you have kids or not, I encourage you to slow down and try to do one task at a time. You may just find that the quality of your work as well as your productivity improves exponentially. You may also find yourself doing less work because I find when I slow down and think through things I can find ways to eliminate unnecessary tasks that I wouldn't have realized to cross off if I hadn't taken the time to truly process what I was doing.

Here's to being more present and productive!

xoxo – Ry

What are you doing right now?

Not literally right this second, obviously you're reading. But in general, what are you doing with your life?

Are you in a season where things are busy but generally going well?

A time where you feel like you're non stop running but it's for a specific goal that will be so worth all of the exhaustion?

Or maybe do you feel like you're in a season of “bleh”. Where each day rolls into the next. Where you don't have a particular project or goal you're working towards. You're just going through the motions and waiting for something new to happen.

I feel like I was just in that season. The waiting.

I didn't have anything particular I could work towards because I was waiting for Hayden to be born.

I was going through the motions of day to day life and just getting done what had to be. It was hard because there were moments where I was perfectly fine just vegging out, having no place to be and watching tv all day.

But then there were days and moments where I would beat myself up and be so mad that I wasn't being productive or working towards any kind of goal. I was mad that I wasn't getting anything done or “accomplishing” anything in my life.

Little did I know I was setting myself up for a huge task.

In the moment I was upset that I was so complacent and I felt quite useless. But it wasn't until recently that I realized in order to be where I am now, in a season of busy, I had to be in that in-between season.

I had to rest my mind and my body and my soul.

I needed nothing new so that when it was time, the new would flow easily.

I needed to not think too hard and to relax and enjoy my muses. Because now, I am so full of ideas and concepts and words from that time of reflection and rest, I can hardly get it all out!

Now I find myself staying up until the wee hours of the night just to get my thoughts down.

I have three Trello boards right now just dedicated to content that I am creating and that I want to create.

I realize that if I hadn't had that in-between season I wouldn't be prepared for the jobs that I am stepping up to now.

So I encourage you, if you're feeling down, unproductive and generally “bleh”, consider what season you're in. Are you in the waiting place? The in-between?

If you are, try to embrace it. Don't think about it too much- that's the whole point. Just sit with it. Enjoy the rest and realize that before you know it you won't be able to shut off your brain. It'll take off and you'll be back in a season of hustle and busy until the next in-between.

Enjoy the in-between.

xoxo – Ry

As a new mama who's trying to figure out her up from down, I've found that it's been super helpful to establish a routine. Granted, it took some time because I'd try one way and it would not go well and then I'd try another way and it would work and I'd just keep adjusting it until I got it figured out.

I've settled on a routine that's been working really well for us and I thought it would be fun to walk you through what we do every morning. I think it's fun to look into other people's lives and I'd love to invite you into mine. And if you're a new mom or about to be, maybe this will help you figure out a routine that works for you and your baby!

xoxo – Ry

https://cinnamon.video/watch?v=523775442746869574

Join me and Hayden for another Morning Coffee on Cinnamon! This week I’m expanding a bit on my episode of the Solidarity Podcast where I shared my birth story & thoughts for the medical community.

I wanted to get a bit more vulnerable and go even more behind the scenes with thoughts and experiences I haven’t shared publicly before. I seriously had moments where I lacked significant faith & trust because things were just going so wrong and I was completely devastated.

I hope you can be encouraged and find some solidarity in my experience. 🤍

https://cinnamon.video/watch?v=521807252970013963

Xoxo – Ry

I know, I know. Email is.. well, on the technological scale- ancient history. That is until big tech censorship came into play.

I've never been an email person. They drive me crazy. I would always choose communicating on social media over communicating via email.

But now I've experienced 2020 and I saw influencer after influencer lose their platform to an insane overstep of *very choosy* censorship and ridiculous algorithms. Not only does it feel impossible to reach people, but you're constantly holding your breath that big tech won't go after whatever your niche is that day. We have to super careful about following or unfollowing people because at any point, even association can get you shadow-banned. It's even going around that they'll be going through your messages and posts from years ago to choose which accounts to keep around. (I've seen firsthand one of these things already.) For belonging to a group that shouts against “echo chambers” they're sure getting good at creating one.

That being said, I'm not taking my chances anymore.

I've decided to reignite my email list and treat it like the #1 thing I missed the most in 2020: coffee dates.

You know, when we used to show up to a public place with friends and update them on the happenings of our lives? Enrich each other's souls? Yeah, that.

Every Monday I'll be showing up with a quick word of encouragement and a little update with all of my content.

I think this is a great way to help my followers by delivering my content all in one little neat package.

One of my goals is to help people be more present with themselves and the world. Hopefully this will help people spend less time on social media because if you're not always waiting for the algorithm to finally show you a creator's content, it's just there for the taking, your phone sessions will be much shorter.

My goal is to do a weekly roundup and a short (200 words or less) encouragement with a weekly theme.

Especially as I'm starting to transition away from using Coil as my blog and social media is, well, super iffy for *alerts* because there's just SO much, if you want to keep following me I'd love to have you join my coffee dates list. I do respond to emails and I think it would be a fun way to keep in touch with all of ya'll.

If you'd like to join, click here to fill in your name and email and then you should get a confirmation email. Make sure to click the confirmation button and you'll be good to go! You'll get a quick welcome email and then you'll start hearing from me every Monday.

Let's bring email back, shall we?

xoxo – Ry

Interested in starting your own email list? I've tried a ton of different platforms but I've never loved one more than I love Flodesk. The interface is so incredibly simple, the templates are stunning and the workflows are so easy to set up. 10/10 recommend. I do have an affiliate link but it comes with a major bonus, 50% off your plan- forever. So instead of $38 a month, it's only $19. Sign up here to get that discount!