Meta Thoughts

Thinking about thinking. 🤔

What is it right now, that makes it so hard to see something beautiful? I am exactly where I don't want to be. I know I am not seeing that which is right in front on me.

I imagine it is a kind of addiction; wanting to escape some negative feeling, doing so by replacing it with a different, but somehow altogether worse feeling. A maze inside a prison.

The irony sits with me and mocks me. Having health, wealth and a loving family, I am beholden to this ideal of joy yet, not ever really seeing it.

I knew when I saw the headline, and the video of the first moments of George Floyd's death, it was wrong. What I didn't know, and am slowly learning, of how wrong I am.

My whiteness produces an inherit racism. As the current #BLM movement continues, I am learning about myself and the institutions that created, manipulated and curated it, and how I am a product of it and how my lack of knowledge and lack of intentional fighting against it, perpetuates it.

Here is the current list of videos, conversations, documentaries, podcasts and publications that I am working through to better create my own culture and understanding.



People to Research to Know More About


Hopefully I will continue the path and update this post as I learn more.

I have started to write this post at least three times. I kept thinking to myself, that no one needs another white-privileged voice pontificating on how life is currently, and how it should be.

Frankly I find myself, still not sure of what to say or how to say it. I sat down the other day and wrote down some thoughts through my tears. I have a blended family and a as a cis-white-male, I feel horribly un-equipped to give my teenage, mixed daughters a proper up-bringing on issues of black culture and history. We have had discussions and will continue to have an open dialogue on the current state of racism and intolerance, out int the world, and even down to my own heart.

That brings me to this post.

I have been reading and watching, with the rest of the world, these last few weeks and months of civil unrest. Not having appropriate words, trying to take a back seat and not wanting to be a dolt.

Then came the fallout for GAMA / Origins.

Then I read about Everything Board Games.

It has become very clear to me, that I must speak publicly on behalf of the small slice of the #fediverse I am a part of:

Black. Lives. Matter.

LBGTQ. Lives. Matter.

Trans. Lives. Matter.

I am horrified at the blatant racism and I am becoming even more horrified at the systemic racism built into so many structures and institutions.

Fuck racism. Fuck homophobia. Fuck transphobia. Fuck the patriarchy. is an instance that will do it's best to create a safe space for all, except those that don't stand for basic human rights.



I am trying to remove #SurveillanceCapitalism from my life. That means you won't find me on Facebook or Instagram, Snapchat or Twitter. I host my own email, calendar and file-sharing server. You can find me on these ethical social media platforms:

I know this sounds pretentious; I don't mean for it to be. I am just growing uncomfortable with how the large tech companies are growing in not just wealth, but power.

If you are interested learning about other alternatives check out

Photo by Max Sandelin on Unsplash

Not really sure when it started; probably when I began to have a sense of unrest at my last job. Lindsay (my wife) said something to me that resonated unlike anything had in a long time—“I think you are an idealist.”

I had never considered it. I had been struggling with the “ideals” at the time that were related to my work. There were ... issues. I needed to move; so I did. I landed a great job and in doing so, it gave me space to think about life and its direction.


I just couldn't stop thinking of that word, mostly because it was a word used in evangelical Christianity, it was always, people need to be more connected. In a way, they were right, but what does that mean?

Social Media

I know you have read the reports; being connected through social media actually makes us more depressed. It doesn't help that one of them actually tried to figure out if negativity in our online time-lines had an impact. Yes, it does. I have known internally, perhaps subconsciously, that social media was making me feel bad. I don't know how else to say it. Unfulfilled? Disconnected?

I also hated seeing the things people posted online too; I ended up not following anyone so my time-line was blank. I just ended up scrolling through feeds with no thought or actual meaningful interaction.

Frankly, social media is empty and you likely already know it.

There is a promise that I am still friends with the people I interact with on there; but the truth is this: spending time with people online will never take the place of face to face interaction. Friendship is face-time. It is just that simple.

Digital vs. Analog


Perhaps best understood as streaming versus owning1. I have a family membership to Spotify. I truly understand the marvel that is being able to listen to any music at anytime, anywhere. No limits. Amazing, right? Not quite.

Peaches Records and Tapes

Growing up, my friends and I used to go to Peaches in Altamonte and browse the CDs and cassettes. We would purchase CDs based on friends recommendations, art work and feelings. There was a process of curation involved. Decisions needed to be made. I had $15 dollars—“What should I buy?” There was commitment. Frankly, not every choice was good; I had a lot of CDs that were crap, but I spent effort in listening. Hell, I chose to buy it, I am going to damn well try to like it. Sometimes, it worked. I ended up liking music I didn't start out doing. There was discovery.


I have Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime and pretty sure I can watch anything I want to at anytime. How do I actually feel about TV/Movies lately? Boring.

Don't you remember going to Blockbuster? The selection process was brutal, almost competitive. People would walk through and browse, reading the back of the VHS boxes. Who directed this? Who stars in this? There is only 2 copies left-pick it up and take it with you so no one else gets it!

A similar thing happened. Effort was spent so you were invested. No one rented a movie to watch and brought it home and only gave it 10 minutes to capture you attention. YOU WATCHED IT. You paid for it. You decided.

More Choice Isn't Best

More can be choice bad. There is an episode of Mind Field2 that discusses the problem with more choices. Having more choices isn't better, a lot of times, it leaves you dissatisfied.


Lindsay and I call it my mid-life crisis; but phrase couldn't be further from the truth; I want to make. I want to decide. I want to spend effort. I want to build friendships. I started purchasing old stereo equipment to listen to CDs. I want to get up and turn the volume knob. I want to feel things with my finger tips; I started sewing.

Is this nostalgia? Perhaps. I don't think technology is bad; I think how some of us handle it is bad. I have lost a sense of self with all of it; and I want myself back. Being able to see how things affects others and oneself is important; and changing your life to be more rooted is good. Dare I say: connected.

Crisis averted.

1: I know the there are nuances between owning and copyright with music. Thoughts for another post.
2: Premium Youtube Account Required.

I have been using computers nearly all of my life. I remember when disks were floppy and kilobytes where large. I grew up thinking that computer technology was a tool for the people. What an obtuse statement; let me try again. I never thought that technology was anyone else's but my own. No different than a hammer—a tool that I could use to accomplish some task easier and better than if I didn't have it.

Technology is now owned by large corporations and it is leased to end users as a service.

I want to run my code on my hardware without the involvement of corporate tracking, I want to share my technology with my friends and family in a way that is safe, secure and doesn't have a Brand™ between us.

Open Tools

Email is a great example of a decentralized technology. Too bad no one uses it any longer. Too bad the easy way to use email is to get it as a free service that is monetized and tracked by third parties.

This leads me to the tools that people do use to communicate online. Mostly in my age-range, it is Facebook. I am getting tired of seeing how they are abusive to their user base. Part of the problem is how you sound like a crazy person trying to explain how dire the situation is no matter how right you are.

To this end I am trying to move to a more open computing experience personally. I have recently deleted my twitter account, moved to using Firefox as my primary browser, running my own email, calendar and file-sharing server and will hopefully begin the process of ending my Facebook account. It's doable, but does require effort.

While I am removing myself from certain websites, I am not “offline.” I can I easily be found and am quite active on the following sites: