sikkdays

Living in a Community

There's a cognitive distortion where some of us see things as black and white. This all or nothing thinking is polarizing, “you're with me or you are against me.” The truth is that emotionally things are far from right or wrong, bad or good, black or white.

I do not want to disappoint you. In reality, I will. I am human and we are far from perfect. Logically, I understand that you being disappointed in me is different from you wanting me out of your life completely. Emotionally, that does not fit. I've participated in groups, talked to therapists and psychiatrists. I can recite that fact about the difference of disappointment versus banishment. I am not sure that I believe it.

If the part of me that assumes I disappoint others was a movie villain, he would be a masochist. It's almost as if I seek out ways to find ways to convince myself that I am a burden and not enough. Funny aside, looking up “masochist” will reveal another term, Self-defeating personality disorder. A brief read and it looks like this term isn't even good enough to be in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders. Regardless, my point is that this is my doing and not the responsibility of others. I assume I am a disappointment and not wanted.

This is as difficult for others to grasp as it is for me to understand the opposite— we are not responsible for the emotions of others. You cannot make me feel sad. That's my brain chemistry and neural pathways. Just as you cannot influence my back pain or stomach ache, you cannot directly change my emotions. You can say, “This is not an attack on you. Next time you try to blog about emotions, double check your grammar.” I assume that I am a complete moron. My mind discounts the phrase, “this is not an attack” and focuses on that which fits into my personal narrative, I failed.

In personal relationships this is challenging. However, if I can communicate my struggles with loved ones who actively listen we manage. Friends and family are invested in me, just as I am in them. Professional relationships are somewhat more troubling. Perhaps I am mistaken, but it just isn't the job of my boss/manager/supervisor to help me through these things. So constructive criticism in this venue still feels hurtful and feeds that failure narrative. I am not enough.

I suppose one could argue that you can have leaders that are also friends. Again, it goes back to my own perception of the events. I screwed up again. I assume they will fire me soon.

I have been shadow boxing with my thoughts about returning to my volunteer role. When I think of the supervisors I worked with, I see looks of disappointment. I have had a number of conversations with them about my needs and being involved in mental wellness (with the work we do), the supervisors practice what they preach. I have let them know where my head is at and how I have these blinders on. I asked for more praise and reassurance that feedback is only to improve on what I am doing. Still, there is a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety associated with returning to the role.

Conversations with my former EMDR psychiatrist and therapist have brought me to a place where I believe I would be better off not returning to that role in the organization. I know that my anxiety gets in the way of serving those people who are depending on me.

Yet, my volunteer contract is nearly complete. Out of 192 hours, I only have 60 to go. Can I not just stick it out? Would it not feel good to finish what I started? I know that would make my partner happy. Of course, I am not responsible for her emotions. There is a chance that if I choose not to continue the contract she will be disappointed. She will also still support me and be there when I need her. I say that with the memorized performance of a talented actor. I wish I could feel it. What would it feel like to know that in my heart? Instead, I latch onto that which fits what I have been telling myself for years. You are a disappointment, Chris.

If you are interested in helping others with mental health you can donate to the fund raiser I am trying to participate in, Ride Don't Hide. Or you could sign up and participate to show support.

Where Is My Journal?

I fell off the journalling wagon, but why? There is a tendency to overthink these things.

My natural pattern of self-criticism is quick to point out fault and failure. As such, I want to explain away a void in journalling with shame. I also recognized I was overwhelmed over the past week. The overthinking kicks in and I wonder if journalling is helping me or if it is another venue for shame. Is it okay that I missed a few days or is this pointing to something else?

Stop.

Too much thinking has been achieved. Rewind. Break it all down.

I was overwhelmed over the week because of a project. That project was triggering that performative nature within me. 'I am not enough' so I must do the project perfectly to get praise from others because I am incapable of feeling gratitude towards myself. That pattern of perfection and performance is dialed in to feel that I am productive. Being productive is the internalized capitalism we are taught in the West. Maybe I will be enough if I get more done.

The issue at hand is not the journalling, but this desire to be productive. I drop things like meditation, journalling, self-care, and art to be productive. I put a lot of pressure on myself to finish a project last week. Additionally, I am still trying to help raise money through the Ride Don't Hide event. I dropped my activity in the event to 'focus' on the project. Realistically, I never dropped it and the event, like journalling became a new avenue for shame.

Journalling is helpful. I can continue to share my thoughts, even if they are 'positive' thoughts. Missing a day or more may be a sign that I have more growing to do, but it is not the end of the world that my mind proposes it is. Rather than ruminating on missing a number of days, I will try to focus on this moment.

It Has Always Been You

The Ouroboros is a circular symbol of a serpent eating its own tail. Is this self-efficient or self-destructive? Can it be both?

One common thread through the various mental health strategies I have tried is the idea that we are not in control of other people's emotions or actions. In fact, we are not in control of our own emotions. We can only choose how we react. Psychiatrists, self-help books, groups, and formal courses of cognitive behavioral therapy stress that change comes from within. A doctor can guide you, but you are the one really doing the work. I may not be able to choose whether or not I am angry, but I can choose the behavior of walking away versus throwing a punch.

We have agency, even in our internal, emotional world. No one can remove the tail from the serpent's mouth. The serpent is the only one with the ability to stop themselves. There's no magic pill, no secret therapy that will completely erase trauma. It is up to us to move forward ourselves. Unfortunately, this strategy aligns perfectly with the shame based philosophy that has been distilled in many of us, 'You have to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.”

At least for me personally, that ol' chestnut feels shameful. We know that systematic issues are prevalent in the world. In many cases skin color, financial worth, gender, sexual orientation, and race will actively prevent us from helping ourselves. Even if we set aside the systematic problems, I think I am not alone in seeing the phrase, “It is nobody's fault but your own” in the “bootstraps” mantra. Telling a child he will never graduate school is not a great way to motivate him to succeed. There's also resistance to 'pulling myself up” because if it were possible, I have already failed. I wouldn't be here to begin with if that strategy worked, right?

Psychiatry

Questions work far better than fortune cookie wisdom. Why am I struggling? I hate school. Why am I angry at the school? Exploring emotions allows us to accept and process them. This can clear our minds a bit more to then work on picking yourself up. Drilling down to the core of the issue is not something we are comfortable with. It is scary. The path of least resistance is assigning blame.

In my own journey, some of the shame and self-hate came from some childhood experiences of peer pressure. When the doctor reminded me that I was a child and did not know any better, there was a desire to blame others. My peers mistreated me. The adults around me never taught me to handle things properly. Again, the emotion was still there, anger. After sitting with the anger, allowing it to be without pushing it away or acting it out, I was then able to apply the strategy of agency. It's okay to be angry. It's natural and completely human. Now, I would like to move forward, and I can because nobody is forcing me to eat my own tail.

This is super difficult work. There's a tendency to want to leave the past in the past. Yes, I got upset, but today is a new day. That's the path of least resistance again. It is not a flawed thought, but one must determine how they feel about that thought. Am I now mad at myself for remembering that time I got upset? Is there still some anger here today? Am I okay with feeling angry? Or, perhaps I am here in the present. Perhaps, “Yes I got upset,” is me telling myself that I accept my emotions.

Body scans are really good for those of us who do not have a lot of experience with noticing and labeling our emotions. If I am clenching my jaw while thinking that today will be a new day, that means I might have some anger inside me. If my neck and shoulders are relaxed, and my chest feels uncharacteristically open it is safe to think I am being mindful and moving forward in the present.

A bit of a ramble today. I had what felt like a run-in with the bootstrap bullshit today. I felt like I wasn't being heard. However, I may have been not listening well either. Goes to show that I might apply the asking questions advice externally as well.

Be curious, not judgemental.

Embracing Challenge

I feel like a trope. I am a living, breathing sitcom joke. The way I push back against household chores or actual paying work is the stuff of bad television shows. My habit of making things “have tos” permeates everything.

I have a task at the moment and a deadline of ASAP. I worked hard on it last week and through the weekend. I set aside my cycling for mental health goals because I “have to” do this work. My jaw has been tight for four days. Things that may bring pleasure or any self-care ideas are only fuel for shame. I should be done with my work already so that I can enjoy myself.

Like a cancer, my mind absorbs the joyful things and makes them “have-tos.” Rather than enjoying a dog walk in nature and relaxing with the bird songs and the breeze on my face, the walk becomes something I must do. Like the star of an 80's sitcom, I hate my job and it has made me bitter about everything.

There are layers here. I do have some sense of them. I am afraid of failure. Procrastination and frustration come from the same place, shame. I have been taught that shame is a motivator. Thinking “I cannot enjoy myself until I finish my work” is supposed to motivate me to finish. However, it just demoralizes me. I have done it for 40+ years and gotten comfortable with the narrative that I do not deserve enjoyment or success.

If I see work and tasks as “have-tos” I can project my emotions onto others like a boss or a family member. I will imagine that they are disappointed with me. Once again, it is shame.

My mind turning everything into a “have-to” means I will not experience any unfamiliar emotions. I could not handle experiencing happiness after completing a task and then failing a different task the next day. This wall, a guard I cannot let down protects me from disappointment in myself. The hills and valleys of a natural, emotional life are too jarring for me. I'd rather stay in the valley, it is predictable.

In this way, I avoid embracing challenges and feeling accomplished when I overcome them. The cancer of shame taints everything and I become robotic. I am singularly focused on finishing work. If I meet a deadline, I feel as if I miscalculated my estimated time and feel shame for that.

There is a glimmer of something else in art. In the process of painting, creating and shaping my artwork I feel hope. I see joy. I let go of perfectionism. Shame will poke its head into my artwork. Shame tries to compromise with me and tries to convince me to make art a hustle. Sell your artwork. To do that you must produce more, daily. Yet, it does not ooze its way into the actual process. There, I enjoy the challenge.

It's a difficult balance. There are things that “have-to” be done. There are legitimate reasons to set aside art, like a paycheck. Those genuine needs are where shame thrives. You are not doing enough and do not deserve the hope and joy of art. Get back to work. Biologically, this is a group of neurons that have created a super highway within my brain. “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” The plasticity of the brain is well documented and change is possible. Unfortunately, it will not happen overnight and I call it a super highway because those neurons have wired together 40+ years. Time will be necessary for healing. Shame will always live within my mind. It would be nice if I could trim that super highway into a rural road, though. Perhaps accepting and embracing challenges is one way to do that.

Asleep

The time is 1 am. Suddenly, I am awake. It is as if I went to bed at 4:30 pm. My body is awake as in, “let's start the day.” Though, I only went to bed 2.5 hours ago. What is happening?

I have struggled with insomnia for most of my life. It comes and it goes and lately I have let it keep me company. Then, exhausted and able to do nothing but sleep, I was done with this month's episode of insomnia.

Or not.

At 2:30 am I went back to bed, but what got me up in the first place? Recent journaling here and therapy has me looking inward. Perhaps my insomnia is a result of my insecurity. What do I gain from being awake when everyone else is asleep? Peace and quiet. There are no expectations to meet and no one to disappoint. Is the insomniac Chris the real me? Without the fear, anxiety and shame, I can just breath and relax.

Could I really be awake for me, similar to Revenge Bedtime Procrastination that I spoke of before in my blog? Trying to please everyone else all day because I do not believe I am enough and seek approval from others has led to me to putting on a performance. In the evening, when everyone else is sleeping I can eat that pint of ice cream, watch that horrible reality show, and self-harm without anyone knowing. I do not have to be “on.”

Unfortunately, the evening makes way for the morning. Then, I am left exhausted. This is 'beneficial' in two ways. First, it is a form of self-sabotage. My mind foggy and my body drained, makes accomplishing things difficult. Secondly, This failure to perform is fuel for my shame. It is my fault that I stayed up late. I am to blame. I do not deserve success.

I went to bed at 10:30 pm. I was unable to keep my eyes open. Too many nights where I stayed up until 2 am or 4 am. Finally, my body says, “no more.” Yet, my mind gets me up at 1 am. It's time to relax. It is time to sit in the dark and just be me. Maybe some day I could introduce that person to people in the day time. Perhaps I have already once or twice. Next, I need to either remember this issue every time I have the urge to stay awake late at night, or forget I ever had this conversation with myself. I know which of these options I have chose in the past.

Wired for Trauma

It is my understanding that alcoholics can actually die if they do not have alcohol and need to be weaned off the drug. This is our brain, it adapts to a situation and goes with it. Like wild animals that lose the ability to forage and hunt because humans have fed them, our minds are also susceptible to the environment.

Biologically, our brains have evolved to ensure our safety. Ancestors learned to avoid dangers like poisonous plants and ferocious wildlife by first-hand experience. Just as a toddler learns never to touch a hot stove top after trying one time. The memory is burned into the neurons.

Today there are still plenty of dangers, however many of us live far more comfortably than our ancestors. The biological system still exists and comes at us in new ways. To protect ourselves from a boss' wrath we've learned to work late. Our protection system works overtime to shield us from emotional pain and maybe even emotional pleasure.

I was walking the dog and thinking about a recent misunderstanding. Pardon me if I cannot recall exact details to create a better story. As a misunderstanding it was cleared up once myself and my partner communicated. There was no need to be upset. Yet, we cannot control our emotions only how we react to them. That emotional trigger locked the event in my head like a hot stove. As I walked the dog, my chest tightened thinking I better never do that again. We resolved the issue. However, I seemed to have retained the trauma of the misunderstanding anyway.

I had to tell myself the story of the misunderstanding again, but it was like reciting a script I had seen for the first time to my brain. It was numb. The emotional reaction and charge was all in the first 'negative' reaction, do not do that again!

As I said above, the story is not a great one without more concrete details. Unfortunately, I cannot recall them at the moment. I only know the anxiety and fear I felt. It still follows me. Have I bottled up the misunderstanding in hopes to ignore it? Did my chat with myself during the dog walk help to take the charge away and that's why I don't remember? Or, am I going to be transported back to that space and emotional feeling the next time something similar happens?

Biologically, I am wired to protect myself. My neural pathways have taken this factor to superhuman levels. It is one thing to recall the trauma of my father's death and quite another to hold onto trauma of a simple misunderstanding. I can hope that I may have processed the trauma from the recent event. Though, I know that my brain has a sixth sense that detects when I have done something wrong. It retains anything that may be construed as 'proof' of my incompetence. I seek that information out. Sometimes it feels like my body and mind need it like a drug dependency. My sixth sense is shame.

Privileged Patterns

I feel like a petulant child. There's a real resistance to tasks I see as “have to.” Walking the dog is often a healthy experience, but I am required to do it. Thus, I put it off and procrastinate.

This seems like a common theme or pattern for me. At least, that's the critical part of me seeing this. If I “have to” ride my bike this month for charity it becomes difficult to do. Does that not seem like the ugly head of privilege?

Additionally, this is compounded by my tendency to put myself in can't win situations. I may feel less inclined to make a planned dinner for friends because it is a “have to,” but if it happened spontaneously my anxiety would jump me like a mugger in an alleyway.

Anxiety is part of this “have to” business. I am afraid. A “have to” is an expectation I can fail. I will fail. I do not think I am enough. How does one fail at walking the dog? My mind, the neurons in my brain are very practiced at making every task a burden. This is depression. This is trauma. This is how the simple and sometimes rewarding experience of walking a dog becomes charged with failure.

This is a familiar space for me. I can often subconsciously self-sabotage. My jaw is tight and my chest is constricted in fear that I will not meet an expectation. And so, I do not try. I fail.

I am used to feeling that pain in my chest and my jaw. It is familiar to feel like I am not enough. For my mind and body that have learned to be in pain, that unfamiliar feeling of success is more scary. Should I successfully accomplish a task, I think I will forever be expected to do it in the future. Those seconds of pride and joy will disappear and I will be left in the void with my pain. So, why bother?

It is interesting to read how I am dealing with this. There's a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality coming out. I call myself a petulant child and privileged. These observations can be true as well as the fact that it is not healthy to feel this way about myself.

Acceptance and self-compassion, where are you? I could really use your help.

I do not want to go too fast and burnout, especially since I am having trouble cycling after only a week. However, it may be time to add meditation to the journaling and exercise mix.

Anxious Avoidance

Comedian Tom Papa said it's hard being an adult in his recent standup special. I met some people at a podcast conference one year that were doing a podcast on 'adulting.' When I think of that term, I think about those adult things like paying bills. I know I am not the only one who avoids those adult matters until the last possible minute. Especially those expensive tasks, like getting quotes to fix your HVAC or get a new roof put on the house. It's draining to have to jump through the hoops. Perhaps this is the real lesson from university, if it is uncomfortable, put it off.

Unfortunately, living with anxiety means just about everything is uncomfortable. When my partner brought up vacation time that she has coming up my jaw tightened and my heart raced. I wanted to escape. Avoid the discussion because I am afraid of the unknown. Similar to the anxiety caused by the unknown estimates I would receive to get the HVAC fixed.

If I take the time to dig deeper, there's much more to this. Firstly, I do not deserve time off because I am not doing enough. Second, efforts to do more cannot be scheduled or happen if I am on a vacation. Third, I am to return to my volunteer position around the same time she has vacation.

There's a peer pressure, that is really my internal voice and not necessarily from peers that drives me to follow through. If I say to someone, eventually I will bungee jump, I feel ashamed until I take the leap. I fear people are judging me for lying. In all truth, it is me and some all or nothing thinking. Additionally, this is how I have motivated myself for years, shame. So when I told a friend recently that we would get together next month, I feel like I cannot because of the vacation time. I cannot continue with my progress jornaling, and building my art portfolio and site because I will be on vacation.

Finally, my volunteering is a sort of distress for me. I've had time off, but that ends soon. I don't think I am ready to go back. Is it one of those things that feels this way, but once I am there I will be just fine? Or, am I really burned out and done with it because it is a source of trauma? Can it be both? I think it may be. I feel that it may very well be.

There are rational solutions here. I can simply move plans to get together with friends. I can return to my artwork after vacation. I can have further conversations with my volunteer supervisor. Emotionally, those sound awful. I want to crawl under the covers and disappear.

Weekend Worries

I think the feeling that I am not enough is similar to imposter syndrome. Somehow, I have fooled the world in the past Monday through Friday that I am a competent being like the rest of them. Now that it is the weekend, I want to crash. I am spent. This is what some 'regular' hard-working folks do, right? You work so hard and when the weekend comes you relax. Of course, there are others, like my partner, who want to make the most out of a day off. As an imposter, this means I still have to be 'on.'

I do not deserve to relax because I haven't done enough throughout the week. I didn't hold down a 40+ hour job and take care of my family. The things I did in the week seem minimal compared to what I think the rest of you have done. However, if you're relaxing on the weekend, I can do that too without looking like the awful, waste of humanity that I am.

Perhaps, I am especially anxious this weekend because there are plans to be social with some people to support pride. New people means getting to know them and talk about myself. Since I do not like me, it is not something I like to chat about.

My jaw is tight. I am afraid. I can spin it to anger at myself because the only constant in all of this is me. This is my fault. Now, I have a hollowness in my chest. I am sad after reading what I wrote.

Strategy vs. Shame

I started journaling again because it was somewhat successful in the past. Connecting with my feelings rather than ignoring or going numb made me somewhat lighter. There was another tool that worked in the past, the calendar.

This is another difficult thing for me, like journaling. Here, letting out the feelings and thoughts that bombard me, can be painful. Am I purging the harmful thoughts or am I giving them voice? The calendar is similar because any unfinished tasks become avenues for shame.

The reality is that shit needs to get done. So, using a calendar to schedule things isn't all bad. It can lessen anxiety. Like journaling, it can free space in my head. I do not need to worry about giving the dog a bath today because it is on the calendar for next week. Let's concentrate on today.

When I write out my plans for the week I do pretty well. My strategy is sitting down on Sunday or Monday and just making that horrible, shame-filled to-do list on one side of my notebook. Then, I prioritize things on the other side of the notebook into the days of the week. I reality check that I am not taking on too much or that I have ample time for tasks. For example, taking the car in for an oil change could take 40 minutes or 2 hours depending on how busy they are. So, I better not dump other time consuming or questionable commitments on that day.

Anxiety makes this a tenuous strategy, but it can work until it stops. We all have those weeks, right? The ones where nothing goes to plan, or we find appointments we have no control over have piled up in the same week. Things come crashing down for me then. Hard. The shame sucker punches me, throws me down some stairs, and curb stomps my mind.

One thing I learned was to give myself a day, perhaps Friday, that is unplanned. This way, if something comes up and changes my calendar I have a buffer to move things into.

My calendar this week went well. There were no issues. Shame would like to pop in here and say that means I should have done more. In fact, this is why today's journal is happening. I am ashamed that I didn't do more. It is Friday, an open day! What should I do? Freeze. Crash. Shame. This is the dark side of my strategy.