sikkdays

Angry If You Do Angry If You Do Not

The psychiatrist sits back in the chair, steeples their hands and pauses before speaking, “Do you think you had the right to be angry in that situation?” Then, they relax their hands and posture to add, “Would someone else in your situation be mad?”

This is a classic “we cannot control our emotions, but we can choose how we react” teaching moment. It is okay to be angry. It is not okay to take a baseball bat to your neighbor's car. It makes sense on a rational and personal level. Complexity comes within the relationship, there are two people in the situation. You can spare your neighbor's car, but that doesn't stop the behavior that angered you in the first place. You can gently and maturely speak to the neighbor, but there is no guarantee things will change. And, you have to start over at the beginning. It's okay to be angry that it didn't work out, but we can still choose not to pick up the baseball bat.

Last night, I was rude to my partner. She left a water bottle on its side in the entryway and it leaked all over several things. To me, my spouse could have easily prevented this by closing the open lid and setting it upright. I was angry. I don't think I shouted, but I was dramatically holding an inquisition with my words.

My spouse felt horrible. She visibly slumped and got very quiet. I think she was then frustrated with me. Suppressing the anger is bad for me, but expressing it made things worse. Perhaps if I go back to suppressing anger I will only be harming myself and no one else.

Anger is commonly seen as a 'negative' emotion. Many of us do suppress it and have no idea what to do with it when it comes up. We often associate anger with violence. So it must be contained. Again, anger is an emotion, violence is a behavior.

So what do we do with anger?

Help in the form of therapy and groups is called 'anger management.' Is it just me, or is that uninspiring? We do not call it cancer management, we call it cancer treatment. Sure, we cannot treat emotions, but I thought I was supposed to be accepting them, not managing them. Isn't suppression a form of management?

Some call anger a secondary emotion. This idea that anger is hiding another emotion. So I am insecure and a pathetic excuse for a human. Am I trying to take my partner down a notch to make myself feel better? I certainly didn't feel great afterwards.

Imaginary psychiatrist leans forward in the chair and repeats the mantra that is now drilled into me like some sort of national anthem. It's all memorization and zero feels, “We're not responsible for other people's emotions.” Golf clap, you expressed your anger! Her reaction is her issue. Hmm. I mean it is a fair argument. I cannot control my own emotions, I surely will not be able to control the feelings of others.

There was real pain inside me when I realized that I upset her with my tone. I passed my emotional distress to her and got it back two-fold. It would seem anger for me is a a question of communicating my feelings, but also accepting the results. There was a lot of 'I should not have reacted that way and I wish I could take it back like it never happened.' Even now, after journaling, I do not feel much better. If only I could have done something different. If I keep thinking that way, I am not really accepting where I am at, huh?

sigh

I guess it takes practice? The more I learn to communicate anger in a less harmful way, the better I will get?

Shame Feels Absolute

I had a difficult EMDR session yesterday. It was very hard to tap into the fear and self hate because that's the road to suicide thoughts. Hence, my Little Suicide talk in the last journal. In fact, the particular memory we explored in therapy was the one that unequivocally led to my loss of the will to live and eventual hospital visit.

I think today there is some residual defiance leftover. I do not want to explore emotions today. I want to get on with my to-do list, accomplish things in hopes it will make me feel good. This is a familiar pattern. This is my neural superhighway, a neural pathway that I have fed in my brain for so long that it is a highway. Be numb, do stuff, get positive vibes from others, still feel shame, burnout.

Okay. Where am I emotionally? Deep breath.

I am anxious. There's a training course I have to attend this evening for the distress line volunteering I do. I am currently on a break from volunteering, I think I burned out. I am terrified of going back. My confidence that I can help others is shot. One perspective is that there are staff listeners who help us through calls as needed. My view is that they are critics, parents, teachers, and friends that I will fail. Their job is to literally help me be a better volunteer. It is natural that they will tell me how I can do better in the next call. To me, it is painful. I absorb the honest critique and feed the shame that's been growing inside me for 40+ years.

I am ashamed today, as well. Yesterday was the first day of Ride Don't Hide, a fundraising event for the local Canadian Mental Health Association. I took a break from the distress line, but volunteer to be on the committee for the event. I rode my bicycle yesterday, day 1. There's a whole month ahead of me. There are 29 days for me to fail.

This brings me to anger. That part of me that knows I will fail is furious. The name-calling and hate clenches my jaw. Why am I so pathetic? Why can I not be like others who seemingly are flawless? They are not facts. These thoughts are not reality. Inside my body, in my mind, they are absolute.

Hard Wired & Homeless

As I continue to deal with the shame and infinite to-do list I see a concern around stubbornness?

I don't really like calling this situation stubborn, it just feels like once I get a thought, I cannot shake it. Perhaps stubborn is a good description. It is a strange experience that I am not sure I can elaborate on. It sounds trivial when I write it out, but here goes. An example from last night, I thought I might have a mini ice cream sandwich after dinner. My partner brought out some Twizzlers and we each had 2. At 3am, I woke up to go to the restroom and I could not get back to sleep. I had to go to the freezer and eat that mini ice cream sandwich.

That's just one example, it's not all about food cravings. If I think tomorrow is the day that I will vacuum and something in the family comes up, I really struggle. I do drop my plans, but it is like a multidimensional critter is chewing on my brain until I vacuum. I harbor anger that I didn't get to do it. There's the sense that I am being judged for not doing it, not having it already done. This is that people pleaser in me. I want to be all things for everyone. I want the gratitude and love from others because I do not give it to myself. No one can meet the expectations I have set on myself.

There's also some control issues here. It common for people with anxiety and depression to have issues around control. The anxiousness leaves us feeling completely out of control. We cannot predict what will happen next and that causes anxiety. So we look to set things in stone. I want things to be predictable to calm my anxiety and people please. Being stubborn or hard wiring my next step is ensuring that I get a predicted outcome.

Sometimes, that outcome may be negative, but the important part is that I expected it. This is a way to negotiate my emotions, to stay numb. In many cases, I even perform self-sabotage subconsciously.

The Little Suicide

I do not know if I have shared this before, but I have often dreamed of being homeless. When the basic human biology of staying alive disappeared, I went to the hospital. The feeling of peace because I wanted to die scared me. I've always been afraid to talk about mortality. I cannot accept that one day I won't have a thought. That I am not here forever. Even typing this has brought me anxiety.

With that fear back thanks to therapy and medication, whenever I get suicidal ideation I think of other ways to harm myself. I think of other ways to die and be less of a burden. I often think I should be homeless. Many people avoid the homeless. They are something we'd rather not see, human suffering. We're taught to devalue them because they aren't working hard enough. Homeless people seek handouts from us hard working capitalists.

If I were to disappear into the streets, I would be invisible. I would no longer be a burden. Governments rarely even help homeless. It's all religious groups and charities. I would no longer bring pain to those around me with my poor choices and broken mind. There would be no expectations. My pain would be physical from hunger, lack of sleep, and from the physical elements. That I could understand far easier than the psychological pain. This is why I sometimes think of being homeless as a little suicide. Bonus points because I could still get my psychological pain (shame) from not having the courage to take my own life.

Disjointed Musings on Core Beliefs

I am still overwhelmed with all the tasks that should be finished. I did make some progress yesterday. As I wrote about before, the shame is telling me to do more. No time to be happy about accomplishing much yesterday, do more.

I am always playing catch-up. Perhaps I am trying to make up for some failure in the past. Trauma has my body reliving that failed moment over and over again every time? My jaw is tight. I am frustrated. I am angry that I cannot fully figure this out. There's some social comparison happening. I see others in my life free of these issues in my thoughts.

A deep breath. Thoughts are not facts. My mind is a social network feed of everyone living their best lives. Yet, friends in my life are not free of burdens. Like social media, my mind is curating the details. The shame is using social comparison to 'motivate' me. This is something I know well. Shame is my absolute motivation tool. While some therapists that I have talked to have been giving me the branded advice 'Just Do it,' my mind prefers, 'Don't fuck it up.'

Why can I not catch-up with my to-do list? Why is my list an infinity of unfinished tasks? It is never enough because I am not enough. Something here clicks. Making that connection between the endless task list and my core belief, 'I am not enough' somehow makes me feel lighter. Tension in my jaw has gone down.

There's a curiosity, possibly motivated by the shame, around this connection. I have been working on 'I am not enough' in my EMDR treatments. How is that core belief still so active? Am I doing EMDR wrong? Am I lying to the psychiatrist in the sessions?

My experience and past volunteer work has taught me a lot about the Autonomic Nervous System. This is the on/off switch inside us that has rest/recover/tend/befriend on one side and fight/flight/freeze on the other. One of the ways to reset this part of the nervous system is from the bottom up. When we are in fight/flight/freeze the nervous system engages us physically. Muscles tense, breath becomes shallow, and all the other changes to help us defend ourselves in an attack. Working from the bottom up, I can do some deep breathing or meditation to reset the Autonomic Nervous System to get back to rest/recover.

Perhaps my core belief of I am not enough is in the process of being changed by EMDR, but like the Autonomic Nervous System there are many parts to a core belief. That mantra of 'I am not enough' may be less charged emotionally for me, but the processes that it triggers are still active. 'I am not enough' equals motivation to finish the infinity to-do list in my mind. The tasks (not all of them) are a reality. They do not disappear with the change of my core belief. So when I start doing things on the to-do list, I am traveling from the bottom up to 'I am not enough?'

I Whine about Me

So much discomfort. I think I may be somewhat familiar with my needs now? I am not meeting them.

There's a desire that's been inside me for the last week, Be Creative. Painting, crafting, and building has been therapeutic. It feels different when I am creating. Unfortunately, the desire becomes a should. While I need to get ready for an install of new blinds tomorrow, I want to create. There's a recharging that happens when I am creating. Then, when I put it off for so long, it becomes evidence for shame. I cannot seem to enjoy the process. It becomes about the finished product.

Finished product is a should. It's the world of gig economy. Let's all hustle for ourselves. Could I sell my artwork and creations? Hey! Let's try! Just like that, it becomes less about the mysterious feelings that occur in the process and more about the product.

I have spent the entire pandemic saying, “I should put my artwork up online to sell it.” There's not enough art if it starts to sell. I should do more. What if it doesn't sell? How will that affect my mental wellness. Thus, I am frozen again. Sometimes it feels like I am wired for shame like some are wired for coffee. Today is a Sunday, what can I beat myself up about today? I need my fix.

There's a real desire to cry. I want to crawl into bed and try again tomorrow. However, I have to take care of the outside world today and tomorrow. I do not deserve time to grieve. There is physical pain in my body, but I cannot pinpoint exactly where because I am so used to numbing this feeling.

Passive-Aggressive To-Do

The list beckons. A written to-do list is merely a bookmark for the ongoing burden in my mind. There's an endless list moving through my neurons, all the shoulds from a lifetime.

Trauma can often leave people stuck in the moment when they were traumatized. Someone pulled the fire alarm and 30 years later it is still wailing. Therefore, I wonder if the Infinity Should List that is my mind has dropped tasks into the fire. No matter what I accomplish, there is always more to be done. I cannot stand back and look at clean dishes. I am off doing the laundry while thinking about 'how behind I am' with 4,682 other projects/ideas/chores. Looking at my screen as I type this, I realize I need to upgrade the hard drive on our family desktop because it is close to full. That task has been in the to-do pile for 2 years, at least. Everywhere I look is an unfinished chore. That text message from a friend is a reminder that I didn't sit down and make a card for another friend, like I told myself I would.

Writing a daily journal to explore my feelings was on the list, I did it for two days and this morning I was already feeling that I should spend my time better. The living room, dining room, and kitchen need to be cleaned because someone is coming to install blinds in 2 days. If I sit down to type, I might not get up. I am a lazy piece of garbage.

The dichotomy of “must prove to myself I can do it” and “I am garbage” is part of the ongoing cycle. Should I set a goal and accomplish it: Why didn't I do it sooner? Oh because I am garbage. Of course, if I do not reach my goal it proves I am garbage as well. Thus, I freeze. Why try? It results in pain.

I put off today's journal until I knew I would be interrupted. We had plans to take the dog to the park, so I sat down to start writing as my spouse was getting ready. When she was ready to go, I dropped the thoughts and dashed off. Once again, I put myself in the position where I would be unhappy. I should have written sooner. Now, I get to beat myself up about it. I should have said to my spouse, “I have identified that journaling is important. Can I have 20 minutes before we leave?” Instead, I stopped writing. I jumped to secure her happiness, I thought. Now, I can feel ashamed for not journaling and not speaking up about it.

There's a part of me that I very much dislike. There is a passive-aggressive tendency that I have a lot of difficulty recognizing. If I mention the incident to my partner now, there is a possibility that she will feel guilty. Thereby, transferring some of my guilt and shame to someone else. This may result in sympathy for me. I imagine that feels good because I rarely have sympathy for myself.

I have picked up on some of my passive-aggressive behaviors. I do a lot of teasing of those around me. I always have. It seems that some people believe I have a decent sense of humor. However, I noticed some of my teasing is a passive-aggressive, unflattering comment disguised with a smile and a chuckle. Comedy roasts only work when everyone knows it is a roast.

The reason I seem behave this way is out of fear. I do not want the spotlight on me. I do not want to give direct communication to someone because what if they do not like what I say? I will make a joke instead.

My friends and family around me may have experienced my passive-aggressive nature, or they haven't noticed. The issue is mine. Those teasing jokes are feeding my shame. They are reinforcing the neural pathways that are thriving on pain. I can ruminate about things I should not have done and said. And, the cycle continues.

Journal to the Center of the Chris

There are upside and downside of journaling.

In terms of fight/flight/freeze, I am in freeze 24/7. I have lived most of my life numb. Star Trek Vulcans, like Spock, were my inspiration. When therapy started, I didn't know how to label my feelings. I was unaware and felt dead inside. It was safe.

Eventually, I broke. I completely lost control and the pain was so much that I wanted to end my life. When I composed myself, I went back to the unfeeling path. It was familiar. Writing became a way to make sense of my emotions and thoughts.

I found journaling in the morning was a way to relieve anxiety. I wrote morning pages to find some emotional balance and list my many, many, many, worries. Putting them on paper would sometimes illustrate how outlandish the fear was. Other times it helped to prioritize my day. I did it for months and then something changed.

I started journaling in the evening to find gratitude. I wanted to remind myself of what I had accomplished. It's natural, like biological, that we as humans retain negative experiences. This protected our ancestors in life and death situations. It protects children today. The old chestnut is the idea of a toddler touching a hot stove. Remembering the burning sensation stops them from doing it again. Unfortunately, this biological necessity has not evolved with society. So stressful things like a simple meeting with one's boss about your development plan for the future feels like it is punitive. Thus, I started to try to write out the things I was grateful for at night. The process is popular and does help many people.

The downside of my morning pages and gratitude journal is the one thing they have in common, me. Morning pages were helpful in relieving anxiety. There is power in talking to someone or journaling. For example, a fear about finding a parking space downtown for tomorrow's interview can feel close to a panic attack for me. Writing it out, I see there are options. I can park further away, arrive earlier, etc. In my head, it's just the fear and panic.

On the flip side, I felt morning pages were giving voice to that shame, fear, and self-criticism. I would free-write in those journals, just writing whatever was flowing out of my head. For example, at this very moment I am feeling very self-conscious about that “parking space” example above. It sounds so stupid. And yet, that is something I have had extreme anxiety about in the past. I am stupid. I must sound like a complete mess to anyone reading this. Letting the shame out in this way was only helpful if I was able to move on. If not, opening this door in the morning would really ruin the rest of the day.

The evening gratitude journal had a similar affect. What I find when I am able to be productive is an insatiable need to do more. Setting a goal to accomplish 3 things in the day and then sitting down at night to remind myself that I did all 3 was a short lived celebration. I should have done more.

Will journaling this time be different? What can I do to ensure that? I do not know. I only know that I have been numb again. I have been shutting down. Here, I can try to label my emotions. Perhaps I can log the body sensations as well. Maybe journaling (for me) is not about abolishing that shame and anxiety. Perhaps it is more about my emotions and learning how to accept them.

For Others

Sometimes I wonder about disassociation. I was reading The Body Keeps The Score and the author wrote about an aunt that would come and visit. The author shared that their aunt cooked, cleaned, reorganized things and took care of the children during the visit. Conversation with her was barely at a surface level. On the day that they took her to the airport, the author hugged their aunt and she cried. She told the author that it must be the weather change. In the author's opinion, their aunt was unable to understand her own emotions. She busied herself by taking care of others. He believed many who have suffered trauma react in this way. Disassociating with their own emotions and sensations because they are too painful, some people look for that outward praise.

I will gladly drop anything for those around me. I cannot prioritize my needs or desires. When I do, I feel as if I am selfish and do not deserve my needs met. Shame, my old friend, drives this bus.

In fact, I come here today because I had an appointment with my therapist and conversation turned to journaling. I mentioned the success that I had with it in the past and talked myself into doing it again. Before, I would often write in a journal and never read it. However, I thought this time I might try doing it here on my Write.as blog. Perhaps sharing my story can help others? And, just like that, this is an act I am performing for others, not me.

There's some fear, I guess, in taking care of myself. Some perfectionism wanting to do the right thing. As I get older, the clock ticks away and I cannot even give thought to going back to school because “it is too late.” This puts more pressure on getting things right. “What's that? You want some help moving? Sure, I'll be right there.” You know what you want and I am glad to help. I am happy to avoid these uncomfortable thoughts about doing what's right for me.

I feel so very cringe when I am asking for something. Every single time it is a visceral disgust in myself. I am sure others feel similar and that I am not alone. Though, interpreting my emotions is very new to me. So, I don't think I am really explaining how...painful it is to ask for something for me. It's not just awkward, it really hurts. In addition, it feeds my shame. The shame grows stronger. Those neurons in my brain take up more space and coil around everything but those default processes like breathing. So far, anyway.

Like so many situations in my life, this feels very cyclical. I put myself out there to get gratitude from others because I am incapable to do things for me. Eventually, I burn out. I retreat to ice cream, chocolate, insomnia, distraction, and peeling my skin or biting my nails. Then, I wake up one day feeling selfish. The cycle starts over.

Even after the courses, groups, training, psychiatry, and EMDR, I identify the cycle, but seem to still be in it. I know, rationally. that self-care or doing things for me is not selfish. Internally, emotionally, that feels absolutely wrong. It is nauseating pain when I think that I could be as important as anyone else.

The Season Between

There is a void between Winter and Spring. The trees remain lifeless and decaying leaves are pasted to the anemic grass like papier-mâché. The dust, dirt, and refuse collected by the snow throughout winter is molded into the landscape. The muted tones of the environment make it impossible to distinguish a blade of grass from a flower stem. This purgatory is depression.

The unnamed void between the seasons in an anxious time. A glimmer of sunshine can quickly morph into a snow storm. Thus, I have taught myself to distrust the sun. I will not believe its lies of a better tomorrow. The snowfall and the expectation of it numbs me. I know what hides beneath the fluffy blanket of snow, my colorless purgatory.

There is a temptation to hope for a rain to wash away the decay and have a fresh start. Unfortunately, the rain transforms the landscape into an inescapable pit. The soft ground swallows me whole. If I should break free, the mud and decay clings to me as a constant reminder that this is where I belong. The lifeless browns and grays are now part of me and fog my vision.

Eventually, Spring will come. Trees and plants will bloom and the grass will glow green. Through my brown and gray lenses the change in the environment only signals that this metamorphosis will not last. Winter is around the corner. A frozen retreat to hide from the pain, anxiety, and depression.

I will welcome the blinding white of snow that burns the brown and gray fog of my vision. I will be free of the unnamed season and numb. I cannot predict the weather or when the seasons will change. Therefore, the only emotion I will engage with is fear. I am afraid the depression will come back. Let me be frozen. I want to stay numb. I am so afraid of the unnamed season between. Eventually, the fear melts the snow and I return to the purgatory I was trying to avoid.

The Unsustainable Upward Trend

Sustainability often comes up in economics, but rarely comes up as a topic in general discussions of mental health. Some think talking about relapse will do harm. It is also triggering to caretakers, friends, and family to see someone in pain, so we avoid anything that is not progress. However, the goal for those of us who are neural diverse is finding balance not a cure.

When we talk about normalizing mental wellness these days people often compare things like anxiety and depression to broken limbs— you would take some time off work and seek medical attention if you broke your leg, you should be able to do the same for mental health. Unfortunately, some injuries can be more serious than others. The leg may not return to its previous usability. This is always the case for mental wellness. Trauma alters our brains. While someone with an injured leg may have to rely on a cane after physical trauma, we may require continued therapy, medication, meditation, or other supports.

Pain is debilitating. A friend with a back pain has good days and bad days. On those bad days they have difficulty focusing and feel like they are better off resting than making things worse. Psychological pain is no different from this physical pain. There are good days and bad days. One difference between physical pain and psychological pain is that we can often notice when others are in physical pain. Those of us dealing with mental health issues have pain that is not visible to the naked eye.

It is common for people that are neural diverse to isolate when they are in pain. My depression relentlessly attacks me with thoughts and feelings that I am a burden to others. Therefore, I can hide my pain from you because I do not want to burden you. Or, I believe if I am so distraught that you can see my psychological pain it is likely to have an adverse affect on you. We don't want to see our loved ones in pain. The raw emotion is uncomfortable. We want to avoid pain. This is a natural, human reaction. Though, my depression sees your frustration as proof that I am a burden, you are not the cause of my pain. Likewise, I am not the cause of your discomfort. Yet, an uncomfortable past experience may convince you to avoid discussing my pain in the fear that you'll trigger me more.

When we avoid the reality of psychological pain it can reinforce stigmas around mental wellness, confirm my distorted view that I am a burden, and disrupt the process of finding equilibrium. Our mental wellness will not be graphed with a green line shooting upward like some sort of dream stock price. There are hills and valleys and recovery is a lifelong process. My hope is to find neutrality. I want to find something sustainable. I have no interest in trying to make each day better than the one before because that's unrealistic. Even for people who may not have depression, anxiety, or another neural diversity, mental wellness does not trend upward every moment of their lives.

Finding balance between the ups and downs of mental wellness sounds like a very difficult task. As such, standing by and supporting someone through it is equally complicated. You cannot expect us to keep 'getting better' in an upward trend, but you want to help us avoid the pain. Avoidance is a strategy that eventually implodes in my experience. I would classify avoidance as damaging and distraction as a better alternative. Personally, I struggle with that classification. Shame tells me that my distraction is an avoidance tactic. However focusing on grief, loss, anxiety, or whatever the psychological pain is for 24/7 is draining. Therefore, a book, a movie, a coloring book, cooking, or whatever you find some satisfaction in can be a healthy distraction despite what the shame says.

Speaking of draining, you can encounter fatigue trying to support someone dealing with mental wellness issues. That desire to stop our pain fuels the need to see a steady improvement like a stock. Not meeting that goal can be frustrating and draining as a support. Perhaps redefining what 'getting better' means is a strategy to help those of us that are neural diverse and those of you trying to support us. The definition will likely be different for everyone. In general, getting better may mean accepting where I am at and setting a goal of preventing myself from hitting rock bottom again. Maybe, understanding that good days and bad days are a reality, but being able to recognize when the bad days are trending in order to ask for more support? I certainly don't feel that I have communicated what 'getting better' means to me very well in this paragraph. That is likely a sign that I do need to sit down and better define it so that I am not trying to reach unrealistic goals subconsciously. sigh

Using those unrefined parameters, how will I know 'bad days' are trending? This is the benefit of the hills and valleys of mental health. We learn in those valleys. Failure and mistakes are how we learn. The way to find balance or neutrality is to experience the highs and lows. In economics, companies that constantly try to make 20% profit from the year before often make cuts to achieve those numbers. They fail to innovate and learn. It's a strategy that works well if you're hoping to get large numbers to increase your selling price and move on. However, it is not a sustainable strategy. And, I am unable to sell my collection of traumatized neurons. So living with them is a better idea than shooting for an unrealistic upward trend in mental wellness.

If I do not try, I cannot fail. Somewhere along the line, perhaps early in my childhood, I adapted this philosophy in a low. Shame or embarrassment may have triggered the thought and it became law. Much of my anxiety comes from the expectations I put on myself. I build them up into an impassable mountain until I have convinced myself not to try. As such, I see expectations from others and want to run the other direction. In the same way as a caretaker, friend, or partner of someone like me, you may have experienced a severe low in your neurally diverse friend. In that moment you constructed a law that you do not want to see that again. You want to protect your friend, just as my anxiety is trying to protect me.

Sometimes, I need someone to just listen. Sometimes, I need a gentle reminder. Many times, I am unable to communicate what I need. As a support, you cannot be expected to know what it is I need. Remember that connection is always needed. Validating and accepting where we are in the highs and lows goes a long way to help. Empowering people with neural diversity to make their own choices is part of that validation. Directly set boundaries for your own mental wellness and we will respect that. Communicating your concerns helps us reality check what anxiety or depression is telling us. Maybe you don't find me a burden and want to hear what I have to say, but today is not a good day. Perhaps, there's a family member in your past who had similar issues and I am triggering you. It is okay to be direct and set that boundary. “This triggers something from my own past that I would rather not revisit. However, ruminating on this stuff all the time is really draining. So if you want a distraction, please reach out. I can totally help in that way.”

We are social creatures and isolation is part of many mental health concerns. I cannot say every exposure to others will be beneficial, though it can often help to be surrounded by strangers at a park or a mall. Connection, even those as thin as being surrounded by other humans that are strangers can be helpful. Please do not let anything I have written prevent you from connecting with myself and others who are living with neural diversity. Just try not to be like the helpless neurons( image on my original blog )