SinBot

Took some time off and got some rest. Watched a Disney movie with my friend. No longer thinking about killing pigeons.

At least not to a very serious degree.

Man, was that a weird phase!

But yeah. I'm looking into the fields of quantum mechanics, epistemology, computation theory, and evolution. Not all at once, mind you – but over time I'd like to build at least a modicum of understanding. I think these fields, when grasped even a smidgeon, allow for subsequent understanding in a whole host of other domains.

And that's what I'd like to do, I suppose. A combination of depth and breadth, perhaps tending towards the former, but not so much that the latter is neglected.

A well rounded specialist, if you will.

My ego's fucking with my head. It's trying to make a comeback.

It's been doing this for a while, actually. I've only been too stupid to notice. It fills my brain with all these great images of me falling in love, or becoming a war hero, or destroying an undercover sex ring, or getting rich.

Enough of all that.

If I'm gonna do anything of substance I need to stay in the real world. So, I'll try.

Will tell you how it goes.

Also, I'm starting a conspiracy of sorts. I'll tell you how it goes.

Basically I'm gonna mess with the current system of things, not for any desire to change anything for better or for worse, but just to see if it's possible. If it's within my grasp.

I'm giving this a solid go.

Everyone's an idiot, including me, and including you.

I used to think I was the shit. I'm not. I've got a lot of biases and dumb ways of thinking life's gonna let me know are bad. So do you. So does everyone else.

I guess in the end, everyone gets a bum rap. Some more than others, some less.

Does this make you feel compassion for those around you, or treat them as objects? I don't know.

If I had to guess, it would be the latter, disguised as the former.

Or maybe that's just me. Maybe there's something I haven't seen yet.

A secondhand ego death.

That's what's just hit me. I might never be a millionaire or get famous or get ripped or marry Emma Raducanu. And fucking what?

Who really cares?

I'm an atom in the universe, just like the rest of you. I don't have this sense of weird superiority anymore about myself or the things that I do. I don't look at other people as being less than or better or even that different. It's all a little strange to me, because now I can sense the types that do think in that way. I don't fancy them very much.

Plus I met a girl the other day. She was pretty. Could dance well. She likes me too, although, these days that's much less of a novelty than it used to be. She's into all this self-improvement stuff. I'm not. Not anymore.

It's all a little distasteful really. Cos it's all predicated upon this idea of an ideal self, which, assuming you believe in the self – doesn't exist. In addition, I'm finding it harder to bullshit now. Not harder in the sense that I can't do it, but, harder in the sense that I feel less of a need to do it than I ever did before.

And I did this all without LSD.

It's kind of cool.

I'm finding it a little challenging too, to care about my academics. It's all very far detached from the real world, I feel. You gotta sell yourself a little to excel. There's so much interesting knowledge and applications out there, but, I feel far removed from it. I'm just a guy learning a course.

Maybe I'll take some drugs. But, I don't know. The whole thing has me feeling weirdly spiritual and motivated.

I might grow a beard. I'd pull it off, too. It's a perk of being one of these brutally handsome guys that can pull anything off. Speaking of, I should stop this fast. I haven't eaten for 36 hours. I'm going to steal my flatmate's soup.

Howard Roark is a strange character.

Ayn Rand's version of her perfect man is an odd one. But also, weirdly inspiring.

Yes, Roark, at various points does terrible things and is something of a weirdly terrible human being. But he owns it. He owns it completely – and he owns himself completely.

Howard Roark is possibly the most self-contained fictional character I've ever read about. A man of honest-to-God integrity. Unyielding, in the face of any obstacle. He's like what Denzel was in the Equaliser or what Neeson was in Taken – not in the sense that he kills people, but that he lives with such unerring conviction it is equal parts inspiring as it is terrifying.

I want to be like that. I am going to be like that.