I'm kinda “tiny house” obsessed. Probably because I fantasize about living in a tent in the swamp.
So, imagine my delight, when yesterday in Portland I spot one of the cutie-patooties for sale.
I read the sign posted on it's teeny-weeny door. “Tiny House For Sale (w/ Solar Panel) $5,000.
Me: My, oh my! Five-thousand beans, huh? This'uns got to be a stunner!
I peek inside. Hmmmm.... A tiny box with a chair, a table, and some other stuff I don't recall. Less a house, and more...shall I say, port-a-potty. Nowhere to prepare food, nowhere to wash up, nowhere to...uh, evacuate.
If I can't achieve my dream of living in a tent in the swamp, the next best thing would be a shed. So, yeah, I've done some research.
Two of the beauts I've got my eye on arethis one for $5495 (with free delivery to my swamp, mind you!) and this one with plenty of windows, a regular-sized front door and a big ol' loft space.
And those prices are if I want a floor. Not sure about that part yet. If I can live without the floor, shave a grand off those prices.
So I got my head inside this tiny house, sporting a facial expression somewhere between oh, that's cuuute, and bewildered, with a side of squinty.
Then, thoughts. So, let me get this straight. For between five and six hundred billz more, I can have four times the floor space, separate sleeping quarters, multiple windows and space to prepare meals? (If you're a G, you could even section off the back and install a composting toilet.) Not only that, but in our lowly “shed”, we could reasonably house three – maybe even four – people. (I know this because I lived on a sailboat for many years and witnessed entire families living in such close quarters with no ill effects.)
More thoughts. This doesn't make sense. Especially considering this structure was made with salvaged building materials. Maybe not free, but certainly dirt-cheap. Why the five grand, man?
I find a structure with roughly the same dimensions online. Although, not really, cause the smallest I can find is 6x8 feet. (The tiny house is so tiny that I couldn't lay down lengthwise on the floor. I'm 5'4”.) Even still, this 6x8 shed, built of solid pine is only fetching $1,114 online. Either the tiny house is a ripoff or the shed companies out there have a huge marketing problem.
My mind, of course, wanders to the latter.
All of a sudden, a studio audience appears and an announcer skips across the stage. Oh, goodie! Looks like we're about to watch a dating game!
Announcer: And, we're back ladies and gentlemen, with two brand new bachelors up for grabs. Bachelor #1 hails from Portland, Oregon, stands tall at 32 square feet, and is ready to melt hearts with his solid wood structure! Let's give it up for...awwww...Tiny House!!
Audience: *Awwwwww! Applause.)*
Announcer: Bachelor #2 is from some faceless, nameless, fluorescent-bulb-lit warehouse somewhere, dare I say, not as cute as Portland, but does measure in at 48 square feet, and is also made from solid wood. Can I get a round of applause for, uhhh... * energy drains away, long pause, eye roll *... Shed!
Audience: Silence, puzzled looks.
Announcer: Moving on...alright, Bachelor #1, can you share a little bit about yourself?
Tiny House: Well, I was built in 2017, from purely salvaged, recycled materials – gotta protect our planet, amirite? – by a bunch of incredibly adorable bearded, tatooed, grizzled-looking 22-year-olds in the most artsy, tolerant, picturesque place in the world, where everyone is accepted no matter their race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or identity, creed, economic status, or dietary-lifestyle choices!
**Audience: Awwweeeee! * Smiles and eye-sparkes all around. *
Announcer: So, ummm, Shed? What about you?
Shed: Well, Bob. I was built in a giant “facility” off of Highway 22, you know, between the DQ and the strip club in America's Heartland. It's not fancy, but it's home. You could call me a simple kinda guy...
Audience: Ewwww....
Announcer: Alrighty, then. So, Tiny House, why do you think our bachelorette should pick you today?
Tiny House: Well, not only am I a great choice for housing, I'm great for the environment. I mean, just look at me! Look how tiny I am!
Audience: * Bursts into applause. *
Shed: I'm tiny, too...
Announcer: That's nice, Shed. Ok, so Tiny House, any other adorable things we should know about you?
Tiny House: Oh, yes, Bob. I'm enjoying a swelling tide of mass-appeal right now. My future is solid. What can I say? People just love the idea of tiny houses.
Random Lady in the Audience: I love you, Tiny House!!!
Shed: Um, literally dude, we're practically the same size, built from the same materials, and provide the same utility...ya know, shelter. The only difference is I wasn't built by adorable hipsters in a place full of bubble-blowers, snow cone shops, and mermaid parades. And I would go so far as to say, if you were stripped of your Tiny House name, people might start calling you what they call me: Shed.
Random Dude in the Audience: Shut up, freak!!!
Tiny House: Hah! You're just jealous. Jealous that you weren't built in a picturesque old building in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Portland. Jealous that you weren't built by artsy, caring, open-minded people that loved you enough to give you the Tiny House family name.
Audience: Roaring applause.
Shed: That may be true, Tiny House. But I'm proud to say I was built by hard working people, just the same, who have mastered efficiency, supply chains, and cost-cutting, opting to build me where real estate is inexpensive and shipping is easy to anywhere in the country. And yes, I'm not built from salvaged materials, but my wood is produced sustainably. When they cut down trees to build me, the owners simply plant more. Plus, I cost nearly a quarter of what you cost. If we're serious about encouraging low-income housing options, wouldn't people naturally pick me?
Random Dude in the Audience #2: Put a lid on it, Shed!!!
Tiny House: Cost is irrelevant, Shed. Let's focus on what really matters, here: which one of us is more adorable, alright?
Shed: Um, cost is actually the biggest challenge when it comes to low income hous....
Announcer: Oh, look at that...we're out of time. Let's see who our Bachelorette is going to choose. Gentlemen, your closing remarks.
Tiny House: Steer clear of that loser, Bachelorette. You know what your heart is telling you right now, and that is that you want a structure with culture, a fabulous story, and cool people all around him. Oh, and Shed...where are your solar panels?
Random Lady in the Audience #2: Oh, snap!!!
Shed: Fine, you got me there. Alas, no solar panels come at my price point. However, did you know that there are solar panels available which fold up to the size of a tablet and can provide all the power one needs to live simply off the grid? Last I checked they were around 100 bucks. A couple of these and you're good to go! Solar panels included, I'm still a better choice than you.
Tiny House: Hahahaha! I ain't worried. Cause no matter what you say or do, a the end of the day, nobody is ever going to admit they live in a shed.
Audience: Oooooooh...
Shed: Alright, how about this? I'm going to change my name. Henceforth, I will be known as Alpine Cottage.
Random Lady in the Audience: Marry me, Alpine Cottage!!!
Alpine Cottage: I, too, can play your marketing game, Tiny House. wink Come on, Bachelorette, let's blow this joint.
Bachelorette: Oh, Alpine Cottage. Something uncontrollable has taken over me. You've all of a sudden become so, so...adorable!!!
I snap out of my fantasy and look again at the Tiny House.
Is it possible that the Evil Corporate Capitalist Pigs figured out a way to provide a structure with more room to house more people at less cost per square foot?*
I glance again at the tiny house's tiny sign and read the tiny print...and suddenly feel like a HUGE DICK!
“All proceeds will go towards building more tiny houses for those experiencing houselessness.”
I'm such a bad, bad person. Why would I think these thoughts? These aren't a bunch of smug hipsters building overpriced boxes surrounded by auras of rainbows, zero-emission Subarus, and craft beer-infused sweat and tears! This is an organization trying to help “houseless” people.
I walk away feeling like a piece of crap.
But wait a second! Good intentions are great, but they are not enough to elevate anyone above the laws of economics. If Mother Teresa herself gave a pair of shoes to an orphan that cost her $10, and then Walmart offered the same pair for $1, it just would not make sense to not use Walmart as the supplier. The savings of $9 could then be used to provide reading glasses, education, and clean water.
But, it will never be. We just can't get past the Walmart vs. Mother Teresa brand.
Why buy from a bunch of Evil Corporate Capitalist Pigs when we can buy from someone who makes us feel warm and fuzzy.
I fully support this tiny house organization and the good work I'm sure they're doing. But let's face it: nobody in their right mind is going to suggest that homeless people live in “sheds”. Enter marketing. With a fancy new name and some romantic craftsmanship, these simple wooden structures are transformed into something we can all accept.
I'm not afraid to admit I want to live in a shed. The people inside are what turn a common structure into a “home”.
So keep the Tiny House name alive, that's totally cool. But side-by-side, stripped of their titles, and without human interpretation they're all the same. Sheds.