smileytraveler

Using this Sunday to chill around the house and plan my next adventure. Every month or so I get a bug up my butt do so a “freestyle” adventure and the bug has arrived.

I did one in Florida a few months ago and it was life-changing. However, surviving in the tropics, I can imagine, is much different than surviving in the Pacific Northwest.

Before the Florida adventure, I had next to no survival skills. I didn't bother to learn any, either. That's not the way I learn. Everything in life is learned on a “need to know” basis. When I get uncomfortable enough, the nerd hat goes on and the research begins.

I've been fascinated by off-the-grid living for many years, mainly because it just makes sense to know these things just in case technology fails us. I never applied any of the knowledge, but thought it was cool nonetheless.

However, my tropical adventure presented a host of opportunities for me to use the few bits of knowledge I had and to acquire tons more. Solar-distilling ocean water was my favorite. Although, it took me two hours to make like two tablespoons. I probably would have died in a real survival situation, but it was good entertainment.

Florida has a great climate for outdoorsy stuff. That's if you like sweltering heat, humidity, and frequent, violent thunderstorms. I like 'em...keeps life interesting.

The one thing about roughin' it in Florida which differs greatly from the Pac Northwest is that the second you step outside, you will become a buffet for the wildlife. Sometimes it's just an irritation, but other times you'll be engulfed in a black cloud of swarming insects, taking turns feeding on your flesh.

That's just the mosquitoes and ticks.

Then you've got the insects that mind their own business, but you just don't want to encounter because they look like frightening, murderous, monstrous aliens. The spiders, the beetles, the f'n linebacker-sized grasshoppers, the snakes, and all manner of other creepy-crawlies.

Some of the spiders are the size of my head and are so horrifying they look like they'd slit your mother's throat and then sell her parts off to his friends one-by-one. I think they're called Giant Banana Spiders or Golden Orb something, and apparently they're harmless. That's great to know, but trust me, if you find one of these things six inches from your face, you will rediscover your religion very quickly.

I recently hosted a Japanese cyclist, who'd just done a cross-country ride from San Fransisco to Northeast Florida. It was his first trip to the US, and for some reason he was very nervous about riding the length of our state to Miami.

The language barrier was tough, and he didn't know how to explain what he was freaking out about. He grabs a cellphone and shows me. A giant alligator. I laugh. Basically, he wanted tips on how to not be attacked by alligators.

I then tried to explain in the simplest English I could that, dude, literally you are not going to get eaten by alligators here. It's just not gonna happen. If you want some advice? I guess stay away from canal banks.

Poor guy thought a gator would come and snatch him right off the bike path and drag him back to its lair.

I can have my chuckles, cause I know my local critters pretty well. But here, I don't.

My biggest phobia about camping here is bears. I know the chances of being attacked are slim-to-none. I've gotten advice from seasoned outdoorspeople about how to properly store food away from the campsite, and how to respond if you see a bear. It's awesome to not have to worry about my flesh being eaten off by all manner of insects, but my lizard brain just won't accept sharing sleeping quarters with Grizzlies.

Lizard Brain: Why would a Grizzly bother hunting if he can just feast on 150 pounds of unconscious fatty human, laying right here?

Lizard Brain: Have you ever tried scurrying up a Douglas fir at 15 miles per hour? I bet it would be haaaard!

Lizard Brain: When that bear sees you, he's going to know you're not from around here. They can smell weakness a mile away.

Driving through Oregon's backroads I dream about hiking up into the forest to spend days. At the same time I fantasize about constructing tent made of steel bars, which I can crawl into at night.

The plans become wackier. Maybe I could bring an airhorn, so that when it gets close I can blast it a good one in the face! But would that only piss it off?

Are giant bow-and-arrows legal in Oregon? Wait! What am I talking about?! I could barely hit a target in archery class from 20 feet away, standing dead still, and aiming for several seconds.

It's fun to let your imagination run wild once in a while. But, at times like this, there is no other choice than to become educated on the realities of perceived dangers. What do the statistics say? What do the experts say?

If a little truth is injected into the brain, at least the lizard will have someone to do battle with.